Since I have been following your sitch, (which hasn’t been very long) you have made progress.
You’ve mentioned that you wish your H would have at least given you the opportunity to get your **** together. I have found that most people are more motivated to get it together, when they are faced with the loss of something important to them. The loss of a relationship, friendship, job, etc. It is pretty common across these forums and life in general. I’m guilty of it. No sweat. The time is right here, right now.
This is an analogy that I like to use myself. Look at how you invest your time, just like making investments into a bank account or stocks.
Right now, your best investment is going to be in yourself. You can’t go wrong by choosing that direction. You are making good deposits in the weight loss and knitting departments. What other areas do you want to improve on?(Diversify)
When you focus and invest so much time on your H in the present, it is a poor investment and it sucking up a valuable resource(your time). That account isn’t going to grow and you are being charged fees for bad deposits. It is negatively affecting your overall progress.
Invest so much time and effort into yourself, that you will quit looking at your H for his attention or validation. When you quit wondering what he is thinking or up to, then you’ll know that you are detached. You won’t have to wonder if you are detached, because you will just be living your great life and he will be lucky to be part of it.
There are no shortcuts to the other side. Only right through the swampy land of crap. You got this!!
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I have made progress. Still after not seeing him for over 3 weeks... I was weak in the knees to see him.
Today when he kept saying "is there anything else"... no "is there anything else" ... no "is there anything else"... no... I really wanted to say can't you reconsider all this?? Go have your house and shorter commute but recommit to this marriage.
But, I didn't. I held my head high. Looking freaking hot. Who knows if he noticed but everyone says the notice.
Thanks for your encouraging words. I will keep trying to move forward. I'd love to get to the place where things turn around and he would be lucky to be apart of my life.
At least I'm not crying.
I'm working on my emotional attraction. I did not evoke feel good emotions from my spouse. I want to be that safe place to land. I can practice on others in my life - family, co-workers, friends... Maybe my H gets to see that someday - who knows.
I appreciate the advice and will keep doing the things that I can control.
Please go back and read LITB’s words over and over and over.
Your last post was still focused on your need for validation from him. You need to keep practicing and keep reading. Improving yourself is not for HIM. It’s for you. Try to me conscious of that. It is not attractive when you try to make yourself attractive for the purpose of someone else noticing. Men sense that. And I’m not talking physically. I talking emotionally.
Ginger is correct Kitcat. Men can sense that. As can woman. We actually seem to have a lot in common in terms of how we think and feel. I know I put a lot of my personal identity into someone else. I will always love my wife. But the man she fell in love with was put together, confident, and didn’t care what others thought. Basically the opposite of what I am now. I think for me, and maybe for you the best thing we could do is move on with our lives like our spouses aren’t coming back. Once they realize we are confident and ok, it seems reading though a lot of the success stories anyway, the spouses become intrigued again.
I wish you luck and happiness. Hang in there. Find your happiness without him, whatever that is. If he comes back than great! And if he doesn’t, well you’re still happy. We can only control ourselves. We can’t manipulate or control our spouses into wanting us again.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I read what you wrote... went to think about it before writing anything.
I do see what you are saying. I'm still struggling with wanting my H to notice me. To look at me like he used to and not how he looked at me today.
I still write down several times a day what LH wrote: has gf, bought house, moving out... those are his actions. It's to bring me to accept how things are right now.
When I'm seeing him when I haven't seen him for weeks... yes, I still want him to notice. I see that I have to get to a place where I don't care what he notices.
I'm working on giving my H space and not doing behaviors that would push him further away... but I do see that you say I'm a waiting on validation of H.
I will keep moving forward and try to put all this input into a better me.
I've seen H now for the 3rd time in 7 days. Given I hadn't laid eyes on him for over three weeks its seems surreal.
Outside of the 1hr drive back to the house last Wednesday where we chatted non-stop. Last Sunday there wasn't any other talk outside of what was being moved, etc. Yesterday the only talk was about the doorbell.
He even called me 10min after leaving with some ideas for the doorbell. I'm sure he is helping me out as he would any friend and not because he cares more than that... ultimately the doorbell issue got fixed and I did call back letting him know it was a simple error on my part. Apologized that he had to get into the attic like that which he replied no worries. He give me instructions to give to S18 on the exposed wiring at the entry way.
H doesn't bring up any R talks. H doesn't bring up OW. H just brings up getting his stuff.
H hasn't been angry when in person with me, but H doesn't smile. He comes across as numb?
I sent a simple thank-you text about appreciating his help with doorbell. Didn't expect a reply and didn't get one.
Of course I'm flooded with emotion to send him texts that I miss him... OR could we meet and talk? I don't follow through... WHY? Because i can't handle the rejection if he ignores. I felt like a stupid puppy following him out to the car when I suspected he was just putting the totes by the front door and leaving.
And, somehow I felt like that silly puppy again as I'm walking him to the front door making eye contact as he keeps repeating "is there any anything else?"... I kept saying no... but its like I kept sitting like a toddler wanting approval as he kept repeating it. Once outside the house I closed the door. i think he sat in his truck for like 10min before leaving -- I suspect he was texting OW.
Keep going forward... I will make a list of things that I need to do for me for today. Weight loss is really cranking up my self esteem... I will get there.
You’re back putting all the focus on your husband. I really want you to understand that right now there is absolutely nothing you can do to change what’s happening.
Take the focus off him and put it all on yourself.
Congratulations on the weight loss but there are other areas that you need to explore. Are you in IC?
You’re back putting all the focus on your husband. I really want you to understand that right now there is absolutely nothing you can do to change what’s happening.
I'm trying so hard NOT to put the focus on my H. I'm really working on things I can change in myself. I'm doing a program and setting a 30 day goal and then I'm starting another 10week course.
I know he was unhappy and hurting. I know he said he would never allow me to have another chance where he might get hurt again... its all so stupid... I'm so stupid... and I'm sorry.
I did one heartfelt apology. I won't apologize any more.
I am having a hard time seeing there is nothing I can do... as much as I struggle internally... I'm grateful I didn't blow up his phone with I miss you's or can we talk?... I have battled down all those urges. Its what I want to do. But, I know it won't work.
You are not stupid. Going through this, is likely the most difficult thing you have dealt with and it can be emotionally paralyzing.
We have established that you put way too much focus on your H. Why do you think that is? LH asked if you are in IC. Not being able to take the focus off your H, would be a good thing to discuss.
Here's the thing, you have to put the focus on yourself for things to change. You need to get to a healthy and happy place. You need to address your issues and improve your relationship skills. So when you move forward with your H or a new person, you will have already done the work.
Putting so much focus on your H, is slowing down the process for your sitch to move to the next chapter. There are no guarantees to the outcome, but getting to the next chapter has to be better than what you are dealing with now.
By not engaging your H in anything outside of what is absolutely necessary, is doing something.
Right now, your H is not doing any work, but that is not your concern or responsibility. However, if he were to say he was ready to come back now, neither of you would be prepared to how challenging piecing is. Piecing is not easy.
Next month, my W and I would have been reconciled for 6 years, however she has had some other issues surface and wants to go her own way. It sukks. I didn't break her, and it isn't up to me to fix her. I have removed myself from her life the best I can, with the exception of communication regarding kids and legal issues. Point being, piecing and recon present a new set of challenges and you better be in a healthy place.
Lastly, when is the last time you have read the threads from Cadet's Welcoming post? I'd suggest going back to review them. Even the ones in the MLC Forum.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
