Just very brief re-cap: Wife said I didn't give her enough attention, met another man, moved out October 2019. Tried to save things, February she told me not to speak to her anymore and was getting a lawyer. No communication since that time. Until very recently I got a message from her.
Well my response was based on the idea that you don’t want a divorce. If you want to push the divorce why do you need her you to contact you to see where is at in the process?
Sounds like you need to decide what side of the fence you are on.
I do need to decide, you are correct about that.
The reason I felt I needed her to contact was me, is because I had been pushing for the divorce, asking for weekly updates, and she kept finding reasons to delay it, until finally she told me to stop contacting her and she was getting a lawyer. I didn't want to jeopardize the agreement we had come to so I thought I would just wait for contact from the lawyer. Stupidly I just kept waiting, and here we are six weeks later, and she finally messages me, but nothing about the divorce. I just don't get it...
I had been pushing for the divorce, asking for weekly updates, and she kept finding reasons to delay it, until finally she told me to stop contacting her and she was getting a lawyer. I didn't want to jeopardize the agreement we had come to so I thought I would just wait for contact from the lawyer. Stupidly I just kept waiting, and here we are six weeks later, and she finally messages me, but nothing about the divorce. I just don't get it...
I doubt you will ever get it.
BTW, asking her for weekly updates......until she finally tells you to stop contacting her? Well, I don't get why you kept pushing, when you obviously don't want a D.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good lesson here: If you want a D, ask your lawyer to get it done. If you don't want a D, let it be. Hounding your partner to make progress towards a D is an inconsistent action in most situations.
BTW, asking her for weekly updates......until she finally tells you to stop contacting her? Well, I don't get why you kept pushing, when you obviously don't want a D.
I don’t want a divorce, but I just feel like I do not have a choice in the matter. I wish I had the patience to just wait and wait, but I don’t...
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Good lesson here: If you want a D, ask your lawyer to get it done. If you don't want a D, let it be. Hounding your partner to make progress towards a D is an inconsistent action in most situations.
You are right, it’s just so frustrating, she is the one who started another relationship and wants to leave our marriage. So she should be the one to do the work to end her current relationship. I get that is a fool’s errand, but it’s still frustrating.
I don’t want a divorce, but I just feel like I do not have a choice in the matter. I wish I had the patience to just wait and wait, but I don’t...
That's up to you. As long as she doesn't file, I think you do have a choice. If filing for D is based on a boundary line, religious or moral reasons.....or whatever, that's fine, and I'm not arguing it. But don't say you have no choice.
Look, I understand not being patient enough. Sometimes it comes with maturity, so don't give up while you are still young.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well my response was based on the idea that you don’t want a divorce. If you want to push the divorce why do you need her you to contact you to see where is at in the process?
Sounds like you need to decide what side of the fence you are on.
I do need to decide, you are correct about that.
The reason I felt I needed her to contact was me, is because I had been pushing for the divorce, asking for weekly updates, and she kept finding reasons to delay it, until finally she told me to stop contacting her and she was getting a lawyer. I didn't want to jeopardize the agreement we had come to so I thought I would just wait for contact from the lawyer. Stupidly I just kept waiting, and here we are six weeks later, and she finally messages me, but nothing about the divorce. I just don't get it...
Don't beat yourself up too much. A lot of us are in the same boat, including me. We're trying to gain control of a situation that feels so out of control for us. To put it another way, things are happening that we don't want. We don't want D, we want to work on things. But we can't control that. So what can we control? Well, we talk ourselves into "Well, if D is inevitable, then at least I want to control the timeline", and this can be for a number of reasons. It could be as simple as just wanting even the tiniest bit of agency over what's happening, or it could be as complex as wanting to present that you're fine with it, even impatient.
Others are more expert than me, but I think the unifying advice I've seen/heard on here is simple. If you don't want D, don't push her to D. Hounding her for updates and trying to speed it up only moves you closer to an outcome that you don't want.
Thank you all! Really good insight, you guys are amazing, I just want to thank everyone again that takes time to respond on this board.
Well this bills things escalated a bit, then turned into relationship talk. She is still pretty hard on the divorce train, but as of yet has not filed anything or given me any paperwork to sign.
I do believe she has really hired a lawyer though, so she is at least trying to move forward I guess?
I will say she does not seem happy, but she still just says we are not compatible, and we never did have a good relationship, but the examples are always just stuff that happened recently (within the last year of our relationship).
I never brought up the other man, not sure if he is still in the picture or not. She did admit she has a lot of time on her hands now and told me she realized she has to grow up and that she doesn't know how to be an adult because her parents have always just done everything for her.
Anyway, talking to her has of course brought up feelings, and now I'm back to feeling like a certainly do not want a divorce. I guess hearing from her has at least helped in that I feel like I can be patient, and I will not press her anymore. I will just see if she gives me anything to sign or not. We will see.
Steve, I think your thoughts on control are spot on, I did feel like at least if I could control the divorce I could come out of this with some dignity.
Hey all, I'm sure I messed up a bit here, as I got drawn into a relationship talk with her after 6 weeks of no contact. I feel like a did a pretty good job at validating her feelings, and also owning up to my own mistakes. She owned up to her mistakes as well, but basically just said she doesn't think we are compatible, we are way to different.
So, then I said I feel like that is her way of telling me she is still seeing another man, and if her heart is with someone else then there is no way she will feel compatible with me. She sent me back a pretty angry message, saying it just shows how selfish I am, and that I'm acting like the past 7 months is solely because of her affair and none of her feelings leading up to it. That I just have to always place the blame elsewhere. Except we had literally just talked about how that wasn't the case.
Anyway, just wondering if I should even respond to that, or just let it go, it's hard not defend myself...
