A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL APRIL OFFER -- SAVE $40
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $350
CALL 303-444-7004 and mention this offer
or use code: SAVE_$40 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Persistent Endurance (Part 8) #2892115
04/13/20 07:19 AM
04/13/20 07:19 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
C
curtis7 Offline OP
Member
curtis7  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
Link to Part 1:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2841771
Link to Part 2:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2842502
Link to Part 3:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2845184
Link to Part 4:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2850893
Link to Part 5:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2857721
Link to Part 6:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2863026
Link to Part 7:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2868896

Summary to date:
W was unhappy in 2018 and probably a few years earlier about her lack of career advancement, responsibilities of being a mother and wife, and lack of connection in our MR. She became involved in an EA with OM1 (a co-worker) in August 2018. She went to an IC without my knowledge and determined that I was the cause of her unhappiness. BD and IHS in November 2018. I begged, pleaded, and became super husband. She became obsessed with her physical appearance and recapturing her youth. EA with OM1 became a PA. She met OM2 (25 year old pickup artist) in mid-November 2018 has been having a PA with him going on a year. W went deeply underground with her smartphone when I found out and confronted. W met OM3 in March 2019 on an online dating app and had an ongoing PA with him as well. W distanced herself from anyone of strong moral character and primarily interacts with a recently divorced woman that became her BFF in 2018. W bought her own house and moved out in early April 2019. We arranged 50/50 custody of our kids, S8 and D5, rotating every few days.

We attended Retrouvaille at the end of September 2019. W genuinely opened up and seemed to put forth effort. That was short-lived and she is back to her WW behavior with the OM. W was inching her way back in December 2019. WW resumed at the start of the New Year and A's continued through the end of February 2020. I was done living in an open marriage and presented her D settlement papers at the beginning of March 2020. W came to me a week later in tears asking for another month. Halfway through that month, the Coronavirus changed the way we lived. W started staying back home at our marital house 17 months post-BD and just over a year after moving out. She has not moved back in and I cannot say that we are piecing in any way.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892117
04/13/20 07:36 AM
04/13/20 07:36 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
C
curtis7 Offline OP
Member
curtis7  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
This is a continuation from my last update in Part 7.

So while December looked hopeful, the New Year brought WW back to the forefront. W chose to spend NYE with divorced BFF rather than our family. I left her alone for much of January and February and stopped inviting her to events. The roller coaster continued as she distanced herself. She went to see an IC a couple of times, but didn’t share what was discussed and I didn’t ask.

We were at S9’s flag football game in late February and when I walked over to her I saw that she was texting OM3. I decided that enough was enough. I was no longer going to live in an open marriage. The next day I presented the draft D settlement to her. I was done with all of this and she knew it.

A week later she came to me in tears and started a 2 hour R talk. There a lot of details in this conversation that I may share at some point. A few highlights are that she started listening to an affair audiobook that I had sent her and that she wishes someone could just tell her what to do. I asked if she was still in contact with OM3. She said yes. She said he reached back out to her. She said he is the polar opposite of me and is ruled by emotions. She said she knows she has no future with him. She knows that no contact is required and she said the only way she could go cold turkey is to do something that would make him never want to contact her again. I asked what would that be. She said getting back together with you. She said she knows I don’t have empathy for him but she feels that he is suicidal. W asked if she could have another month. I didn’t answer directly. I told her that I don’t trust her, that I don’t trust her not to hurt me again.

I thought about it for a couple days and decided to give her the month. After all, what was another month? It would put us at 17 months to the day post-BD and just over a year living apart. I never told her I was giving her the month and continued to live my life the way I wanted. Then the Coronavirus happened.

In mid-March W texts: “Hey there are rumors that we will be on lockdown soon. I feel bad asking, but can I stay there if that happens. So we are all together? Horse, kids and all?” I replied “It would be nice to be all together again.” There was not much talk about it in the weeks that followed, then the lockdown order was given.

In early April, (1 year and 3 days after moving out), W came home and has been living in the guest bedroom.

W has been staying at our house for a week. We are both working remotely out of our home and assisting our kids with virtual school during the day. She goes back to her place every couple days to change out her clothes. She’s brought some food over. At times it feels like we are a family. She cleans, trims the bushes, and helps with meals. Then goes to sleep alone. No physical contact, no explanation on what this means for us or what the future holds. I don’t ask and try not to pressure.

W definitely has not moved back in. She has told me a few times in the past that she wouldn’t come back and leave again, that she couldn’t do that to the kids. So, I don’t know what this is. I’m just going with it. Feels good to be with the kids everyday and have them here, in their home.

Two nights ago, she went back to her place to get clothes and pickup a package. She was gone for several hours. When she returned later that night she was visibly distraught. She said she had dinner with a couple that was a mutual acquaintance. The H has a psychology background and she said she was discussing a moral dilemma with him. I asked if there was anything she wanted to share with me. She replied not now, but soon. I said okay and probably had a look of displeasure on my face as I walked away. About 15 minutes later I heard her sniffling in the kitchen as she was preparing Easter eggs to color with the kids. I walked up to her and said come here and gave her a long hug. She immediately squeezed me tight and started crying lightly. I said when you’re ready to tell me, I’m here.

I came back to the board now because I need some help. Something strange is going on and I could use some advice. Two days ago I started receiving texts from an unknown number. The texts identify OM1 (co-worker) and OM3 (foul mouthed scum bag) by name and offer to provide their contact information. They say that W has not been honest with me, urge me to ask her the truth about them, and claim to have pictures. They refer to “we” have this information. I ask if I know them. They replied it doesn’t matter much. I asked if anyone is in danger. They replied absolutely not. The texts have continued indicating that OM1 sent a few pictures out to “trusted” people and that W didn’t honor her end of the deal. They say let us know when you want the numbers and pictures.

I have not shared any of this with my W, what should I do about this?


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892118
04/13/20 08:23 AM
04/13/20 08:23 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,484
C
CWarrior Online
Member
CWarrior  Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,484
Hi Curtis,

Originally Posted by Curtis
They say that W has not been honest with me, urge me to ask her the truth about them, and claim to have pictures.

If I recall correctly, you desire a monogamous marriage but will accept an open marriage (e.g., you kept that horse around, and let her move in without any terms such as monogamy, transparency, etc.) You've tried many things to get to a monogamous marriage. It must be frustrating she won't offer that.

If knowledge of what your ex-wife is doing with other men excites you, ask. If not, then don't. From a practical perspective you already know she's a WW and she hasn't agreed to reconcile. In your shoes I wouldn't ask, but I also wouldn't have let her move in. Choose what's right for you.

Originally Posted by Curtis
Feels good to be with the kids everyday and have them here, in their home.

No judgement here. If this feels good to you, that's great. All's well between consenting adults.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892119
04/13/20 09:44 AM
04/13/20 09:44 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,312
L
LH19 Online
Member
LH19  Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,312
C,

I'm glad you came back and I am really sorry you are still going through this with everything that is going on in the world. I can understand your frustration with the advice you received on here because it was completely different that what you were doing. I think you also should look at the other side and understand complete strangers were taking time out of their day to try to help you even though you never embraced DB from day 1.

Just answering your question. Why bother? At this point what can you find out? That your W is a liar? You already know this right? It's kind of like when the police go to inmates for information. What's the inmates (OM) agenda?

I think we're finding on the board that the virus is not cooperating with WWs who are in affairs.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892122
04/13/20 10:54 AM
04/13/20 10:54 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
C
curtis7 Offline OP
Member
curtis7  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by CWarrior
If knowledge of what your ex-wife is doing with other men excites you, ask. If not, then don't. From a practical perspective you already know she's a WW and she hasn't agreed to reconcile. In your shoes I wouldn't ask, but I also wouldn't have let her move in. Choose what's right for you.
CW, I have plenty of knowledge of these OM back in my snooping days (haven’t done that again in almost 5 months). I guess I’m asking if I should show the texts to her and let her lead and decide what to do?

Originally Posted by LH19
I'm glad you came back and I am really sorry you are still going through this with everything that is going on in the world. I can understand your frustration with the advice you received on here because it was completely different that what you were doing. I think you also should look at the other side and understand complete strangers were taking time out of their day to try to help you even though you never embraced DB from day 1.
Hey LH, good to hear from you. I agree that I didn’t DB the way I was advised. I see many flaws in how I reacted and chose to handle my sitch. Letting her go, working on myself, focusing on the kids, and just living my life for me worked the best.

Originally Posted by LH19
Just answering your question. Why bother? At this point what can you find out? That your W is a liar? You already know this right?
Lol, yes, of course I know about the lies. Being gaslighted for a year makes you keenly aware when others are not being honest with you. I have no interest in finding out more about her proclivities. The mind movies have been difficult enough to erase. They start to fade away, then I receive a reminder like this which triggers them back to the forefront.

My concern is that someone may be stalking her or that she is being blackmailed. I’ve received over a dozen texts from this number in a couple days. I suspect a request for money could be coming if I show interest in their information. Perhaps someone hacked her computer or phone or one of the OM sold her nude selfies as a way to get back at her for breaking off the A. Or perhaps it’s one of the OM that wants me to throw her out so they get revenge or she goes back to them. Has anyone heard of anything like this before?


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892124
04/13/20 11:18 AM
04/13/20 11:18 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,312
L
LH19 Online
Member
LH19  Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,312
C,

Not your circus and not your monkeys. If you have any chance at a recon she has to hit rock bottom first.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892126
04/13/20 11:56 AM
04/13/20 11:56 AM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,085
N
neffer Offline
Member
neffer  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,085
Glad you are back Curtis. You are still giving power to other people. You give W power, you give OMs power. Stop that. Control what you can: yourself and your kids lives. Focus on that and keep DB.

W is still WW Curtís. Be aware of that. Command respect by showing her you are walking your road. A road of dignity.

Keep DB. Be the lighthouse.


WW H(me): 50
W: 46
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892133
04/13/20 01:18 PM
04/13/20 01:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Quote
The texts have continued indicating that OM1 sent a few pictures out to “trusted” people and that W didn’t honor her end of the deal. They say let us know when you want the numbers and pictures.


Strange wording, considering there is no honor among cheaters.

Quote
They say let us know when you want the numbers and pictures.


Was the pronoun "us" actually used in the text messages?

IMHO, you need to ask yourself what do you have to gain with these phone numbers and pictures. You already know she was cheating with various men. What would you do with the numbers? Have a chat with these dishonorable men, expecting the truth? And, if there are photos circulating, I doubt you could stop it. This will only have power over you, if you take the bait.

The anonymous person sounds as if they want to remain in the shadows while feeling gratified that your WW pays the price for her hidden deeds. IDK that it would come under the heading of blackmail. To me, it sounds like something a spiteful female would do. You know, there are some people in the world that just get irked at the thought of someone "getting away" with secret, inappropriate behavior. Especially, if that it's someone they don't like. They take it upon themselves to drop hints (or more) to the blinded LBH, especially if it looks like there could be a reconciliation.......without him knowing the full story. Maybe it is a co-worker or a scorned woman.......who knows. Apparently, they seem to think if you have phone numbers and photos, you'll distribute your own brand of justice........and they get to sit back and watch the show, or the results of it.

I think if you respond, then they've got ya!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: curtis7] #2892137
04/13/20 01:33 PM
04/13/20 01:33 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,606
Missouruh
O
ovrrnbw Offline
Member
ovrrnbw  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,606
Missouruh
Hi Curtis,

Nice to hear from you.

Sorry to hear where things still are but I hope you are making some progress of your own too.

I wouldn't respond to those texts. I would block the number. These texts don't tell you anything you don't already know. These texts lead you down the road of pain and attachment when you should be walking the road to salvation.

How is the progress on finding the real Curtis, the old Curtis who had fun and knew just who he was?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Persistent Endurance (Part 8) [Re: sandi2] #2892143
04/13/20 02:06 PM
04/13/20 02:06 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
C
curtis7 Offline OP
Member
curtis7  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
The texts have continued indicating that OM1 sent a few pictures out to “trusted” people and that W didn’t honor her end of the deal. They say let us know when you want the numbers and pictures.


Strange wording, considering there is no honor among cheaters.

Quote
They say let us know when you want the numbers and pictures.


Was the pronoun "us" actually used in the text messages?

Hi Sandi! Very strange indeed. Here are the texts:

Anonymous: “Ask your wife about OM1 and OM3. We have a bit of information that may change your mind about her, things you may not have known or things she has kept from you. If not, we have their numbers if you would like to ask them how they know W.“
Curtis: “May I ask who this is and why you are offering this information now?”
Anon: “Doesn't matter much. Offering this information now? A few people know....people that work with W and OM1. Ask her.”
Anon: “We both know these aren't uncharted waters for you and her. You act like you do not know she has gone off on you a few times. Ask her and see how honest she is about OM1 and OM3. She works with OM1 and OM3, we are still getting more information about him. If she doesn't tell you and OM1, we have a few pictures that may interest you.”
Anon: “If I were you, I would not tell her you know. Catch her in the act. She is telling you something different to what she is doing. We have both of their numbers if you have any questions to ask them.”
Anon: “Be patient please, it'll pay off for you.”
Anon: “To catch a woman like her, you must be patient, it will pay off for you, Curtis.”
Anon: “Let us guess, you can not respond because she is next to you?”
Curtis: “I appreciate your concern. I need some time to think things through. Let me ask is she or anyone in my family in danger?”
Anon: “Absolutely not!”
Curtis: “Ok, thank you.”
Anon: “She is definitely seeing someone though. And has been for a while. You must know that. We can provide you his name, number, where he lives. Only if it matters to you.”
Anon: “I guess it does not bother you that your wife is seeing another man. Puzzling.”
Anon: “You let us know when you want the pictures and numbers so you can call for yourself. Obviously she is lying to you.”
Anon: “Do not say you were not told ahead of time.”
Anon: “That woman is only using you for her security.“
Anon: “If you think these are messages to upset you, they are not. If W telling you 1 thing and doing another, you need to know. She is not and has not been honest with you in so long. Ask her about OM1, whom she works with, ask her about their affair. He's sent a few pictures out to "trusted" people. This has all happened when she was with you and the cat snuck out of the bag because W did not honor her end of the deal.”

One error in their texts is that OM3 doesn’t work with her. He lives 2 hours away.

Originally Posted by Sandi2
IMHO, you need to ask yourself what do you have to gain with these phone numbers and pictures. You already know she was cheating with various men. What would you do with the numbers? Have a chat with these dishonorable men, expecting the truth? And, if there are photos circulating, I doubt you could stop it. This will only have power over you, if you take the bait.
I’ve known about these men for over a year. I have their numbers, I know where they live. I know more than I ever wanted to due to snooping. I never confronted them. I have no interest in ever dealing with them unless they are a threat to my family.

Originally Posted by Sandi2
The anonymous person sounds as if they want to remain in the shadows while feeling gratified that your WW pays the price for her hidden deeds. IDK that it would come under the heading of blackmail. To me, it sounds like something a spiteful female would do. You know, there are some people in the world that just get irked at the thought of someone "getting away" with secret, inappropriate behavior. Especially, if that it's someone they don't like. They take it upon themselves to drop hints (or more) to the blinded LBH, especially if it looks like there could be a reconciliation.......without him knowing the full story. Maybe it is a co-worker or a scorned woman.......who knows. Apparently, they seem to think if you have phone numbers and photos, you'll distribute your own brand of justice........and they get to sit back and watch the show, or the results of it.

I think if you respond, then they've got ya!
Sandi, I think you may be onto something about a vengeful co-worker. I wonder if this is an attempt to smear her and ruin her reputation at work. Maybe W has an idea of who they are and why they want to expose her. As a former WW, would you want to know this is going on behind the scenes?


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004