Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
#2892089 04/12/20 08:16 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
I thought I'd put my last post from my previous thread here. It just seemed too weird to have nothing to say to start the thread!

OwnIt - I agree the exchange between H and I is a bit surreal. I am surprised myself that I can ask questions about OW and not really feel much about it.


*******************************************

Happy Easter everyone!

Events here continue to unfold. Words have been shared.

H sent me a comprehensive outline of how he sees the marriage settlement agreement, and put a lot of thought into the last real sticking. It was actually well thought out, and reasonable. I had some comments back, which he accepted.

We talked on the phone for almost 30 minutes this week. It was supposed to be about the agreement, but we really didn’t talk much about it. Talked lots about his current sitch. Seems volatile. He still expressed desire for a friend to step forward and “give him some ideas, tell him what to do”. I told him that a few of our old friends are still there, and he had to just reach out and they would offer support, but that I believe he needed to make his own decisions. I said that I think he is waiting for it to get bad with OW that she will decide for him (i.e. throw him out), just like I had to make his decision for him to move out. He recognized that throughout our married life, he let me make most of the decisions, albeit that were mostly good ones. I asked him whether it was time for him to take control of his own life and make the decisions necessary to reach his goals. He listened.

He expressed again what he wanted was to move elsewhere with me and start over. I told him he had the events backwards. That we needed to see if we can ever repair and reconcile first over time, and only then make a decision whether we wanted to move out of the area. He admitted his desire to escape because of embarrassment and fear (of the gossip, I think), but I pointed out that he (we?) could start new even in this area. We both shared that neither wants to file for divorce now, and the agreement will be done to have in place in case we do. No assets will be split at this time, and he will continue to financially provide.

It was a good conversation, but I think fear still has too big of a hold on him to make any real decisions. He says therapy is going very well, and he is making good progress. I hope he doesn’t rush into thinking he is better and quits. Only time will tell.

Yesterday he sent me a message: “Miss you. JS” (JS for just saying, not his initials)

Today I sent him a short message wishing him a Happy Easter, and didn't know if he was celebrating but wanted him to know I was thinking of him. I said "To me, Easter = Hopes". He responded that he thinks about me all the time. And "Well put. Hope. I just need strength".

Something is happening, but I will let time tell me exactly what it is, and where it leads.

I have thought a lot about DnJ’s words:

Originally Posted by DnJ
I too have thought about trust. I also have experienced declines in trust and the effort in re-establishing trust in work relationships. Respect also plays a part in this growth.

Regaining trust is possible. I think the problem is we get mixed up with trust vs innocence.

My XW betrayed me pretty brutally; like happened to lots of folks around here. I do believe I could find trust with her again. It would take work on both sides. Like at work - a consistent demonstrable behaviour leads to (re)building a trusting relationship. (I’m actually currently dealing with a subordinate on this very issue).

XW and I, would we ever have that innocence again? Hmmmm.

I see the naive trust we had pre-BD. It was more child-like; it hadn’t had any crazy huge rifts or problems to survive. If she ever turned back, and wanted to do the work, our new trust would be a different kind. One where it is chosen. Not so much innocent, more mature.

Maybe that trust would be stronger. It would take her to acknowledge her actions, have true remorse, and really change. Similar on my side to regain her trust in me. In that effort, respect would be gained as well.

I think that is the key to a new relationship. Not innocence, that is not a priority. Trust and respect, that is the priority. That’s the priority for our “next” relationship. Everyone gives that advice; don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect you. We are worthy of trust and respect.

It’s just your “next” relationship might be with H. It’s a new relationship, and it’s going to be based on trust and respect.

A few key points I see. A person has to trust themselves, before they can trust another. Not a problem for you. H has work to do. He has been untrustworthy, needs to change his views, and trust that he has.

Trust vs. innocence is worthy of additional meditation. I don’t think I want that innocence. Seems immature. But I don’t want it to morph to vigilance either. That certainly is no way to life. I do believe that my next relationship could be with H. It’s a scary, daunting, thought, but also hopeful. I seem to let all the hurdles get in the way of focusing on the hope: Feeling like everyone will think me making the biggest mistake of my life getting back together, the need for H to repair his relationship with D and S, their willingness to forgive, doubting that trust can happen, and fear that the old patterns will return. But, I will continue to work hard to stay positive, present, and not worry about all the what ifs. That is in God’s hands.

To me. Worry is not trusting God, and trying to take control. Why should I take on that burden when it has already been taken by Jesus?

My path is still just that. Mine. I will continue to enjoy my kids, my friends, my backyard, and my work. I will fill my days with things that are productive, and give me joy.

This Easter Sunday, I am thinking about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us, and the hope he gave for all of us when he rose again.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
Happy Easter, Grace! Your words here give me hope, not only because your H seems to be gaining increased self-awareness, but because you continue to move through your life with grace, patience, and strength, and that is heartening and inspiring to witness.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
Happy Easter, Grace! We get to say it for 50 days! Yay!

I read on another post (not here) something that has been helping me. As we just experienced Jesus rising, I feel especially close to our brother... The poster said, "Jesus was in love with you before you were formed."

And I cried. Even now I tear up. I had been missing that feeling of my H being "in love" with me. But knowing that Jesus has been in love with me and will be forever... well that just trumps all, doesn't it?

So whatever happens with your H, you are already so very well loved. Now, we must love ourselves the same. To be in love with ourselves. To see ourselves when we look in the mirror. Not just our face, hair, etc... but when we gaze into our own eyes and see the love that God has for us shining back... well wow, then we know we are all.

I hope for you, as you continue to build your life, trust God, and allow for things to unfold as it should, we will be the love for ourselves that we had longed for from our spouses...

And in doing so, our kids will learn the deep well of love that exists for them in themselves and through us. We can be Jesus' conduit. If we so choose... without strings, without expectations... and we can do this not just for ourselves, our kids, and our families... but eventually and fully for our spouses as well. And as we do, it won't matter what they decide. The love exists whether they are in our lives or not.

Now it's just a matter of me believing this myself and maintaining zero expectations where my H is concerned. Have a blessed rest of your week, Grace!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Cardinal - thanks for your kind words. It makes me happy that by sharing my experiences and thoughts, I can help and inspire others.

Believe - You comments are very timely. God = Love, and the greatest commandment is love. I feel loved, and love who I have become in this process.

I am doing a devotional now, but I don't think I can post the full name - puspose driven. Anyway, today's message was all about "mature love", and love is a choice and an action, not an emotion. Early on in my journey, I chose to try to have all my interactions with H, and really try to live my life, as Jesus would, with love, compassion, understanding, and with no judgement. Do I always succeed? Certainly not. But, that choice, and those actions, have given me a peace I never thought possible throughout this journey. One thing that was said in the podcast for my devotional just today was this:

"Loving someone is giving them what they NEED. Not what they DESERVE."

This was exactly the validation I needed today, as my dad last night on the phone couldn't understand why I haven't filed for D, and he said that there is no way he would ever take someone back that did what my H did. I just told him that it wasn't his life, and I didn't know what life holds and I'm o.k. with my decision.

Several posts back, I wrote about H asking me if I loved him, and I balked. I didn't know. Now I understand that those fuzzy feelings we have with someone is not love. Love is the actions we do, showing caring, providing a need, doing something to make someone happy. All action. Not a fuzzy feeling.

Maybe H needs my love more than ever to help him out of what certainly must be a living hell. Regardless of reconciliation. Most people would say he certainly doesn't deserve it. Heck, everyone would, and I could too. But I don't feel that way.

I will continue to listen to the promptings from God, and take it one day at a time.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Well said Grace.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
Grace - your above message gave me goosebumps and I agree it was so well said. (My first response didn’t post properly so I hope I can remember the gist of what I said).

Your post is so very helpful to me because despite being surrounded by love and support I do feel the opinions of others that don’t understand why I’m not angry. I entertain a lot of “you should said say this, or do that” ....I know they hate seeing my hurt and upset but I choose the same path as you. I struggle greatly at times with how awful, lost and alone H must be feeling despite the outward anger and confidence he displays. I like how you said that your “choices and actions have given you a peace you never thought possibly throughout this journey”. I am still relatively early on in my journey and can feel this peace at times when I behave true to myself, true to my character which is loving and compassionate. How interesting that I feel most off balance when there is conflict, confrontation and when I let fear or frustration take the wheel.

I will mark this and re-read when I need the reminder. Thank you (((Grace)))

Last edited by job; 04/17/20 07:33 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
Grace,
During a weekend couples retreat we attended back in December, they said love is a decision. We hadn't heard that before and it really struck my H. And for a couple of months, he lived like he believed it. He tried really really hard. Even though he was confused, feeling trapped and wanted out, he was doing so much to try and be there for me.

Then BOOM-- 180 and he raced into the tunnel. He doesn't say he loves me anymore. Before he would tell me he loved me after I told him. I knew he didn't mean he was in love with me. I knew he meant he loves me as a person, but the last 2 weeks (only said it twice) he's said, "I know." It kills me really.

But I know that love is a choice and a decision. It is something we commit to "doing" and not just being. Although it is also a feeling. The thing is, our MLCers have too many feelings and sometimes not enough. They are both numb and burning up with emotion.

When my H admits it, which he has randomly (but not often), I see how much this is hurting him and how lost he really is. It is terrifying really. To know they are in the dark and for those who are avoidant (which mine is-- avoids conflict or too many emotions), this is really just too much. They are drowning in feelings, fears, and then nothing. It must feel like they are going crazy.

And here we are... the spouse who has been there for them through so much. They can't face themselves. They can't face us. Who knows if it's a combo of guilt, shame, trapped, loneliness... and so many more... they just can't have us as another burden they need to worry about or carry.

I feel for my H and I will stand until the day I die. I made a vow. I promised with my heart and soul. We are already bound in heaven and I won't let earth destroy that. He can do what he needs to do. Even if it leads him away from me, I decided.

We can't let others, who may not get it, sway us from our personal commitment. We must trust that God is taking care of what we can't see (our spouse) and that we too are being supported, carried, and loved.

It is so very hard. But I too believe like you that the only path forward is through.... and that means standing.

Blessings

PS.... the hardest part for me is non-judgement-- trying not to "fix" him. He's doing what he needs to do to heal. God has him. I can't judge if he is doing it "right" or if what he is doing is "right." Yes, that's hard... compassion, understanding, even love.... but non-judgement? That's hard because what he does hurts... the pulling back, the non-affection, the lack of love and caring on his part... but love doesn't require the other person's participation. It only requires ours... I need to remember that.


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Kindly - I'm glad my words spoke to you. Taking the high road and not compromising our values or beliefs, or erode who we are deep down can only ultimately be good for us and give us that peace we all want. I still have difficult times, but try to quickly regroup. Today was one of them, as H and I had several e-mail exachanges about D20. It's upsetting to me how he is blaming her for their rift. Still taking no responsbility. I engaged with him on this but looking back, regret it. He's just not there yet. I will let it go now. I must let it go. For me, but also for H.

Believe - I hear you on the struggle for non-judgement and the need to fix things. I think most LBSs share that struggle. However, you have insight, and are doing well.

My struggle continues. My impatience at the process reared it's ugly head today. But, going into the weekend now, so time for a long bike ride and a walk in the preserve. That always gives me peace.


Last edited by Grace21; 04/17/20 12:13 AM.

M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
Grace, hope your bike ride and walk in the preserve went well. Attended online mass today, but was distracted. I tend to find my mind wandering a lot. I don't know if I developed ADD after so much trauma, both mine and my H's MLC.

Trying to find God in the day. Maybe what i need is a hug from someone. Going to reach out to my kids. I need love in a big way and not just a mental construct of it.

Sending you healing, loving, peaceful thoughts.


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
WARNING! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

A phrase the pops into my brain with a bit of frequency of late.

Feelings ebb and flow. A glimmer of awakening on the horizon.

H and I had a few normal, nice exchanges via email about a new car I purchased. About 3 days ago, he ended one with “I’m glad we can communicate regularly and in a nice way again. Truly.” I said “me too”.

That evening, he sent me a text message: “He has dug a pit and hollowed it out, And has fallen into the hole which he made. Psalm 7:15”. That was it. Just a scripture. I was so surprised. A scripture? Wow. I was making then eating dinner with the kids, so didn’t see it or respond right away. Was he looking for a response? Most certainly. I have no doubt about that.

Me: “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2”

He didn’t respond, nor did I expect him to. I messaged briefly the next day to inform him something about S23, and he sent a brief response. No other communication since.

I struggled this week with wondering if I should be communicating with him like this while he is living with OW. Am I letting him cake eat? It’s weighed a bit heavy on my mind. But, I am still proceeding with the negotiations for the agreement, and living my life fully. So, perhaps it’s not something I should spend too much time worrying about. *sigh*

My lesson/podcast for day 20 of my devotional I mentioned in an earlier post was about repairing relationships, and the testimony was from a man that almost lost his family and finished by saying if we are in a broken marriage there is hope.

I found myself telling God out loud during that podcast that I want my marriage to be repaired. I asked God to give H the tools and endurance needed to make that happen, asked God to intervene and help H repair his relationship with the kids, and especially D20. I think this is the first time I really acknowledged that.

My earthly mind thinks it’s a long shot. But my spirit knows that God can do anything if it is in His will.

I will continue to wait to see what He wants of me.

Perhaps I will proceed in faith instead of caution. Seems a better way to live.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Grace, I think its inevitable that you have to allow a little cake if you want to reconcile your marriage. You are in a different position than most. He is testing to see if you are safe and are going to push him when he isn't ready. As long as he is being kind and respectful, and it isn't making you spin, then it seems there is no harm in it. If it goes on longer term and gives him just enough taste to keep him stuck, then maybe you pull back. But it seems that he is moving closer to you.

Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
OwnIt - thanks very much for this perspective. Makes a lot of sense to me now. He had said to me that he is taking huge risks by sharing with me (i.e. it goes against how he lived his whole life, he fears I could "use the info to hurt him", etc). I will follow by gut right now, and that is to engage in a compassionate, caring way. Thinkig of him living with OW still is a big ouch, I won't lie, but I really believe he is miserable, and that is something anyway.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Gracie -- I think you can have caution about H but absolute faith in God. Think of Peter looking at his feet and sinking. Don't look at your feet. H is still drowning in the stormy sea but if you keep your eye on Christ then I think you will know what to do each time, and what to say, and how long you should wait before you respond. I had exchanges like this with my H up until he filed, even maybe a bit after that. Sometimes I would say a little too much -- e.g., quoting scripture back might be too much. (I realized at some point that it was better for me to respond with scripture in my prayers and not to H. To H I just said things like, "So true," or "So beautiful" if he quoted scripture, and then as far as quoting it back or marveling about it, I kept that between me and God. Not that you should, I don't know what you should do! Just sharing what happened to me.) Anyway -- if I imagined that Christ was sitting quietly in the room -- or in the branch of a tree or on the roof of my car, etc -- watching me, loving me, I usually knew how much/little to say. I literally used to sometimes imagine that Christ was running next to my car on the highway, smiling at me through the window.

(Looking back, I have no regrets about my endless stand. I did everything I could, and I got closer to God. My kids witnessed what it took to stand for a marriage and understood what a vow means. I am glad that they will remember me standing for seven years. I am glad they don't have to deal with a stepdad or stepsiblings -- at least until they are grown, but maybe always.... I don't want to restore anymore, I am scared that God would ask that of me, actually. But I am glad I did everything I did, I feel like I listened to God and it brought me closer to God, even if H chose the darkness in the end.)

I think OwnIt's comments are not only right on the moolah, but also, coming from Own who is not a person of faith, it is saying a lot that she reads things that way. I agree with her about him testing the waters and about you being safe. I don't think it's cake eating or that you should even think about if it is or not, as long as you are looking at God, not H, when you choose your actions. Your H is testing and looking at the water, that doesn't mean you should!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
Perhaps I will proceed in faith instead of caution. Seems a better way to live.

I agree!

Originally Posted by Grace21
WARNING! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

A phrase the pops into my brain with a bit of frequency of late.

Perhaps see caution as being careful and not the timidity side of it. Overly cautious sounds rather fearful, and not where I think you are.

Proceed with careful faith.

I have faith that cars will stop. However, I still look both ways before just stepping out into the street.

Faith isn’t blind. The idea of blind faith, is misused and invalid. All of us have a reason, many reasons, to believe. Blind faith suggests believing without reason.

Faith is a belief that has taken hold so strongly within you that it alters your actions and behaviours. Many many people are people of faith and do not realize it. Faith is usually reserved for speaking about religion and God, but belief is belief, and faith can extend to anything and anyone.

Faith, beliefs, trust - all tie together, and none are blind.

Live with faith and caution.

The eyes wide open kind of caution. The fearless kind.

Since I’m apparently standing on my soapbox:

That kind of faith is the kind that moves mountains. It can simultaneously and paradoxically throw caution to the wind and yet is not reckless.

The belief in goodness and light is such a beacon, becomes such a force.

Forgiveness is one of the things that requires such a faith.

From my journey and my own efforts: It appears almost reckless how one has to offer their broken and hurting heart and soul upon the alter of forgiveness. It again appears reckless and blind, taking this action without the other person even deserving it. One has to risk so much of themselves, open themselves up to so much possible pain and hurt - so not true.

Forgiveness is a requisite for peace and acceptance. Forgiveness is for you.

This forgiveness and faith is based on compassion and understanding. Realizing and working towards one’s peaceful gentle life is a long view of things. That view is careful and cautious with our precious heart and soul. It is best to face life free and happy , not bitter, resentful, and trapped.

That is not a reckless path. It is a path of fulfillment, enlightenment, and such a faith. It will so moves your mountain. And you will be changed!

That’s a faith worth living for.

That’s a faith worth forgiving for.

For what it’s worth, H is cautiously extending his belief and faith in you. Sharing his feelings and things that could be used against him is something he is quite fearful of. It is nice to see his progress. Where it goes, time will tell.

H is still living with OW. Eating cake. You are correct, do not invest your time worrying or thinking about it. By the way you are not worrying about it, you’re worrying about when it will stop - as in why hasn’t it yet. Watch out for the hidden expectations.

Worry and fear are for things not yet happening. We don’t worry about something that is currently happening. We worry about what might happen, or not.

It is hard enough to let go of fear and worry when seeing them accurately. It becomes almost impossible when we work on the incorrect trigger and event. Hopeful that helps.

Originally Posted by Grace21
I found myself telling God out loud during that podcast that I want my marriage to be repaired. I asked God to give H the tools and endurance needed to make that happen, asked God to intervene and help H repair his relationship with the kids, and especially D20. I think this is the first time I really acknowledged that.

I am glad you acknowledged all that.

God does act, does intervene, through those who allow Him.

You control you. Let God shine through you. Have a faith and forgiveness that moves and changes you. That light garbs you, and cloaks you in His loving embrace.

H will see you and your brilliance. It is up to H if he changes.

I believe he is working on it.

I believe God is as well.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Lots of emails have been exchanged with H. He is sharing enlightenments, and also feelings of despair, fear, and lots more. I have engaged in these exchanges. Felt it’s the right thing to do when he reaches out.

But, today I realized that in spite of all the sharing, he is not ready to receive. I am fearful (terrified, really) of being drawn into the fixer role, the mother that just wants her boy to stop hurting. To get over it. Whatever.

I am doing well, but can see how engaging in such a way can be counterproductive. To H’s journey, to potential reconciliation. Today there was an exchange. He pointed out on two separate instances where something I said he considered snarky, and that he reminded me he wasn’t an idiot. Re-reading them, I can see how he thought that. I apologized. But I feel I am sliding into too much advice (even though he voices he wants help). I realize I am not the one to give it.

So, I am stepping back. I have way too much on my hands with D20. Lots going on there. And trying to encourage my recently graduated S22.

I am anxious for normal to return. It’s time. Time for society to return to normal, everyday life. Time for me to return to my own normal. To just live peacefully and joyfully.

Today I went on another long bike ride with a friend. I never go alone because I’m worried about getting a flat or other bike problem in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, 28 miles, over half of it in a preserve. It was awesome. I wish I could post some pics here.

Tomorrow yard projects continue, as well as closet cleaning. Last week S22, this week D20.

Normalcy is beginning to return already.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Way back in college, a guy friend of mine said that he could see us getting together later in life after we both married and divorced someone else. I said “When I marry, it will be for life”. That exchange with my friend so many years ago has popped into my mind periodically throughout the years.

I realize I still want to be married for life. But sometimes we don’t get what we want. We are promised by God that he will always give us what we need, but not necessarily what we want. This is not meant to be doom and gloom. Far from it. Just an observation, and an acknowelgement that God is in control.

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. I don’t feel too down about it. It’s just noted in my head and heart today. I had a fleeting thought to wear my wedding ring today. But, my finger is bare.

Time will bring me the answer to whether I will be married for life. Time will bring the answer to whether H can heal enough, whether the family can heal enough, whether H or I have the stamina to do the hard work, whether there can be enough change to sustain the relationship with a spouse I know I need, and deserve.

Today, I will remind myself why I am standing, and pray to God for continued guidance on my journey.

Grace

Last edited by Grace21; 05/04/20 11:46 AM.

M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. I don’t feel too down about it. It’s just noted in my head and heart today. I had a fleeting thought to wear my wedding ring today. But, my finger is bare.

(((Grace)))

For what it’s worth, good for you to go ring-less.

It’s ok to feel not much towards the anniversary. You are wise enough to realize your own indifference and that muted feelings are a good and healing thing.

Very good on stepping back as well. It was interesting to read how H isn’t quite ready to receive. And yeah, pull back, else wise it would be counterproductive.

Remain patient. Time will bring those answers.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by Grace21

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. I don’t feel too down about it. It’s just noted in my head and heart today. I had a fleeting thought to wear my wedding ring today. But, my finger is bare.



I hear you, my dear. Detachment seems to be helping you walk this journey. And you kept your vows in everything you do, even in the boundaries you set, a way to respect those vows.

Regarding rings -- I have my grandmother's wedding ring and I just couldn't bring myself to ever take it off since her marriage was so beautiful and she was so important to me, always promising that that ring would go to me. She didn't want me to marry H. I wonder what she saw. She hated outsiders so I thought it was just that but now I wonder. Anyway, I couldn't ever take it off but I moved it to the other hand, like a widow. I have this other ring I have written about before, which I feel that God gave me -- I found it after reading a testimony on Rejoice about a woman who prayed for a ring to replace hers and suddenly one day in church a woman came over and said, "I don't know why, but I feel that God told me to give you this ring." I was blown away by that story, early in my stand, because I had taken off my engagement ring in anger when H changed and then I lost it or it was stolen. When I told him about it some months later, he went crazy and that was BD time. So after I read that story, I wished that God would give me a ring to replace it, and two days later I found a tiny delicate gold ring with tiny diamonds in it on the street. I was going to sell it because I needed money but I put it on my finger so I wouldn't lose it and after a couple days I looked down and realized that God had just given me my ring! Anyway, that ring I put on my wedding band finger. I have tried several times to take it off to see how I felt with that finger bare and I couldn't do it. I thought of adjusting the ring so it would fit another finger, and I keep coming back to the fact that God gave me that one and it fits that finger and I had better wear it until I am sure I am not supposed to. I do not think H is meant to return but I am not sure I am not supposed to see God as my spouse for a long while, if always, so that's what I will wait to know.

My 20th anniv is on May 20th -- and I have a court conference that day. I am hoping God rounds the whole 20 years out by making everyone see that my settlement idea is our best option.

I meant to just write to you about you but ended up talking about me. But I am thinking about you, my friend! We are both bike riders just looking out at very different views. But the skies in my city are amazingly beautiful and clear now that there is no one driving.

Love to you, Gracie!

Last edited by Gerda; 05/06/20 08:27 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Gerda -

Thank you for sharing your ring story. It just once again reminds me how God is always watching, and provides just when we need it that most. If we are observant, we can see how He does this in our daily lives.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Happy Mother’s Day Grace

I hope you have a wonderful day.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Thank you DnJ. It's been a nice day. Kids made salmon lunch for me, great card with sweet messages and a thoughful gift. D20 likes to shop for 2nd hand clothes, and S22 wanted to add to his VHS collection, so off to the 2nd hand store we went. I found a pair of designer jeans that fit me perfectly for $6.98. D20 found a sweater for a buck more. Nothing for S22, but a nice time out together.

Great weekend all around. Things are relaxing here a bit, so Happy hour on Friday with a friend I haven't see in about 6 weeks, and Saturday night dinner in with another friend. I'll spend a bit of time planning a trip to another state to see family in June to celebrate S22 graduation.

I remind myself I have a nice, easy, joyful life.

But....there seems to always be a but, doesn't there?

I find myself filled with thoughts about H more regularly. Sometimes I want to just tell him to come home. I believe he would in a heart beat.

But, I realize he needs to do the work first. Then we need to do some work. I get that if we want to have another go at it, a lot of the work would come after we decide to live together again, and then it's still no guarantee. He also needs to do a lot of work with D20. And lots of healing needs to take place. So much. It's daunting even to me. I can't imagine how daunting it must be to H.

It's easy to start taking leaps into the future. I frequently have to reign my thoughts in, regroup, pray, and get on with life. I seem to have to readjust more frequently lately. Nothing in the future is guaranteed. So, I need to remind myself to just take one day at a time and not worry about what might be.

Maybe it's just one of those valleys that are necessary to traverse on the path to a future.

Marathon, not a sprint. I think I started running the marathon too fast. I forgot to pace myself. I think it's time to walk my marathon for while.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Happy Mother's Day, my dear friend-who-is-a-Grace --

Sounds to me like all your feelings are totally natural and normal. And your ability to not act on them is very wise. XOXO

A poem for you today --

Eating the Avocado

By Carrie Fountain

Now I know that I’ve never described anything, not one single thing, not
the flesh of the avocado which darkens so quickly, though if you scrape

what’s been exposed to the air it’s new-green beneath like nothing ever happened.
I want to describe this evening, though
it’s not spectacular. The baby babbling

in the other room over the din
and whistle of a football game, and now
the dog just outside the door, scratching, rattling the tags on her collar, the car
going by, far away but loud, a car without
a muffler, and the sound of the baby
returning again, pleasure and weight.
I want to describe the baby. I want to describe the baby for many hours to anyone
who wishes to hear me. My feelings for her take me so far inside myself I can see the pure holiness in motherhood, and it makes me
burn with success and fear, the hole her coming has left open, widening. Last night
we fed her some of the avocado I’ve just finished eating while writing this poem.
Her first food. I thought my heart might burst, knowing she would no longer be made
entirely of me, flesh of my flesh. Startled
in her amusing way by the idea of eating,
she tried to take it in, but her mouth
pushed it out. And my heart did burst.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
An awakening is afoot.

H sharing tidbits. A video he found helpful one day, words conveyed to show he has reached out to an old friend another. He feels relieved about the words the friend shared back.

Rejection has been averted. The monster perhaps isn't so scary any more.

Fears and acknowledgement of profound depression expressed. The walls of his prison are closing in.

He's grasping for the key, but it is just, but barely, out of reach.

Perhaps he's starting to discover he holds the power for change. He's exploring it. He is working hard.

I offer gentle support and encouragement when I feel the Holy Sprit is prompting me. Not often.

Occasionally a scripture. Today "Good Morning. I hope you have a great day". I just felt inspired to do so, and that he might need an encouraging word today.

H's response: "You too, babe."

Perhaps a new season is starting for H. Growth that will lead to a new life. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, mine remains joyful, peaceful, and full of activities.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Apr 2020
Posts: 29
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2020
Posts: 29
Grace

My H is experiencing an emotional storm right now. And I hope it will shoot him out into awakening.
To read your post right after I posted mine gave me goosebumps.
I don’t know where my H is at. But the little bits and pieces of H behavior I witness combined with events happening give me hope we are headed in the right direction.
I am so happy for you.
To see positive movement.
Enjoy your ‘you too, babe’ responses.
It’s what we all want.

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

What a good update.

It is wonderful to see H is still sharing with you. I’d say you found the right balance of when to reach out and when not too - for him and you.

You are, of course, correct that H is both prisoner and jailer. He holds his own key; like we all do. Perhaps he is starting to see that.

Keep acknowledging and accepting what he shares; when appropriate, you got a good handle on that. Processing and sorting through fears and irrational emotions takes time and some odd detours once in a while.

You really are shinning bright and he sees the lighthouse. He is still captain of his ship and still decides where he goes. However, he is watching.

Awakening is a slow journey. And you want it slow. You want it right.

Live the good and peaceful life my friend.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Hello friends,

I stop by from time to time and peek at a few threads here and there, but in all honesty, it's been a bit of a relief to just not focus on it for a while. I believe I am entering a new phase. Not sure what that means. Maybe "healing". It may involve reconnection with H.

I reported last time that H reached out to an mutual friend (from our couple's days). Our friend is more than willing to be supportive, but is allowing H to do most of the reaching out. Wise, I think. I spent the weekend with this couple, and they assured me that they would welcome H back into the fold if we were to reconcile.

H reached out to another friend (again, one of our "couples" friends), to ask if he could use their place while they are away for 3 months. Today, H sent a text message saying they agreed. Two things I believe are important here:

1) H took a leap of faith, became vulnerable to potential rejection, and asked for a favor from someone.
2) He shared this with me so I know he is serious about getting out.


I do not know his plans for actually making the move. He's got to find the courage to tell OW. He will choose to tell me or not.

BTW - the house is only about 2 miles from mine.

D20 is doing well. She continues with therapy, and I continue to be supportive, encouraging, and uplifting. I realize that she lacks self confidence, and coach her on how to approach things that need to get done. We have a wonderfule connection.

S22, the graduate, has no job prospects - yet. He's looking into short term employment just to make some cash, and hopefully things will start opening up soon. But with all the new stuff going on, who knows!

I'm sad for my home state (which I will be travelling to with the kids in a few weeks to celebrate the graduate with immediate family), and i'm sad for my country. I fear for my kids future.

But, I believe God is in control, and He will prevail.

Life is good.

Grace

P.S. If anyone could point me to posts that talk about successful reconnection, and/or the process, I would appreciate it. I will need help in navigating it. If I look at the entire journey, it's daunting, but if I look at a few days or weeks ago, it seems hopeful.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Grace,

Here is a thread that I created many years ago on the reconnection process. I hope this helps. One thing that I caution people who are in the process of reconnecting...you, the LBS, must be very, very patient. This is the stage whereby you need to listen, provide a safe place to land and allow them to come to you. There will come a time when you can talk about what transpired...but you really must dig deeper for patience. This is the hardest stage for both the MLCer and the LBS.

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (New)

Also, check out Westo's threads. She and her h have successfully reconnected and back together.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Job - Thanks for the link. I will spend some time reading the posts. And thanks for the reminder to be patient. H has expressed on numerous occassions how he wants to pick up and start fresh with me somewhere else. I keep reminding him that it would not work. I think he would like to sweep it all under the rug, but I need to stay strong to ensure my old self does not rear it's ugly head - the one that loves to sweep difficult things under the rug. My new confident and open self wants to start tackling the issues right now, but I will head your advice as I see the value in it. I believe my journey brought me to this time, and has provided me the strength to in fact stay strong. I will wait for H to reach out, and provide support when appropriate.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

Keep digging deep for patience. And yes, do not sweep things under the rug. Remember, there is a time for everything, you must wait until it is time to discuss things. Good on you for realizing your desire to tackle things now and the wisdom to wait.

Originally Posted by Grace21
H has expressed on numerous occassions how he wants to pick up and start fresh with me somewhere else. I keep reminding him that it would not work.

Maybe just validate and don’t tell him what won’t work. Hopes and dreams are powerful fuel and perhaps H could use some right now. Not leading him along or anything, just not crushing a fledgling hope. Reinforce the fresh start, second chance idea; and more ignore the somewhere else part.

You know the power of hope and imagination.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Originally Posted by DnJ
Remember, there is a time for everything, you must wait until it is time to discuss things. Good on you for realizing your desire to tackle things now and the wisdom to wait.


I see the value of this, and am practicing it regularly. I of course find myself slipping once in a while, but I know that each step must take place before the next one can be taken. H I believe is starting to see this too. It's, of course, much more difficult for him, as he is trying to learn a totally new way of thinking, erasing a life time of a mindset that never made him happy.


Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Grace21
H has expressed on numerous occassions how he wants to pick up and start fresh with me somewhere else. I keep reminding him that it would not work.

Maybe just validate and don’t tell him what won’t work. Hopes and dreams are powerful fuel and perhaps H could use some right now. Not leading him along or anything, just not crushing a fledgling hope. Reinforce the fresh start, second chance idea; and more ignore the somewhere else part.


I had another opportunity to do just that yesterday. He once again in an email expressed his desire to start fresh somewhere else, but he did say he realizes that it is the "cart before the horse". I said that I often dream about living at least part time elsewhere, and there's lots of places on my list, and that I could see the "value of it when the time is right.".

So, lots of free-thought exchanges going on.

The move is imminent. He just is mustering up the courage to tell her. He fears the fall-out.

I continue to live one day at a time.

Living a life that's good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning Grace

It’s nice to hear that H realizes the “cart before the horse” too.

I’m pretty sure H fear the fall out from OW. He needs to take this step. To find the courage, to break up with OW. Breaking up isn’t easy or pretty; yeah facing his fears and overcoming them.

S22 will hopefully find employment, soon. Something in his field of study would be great. However, a short term stepping stone job, or jobs, is excellent while getting to the career path.

It took me three years after university to get to this career path. Life is strange and has many twists and turns which usually end up being for the best. Well, I suppose when we make/approach the deviations that way, it affects the outcome favourably. smile

Good to see D20 doing well. She has an excellent role model. Her self confidence will grow, keep nurturing it, support, encourage, and uplift. It does take time, and a patience mentor. smile

A technician of mine had a lack of confidence. It’s taken a year, guidance, goals, achievements, setbacks, and challenges that pushed him out of his comfort zone. Forced him to push passed his self imposed limitations. He is becoming one of my best technicians.

People just have to believe in themselves. A patient mentor turns those negative inner voices slowly into positive ones. And beliefs take time to alter and strengthen. Your kids are lucky to have you.

Live, and believe, the good life my dear friend.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
I'd add to that that H will be far better off, actually NEEDS for OW to go through the rage and anger and grief, to understand that he can face it and live through it. Not only because your response to his betrayal and her response to his not-betrayal-because-the-whole-thing-was-built-on-sand-and-wrong will be so very different, though that will also be clear. But because he has to learn to face the consequences, feel remorse, see the impact his actions have on others, survive the pain, grow from the pain. There is no way for that to go smoothly, and there shouldn't be a way for that to go smoothly. The ugliness needs to be totally exposed, all the sand washed away in the hurricane, before he can ever try to build his house again on the rock.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
What Gerda wrote is so very true. This way they learn not to have another affair. If you rescue/excuse it softens the blow.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Time for a bit of an update, and a turn in my path.

H left OW. The process started about a week ago in earnest with a big blow-up, his telling her he was leaving, and hours and hours of fighting a discussion. Preparations started prior to that. He was looking for a 3 – 4 hour window where she would be gone, but it happened a few nights ago. Cops involved and all.

It unfolded exactly as I thought it would. She causing an altercation where she faked an injury. She calling the cops, saying he had a gun. Well, yes, but it was locked up in his safe on another floor. He has a permit for it. Cops came, guns drawn, H temporarily handcuffed. After discussion, the cops stayed while H got his stuff, and even helped carry a few boxes. No charges filed, of course. He is now living 1 mile away in a friend’s home (a very, very nice one, I might add).

H told me she tried to contact him 141 times from 8 pm until sometime that next morning. Crazy stuff. Too much drama for me.

So, a new phase has begun. For H, for me, for our family.

H and D20 have an appointment in 3 weeks with a LMFT. They both have met her, both like her. I accompanied D20, and I liked her too. I’m hopeful she will help us all navigate the exploration of a new relationship amongst us all. D20 is very, very guarded. I understand that their reconciliation may impact our reconciliation. I’m trying not to interfere in D20’s decisions to meet with him. I was disappointed she chose to wait 3 weeks because she still in not sure she wants to see him again. I want it to happen NOW! But, I say nothing.

H phoned me while driving from his condo to our friends home. Perhaps anxious for me to know he finally did it. Perhaps just needed someone to talk to. Considers me a friend, perhaps.

His expressions of reconciling are still voiced. He understands my wariness. He understands it is daunting. He understands that a lot of work needs to be done. When we discussed how he was needing to get his most important things out of the condo prior to leaving, he said “including my wedding ring”.

I thought that was interesting. A message for me, I guess.

He wants to meet soon. For a meal, whatever. I told him there is a lot of difficult things we will need to talk about and discuss, but the heavy stuff can be left for another time.

I’m uncertain how to navigate this. Perhaps that is the crux of my problem – thinking about how to navigate an unknown. I need to remind myself to let this unfold on it’s own accord.

I’m doubting his ability to stay the course. I’m doubting his ability to stay away from women while we are trying to work on our marriage. History has a tendency to repeat itself. However, H reminds me he wants to be a new, better person. He’s in his 6th month of therapy. I’m also anxious about his reconciliation with our daughter and how that plays into our potential reconciliation.

Fears. That recurring theme. I don’t want it to interfere in what might be. What plans God has for me.

For now, I need to just be. Live my life as I have been. Take care of my kids. Get together with my friends. And allow H to contact me. The urge to talk to him, see him, is strong. But, he needs to do the heavy lifting for a while, and I need to continue on with my joyful and peaceful life.

Perhaps sharing a meal with just light-hearted conversation and a few laughs might be just what we both need right now.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I will be looking to advice from my wise friends here as this journey continues.


Life continues to be good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

Wow.

The break up happened. With all the trimmings - cops, fake injuries, guilt, everything out in the open. And all the crazy stuff, 141 attempts to contact him.

You are wise to be wary. There are many issues that H needs to prove he has worked on. Demonstrated consistent long term behaviour.

It’s pretty normal to be uncertain how to navigate - it’s all unknown. Don’t try to manipulate. Let go, it will unfold on its own.

Let go the fear. H is still in God’s hands. Let Him work.

You keep living your peaceful life. Shine and continue moving forward.

H and OW just broke up. That will take some time to purge, for the dust to settle. Breaking up is hard to do. I hope H stays the course.

I would suggest that when H reaches out, you talk to him. Give him that nice soft place to land. He is going to be beating himself up, and all over place. You will have time to discuss those topics that need discussion, later on. Be patient. Remember the path you are on. The goal.

To be clear, I am saying cordial, friendly, non threatening, non judgemental, emotionally supportive safe place to land. Nothing more until he is well progressing. Yes, to light hearted conversations over a meal.

As you said, just live your life. He’s got some heavy lifting to do. Let him.

You haven’t place boulders in the path. It’s up to him.

It will be interesting to see H and D20 interact. I hope it goes well. There is another bunch of heavy lifting for him.

Have faith Grace. Especially in yourself. You got this.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
God is definately working on my H.

H reaching out to my pastor, whose # I had given to him about 3 weeks ago, to go with him to get the last of his things yesterday.

God figuratively and literally brings H to his knees. While moving out the last of his things, he blew a knee, and ended up in the ER. He had no one to call for help, except me.

I helped.

D20 wanting to go to the hospital with us. She has seen him once since July, and that was a few weeks ago when she really let him have it at her therapist. S22 pointed out to me later that it was the first time the 4 of us have been together since their birthday dinner last July. Interesting he noted that.

Last night's dinner out was obviously a no-go, but I picked up sushi (yes, he paid), we shared a meal and wine where he is staying, and talked for 4 hours. Some of it light, some of it deep.

For those just starting this journey, looking for reasons why someone you love would do what they do, listen to the wise people here when they say they are running. It's true.

H said those exact words. I asked him what he was running from. He said his guilt and shame. He couldn't face me, and thought OW would be enough to forget. He now realizes that no amount of life-rafts can allow him to escape himself.

Today's sermon was about conflict. How it can be disasterous to avoid dealing with difficult things out of fear or pride. Another intervention from God. Our marriage was almost totally conflict free. My pastor reminded us today that God is a God of reconciliation, whether it be with our spouse, friends, co-workers, or neighbors. He encouraged us to start a dialogue with someone that we are in conflict with.

Our dialogue has started, and we will see where it leads.

God is the light, and I am allowing it to shine within me. I feel the warmth, like loving arms wrapped around me.

H wants the warmth, and is inching closer in to see what the light holds.

God is good.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Grace,

God is definitely shining the light on you and your family. I'm glad your h has reached out to your pastor. Things are looking very positive and I'm very glad for this. Continue as you have been. What you are doing is working.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Grace21
For those just starting this journey, looking for reasons why someone you love would do what they do, listen to the wise people here when they say they are running. It's true.

H said those exact words. I asked him what he was running from. He said his guilt and shame. He couldn't face me, and thought OW would be enough to forget. He now realizes that no amount of life-rafts can allow him to escape himself.


Thank you for sharing this, Grace. It does bring me a little comfort. Every time I find myself uncomfortable that, while he is still living here, my H can still blame me for his anger or unhappiness, I try to remember I can’t do anything to change how he feels, and it’s not my place to do that anyway; he really does need to want to look more deeply to understand what is going on, to realize that he can’t escape himself, and that will be on his own timeline. I have to repeat: he is not running from me, I am not the source of all problems, because so often it does feel like that!

Wishing you continued joy and peace.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

I am very happy for you and your family.

You are doing so very well, and yes there is light shinning upon you and your’s, and within you.

Do what you’ve be doing. Your situation is having most interesting developments.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
I went over to H's place yesterday. We cooked a meal, shared a bottle of wine, talked, and watched a show together. It was nice. While watching the show on his laptop, we had to sit close together. I found myself disappointed he didn't reach out to touch me in any way. I was craving that little bit of physical contact. I rubbed his back for a few seconds. He said "it's just like old times, isn't it?".

It was. We have always been good companions. We have an easy way about doing everyday things, and always enjoyed sitting on the couch together watching a show in the evenings. Up untill the day he left almost 2 years ago.

We talked a bit about how to move forward. He said that maybe we could benefit from seeing his therapist together since she knows him so well. I agreed it would be beneficial, and maybe even an important step to navigate some of the difficult things I know must be discussed. He will talk to her about it on Thursday.

I was telling him about some of the home chores - yard, etc, and he said "you can always ask me for help if you need to".

He is slowly coming back to life.

We have both been careful to say things about reconciliation in a "not sure thing" way. Sort of like leaving the door open that we might not be able to make it work. It's hard to express, but got me thinking.

If we have decided to explore reconciliation, why not act "as if" it's a done deal? If we both provided what each other needs every day, why wouldn't it work? Seems to me you make a commitment, than do what needs to be done to meet that commitement.

Something to explore with H at some point.

I do see changes. Good ones. My biggest obstacle is the infidelities, the seeming ease with which he could carry on a double life. The ease in lying. I think that's the big thing I need to deal with so it can be buried.

Last night H talked about eventually having a fresh start. About trips he would like to take with me, with our friends. That perhaps we could even do it soon.

I need to let my guard down a bit and just "be". See where this takes us. Enjoy his company without expectations or over thinking it.

We are suppose to get together again tomorrow. I asked him to plan something.

One step in front of the other.

One day at a time.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

It is wonderful to see the progress in your situation.

Originally Posted by Grace21
If we have decided to explore reconciliation, why not act "as if" it's a done deal? If we both provided what each other needs every day, why wouldn't it work? Seems to me you make a commitment, than do what needs to be done to meet that commitement.

Something to explore with H at some point.

Yes, if each of you work towards reconciliation it will work.

However, a few things to consider/remember:

H is still like a timid squirrel. Keep the pressure low, very low. It will take 1 or 2 years for him to feel like himself again; to feel comfortable in his own skin. He will have set backs; don’t focus upon those, keep moving forward with compassion.

Act as if, a bit. Follow H’s lead. He is still upon his path and his healing is still about him. Yes, his and your paths are now intertwined, let him find the commitment to you and his healthy view point. Dig for patience, and keep those questions and conversations at bay for a while longer.

“If we both provided what each other needs every day...” - What a person truly needs comes from within, not from someone else. That is the lesson H hopeful has learnt during his running.

You both find your needs from within. You both provide the wants for each other. Then it will work out and last.

Originally Posted by Grace21
I do see changes. Good ones. My biggest obstacle is the infidelities, the seeming ease with which he could carry on a double life. The ease in lying. I think that's the big thing I need to deal with so it can be buried.

There are really good changes happening.

Yes the infidelities and the ease of lying will, at some point, get discussed. That is not now. He is just weeks into sitting on the couch with you and watching TV together. Be patient. Don’t let your emotions push you too far ahead. You want H to progress slowly so he doesn’t skip over stuff, or he will cycle back - and you don’t want that. It’s really good if this goes slow. I know, it will feel maddeningly slow, you can do this.

Those items are big things to deal with. However, imagine in 10 years from now, they won’t be all that big, would they? Perspective and feelings. You won’t sweep this under the rug, and you won’t make it bigger than it is. It does require timing however.

“I need to deal with so it can be buried” - Don’t bury it. Nor ignore it. In time, talk about it in full light. Buried things have a way of haunting us. In the light it will lose its power, and you can accept and forgive. That’s more your path Grace.

In what will feel most unfair, you have the bigger share in this at the moment. You need to lead the way, being a beacon. Holding your tongue, having faith in the process, and realizing the time for discussing all the things is coming. Dig deep my friend. You are still the prize, and your path is still paramount. H has turned and is walking your way - keep leading.

One step in front of the other, and one day at a time. Indeed.

Enjoy the time together and the company. This is a new relationship you are creating; like dating. Don’t bring all the heavy talks on the first dates. smile You are doing just fine.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Everything I was thinking as I read your post, DnJ said in his post. Harmony of vision between him and moi, as ever. Listen to his wise words. Tell yourself you will be silent about all that stuff til Christmas and try not to get into all the deep stuff until he has baked some more. Let him come to you, let him court you. I would even suggest you not see him two days in a row. Not to play games, I mean for you, to force yourself to keep being that wise, strong, independent, happy-on-her-own-woman you've been cultivating in your own beautiful flower garden.

XO Gracie.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
DnJ,

Thanks for your insight and reminders to take it slow – very slow. I can see how easy my old self, the decisive fix-it self is trying to sneak in, and how detrimental it can be to the entire healing process, for H, me, us. I started reading Westo’s thread beginning about the time her H moved back home. From the few pages so far, I think it will be helpful to validate my feelings, and get insight on how to navigate this new road I am on.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Keep the pressure low, very low. It will take 1 or 2 years for him to feel like himself again; to feel comfortable in his own skin. He will have set backs; don’t focus upon those, keep moving forward with compassion.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Enjoy the time together and the company. This is a new relationship you are creating; like dating. Don’t bring all the heavy talks on the first dates.


I will do exactly that – enjoy our time together, but no pressure or R talks. H picked me up for lunch today. We had a nice time. Went back to his place afterwards and watched a few episodes of a new season of a series we had watched together. I did not bring up anything heavy or R related at all. He made a comment about his emotional state, and I just said that I wanted him to know he can take all the time he needs to work through things. Things are obviously weighing very heavy on his mind. While watching our program, he said he really had missed me, missed hanging out like we were. I said I did too. He said, “ok. Good.” That was it.

It was a nice day. I will wait for him to contact me again.

I’m glad I didn’t try to draw the conversation to anything heavy. I certainly don’t want him to avoid me because he thinks that I plan to grill him every time we get together. The urge is a bit strong sometimes, I won’t lie. But I will persevere.

Gerda, my friend. Thanks for stopping by. I understand why you would advise me to perhaps take some time between visits to reinforce the strides I have made for myself. I will do that this week. Work, my gym, bible study, chatting on the phone with girlfriends, having meals with my kids, snuggling with my cat, and enjoying my backyard wildlife are all I need for the next several days. This weekend I saw a bobcat, and a deer comes sometimes twice a day to see if the squirrels left any corn for her.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
So it’s been about 6 weeks (maybe more, as I don’t remember the date nor do I care about that) since H has left OW.

Much has occurred.
Much has been shared.

It is obvious to me that H has made some significant revelations about himself, what is important in life, and how he wants to live the rest of his life. He is taking a peek at Christ, and seeing what He is all about. HE is working on H very purposefully.

H is morphing into a new person.

I like it.

He hired an attorney to take care of the condo mess. A day after OW filed a restraining order against him. Papers were served a week and a half later by the cops at our home. He doesn’t live here, so the kids had to address it and redirect them to where he is living. H had 2 days to secure an attorney and prepare before court. It was a pure retaliation move, she had no representation, and she wasn’t prepared for the 100+ pages presented by H’s attorney of messages she sent H in the aftermath. Crazy stuff, including things like “if you come back, I won’t file any charges”.

It was thrown out of course, and was only a momentary irritation.

H and I have spent quite a bit of time together. Hanging out, sharing meals, and talking, talking, talking. He has joined me at church 3 times. Today we both felt like the message was meant for us. Quite remarkable.

We have agreed to put 100% (he said 110%) into full reconciliation.

I believe it will be so. H has said he believes it will be so.

I have no illusions that this will be an easy road. But we are both so very hopeful.


D21 has a lot to deal with, and seems to be looking for things to attack on. I truly believe she is looking for things to blame for her depression and anxiety, which are completely unrelated to her dad. We have discussed this, and she may be ready for a more intensive program.

We are starting the transition to H moving home, probably at the end of the month. I am paving the way for D21 especially, so she has the space and freedom to interact with her dad, and the family, as she feels comfortable doing so. We have a large unused space that we are making into her office/retreat. I am giving her full choice in when/how she interacts with her dad, with the only stipulation that she is polite at the very least. We spent the entire day last week celebrating the kids birthday as a family. It was really nice. H was here for a meal today, which was also pleasant. Baby steps.

I admitted to H that I am a bit nervous about him coming home. Not just for us, but the whole family dynamic. I will not fight normal feelings, and will just take one day at a time. Our get-togethers have been comfortable, and we have been very open in our discussions, which is freeing and encouraging. H has a lot of baggage that he is still unpacking, but I believe God has us on a good path right now. HE spoke to us during services today, and H listened. H suggested we start marriage counseling, and we will probably do so soon. I think we will need the relationship with a therapist during this reconnection phase especially. Lots of the past needs to be dealt with and out in the open so it can’t have control over either of us any more. Best to do it with a referee. And slowly, slowly, slowly.

I am peaceful and hopeful. I remain the beacon of light for my family. God showers us with his blessings, for which I am so thankful. He will see us along the bumpy path, and continue to pick us up when we stumble.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Grace, what a wonderful update.

Walk in the light. Continue to be the safe place for H to land. Shine as a beacon to H, your family, and others.

Non-judgemental and compassionate. Forgiving and accepting. H will be his own harshest critic. He will seek to make restitution for his actions, in time.

You are doing great. Dig for patience and follow God.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Grace,

What wonderful news! This will be a brand new marriage and you and your h have changed so much since he walked out. Try to be very patient as he is going to still be a bit emotionally fragile for quite some time.

You are doing great! Dig deeper for patience.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Really happy to hear how things have been going for you Grace!! Your H is very lucky you hung in there. OW sounds like a nightmare!! Hopefully time will help and she will eventually just go away. Hope your new marriage is ten times better than your old one. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Thanks DnJ, Job, and Deja for your support and encouragement. I will continue to need it as I navigate these new waters. I'm not afraid of the journey ahead, but find myself feeling short moments of anxiety. I try to stay in the present.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Non-judgemental and compassionate.


I've got the compassion down, but judement is agressive in trying to take a foothold. I am resisting, and know that as things unfold, and more openess prevails, it may become more agressive. I will persevere in overcoming it.


Originally Posted by DnJ
H will be his own harshest critic. He will seek to make restitution for his actions, in time.


I am a bit concerned about this, as he has said on more than a few occassions that he will have to live with the guilt and shame the rest of his life. I have told him he doesn't, but he will need to find that out himself. If he doesn't release it, I fear that he will revert to the person he was running from in the first place. I know that I have absolutely no control over this, and will have to let him figure it out.


Originally Posted by job
What wonderful news! This will be a brand new marriage and you and your h have changed so much since he walked out. Try to be very patient as he is going to still be a bit emotionally fragile for quite some time.


The potential for newness is exciting, and so far our interactions encouraging. He is present, listens, and we both are feeling free to express ourselves truthfully. I do find myself inpatient for dealing with some of the past, and am unsure how to nagivate that - including discussing things I'm not sure he knows that I know. I'm digging for patience in waiting for instructions from God. That's probably the best way to go for now.


Deja - we came to this board about the same time. Our journeys are different, but the same in some ways too. How far we have come!

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Your H is very lucky you hung in there.


Yes, he is!

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
OW sounds like a nightmare!!


Yes, she is. She is coniving and mean. H knew some of this before he even moved in with her. I hope H will work through what compelled him to hang on to something that made him so very unhappy. He has mentioned his running from his guilt, shame, and self, and thought starting with a clean slate would help. He realized it made him feel worse.

But I realize she is a very broken person, and don't wish her ill will. I have prayed for her from time to time, but just try not to think about her too much. Seems the best way going forward.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
I've got the compassion down, but judement is agressive in trying to take a foothold. I am resisting, and know that as things unfold, and more openess prevails, it may become more agressive. I will persevere in overcoming it.

I do empathize with those judgemental feelings. I credit S21’s GF for my eventual shift in my perception. Of course I did have a hand in it - it is my head after all. smile Anyhow, she mentioned how she was taught that only God is wise enough to be able to judge someone. It took me several weeks to find my way to see that and let go my ingrained attitudes. And a lot of peace and forgiveness followed.

In matters of the soul and morals, who are we to judge. There is so much hidden information that we do not know. Even our MLCer spouse doesn’t know their own information. Only God can see all.

I do want to share that for me, it wasn’t so much resisting and overcoming, it was accepting it. Accepting that I was judging her. Like “overcoming” fear is not done by the direct approach, we more come at it sideways.

Fighting begets fighting. Resisting begets resisting. Accepting begets ...

We accept and we change.

I do love following your journey. The little moments of anxiety are normal, and a good thing IMHO. You are doing an excellent job of navigating these new waters.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
I'm pretty locked into judging right now.. not so much on the accepting. there are moments coming in which are filled with fierce compassion but very intermittent. I suspect over time it will shift. time, the great healer.

Grace given everything, I'd say you're doing marvelously well, and agree with D that the anxious moments are normal. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
Time for a bit of an update.

H has been home for a few weeks now. We try to spend as much time together as possible while juggling work, 2 adult kids in the home with their own issues, and other life activities. I continue to engage with my friends, bible study, and other GAL activities. H is attentive, present when we are together, talks a lot about plans for the future, and feels confident about our future together. He is planning a get-away for my birthday next week. It will be nice to be out of the house and just the two of us. We need it.

I stay committed to the process, but reserved about the outcome. Lots of issues he still must overcome. I see them peek out, and I don’t think he even notices it himself.

H is testing the waters of Christianity. He comes to church with me every Sunday, and seems to be engaged in the teachings. We discuss them sometimes. I don’t pressure him to come, he just gets ready to go and does. He never did this in the 29 years of marriage.

H continues in individual therapy, and we have started couples therapy. Luckily we both feel very positive about our MC. I have been open and vocal about addressing issues as they arise, and he has too. One instance with our daughter left me crying my eyes out. We talked it all out, and that really was a first for us. We both felt heard and validated.

I enjoy his company. He says he enjoys mine. We have always been good companions. It’s hard to not say every little thing on my mind. Hard to not address some big issues, too. Timing seems to be so important. I told him when he moved back that I wanted our home to be a sanctuary, and the tough stuff can be brought up at counseling. He agreed. I sometimes regret those words, and I want to address it NOW.

But, as I know from these boards, H is still fragile, and I will have to sometimes suck it up, well, maybe not sometimes but a lot, and wait for better moments to address the past and some of his current struggles, some of which he doesn’t know I know about. We really haven’t started that process yet.

H still has demons attacking him. I can feel it. He will need to dig deep, very deep, to overcome their draw. He has quite a ways to go yet. But his desire for a happier, more fulfilling life, is also strong. He has said so. I can strongly sense he wants it to be so. I try not to doubt what I know God can do for people. But I also know H has free choice, and ultimately it will be what he chooses.

I am taking one day at a time. I have no idea what our future holds, but I can see it with H. We just need to heal. I don’t know what that looks like, but am willing to see where this next stage of my journey takes me.

I took a break from writing this, and found the old post on piecing that I downloaded quite a while back. I read a bit, and realized I need to give it a good read, from beginning to end. I’m only a few weeks in, and can feel my impatience already. I need to regroup, and remember that this will take time. Lots and lots of time.

But, time I have, and for now,

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning Grace

It is wonderful to hear from you. And with such interesting and exciting developments.

H is living at home, attending church, going to therapy, talking, and even planning a birthday getaway. Wow!

I can understand your being reserved about all this. Yes, H is still a fragile person. Barely out of the darkness, and getting used to living within his own skin. This takes about 18 months; don’t set a stop watch though, it will take what it takes. But of course, you know that. smile

Originally Posted by Grace21
as I know from these boards, H is still fragile, and I will have to sometimes suck it up, well, maybe not sometimes but a lot, and wait for better moments to address the past and some of his current struggles, some of which he doesn’t know I know about. We really haven’t started that process yet.

You are correct.

Continue to bite your tongue. Dig really deep for patience. The time for addressing and discussing will come.

Some things others have posted from reconciled and beyond MLC. Those items that are so seemly important right now, do loose their priority and their need to be discussed as time progresses. A new R is being created and lived. Some of the old issues will be left by the wayside, and that is perfectly fine.

Imagine in 5 years from now, or 10, what is currently so pressing to get answered will not even matter. Perspective helps keep patience. Answers will come, no need to push for them. H will offer and speak about things, in time. He needs too, it releases his guilt. Continue to be the safe place for him. You have always done such an excellent job of not placing boulders in his path.

I think H has a very difficult year ahead of him. As he faces more and more of what he has done, and what he was running from, there will be feelings stirred. After running, there is depression, withdrawal, and finally acceptance. From what I’ve read, the stage of withdrawal is truly life altering. Lots of internal reflection and progressing before the final shedding into acceptance. This is a little bit in the future however.

I totally empathize with your rising feelings of impatience. And I have much faith in you. You are an amazing women, with much hard earned wisdom. Truly, a woman only a fool would leave. Remain calm, gentle, and peaceful; life is good.

I agree completely with you. God is working on your H. Remain patient, there is a timeline - it’s just not your’s.

We need to remember to allow God to work within us too. His message is all around. And I know you have heard it as well.

I am curious. Do you forgive H?

Bless you Grace. You are doing amazing.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Sounds like things are going well Grace. So happy for you!!! (((HUGS)))

Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
I was away for a few days visiting my parents. Coming home to H and my family felt so good. I missed him. He missed me. Not just because he said so multiple times, but he showed it. It was nice.

While I was away, something was on my mind about H. It was festering, and I knew it could potentially be a difficult topic to discuss with H. I was fearful of how he would respond. I bebated about waiting until our next MC session. I was filled with such anxiety about it, so I decided to broach it over an early morning phone call. We disussed it at length, and I was so glad we did. We really seem to be able to communicate in a way we never did before, and both of us finished the convo feeling good about it. It left me also feeling hopeful about the direction all of this is going.


Originally Posted by DnJ
I am curious. Do you forgive H?


Your timing of this question was amazing, DnJ. My podcast the day you posted it was on forgiveness, and how it doesn’t mean you give a free pass to someone.

But to answer your question, I forgave H long ago. It was necessary to get to where I am today. I could not have healed if I was still carrying that burden, and H and I certainly couldn’t have started the process of reconciliation if I have not yet forgiven him. I would be blocked from addressing important issues in a healing, productive way. I would be filled with anxiety and resentment. I would be unhappy, feeling unsettled. Forgiveness opened the door to let all of that go. When anxiety or doubt do rear their ugly head, I wonder sometimes if I have truly forgiven him. I believe I have, and that those thoughts could very well be satan’s attacks to try to interfere with true reconciliation. I believe God’s will is what will prevail. HE has allowed me to forgive to open the door for whatever HE has in store for me, and my marriage.

H and I in the short 3 weeks he has been home have addressed a few very difficult things, and we navigated it, IMO, lovingly, with understanding, and coming out both feeling validated and heard. It’s amazing that in this short time, we have probably had more emotional intimacy than the previous 29 years.

We have a ways to go for sure, and H has a ways to go individually. The road will be bumpy without a doubt. Only God knows where I will be in 1, 3 or 5 years. But I’m ready for the journey.

I continue to be uplifted by the friendship with, and the concern and advice from, the wise people on this board that have navigated this journey before me.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
Grace ~ I am so happy for you and truly inspired by how you have handled yourself throughout your situation. I’m cheering for you and am so impressed with the restraint you show to move things along faster. Keep doing you...it’s working.

Life is good!

(((Grace)))

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning Grace

You summed it up the healing, freeing, power of forgiveness very well. And yes, forgiveness is not a free pass.

It is wonderful to read your views and beliefs, they shine bright.

Remain patient and continue slowly.

Have a great day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Happy for ya, Gracie. smile Thinking/praying for you. Did you see Justin B and Chance the R's new song, "Holy"? Thought of you when I saw the video.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
G
Grace21 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 657
My dear friend, Gerda, checked in on me yesterday (thanks, Gerda!!), and I got to thinking a lot about all my friends here.-

Too much has happened to post here, but, let me say this. LIFE IS GOOD!

God is good. He saw me through an incredible journey of self discovery and healing. HE works through us here on earth, and brought me to this place of wise counsel that helped me through a tough time. The people here are wise, and helped me in ways I can't even explain.

Believe me when I say that modern day miracles take place every day, and I am witness to that. I see the tough journey my H has gone through, of self-discover, understanding, dealing with guilt and shame, and yes, even healing. God is pursuing him hard, and H is reaching out towards HIS fingertips.

H has been home almost 8 months now. Our marriage is new, fresh. H is present, transparant. We connect on a level now that we never did in probably most of our marriage. We will celebrate 30 years is May.

We are hopeful.

I do not know what life holds. But what I do know is that my journey brought me to a place where I know, deep down, that I am going to be great no matter what. I am living out my life the way I have chosen.

A life of forgiveness.

A life of peace.

A life of joy.

A life filled with miracles both small and large every day.


Life continues to be good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Grace

It is wonderful to hear from you. I am so very happy to see your great life unfolding.

Miracles and blessings truly surround to those who not blind themselves to them. Your testament and witness to miracles and God’s power is most inspiring.

Originally Posted by Grace21
We are hopeful.

From the wellspring of hope and possibilities comes forgiveness, peace, joy, and so many other miraculous and powerful tenets.

Life is indeed good.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 403
Likes: 38
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 403
Likes: 38
Dear Grace,

No idea why but when I came across your story today something in me said to read it fully which I did.

Like many stories here on this forum, I see many similarities with my current situation, which was also the case with your story. To be honest, even a little more than with the other stories.

I have learned a lot from it and will therefore probably come back once and awhile to gain some info on how to deal with specific situations.

I wish you a lot of success in your life and with your family!


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard