Time to file? (Thanks BenB - part 2)

[Mumin]

Thank you KT! I definitely think you have been very strong at times!
Just keep DBing! Find you center, so to say.
I still have hope too and definitely some sadness/sorrow from time to time. But I have come to REALLY realize that for anything to happen with us again there is a VERY long road ahead. Longer than our sitch (almost a year now).

With regards to the house, it is our house that we own together. We typically spend a lot of the summertime here since we are close to the water.
How do ppl typically handle vacation time? We will switch to one week each with the kids.


Short journal:
Had a good weekend with the kids and my brother.
As mentioned on another thread I have some issues with porn. Any tips here would help!
Anyway, I realized that very often when I get aroused for some reason (too often porn) I start thinking about W and OM and then I just feel appalled. Have to really focus to not think about them having sex.
Really an irritating trait that I sure hope goes away soon!

Tonight I have been thinking a bit about W. Stayed busy with cleaning the house and some computer games.
Not sure I will ever understand the lack of logical judgement in her actions. So stupid...

[Traveler]

Hi Mumin,

My custody scheduled alternates Winter and Summer breaks. The days for Winter vacation are fixed. The days for summer vacation are by request, but guaranteed up to D days (D=10, maybe?).

[Traveler]

As mentioned on another thread I have some issues with porn. Any tips here would help!

What is your issue with porn? If your ex is engaging in PAs for physical intimacy, and you just use porn, seems like an issue an order of magnitude smaller. Most men look at porn. I mean, I read erotic literature 1-2x/week. ::shrug:: I'd rather have my girlfriend on-call 24/7, but since that ain't happening, human needs! If it's interfering with your job, relationships, etc. that's of course a sign to make a change.

[Mumin]

Thanks for replies Cwarrior!
Regarding porn I dont mean to do this in any regard for my wife.
This is all for me. A better me!
For me it is an addiction and I watched way way too much during my 12 years with W.
Erotic novels sounds like a good place to shift my focus in these times.
My porn has mostly been much more graphic and VERY objectifying of women.

I am considering talking to W's father this week. Might meet him due to certain circumstances.
I would basically say I am very sorry all this has happen and that I am doing what I need to do for me and for the kids.
Man to man sort of. Partly because this is a development in me I want (To dare to take uncomfortable conversations), partly because I think he will loose out on time with his grand children and because I (at least used to) respect him.
Basically a man to man conversation. Honor and integrity.
What is your take on this?
Any suggestions of what to say? (Unless you think this is a bad idea)

[Mumin]

Hi again,

Any pointers on the above?

Update from this morning:
W asked repeatedly last night when I was coming home?
Didnt answer specifically other than that i WAS coming home.

This morning she was frustrated and asked what I will do today.
I just said same as yesterday. Work, and training. (from home due to Corona)
W - This whole thing with us living together is so hard for me. Cant you live with your brother now, on the days that are my days with the kids? (My brothers girlfriend has her apartment back)
Me - I understand it is tough for you. It is not about that. I want to live in my house, my home.
W - You will have to buy my share of the house. I feel like I dont have a home.
Me - Yes if I can afford it. Or we sell the house.

A while later.
W - You could have been the one who picked up the kids today.
Me - This is what we agreed to do since you were away a few weekends back.
W - Yes and we had also agreed we were going to alternate living in the house.
Me - Yes that's true but I have changed my mind about that. We can talk more tonight I don't want the kids to hear this.

I also agreed I can write to her if I know the time that I will be coming home, since it is so tough for her waiting around in the evenings. (I am usually not home when she has picked up the kids on her days)
Not great to agree on that I know, but I feel I am loosing bargaining power now that I have filed for D.

Seems like she will push for selling of the house or that I find another place to live 50% of the time.
I will hold my ground tonight, listen and mostly say I will have to think.
I also want to discuss a more long-term perspective (at least in regards to our 6 month waiting period).
I dont see a problem living together for the 6 months, especially given Coronas affect on the economy...

[ovrrnbw]

Mumin,

I would probably not meet your father in law. I'm not sure there is a good reason, although you alluded to the possibility that one exists. It's more likely to be something negative then positive IMO. I was bad in sitch about meeting the in laws. It was pressure on my W and an emotional setback on me. Maybe you can explain further why you want to do this.

As for your W, I wouldn't answer the "when are you coming home" questions. It's a game. You did fine responding to her questions and prodding. She's trying to get you out the door. Don't let it get to you.

I also agreed I can write to her if I know the time that I will be coming home, since it is so tough for her waiting around in the evenings. (I am usually not home when she has picked up the kids on her days)

Why does this matter so much to her?

Just tell her you are not going to keep discussing moving out. It's crazy how she keeps pushing this. She knows where the door is and she shouldn't let it hit her on the way out either.

Stay strong buddy keep posting, we got your back.

[Mumin]

Thanks you very much Ovr!! I needed that support!

Will see about father in law. I see your point!
Def Don't need to do it yet.

Update
Had a short discussion tonight and now she has left.
I agreed to leave the kids at daycare tomorrow despite it being her morning.
I said, yes I can do that tomorrow since I am home (Corona) but it can't be a recurring thing.
Not great I know but it gives me a calm day and longer day alone with my kids beflre I am gone for a few days.


She says she can't live like we are living now. "this could go on for several months or even a year".
I tried to understand her view on the living situation but she can't or doesn't want to explain.
W - "feels like I am living a double life"
No [censored]...! I didn't Respond.

She wants to value the house again and wants me to buy her share so she can get an apartment.
I said if you rent something and don't live here I will pay for the house (mortgage etc).
SInce I am not SURE I will afford to buy her share the other option is to sell which is stupid right now.
She seemed willing to sell now despite low/bad market atm.
She might even agree to a low valuation if I buy her share of the house...


Last thing she did was brush her teeth. (at 19:30)
Time to make out and...

[Vapo]

I say use the situation and low ball her and buy her out at a corona discount...

[Mumin]

Thanks Vapo. Will def consider that!

Sandi I saw you were online. Whats your take on my updates? LH?

[LH19]

M,

I agree with vapo and you try to low ball her to get her out. I think you have to wave the proverbial white flag and work on detachment and yourself.

I lived with my ex for 16 months prior to her filing for D. Not ideal but it was 16 months of seeing my kids everyday. Command respect and show her your best self. Now in the time to become the person you want to be. If you want to kick your porn habit then work on kicking it.

I'm not going to lie your, next few years are going to be challenging but you will over come it and come out the other side.

The truth of the matter is that life can be really $hitty sometimes. It's about how you respond to it is what counts.