Remember, there is a time for everything, you must wait until it is time to discuss things. Good on you for realizing your desire to tackle things now and the wisdom to wait.
I see the value of this, and am practicing it regularly. I of course find myself slipping once in a while, but I know that each step must take place before the next one can be taken. H I believe is starting to see this too. It's, of course, much more difficult for him, as he is trying to learn a totally new way of thinking, erasing a life time of a mindset that never made him happy.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Grace21
H has expressed on numerous occassions how he wants to pick up and start fresh with me somewhere else. I keep reminding him that it would not work.
Maybe just validate and don’t tell him what won’t work. Hopes and dreams are powerful fuel and perhaps H could use some right now. Not leading him along or anything, just not crushing a fledgling hope. Reinforce the fresh start, second chance idea; and more ignore the somewhere else part.
I had another opportunity to do just that yesterday. He once again in an email expressed his desire to start fresh somewhere else, but he did say he realizes that it is the "cart before the horse". I said that I often dream about living at least part time elsewhere, and there's lots of places on my list, and that I could see the "value of it when the time is right.".
So, lots of free-thought exchanges going on.
The move is imminent. He just is mustering up the courage to tell her. He fears the fall-out.
It’s nice to hear that H realizes the “cart before the horse” too.
I’m pretty sure H fear the fall out from OW. He needs to take this step. To find the courage, to break up with OW. Breaking up isn’t easy or pretty; yeah facing his fears and overcoming them.
S22 will hopefully find employment, soon. Something in his field of study would be great. However, a short term stepping stone job, or jobs, is excellent while getting to the career path.
It took me three years after university to get to this career path. Life is strange and has many twists and turns which usually end up being for the best. Well, I suppose when we make/approach the deviations that way, it affects the outcome favourably.
Good to see D20 doing well. She has an excellent role model. Her self confidence will grow, keep nurturing it, support, encourage, and uplift. It does take time, and a patience mentor.
A technician of mine had a lack of confidence. It’s taken a year, guidance, goals, achievements, setbacks, and challenges that pushed him out of his comfort zone. Forced him to push passed his self imposed limitations. He is becoming one of my best technicians.
People just have to believe in themselves. A patient mentor turns those negative inner voices slowly into positive ones. And beliefs take time to alter and strengthen. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Live, and believe, the good life my dear friend.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'd add to that that H will be far better off, actually NEEDS for OW to go through the rage and anger and grief, to understand that he can face it and live through it. Not only because your response to his betrayal and her response to his not-betrayal-because-the-whole-thing-was-built-on-sand-and-wrong will be so very different, though that will also be clear. But because he has to learn to face the consequences, feel remorse, see the impact his actions have on others, survive the pain, grow from the pain. There is no way for that to go smoothly, and there shouldn't be a way for that to go smoothly. The ugliness needs to be totally exposed, all the sand washed away in the hurricane, before he can ever try to build his house again on the rock.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
What Gerda wrote is so very true. This way they learn not to have another affair. If you rescue/excuse it softens the blow.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Time for a bit of an update, and a turn in my path.
H left OW. The process started about a week ago in earnest with a big blow-up, his telling her he was leaving, and hours and hours of fighting a discussion. Preparations started prior to that. He was looking for a 3 – 4 hour window where she would be gone, but it happened a few nights ago. Cops involved and all.
It unfolded exactly as I thought it would. She causing an altercation where she faked an injury. She calling the cops, saying he had a gun. Well, yes, but it was locked up in his safe on another floor. He has a permit for it. Cops came, guns drawn, H temporarily handcuffed. After discussion, the cops stayed while H got his stuff, and even helped carry a few boxes. No charges filed, of course. He is now living 1 mile away in a friend’s home (a very, very nice one, I might add).
H told me she tried to contact him 141 times from 8 pm until sometime that next morning. Crazy stuff. Too much drama for me.
So, a new phase has begun. For H, for me, for our family.
H and D20 have an appointment in 3 weeks with a LMFT. They both have met her, both like her. I accompanied D20, and I liked her too. I’m hopeful she will help us all navigate the exploration of a new relationship amongst us all. D20 is very, very guarded. I understand that their reconciliation may impact our reconciliation. I’m trying not to interfere in D20’s decisions to meet with him. I was disappointed she chose to wait 3 weeks because she still in not sure she wants to see him again. I want it to happen NOW! But, I say nothing.
H phoned me while driving from his condo to our friends home. Perhaps anxious for me to know he finally did it. Perhaps just needed someone to talk to. Considers me a friend, perhaps.
His expressions of reconciling are still voiced. He understands my wariness. He understands it is daunting. He understands that a lot of work needs to be done. When we discussed how he was needing to get his most important things out of the condo prior to leaving, he said “including my wedding ring”.
I thought that was interesting. A message for me, I guess.
He wants to meet soon. For a meal, whatever. I told him there is a lot of difficult things we will need to talk about and discuss, but the heavy stuff can be left for another time.
I’m uncertain how to navigate this. Perhaps that is the crux of my problem – thinking about how to navigate an unknown. I need to remind myself to let this unfold on it’s own accord.
I’m doubting his ability to stay the course. I’m doubting his ability to stay away from women while we are trying to work on our marriage. History has a tendency to repeat itself. However, H reminds me he wants to be a new, better person. He’s in his 6th month of therapy. I’m also anxious about his reconciliation with our daughter and how that plays into our potential reconciliation.
Fears. That recurring theme. I don’t want it to interfere in what might be. What plans God has for me.
For now, I need to just be. Live my life as I have been. Take care of my kids. Get together with my friends. And allow H to contact me. The urge to talk to him, see him, is strong. But, he needs to do the heavy lifting for a while, and I need to continue on with my joyful and peaceful life.
Perhaps sharing a meal with just light-hearted conversation and a few laughs might be just what we both need right now.
Nothing more, nothing less.
I will be looking to advice from my wise friends here as this journey continues.
The break up happened. With all the trimmings - cops, fake injuries, guilt, everything out in the open. And all the crazy stuff, 141 attempts to contact him.
You are wise to be wary. There are many issues that H needs to prove he has worked on. Demonstrated consistent long term behaviour.
It’s pretty normal to be uncertain how to navigate - it’s all unknown. Don’t try to manipulate. Let go, it will unfold on its own.
Let go the fear. H is still in God’s hands. Let Him work.
You keep living your peaceful life. Shine and continue moving forward.
H and OW just broke up. That will take some time to purge, for the dust to settle. Breaking up is hard to do. I hope H stays the course.
I would suggest that when H reaches out, you talk to him. Give him that nice soft place to land. He is going to be beating himself up, and all over place. You will have time to discuss those topics that need discussion, later on. Be patient. Remember the path you are on. The goal.
To be clear, I am saying cordial, friendly, non threatening, non judgemental, emotionally supportive safe place to land. Nothing more until he is well progressing. Yes, to light hearted conversations over a meal.
As you said, just live your life. He’s got some heavy lifting to do. Let him.
You haven’t place boulders in the path. It’s up to him.
It will be interesting to see H and D20 interact. I hope it goes well. There is another bunch of heavy lifting for him.
Have faith Grace. Especially in yourself. You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
H reaching out to my pastor, whose # I had given to him about 3 weeks ago, to go with him to get the last of his things yesterday.
God figuratively and literally brings H to his knees. While moving out the last of his things, he blew a knee, and ended up in the ER. He had no one to call for help, except me.
I helped.
D20 wanting to go to the hospital with us. She has seen him once since July, and that was a few weeks ago when she really let him have it at her therapist. S22 pointed out to me later that it was the first time the 4 of us have been together since their birthday dinner last July. Interesting he noted that.
Last night's dinner out was obviously a no-go, but I picked up sushi (yes, he paid), we shared a meal and wine where he is staying, and talked for 4 hours. Some of it light, some of it deep.
For those just starting this journey, looking for reasons why someone you love would do what they do, listen to the wise people here when they say they are running. It's true.
H said those exact words. I asked him what he was running from. He said his guilt and shame. He couldn't face me, and thought OW would be enough to forget. He now realizes that no amount of life-rafts can allow him to escape himself.
Today's sermon was about conflict. How it can be disasterous to avoid dealing with difficult things out of fear or pride. Another intervention from God. Our marriage was almost totally conflict free. My pastor reminded us today that God is a God of reconciliation, whether it be with our spouse, friends, co-workers, or neighbors. He encouraged us to start a dialogue with someone that we are in conflict with.
Our dialogue has started, and we will see where it leads.
God is the light, and I am allowing it to shine within me. I feel the warmth, like loving arms wrapped around me.
H wants the warmth, and is inching closer in to see what the light holds.
God is definitely shining the light on you and your family. I'm glad your h has reached out to your pastor. Things are looking very positive and I'm very glad for this. Continue as you have been. What you are doing is working.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
For those just starting this journey, looking for reasons why someone you love would do what they do, listen to the wise people here when they say they are running. It's true.
H said those exact words. I asked him what he was running from. He said his guilt and shame. He couldn't face me, and thought OW would be enough to forget. He now realizes that no amount of life-rafts can allow him to escape himself.
Thank you for sharing this, Grace. It does bring me a little comfort. Every time I find myself uncomfortable that, while he is still living here, my H can still blame me for his anger or unhappiness, I try to remember I can’t do anything to change how he feels, and it’s not my place to do that anyway; he really does need to want to look more deeply to understand what is going on, to realize that he can’t escape himself, and that will be on his own timeline. I have to repeat: he is not running from me, I am not the source of all problems, because so often it does feel like that!
