Embracing Peace and Joy

[Grace21]

Previous thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2877628&page=11

[Grace21]

I thought I'd put my last post from my previous thread here. It just seemed too weird to have nothing to say to start the thread!

OwnIt - I agree the exchange between H and I is a bit surreal. I am surprised myself that I can ask questions about OW and not really feel much about it.


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Happy Easter everyone!

Events here continue to unfold. Words have been shared.

H sent me a comprehensive outline of how he sees the marriage settlement agreement, and put a lot of thought into the last real sticking. It was actually well thought out, and reasonable. I had some comments back, which he accepted.

We talked on the phone for almost 30 minutes this week. It was supposed to be about the agreement, but we really didn’t talk much about it. Talked lots about his current sitch. Seems volatile. He still expressed desire for a friend to step forward and “give him some ideas, tell him what to do”. I told him that a few of our old friends are still there, and he had to just reach out and they would offer support, but that I believe he needed to make his own decisions. I said that I think he is waiting for it to get bad with OW that she will decide for him (i.e. throw him out), just like I had to make his decision for him to move out. He recognized that throughout our married life, he let me make most of the decisions, albeit that were mostly good ones. I asked him whether it was time for him to take control of his own life and make the decisions necessary to reach his goals. He listened.

He expressed again what he wanted was to move elsewhere with me and start over. I told him he had the events backwards. That we needed to see if we can ever repair and reconcile first over time, and only then make a decision whether we wanted to move out of the area. He admitted his desire to escape because of embarrassment and fear (of the gossip, I think), but I pointed out that he (we?) could start new even in this area. We both shared that neither wants to file for divorce now, and the agreement will be done to have in place in case we do. No assets will be split at this time, and he will continue to financially provide.

It was a good conversation, but I think fear still has too big of a hold on him to make any real decisions. He says therapy is going very well, and he is making good progress. I hope he doesn’t rush into thinking he is better and quits. Only time will tell.

Yesterday he sent me a message: “Miss you. JS” (JS for just saying, not his initials)

Today I sent him a short message wishing him a Happy Easter, and didn't know if he was celebrating but wanted him to know I was thinking of him. I said "To me, Easter = Hopes". He responded that he thinks about me all the time. And "Well put. Hope. I just need strength".

Something is happening, but I will let time tell me exactly what it is, and where it leads.

I have thought a lot about DnJ’s words:

Originally Posted by DnJ
I too have thought about trust. I also have experienced declines in trust and the effort in re-establishing trust in work relationships. Respect also plays a part in this growth.

Regaining trust is possible. I think the problem is we get mixed up with trust vs innocence.

My XW betrayed me pretty brutally; like happened to lots of folks around here. I do believe I could find trust with her again. It would take work on both sides. Like at work - a consistent demonstrable behaviour leads to (re)building a trusting relationship. (I’m actually currently dealing with a subordinate on this very issue).

XW and I, would we ever have that innocence again? Hmmmm.

I see the naive trust we had pre-BD. It was more child-like; it hadn’t had any crazy huge rifts or problems to survive. If she ever turned back, and wanted to do the work, our new trust would be a different kind. One where it is chosen. Not so much innocent, more mature.

Maybe that trust would be stronger. It would take her to acknowledge her actions, have true remorse, and really change. Similar on my side to regain her trust in me. In that effort, respect would be gained as well.

I think that is the key to a new relationship. Not innocence, that is not a priority. Trust and respect, that is the priority. That’s the priority for our “next” relationship. Everyone gives that advice; don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect you. We are worthy of trust and respect.

It’s just your “next” relationship might be with H. It’s a new relationship, and it’s going to be based on trust and respect.

A few key points I see. A person has to trust themselves, before they can trust another. Not a problem for you. H has work to do. He has been untrustworthy, needs to change his views, and trust that he has.

Trust vs. innocence is worthy of additional meditation. I don’t think I want that innocence. Seems immature. But I don’t want it to morph to vigilance either. That certainly is no way to life. I do believe that my next relationship could be with H. It’s a scary, daunting, thought, but also hopeful. I seem to let all the hurdles get in the way of focusing on the hope: Feeling like everyone will think me making the biggest mistake of my life getting back together, the need for H to repair his relationship with D and S, their willingness to forgive, doubting that trust can happen, and fear that the old patterns will return. But, I will continue to work hard to stay positive, present, and not worry about all the what ifs. That is in God’s hands.

To me. Worry is not trusting God, and trying to take control. Why should I take on that burden when it has already been taken by Jesus?

My path is still just that. Mine. I will continue to enjoy my kids, my friends, my backyard, and my work. I will fill my days with things that are productive, and give me joy.

This Easter Sunday, I am thinking about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us, and the hope he gave for all of us when he rose again.

Life is good.

Grace

[cardinal]

Happy Easter, Grace! Your words here give me hope, not only because your H seems to be gaining increased self-awareness, but because you continue to move through your life with grace, patience, and strength, and that is heartening and inspiring to witness.

[Believe6]

Happy Easter, Grace! We get to say it for 50 days! Yay!

I read on another post (not here) something that has been helping me. As we just experienced Jesus rising, I feel especially close to our brother... The poster said, "Jesus was in love with you before you were formed."

And I cried. Even now I tear up. I had been missing that feeling of my H being "in love" with me. But knowing that Jesus has been in love with me and will be forever... well that just trumps all, doesn't it?

So whatever happens with your H, you are already so very well loved. Now, we must love ourselves the same. To be in love with ourselves. To see ourselves when we look in the mirror. Not just our face, hair, etc... but when we gaze into our own eyes and see the love that God has for us shining back... well wow, then we know we are all.

I hope for you, as you continue to build your life, trust God, and allow for things to unfold as it should, we will be the love for ourselves that we had longed for from our spouses...

And in doing so, our kids will learn the deep well of love that exists for them in themselves and through us. We can be Jesus' conduit. If we so choose... without strings, without expectations... and we can do this not just for ourselves, our kids, and our families... but eventually and fully for our spouses as well. And as we do, it won't matter what they decide. The love exists whether they are in our lives or not.

Now it's just a matter of me believing this myself and maintaining zero expectations where my H is concerned. Have a blessed rest of your week, Grace!

[Grace21]

Cardinal - thanks for your kind words. It makes me happy that by sharing my experiences and thoughts, I can help and inspire others.

Believe - You comments are very timely. God = Love, and the greatest commandment is love. I feel loved, and love who I have become in this process.

I am doing a devotional now, but I don't think I can post the full name - puspose driven. Anyway, today's message was all about "mature love", and love is a choice and an action, not an emotion. Early on in my journey, I chose to try to have all my interactions with H, and really try to live my life, as Jesus would, with love, compassion, understanding, and with no judgement. Do I always succeed? Certainly not. But, that choice, and those actions, have given me a peace I never thought possible throughout this journey. One thing that was said in the podcast for my devotional just today was this:

"Loving someone is giving them what they NEED. Not what they DESERVE."

This was exactly the validation I needed today, as my dad last night on the phone couldn't understand why I haven't filed for D, and he said that there is no way he would ever take someone back that did what my H did. I just told him that it wasn't his life, and I didn't know what life holds and I'm o.k. with my decision.

Several posts back, I wrote about H asking me if I loved him, and I balked. I didn't know. Now I understand that those fuzzy feelings we have with someone is not love. Love is the actions we do, showing caring, providing a need, doing something to make someone happy. All action. Not a fuzzy feeling.

Maybe H needs my love more than ever to help him out of what certainly must be a living hell. Regardless of reconciliation. Most people would say he certainly doesn't deserve it. Heck, everyone would, and I could too. But I don't feel that way.

I will continue to listen to the promptings from God, and take it one day at a time.

Grace

[DnJ]

Well said Grace.

[Kindly]

Grace - your above message gave me goosebumps and I agree it was so well said. (My first response didn’t post properly so I hope I can remember the gist of what I said).

Your post is so very helpful to me because despite being surrounded by love and support I do feel the opinions of others that don’t understand why I’m not angry. I entertain a lot of “you should said say this, or do that” ....I know they hate seeing my hurt and upset but I choose the same path as you. I struggle greatly at times with how awful, lost and alone H must be feeling despite the outward anger and confidence he displays. I like how you said that your “choices and actions have given you a peace you never thought possibly throughout this journey”. I am still relatively early on in my journey and can feel this peace at times when I behave true to myself, true to my character which is loving and compassionate. How interesting that I feel most off balance when there is conflict, confrontation and when I let fear or frustration take the wheel.

I will mark this and re-read when I need the reminder. Thank you (((Grace)))

[Believe6]

Grace,
During a weekend couples retreat we attended back in December, they said love is a decision. We hadn't heard that before and it really struck my H. And for a couple of months, he lived like he believed it. He tried really really hard. Even though he was confused, feeling trapped and wanted out, he was doing so much to try and be there for me.

Then BOOM-- 180 and he raced into the tunnel. He doesn't say he loves me anymore. Before he would tell me he loved me after I told him. I knew he didn't mean he was in love with me. I knew he meant he loves me as a person, but the last 2 weeks (only said it twice) he's said, "I know." It kills me really.

But I know that love is a choice and a decision. It is something we commit to "doing" and not just being. Although it is also a feeling. The thing is, our MLCers have too many feelings and sometimes not enough. They are both numb and burning up with emotion.

When my H admits it, which he has randomly (but not often), I see how much this is hurting him and how lost he really is. It is terrifying really. To know they are in the dark and for those who are avoidant (which mine is-- avoids conflict or too many emotions), this is really just too much. They are drowning in feelings, fears, and then nothing. It must feel like they are going crazy.

And here we are... the spouse who has been there for them through so much. They can't face themselves. They can't face us. Who knows if it's a combo of guilt, shame, trapped, loneliness... and so many more... they just can't have us as another burden they need to worry about or carry.

I feel for my H and I will stand until the day I die. I made a vow. I promised with my heart and soul. We are already bound in heaven and I won't let earth destroy that. He can do what he needs to do. Even if it leads him away from me, I decided.

We can't let others, who may not get it, sway us from our personal commitment. We must trust that God is taking care of what we can't see (our spouse) and that we too are being supported, carried, and loved.

It is so very hard. But I too believe like you that the only path forward is through.... and that means standing.

Blessings

PS.... the hardest part for me is non-judgement-- trying not to "fix" him. He's doing what he needs to do to heal. God has him. I can't judge if he is doing it "right" or if what he is doing is "right." Yes, that's hard... compassion, understanding, even love.... but non-judgement? That's hard because what he does hurts... the pulling back, the non-affection, the lack of love and caring on his part... but love doesn't require the other person's participation. It only requires ours... I need to remember that.

[Grace21]

Kindly - I'm glad my words spoke to you. Taking the high road and not compromising our values or beliefs, or erode who we are deep down can only ultimately be good for us and give us that peace we all want. I still have difficult times, but try to quickly regroup. Today was one of them, as H and I had several e-mail exachanges about D20. It's upsetting to me how he is blaming her for their rift. Still taking no responsbility. I engaged with him on this but looking back, regret it. He's just not there yet. I will let it go now. I must let it go. For me, but also for H.

Believe - I hear you on the struggle for non-judgement and the need to fix things. I think most LBSs share that struggle. However, you have insight, and are doing well.

My struggle continues. My impatience at the process reared it's ugly head today. But, going into the weekend now, so time for a long bike ride and a walk in the preserve. That always gives me peace.

[Believe6]

Grace, hope your bike ride and walk in the preserve went well. Attended online mass today, but was distracted. I tend to find my mind wandering a lot. I don't know if I developed ADD after so much trauma, both mine and my H's MLC.

Trying to find God in the day. Maybe what i need is a hug from someone. Going to reach out to my kids. I need love in a big way and not just a mental construct of it.

Sending you healing, loving, peaceful thoughts.