Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
C
curtis7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by LH19
The amount of destruction a unfaithful spouse can do can never be underestimated. I’m sorry your boys had to go thru that last night.
It’s amazing how so many around them can see it and yet they are surprised and never envisioned it could happen to them. Eerily similar to when the LBS is blindsided with the BD and others may have seen it coming.

Quote
I have to be honest with you. When I read that last sentence I wasn’t sure who you were talking about. That speaks volumes.
Good one and point taken. I need to once again decide if I am even interested in R.

Quote
I thought that was sweet of her to offer you a divorce and say that you can have it. Like she or anybody has a choice. As for your question. Yes I would say this is the definition of rock bottom but something tells me this may be a typical Saturday night.
I hope this is her final rock bottom. Almost a year and a half in limbo. If she has a relapse or leaves again, her offer would be very hard to pass up.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
WOW Curtis, that is some scary stuff. Yes I definitely think you are doing the right thing in not responding to OM3. And yes I agree that it is very likely he's trying to break the two of you up in the hopes she'll go crawling back to him. Do you have a security system and cameras? If not, look into it ASAP. I highly recommend Ring, it's relatively cheap and really good. I have several of the indoor and outdoor cameras tied to the alarm system and the image quality is fantastic and the motion detection notifications are instant on my phone. Great peace-of-mind. Hopefully your W follows through on the restraining order. Once it's in place call the police immediately if she pulls another stunt like the driveway thing. Is W living with you now or still in her other place? I'm thinking she should not go back there for quite a while. If she's not under your roof then she should probably get a hotel room somewhere. Never underestimate people's propensity for violence.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I think you were smart not to look at the photos/video. My advice is that you not delete anymore voice messages, or texts. You don't have to listen, but just in case the police needs to decide there has been a threat, etc.

I don't know much about legal steps to take, but she definitely needs to get a RO, b/c of the stalking. Maybe you can get one, too, IDK. Safety for your children is most important. She has exposed them to this creep, so I would be very leery about the kids being alone with her......anywhere, but especially at her place.

Quote
Would this be considered rock bottom?


Why do you ask? What difference does it make?

Frankly, I hope it scares the pee-water out of her!! If this doesn't shake her to the core, then I don't know what will, but that's just me. She needs to see how she has put her entire family at risk. Sometimes, it's not just one big thing that happens to jar the WW awake, but several things working together to get the same results. I remember how one of my board mentors told me about some real life situations with affair partners.......and it did play a part in shaking my fogged out brain. Getting scared is good, in some cases. It may not stop her sleeping with someone else. That remains to be seen. I hope she doesn't scratch this off as some isolated case, but realizes it comes with the territory, so to speak. It's the risk factor involved in real life that needs to slap her in the face so hard it shatters her fantasy of being single and sleeping around. Just like this OM, some guys are attracted to M women who cheat, and there is an unhealthy and/or immoral reason behind it.

Quote
I asked W if she wanted to call the police as I felt there was a threat of danger and so did her girlfriends that she notified. She asked if I could call. I was looking up what to say, then I told her she needed to make the call. This is something she needed to do on her own.


Good job! I agree, she needed to be the one to call the police. It's fine for you to be there by her side, but for own shake......she needs to walk through this hard/scary mess she helped to create.

Quote
She told me if I wanted the divorce, she would understand and I could have it. I replied I don’t want to think about that right now. I just continued to listen and she said how sorry she was for getting us into this situation. W said he called her 50 times one day earlier this week and that he asked her to marry him a few days ago.


My suggestion is to try to put relationship talk on hold for now. This is shot to another level, IMHO, and it's about the safety of your family. It appears that she has placed herself, and maybe her family, on some level of danger......IMHO. Yesterday, I thought the texts sounded like a revengeful woman.......but overnight, it sounds more like a psychopath. I still can't figure out about "she didn't stick to her end of the deal". Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good, at the moment.

Quote
This morning W called her boss and HR to notify them that OM3 may try to contact her work. She also called her dad and informed him what happened and that she was having an affair. She made these calls without my recommendation.


Good! It must have been hard for her, but like I said, she "needs" to do this hard stuff for her own sake. It is a small way of taking ownership for her actions. It's too easy to blame someone else, and/or get the LBH to do the work for her. So, I'm glad to see you being smart here.

Quote
I have not responded. Would everyone agree that the best response is no response?


I wouldn't respond. I would give let the police look at the texts, and ask for their advice. These days, stalking is taken more seriously than in previous years.

Quote
How do we get this monster out of our lives?


Talk to experts who deal with this real life situation.

Please keep us updated as often as possible. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Hi Curtis--wow, crazy-town, stay safe.

Originally Posted by Curtis
I told her that if she leaves, don’t bother coming back. I told her she’s not going anywhere alone. I was looking up what to say, then I told her she needed to make the call.

It's great you set that boundary, and it's also great you let her call the police for her own restraining order. Do be cautious about the difference between being assertive and protective--and being controlling. E.g. "I don't want you going anywhere alone" vs "You're not going anywhere alone", or "A restraining order is a good idea but you would need to make that call" vs "You need to make that call." You're definitely doing more right than wrong. I love that she solved the problems herself and in doing so took some level of responsibility.

Originally Posted by Curtis
She told me he has a history of pursuing married woman. I told her they are easy targets to victimize and she agreed.

I'd be cautious--this shifts responsibility away from her. My partner left me, but she did not cheat on me. Similarly I left my ex-wife, but I did not cheat on her. It's not coincidental that neither of us had drinks alone at the home of a member of the opposite sex while our relationship was at a low point. Being married hardly offers a golden aegis of protection, but neither does it indicate "Victim" or "Open to suitors."

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
Hi Curtis,

I feel bad for you, reading about all the turmoil going on in your life right now. I know it's hard. The only thing I can add is to take time and slow your world down. You're not ready, she's not ready, there's a crazy guy showing up at your house, the world stopped spinning with this virus...just slow it way down and focus on your fundamental life.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
Curtis, YOU need to protect your kids.

Fear is not a healthy feeling for a new start...what´s behind comes behind...

PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
Agree with neffer. You should be furious that your wife has exposed your kids to this kind of situation.


chumplady.com
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
You are killing me here. It's been three days, already. Can't you throw me a breadcrumb?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
C
curtis7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
I would like to start off by thanking everyone in this community for taking the time to read and respond. I have gained some truly priceless advice and it has helped me navigate through many extremely tough circumstances.

OM3 has not made further contact since my last update a week ago. I asked W how long he left her alone in their year plus A and she said 9 days. Something tells me he won’t be silent forever and will try other methods to get back in touch with her. W did not file for a TRO either since he has not resurfaced.

Both kids brought up the visit from OM3 on a few occasions in the days that followed. S9 was worried that the guy was going to come back and ram his truck through his bedroom wall. I reassured him that I’m going to protect this family and that we’ll be okay. I explained to him that we win by not responding and reacting. The kids haven’t brought the incident up again recently.

Over the past several days W has shared some insight on her state of mind and reflections. W said she was very angry with me and wanted something different. She said I am very logical and OM3 is completely ruled by emotions. W claims she tried to end it with him a few times since the end of last year. She kept going back to how he talked circles around her and made her so confused. She described having a “trauma bond” relationship with him. He would make her feel so miserable and she would have insecurity and anxiety asking herself what did she do. Then, when he would reach out to her, it was a euphoric high. However, eventually the highs became lower and lows became lower. She said she doesn’t know how anyone could sustain that long term, it’s so unhealthy. She was sad and crying at that point.

W said one thing that struck her that made her want to start distancing herself from OM3 was when I said that she didn’t even give me a chance in one of our R talks. That she decided our MR was over without allowing me to be a better H. She claims divorced BFF helped her realize all of the good things I was doing. I asked if it would have helped her end it sooner if I had told her dad or sister about the A’s. She said probably not and likely would have held it against me.

On the night of OM3’s visit a week ago. I was paging through a few of my A books hoping to find some guidance on how to get the AP out of your life aside from a NC letter. W asked about one book and I gave it to her. She read through about half of it, but I don’t think she’s picked it up in the past few days.

W has been very supportive around the house helping with the kids virtual classes, cleaning, laundry, pruning trees, cleaning up landscape beds, etc. We watch movies with the kids and ride bikes together like a family. Her and I have been watching a show every night after putting the kids to bed. She talked about bringing her TV over. She mentions different pieces of furniture or rugs that she wants to buy for our house. She packed up a bunch of food and more clothes from her place. Kids packed up more of their stuff because they don’t want to keep it over there anymore, she said I guess that’s fine. She is still reluctant to move herself out completely. I don’t push whatsoever, up to her on what and when she wants to move her things out. She certainly seems to be holding on to that place and isn’t ready to exit completely.

She keeps talking about the MBR as mine and the Guest BR as hers. It’s frustrating, but I don’t pressure her. I guess it will take time for her to feel comfortable with us living under the same roof again. She hasn’t touched me and there is zero physical intimacy. Yesterday at lunch D5 said the following out of nowhere while W was sitting in the living room and clearly heard her: “It’s like things are back to normal dad, except you and mom aren’t sleeping together.” I didn’t know what to say and had no response. D5 is right, it kind of feels like we’re married again until it’s time for bed. W is attentive and seems to care about my opinion and feelings on matters, but she’s still reserved and cautious. Maybe she’s scared and ashamed of having to disclose the WW and is satisfied with the status quo for now. I’m not sure how to restore intimacy if we haven’t even discussed what happened, expressed recommitment, and agreed upon how things are going to be different.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
C,

Ok. I’m confused. Have you talked about reconciliation or are you under the assumption you are? I thought she was just staying there because of COVID?

Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard