Was trying to link the new thread to the old, but for some reason there's not a way to do that now. Job, can you help?
I want to thank you all for checking in the past couple of days-- Peace, Kindly, Scout, Grace, DnJ and Job...
Yesterday was a very tough day. It was my birthday and I spent a lot of in mourning and crying and trying to hide it from H. But my D came to give me a hug and I just lost it. She's a teenager and just hugged me. They know that I am suffering although I hide it as much as possible.
I admit that I was feeling sorry for myself. I wanted what I had last year when I turned the big 5-0. We were in love then. He even can remember that he loved me then. But yesterday, even though he was kind and caring, it was definitely not at all the same. And it was killing me.
I was showered with love from so many people. Friends dropped off gifts on the stoop, I had so many texts, social media messages, etc. I haven't had that much attention ever, not even last year. And most don't know what's happening in my personal life. Maybe it's because I am doing what I can to reach out more. Send fun and funny messages and keep up people's spirits.
One of the things I do to work on my personal growth. It's for both my emotional and spiritual growth. But yet, I know I was being selfish. I wanted more. Here God is sending me so much love, attention and affection from family and friends and I am mourning the lack from my H.
What makes it worse is at the end of the night after we had a nice dinner and cake (no presents or cards which also hurt), we watched a movie as a family and they all then went to go do their own thing. I was hurting so much. I was hoping for some one-on-one time. I know... zero expectations, but I was hoping. Nope. He went to his office. So I sobbed in the shower and i just couldn't take it anymore. I went for a drive. I texted I was going and as I was leaving he asked me, "you're going now?" I said I just had to get out.
He tried calling when I was driving, but I was sobbing and didn't want to pick up the phone. I was out for well over an hour. When I got back he had moved into the office with the cot.
We ended up having a long talk. More than I know he was ready for and I don't want to share all the details here. He admitted he stayed in the office because he was angry I left without talking to him about it. He was worried and couldn't get any work done. I honestly didn't think it mattered since he treats me with less affection than he does any of our close friends. He basically treats me like a casual friend. He's nice and kind, but there isn't a lot of real caring or affection at all. He's very huggy and affectionate even to casual friends so the fact that he won't touch me at all hurts.
We've been better today. We both slept poorly. I went to apologize to him again this morning for worrying him and him getting upset. He did get mad at me because he thinks I'm analyzing him when I just look at him trying to figure out what to say. I guess in the past I used to do that. But now, I am just trying to hold my tongue and trying not to do any push/pull behaviors when we are talking. It's not to analyze him at all. It's just to be careful not to say anything in the wrong way anymore. I don't even try to figure out what's going on. I do my best not to even ask personal questions anymore. We talk about Covid, his work, me looking for work, or the kids. Neutral things.
Anyway, we had a good meal with the kids. Back to being casual friends. I am not going to ask if he wants to come back to the room. I am good either way. I don't sleep well even if he's here anymore. I used to not be able to sleep at all if he wasn't next to me. Even when I traveled for work, I would barely sleep. Now I take sleeping pills which helps a little and pile up pillows to help me feel like there's someone there. I guess I am learning what I need to do for my sanity and to take care of myself.
BTW, I drove because when I was growing up in a rural town, driving at night helped me process my feelings. I would sing at the top of my lungs, look at the stars and feel God. So that's what i did last night. I did it for me. As my gift to myself. I wanted to shout, grieve, be angry, then let it all go so I could face this crazy roller coaster again.
I don't regret doing what I needed to in order to take care of my emotional health. I just wish I knew that he would worry and that he really does care about me more than I thought.
It's just so hard to know what's going on in the minds of our MLCer. Where they are in their process or if the alien is the one talking/in charge or somehow they are starting to peek through.
I do think he is peeking more and more. I hear him laughing with the kids. He's the one instigating conversations and he did try really hard to make my b-day special, even if it was nothing like the effort of last year. I know many other MLCers just forget completely about their spouse and possibly try to make it worse.
This is just so very hard some days. It is so lonely sometimes. Thank you all for being here. Sorry I needed a day to myself, but I will try to be here more often.
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Happy belated birthday, Believe! I'm sorry it was a hard day, but it also sounds like it was a triumphant day, because you were able to grieve, receive and appreciate love from your D and friends and family, and from yourself. By going for a drive, you were listening to what you needed, and you gave that gift to yourself. To me, that's a wonderful thing.
Originally Posted by Believe6
But yet, I know I was being selfish. I wanted more. Here God is sending me so much love, attention and affection from family and friends and I am mourning the lack from my H.
From my point of view, I don't think you were being selfish at all. It is natural to want love and affection from your H, and natural to mourn it when it's not there, especially on a day that is so different from past birthdays. It is lonely and hard some days. You aren't alone, but it can feel lonely. You can wish for more and very much be grateful for the abundance of love you do have, and turn that love outward in return--to D, family, friends, and even H, whether or not he can return it right now.
You are full of love and kindness, Believe. Celebrate yourself. Take the time for yourself that you need. Take more drives if you can and feel the urge.
Happy Bday B. Right here, right now, during this pandemic, and the sitch with your H mic, girl, feel how you feel. It's SO tough to hold it all in. Let it out when you need to alone. And if your kids happen to see you, they are young adults; it's okay to cry. Punch pillows if you need too. Come here and journal. We're here.
I get how you feel; it hurts deep. Distance yourself. He's a roommate. Let him be. Spend more time with kids. GAL how ever you can. You know the drill. And you're not alone. Whatever gets you through the day. Be an example of a strong woman for your kids. Bounce back and be the best you can be.
Remember. You didn't break him. You can't fix him. He's on his journey. Let him do his thing. You do yours.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry you cried on your birthday. I'm glad you had your D to hug you. I was told to throw ice cubes really hard in my tub when I had to let off steam or frustration. I tried that once and the whole house came running because it was so loud. I think driving and singing in the dark is a better idea.
The worst part of my H's MLC journey for me is not having the person who was my rock and support during tough times, my H, to support me now.
I just read through your whole thread and wanted to send you some good vibes and support. I feel like living in the same house as your H when in limbo is really difficult and there are so many hard/weird differences than if he would just go... I just wanted to say that I've been there and it is awful. You are incredibly strong. Know that, hug your kids, and give yourself a break when you aren't able to do things exactly by the book.
I also wanted to just say that I think it is probably for the best that he moved out of the MBR. I know it feels hard but I think it probably gives you both good separation. And if you can resist saying anything to him about coming back, it will actually mean something if he does make that choice on his own.
My only other piece of advice... to the extent you can, maybe stop hugging him, apologizing to him, telling him how you feel? if you need to get that information off your chest, maybe write it in a journal or write him a letter/email that you don't actually need to send? It feels reading through your story that he holds a lot of the power right now, and you being pretty consistent in making sure he knows you're here for him, love him, are sorry when you worry him... keeps the power squarely in his court. Why does he need to hear that from you right now? Maybe keep it to yourself and see how that goes for awhile?
Hang in there!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you all for your birthday wishes and support. I will admit, my emotions have been all over the place. I get so lonely sometimes. The kids are old enough to be doing their own thing and although I try to reach out, I don't want to be a nag. The weather is all over the place so a walk was out of the question yesterday. It may be out again today.
I have been reading so much about standing and MLC and trying, trying to find my emotional footing. I know I need to continue to look within to help me heal... what about me did I give up for this marriage? What did I let go of and want back? What was ok to let go of and didn't do me justice? What needs to be forgiven both for me and for him?
What about him didn't I like? Not the MLC stuff, that's not really him. But the other things over the years did I not really see and is it something I can live with going forward or will that need to change? Will he even want to change once he is through the tunnel? Not that i need to worry about that now, I know... but I need to know what I want in my relationship with him and what I will be willing to accept/forgive.
Life is a cycle, I know. We had happy hour with friends and he was acting like the old self. It hurt because I know he was making jokes and acting all sexual, but it wasn't about me. He hasn't even touched me of his own accord in forever.
Like May says, I need to stop giving him the power. The hugging, apologizing, etc.... he can't handle it. But how do I fake being happy with our friends, especially the ones who don't know and who we don't want to know?
It is so very hard. I want these memories and moments for me. Not just for him, but for me. To be able to talk to our friends as a couple and as individuals. It makes me feel human and connected and like "me." I don't and won't give that up. But the pain of seeing him acting like that is hard too. Especially when he won't joke and play around like that with me like he used to.
It's a pickle for sure. I keep asking God to be my protector during these times. To keep my heart safe and secure. That I can't have any expectations about what will happen with H. I can only lean on me during this time.
I did tell him last night after the happy hour and he asked what was wrong that it hurt that he could act like that. He said it was always just about him. He never meant for it to be a sexual thing to include us, but that's not true. When we'd make innuendos in a group we all knew it was about us as couples. We even talked about it over the years that it was about the couples and now he's rewriting the script. I know that's what they do when they are trying to reassert their own voice and thoughts.
He told me he thinks we've been codependent. A term he has never said to me so I believe that's what the OW told him before. I know he's still somehow being influenced by her... and that most likely there is still contact even if he is lying to me that there isn't.
Regardless, I do think we have gotten codependent. Interdependence is ok. It's necessary for healthy relationships not just in marriage, but in work, etc. But codependence is not. That is why I have been dealing with my loneliness on my own. Not sharing that or any of may pain... or at least rarely sharing.
I don't regret the honesty we had last night. He is back in the bed on his own as of the night before. It's strange and he won't admit it if he knew... but most nights, he'll roll over and hold me. Last night he held me really close. His arm and his whole body was aligned with my side. I just breathed. In his sleep, I think his soul remembers. He held me for a long time. And I just let that feeling of gratitude wash over me. If it gives his spirit peace in his sleep, so be it. Because I need that too. And if that's the only affection I can receive from him, even in his subconscious state, I'll take it.
No I don't think that it will solve anything. And I am letting him do his thing throughout the day. But it's ok for me to be able to savor the little joys... the holding from my S and D, and these unconscious moments where the world is open... and life is as it was. Even for a moment.
I pray for all of us on this Sunday after Easter. May the peace that surpasses all understanding be with us on this day and every day. May we stand in the light...our own light and the light of God (universe, love, etc.) Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Been a roller coaster. Some ups and now feeling way down. I didn't follow smart contact. I ended up asking for affection yesterday and, of course, he told me again he didn't love me. He cares for me like the old friiend I was but he just doesn't feel it.
I am hurt and hurting.I am panicking. I am doing my best to give these feelings over to God. I feel blesseed that i have a strong network of a few friends and even my mom. My mom doesn' t know about the affair, only that my marriage is in deep trouble and that he is suffering MLC.
But just knowing she's there when she wasn't there as much as a kid is such a gift. I guess there are some really good gifts from this craziness.
I am backing off again. Letting him lead the way. I did do something stupid the other day. He went out to do something and I had a feeling he was meeting her. I drove to her house and was going to leave when she came out and saw me in my car. I wasn't sure she did. I thought maybe she'd come talk to me, but I didn't move. I stayed in my car. She is on a busy street and I was far enough back I didn't think she saw me. But she didn't drive away. Honestly, I was going to leave , but she came out. My purpose was to follow her to see if she went to meet with my H. But she just sat in her car until her neighbor came out 10 min later. The car in between our cars. I would have been 2 cars back, but there was another car length open. Anyway, she talked to them and asked them to keep me where I was. She finally drove off. I didn't follow as I had already decided to stop.
I wasn't going to hurt her. I just wanted to follow. I think she was scared, but i've never threatend her. I also felt that maybe she called my H while I was waiting for her to leave before the neighbors showed up. But I can't be sure as I couldn't see her in her car.
I felt so bad after. I promised myself to detach and stop. But I just wanted to know if he has been lying about not seeing her or being in contact. I realize now that it doesn't matter if he is or not. He just isn't connected to any feelings of love for me at all.
It's all gone now. I am in so much pain. We still live here together and it's hard to see him... to long for him. To hear his voice and see his face, but to remind myself that is no longer my spouse. I know you all have your own pain. I know you all have stories that are similar. I am terrified of what's coming.
I know I need to keep going and working on me. I haven't been able to focus. It's been so hard. And now it's hot. Our AC doesn't work and I feel faint and miserable. I am feeling sorry for myself. I need to stop that.
Please pray for me or send me good thoughts. I think of you all often. I just sometimes don't feel the strength to come post here. Praying for you all. Wishing you peace.... light, love... and blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
I ended up asking for affection yesterday and, of course, he told me again he didn't love me. He cares for me like the old friend I was but he just doesn't feel it.
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Oh B. ((( ))) Of course it felt good to be held. Soaking in the moment. I remember those times. But, he's not wanting to give you what you want. I think it's time to consider changing the sleeping arrangements. He's still under the same roof, but if he's feeling like you're old friend, than that old friend can sleep alone. Right? I'm not sure of how to say it to him nicely, but maybe... "I think it would be best if we don't share the bed." ? I'm sure the others can come up with a better way to phrase it. But you get what I'm saying. And feel strong, empowered by this. YOU are taking control.
Originally Posted by Believe
I felt so bad after. I promised myself to detach and stop. But I just wanted to know if he has been lying about not seeing her or being in contact. I realize now that it doesn't matter if he is or not. He just isn't connected to any feelings of love for me at all.
.
You are right in what you said. It doesn't matter if he is or not. The connection has changed between you. When you STOP yourself and say, "It doesn't matter", even if you have to say it a thousand times... it will eventually not matter. Over the last couple of days had this struggle over a stupid bag that belonged to H. And in the end, it did not matter. Whatever H is doing, you have no control over, but you do have control over what you do and how you handle yourself. Remember, when you get tempted to do something you probably shouldn't, STOP yourself and say, "It doesn't matter... it doesn't matter..." Or say another phrase, but STOP yourself. YOU will feel AMAZING when you stop yourself.
Sending you empowering YOU CAN DO THIS thoughts ((( )))
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
