Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

Nice to see kitty is on the mend. She’ll soon be running around the place again.

I am glad you spoke directly to your landlord about the rent thing and H. Smart to let her know your intent not to move, regardless of H.

You cannot trust H to do what you expect. Stuff like rent, and other things that are important and need an adult involved - do them yourself. Then just inform H.

I get it, joint accounts and financial involvements make it harder to navigate. Going forward try to just let H know what is going on and what you are doing about it. Something like, I got an email from landlord and our rent is increasing. I am going to talk to her and let her know that’s fine. (or ask if we can increase it by half, or whatever).

Did you get the auto bill figured out?

Being locked down is tough and anxiety does rise - especially with a MLCer in the same house. Getting out for a change of scenery is a good idea. Like job said, even if it’s just for a cup of coffee from the drive thru.

Stay strong. You’re doing well.

DnJ

[may22]

Yay on the sourdough starter! I ordered three bags of flour two weeks ago and they're finally coming today so can get back to baking... Although I've already put like 5 lbs on during this quarantine from all the snacking and drinking I've been doing. UGH. Anyway, let me know how it goes!

Really glad to hear about your kitty. Mine passed away two years ago now at age 17 and it turns out my younger daughter is allergic, so we have no pets. I really miss having a kitty-- there is something about a pet that loves you unconditionally and their biggest demand is to be pet or fed or a lap to sit on that feeds your soul.

I think you're doing really well and staying strong in a crazy, crazy, situation. I also think it was great that you connected directly with the landlord yourself, and the more you can do to carve out what is best for YOU in this situation, the better, disconnected from anything to do with your H. I think it shows great strength and progress that you didn't let yourself get baited in the conversation about the size of your cat's cone... and while you are totally justified in being mad at him about it still, if you can just let it go and not let his ridiculousness affect you I think it will help you continue to detach.

Are there any other things you can do for yourself while on lockdown?

xx M

[Believe6]

Hey Cardinal- I hope you are well. It is a special time of year at least for me. I know it's hard to live with someone who you knew better than you knew yourself and now they are a total stranger. The thing I realized too is that my H is a stranger to himself too.

I know he is. When I stop looking at him wanting to see the man I knew, I see the one he is now and the pain in his eyes is debilitating. He is so lost. Even when he is withdrawn, angry, resentful (hasn't been like that in a while as we don't talk enough for me to see that), I can see how very hurt and tortured he is.

Seeing that, knowing that his pain is at least as deep as mine, and maybe even worse because at least I can acknowledge where it is stemming from and what I need to do to address me and heal me... but he really can't. He is so very lost so very confused about how to even begin. When we tried to share his pain in MC, he couldn't really articulate it. He is avoidant so his pain will go on and on even possibly longer than it should because he can't address it.

All they are trying to do to avoid the pain will be useless. Because the pain is internal, in their mind and their soul. So until they know this and are willing to look inside versus outside (i.e. OW, drugs, friends, etc), they will be tortured and lost.

I hate that we are all suffering and going through this. I hate that so many of us are broken. But I also know we can be reborn, remade into something better. Something new. Something so strong that nothing will ever threaten us again. I am praying that for you and for all of us.

Until then, take care of kitty. Take care of you. Let H do what he does. Let him go and embrace YOU.

Blessings!

[cardinal]

Happy Easter, friends! Thank you for your concern and well wishes. I have thought of you all often while I've been going about day to day life here, finally able to shift more into focusing on me, spending time in the garden, taking long walks, and doing more baking. I've had moments of real contentment, because this is where I want to be--at home with my kitties, in the yard helping beautiful things grow. It may be strange to say, but I am grateful to have been essentially temporarily laid off from my job, even if the financial aspect of that is worrisome. I like my life here at home. I missed it. H sometimes makes it harder to focus on the joy I can find in the middle of all this uncertainty, but I can still find it.

The cats are doing well, I found a 10 lb bag of flour (May!) at the store and was gifted a sourdough starter and a bouquet of chard from a friend, and H has been mostly friendly. His loooong phonecalls to friends pretty quickly went from all the time to intermittent.

After mentioning D to our landlord, he seemed to be even more at ease. One night I was trying to figure out what to use as a litter box for the recovering cat, who was no longer able to fit into the old one with his cone. H was happily cooking his dinner in the kitchen, totally unconcerned that the cat had resorted to peeing on the floor, and I was half talking to myself, half talking to him--What else could work as a litter box that I haven't considered? What else could I try?

He said, "I don't know, hon, I don't think there's anything we can do."

His normal exasperated response would be to use my name. He hasn't called me "hon" or anything of the sort in 10 months. He didn't even realize he'd done it. Then he brought me bites of his food to try as I was still dealing with the cat.

Another time he let me know he ordered a new nonstick pan because ours was starting to fall apart. When it came in the mail, he told me it was a different kind than before and that, "It was more expensive, but it should last forever."

I wanted to say--Oh, and that matters because when we get the D you're planning on we'll both still get to share the pan?

But he still has periods of moodiness and withdraws on the weekends to his room. He's been vaping weed more and more frequently throughout the week. It still bothers me that he sees nothing weird about this, that he thinks he's living the kind of life that will make him happy. I was reading through the thread on MLC CanBird posted and this stuck out to me: "I'd describe what I witnessed as being not a nervous breakdown but a breakdown in an established identity." For a while here I was thinking H was doing better, but I think it was just that I only saw him when he seemed somewhat normal, and he was still able to go out and do what he wanted with his friends, stay out late, etc. Now there's no denying he's just as lost as he seemed before Christmas. Sure, he seems happy a lot of the time, but then why all the drinking and vaping?

Believe, what you say here seems true:

He is avoidant so his pain will go on and on even possibly longer than it should because he can't address it. All they are trying to do to avoid the pain will be useless. Because the pain is internal, in their mind and their soul. So until they know this and are willing to look inside versus outside (i.e. OW, drugs, friends, etc), they will be tortured and lost.

Even though when I first started posting here, many vets mentioned drugs were pretty common, I never would have thought H would end up vaping! I told my friend today that it's no wonder I sometimes doubt myself and start to think I'm the crazy one: H sees nothing out of the ordinary about his behavior. I feel like I'm witnessing the breakdown of his established identity, while he's saying, "No, I've always been this person. You just didn't see it. There's nothing weird at all about my behavior."

And I sometimes start to believe him. Maybe this was always who he was at his core... It's like I'm being brainwashed some days!

It's like he's so convinced he's got everything figured out: D happening (at some undetermined future point...?), his awesome friends who he can't wait to get back to...

But it seems more likely to me he's still compartmentalizing all of his feelings and using pot to help him escape even further. I mean, it's not normal for an adult to suddenly think, hey, maybe I'll take up vaping!, is it? It stinks (literally!), but I haven't mentioned it or drawn any attention at all to the fact that it's out of character for him. I just open a couple of windows and try to stay in my own world, and pray that at some point he will look inside, as Believe says. I can imagine a point in the future when he starts to withdraw from his mom, as he's always been hyper focused on pleasing her as well, and can imagine her reaching out to me to ask what's going on with him. I can also imagine her not realizing how different he is now, because she lives states away and I am 99% sure he doesn't talk to her about what's going on in his life. Nothing has changed in that department, I'm sure.

One last thing: his birthday is coming up at the end of the month. I would not be surprised if he gets moodier or withdraws completely that weekend or decides to spend hours on the phone or maybe even go out and see a friend. But I do plan to ask when it approaches if he'd like me to bake a little cake, as he did make me a cake for my birthday a month after BD. I think it's likely he'll say no, because he'll be mad he can't be out partying like he'd like, and who knows what feelings a birthday will bring up in him. But I figure there's no harm in offering out of kindness.

I better go check on my laundry. Sending the best to all of you this week!

[Believe6]

Cardinal, I was listening to a podcast and they talked about MLCers. As we know, they all go through their phases and part of that is the return of various "children" from their past or people they used to be. Even if he didn't do drugs as a teenager, there may have been a part of him that wanted to. Now that the teenager is back, he is trying things he wasn't able to do then. And since in some states weed (and definitely vaping) is legal, he may not even see it as a "drug" per se.

The thing we all tend to do, being sequestered with our H's, is to keep looking at what they are doing. It's hard just to focus on what we are doing. I continue to read more and more about how I can heal myself. I had a friend text me something that really bothered me.

I was telling her how hurt I was and how I am struggling some days with even wanting to ever wake up. She basically told me that I am wasting my life. And this is from someone who is my H's friend much longer than mine. She told me that even if our marriage doesn't make it, I shouldn't waste a day not being happy.

Now, I don't agree with her overall assessment, that only being happy is the way to be. I do believe that life is meant to be lived in all the emotional highs and lows we may experience. We can't just be "happy" and pretend that the pain we are experiencing can't teach us things. But her text did make me think that if I wallow in the pain without allowing it to teach me anything, then I really am wasting my life.

I think that's why we are supposed to stop focusing on their issues and their journey, and rather, focus on our own. We have to stop looking at them because then we aren't looking inside us. Who are we really? What makes us happy? What pisses us off? What did we love to do? What have we given up doing because our spouse didn't really like it or were annoyed by it?

Who would we be without him/her? What would we do if they had died and not just abandoned us (even if they still live with us)?

You are a beautiful person, Cardinal. One who deeply cares. Start caring more about you. We can't keep analyzing why our H is doing what they do that is so opposite to who we knew them to be. Yes, they aren't the person we fell in love with.

They may NEVER be that person again. But WE can be the person we are in love with. WE can be the person who no one will ever want to leave because we own who we are.

You are worth the effort to get to know yourself. Do you like singing loud in the shower? Writing poetry? Reading mysteries or sappy love stories? Do you like funny cat videos and travel blogs? Who are you really? Figure that out and share her with us. I want to know Cardinal... the one who is on the other side of this whole journey.

Because if we believe Einstein, then the future is already here and that Cardinal already exists in her full and glorious wholeness.

Blessings!

[cardinal]

I am sure you're right, Believe--he was the perfect son in high school and college, and I think this is all part of his late rebellion. It's legal, and there's no way he sees anything weird or wrong with it (even though old H would have). I try to have no judgement, and I know I'm failing at that in some ways. But then an article pops up in the NYT about how smoking and vaping (weed or tobacco) puts you at higher risk for Covid-19, and he already is in a higher risk group, and I just... am not so detached that I don't still worry about him and feel sad that he's in this state.

I'm also a bit bothered by your friend's statement. I tend to agree with you, that happy is not the only way to be. In fact, that's what my H firmly believed: that he was happy about everything in his life and it was pointless to waste time being unhappy. Everyone thought he was the happiest guy in the world, including him, including me. Cue BD. He was wrong. I was wrong. It seems clear now that he didn't know how to handle or express any other emotion, so he let all of his anger and sadness and disappointment out at me, and now he thinks he's back in happy land again—on the surface.

So I think the pressure to move on from grief--to be happy no matter what, can also sometimes be unhelpful. I think permission is sometimes more helpful. Of course, it is all different for each individual.

Thank you for your questions, Believe. Your post brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings for me, and so this is in some way a response to it, but it's more me working out my own feelings at the moment on grieving and discovering myself, so don't feel this is all directed at you.

I understand there is a big push here to stop focusing on our spouses and to turn the focus back to ourselves. I can only control myself, so that is where I want my focus to be. I also don't want to feel bad for having days where I am distracted by something H does or says. It's been a big adjustment having him here in the house 95% of the time, and it took me a couple of weeks to begin focusing more on myself again. There are a hundred small things I find fulfillment and joy in each day, and I am thankful for that.

I'm still grieving, angry some days, all of that. I'm on my own timeline there. I am still grieving the fact that H couldn't vocalize any of his unhappiness until he'd already decided the M was over and that I was the root of it, that H went from an incredibly generous, loving, and kind partner and friend to, well, you know, the opposite, and that I never saw it coming; I'm still working on coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely never have a child with him and possibly never have a child at all, because of so many things, but also just plain timing of all of this. Maybe some people reach acceptance faster. That's okay. I think it will come when it comes. For me, this is where the sit quietly and wait advice comes in.

I believe I can both be going through waves of sadness, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion related to H and be moving forward at the same time. I think there is a difference between getting permanently stuck in those feelings and recognizing them when they come and working to process them, which is, I think, a lot of what I do when I post here. I know some questions will never be answered, but I still want to voice them. I do tend to focus on H here, because this is the only place where people understand intimately the craziness I am going through. It's really helpful for me to have the repeated outside validation that 1) This is not normal; 2) I didn't cause it; 3) I can't fix it.

There's a lot of focus on rediscovering oneself on the boards, too. I get that. It's so easy to lose sight of who we are as individuals when we're in a long-term relationship, and this is even more challenging, I think, for mothers. I am not a mother, but I can empathize with that. I've never felt I lost myself in my M. I like to think I had and have a very clear sense of who I am. Of course I had shared interests with H, but I also had many of my own and still have them. I told my friend I was struggling with this: I don't feel like I need to rediscover myself, I said. I feel like I know who I am.

She said, "Maybe it's not about rediscovering yourself but about celebrating yourself."

I really liked that sentiment. I can continue celebrating who I am, reinforcing, as DnJ would say, my values and beliefs as I go. I'm trying.

[Kindly]

Hi Cardinal! So happy to see you back. How’s kitty? How are you? Once again no shocker...I’m starting to feel like we share a brain or maybe our spouses do! Would you believe I’ve now learned that my H too has started with the drug use...both edibles and vaping??? He’s bought a full store by the looks of it. Again someone who was disgusted by the frequent use of it in his industry. The reasonings behind Mlcr’s doing this make sense but it really is quite unbelievable...

I'm still grieving, angry some days, all of that. I'm on my own timeline there. I am still grieving the fact that H couldn't vocalize any of his unhappiness until he'd already decided the M was over and that I was the root of it, that H went from an incredibly generous, loving, and kind partner and friend to, well, you know, the opposite, and that I never saw it coming; I'm still working on coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely never have a child with him and possibly never have a child at all, because of so many things, but also just plain timing of all of this. Maybe some people reach acceptance faster. That's okay. I think it will come when it comes. For me, this is where the sit quietly and wait advice comes in.

This EXACTLY. it’s our timeline while taking guidance from here - because let’s face it no two people or situation is identical. Even as similar as ours seems to be, you still have your experiences and me mine. For me I only judge myself and grab hold when I feel like I’m allowing it to interfere with my productivity or SELF happiness. I feel like as complicated humans we can be unhappy with the situation our H’s have led us in to but we can still be happy with ourselves. Both realities existing at the same time, with us as the gate keeper as to how much time we alot to each side.

I believe I can both be going through waves of sadness, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion related to H and be moving forward at the same time. I think there is a difference between getting permanently stuck in those feelings and recognizing them when they come and working to process them, which is, I think, a lot of what I do when I post here. I know some questions will never be answered, but I still want to voice them. I do tend to focus on H here, because this is the only place where people understand intimately the craziness I am going through. It's really helpful for me to have the repeated outside validation that 1) This is not normal; 2) I didn't cause it; 3) I can't fix it.

I whole heartedly agree with this, feel and behave the same way. For me, it’s Like you say living with them is a tricky game...especially now. It’s hard when you still care about the person to achieve TOTAL detachment. I like using the word compassionate detachment - for me that leaves personal space for me to keep things kind and loving from a safe distance for my mental protection. I too like ‘getting the thoughts out’ here which helps me to not lose it at home.

There's a lot of focus on rediscovering oneself on the boards, too. I get that. It's so easy to lose sight of who we are as individuals when we're in a long-term relationship, and this is even more challenging, I think, for mothers. I am not a mother, but I can empathize with that. I've never felt I lost myself in my M. I like to think I had and have a very clear sense of who I am. Of course I had shared interests with H, but I also had many of my own and still have them. I told my friend I was struggling with this: I don't feel like I need to rediscover myself, I said. I feel like I know who I am.

She said, "Maybe it's not about rediscovering yourself but about celebrating yourself."

I really liked that sentiment. I can continue celebrating who I am, reinforcing, as DnJ would say, my values and beliefs as I go. I'm trying.

Wow this has really helped me Cardinal. I’ve been struggling with the same thing. Trying to figure out what I don’t know about myself, how to rediscover, but I don’t feel lost and I too have always had my own identity and many hobbies out side of H. I really like changing that to celebrating ourselves!! = enlightening! Thank you (and your friend) for that.

Have you baked lately?
I made a crazy awesome batch of brownies ...like lava cakes they were sooooooo good. Nothing special just really good. ( prob the 2 cups of sugar) Hahaha!!!!!

[wooba]

I believe I can both be going through waves of sadness, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion related to H and be moving forward at the same time. I think there is a difference between getting permanently stuck in those feelings and recognizing them when they come and working to process them, which is, I think, a lot of what I do when I post here. I know some questions will never be answered, but I still want to voice them.

Totally agree with you here. It is important to process those emotions and not just sweep them under the rug. You CAN move forward but at the same time feel all those things. We are human. Especially for as long as most of us have been with our WASes, it would certainly take longer than a few months to "get over" it.

She said, "Maybe it's not about rediscovering yourself but about celebrating yourself."

I like this too! I think for me it's both. Going through this crisis opened my eyes about certain aspects of myself that I would not be able to see if this didn't happen. For that I am grateful.

What have you been baking these days?? I like to read about your adventures in the kitchen. lol!;)

[cardinal]

Would you believe I’ve now learned that my H too has started with the drug use...both edibles and vaping??? He’s bought a full store by the looks of it. Again someone who was disgusted by the frequent use of it in his industry. The reasonings behind Mlcr’s doing this make sense but it really is quite unbelievable...

Seriously? I can't believe it, but I can. I wonder what would happen if you put all the MLC Hs together in a house... like a Real World MLC series. Would they all talk about each other like they were rational but everyone else wasn't?

It's funny--I feel the longer this goes on (not sure if "this" is post-BD life or shelter-in-place or a combo of the two--probably a combo), I am having a harder time channeling what I want for myself, which is to respond with empathy and kindness and compassion. Kindly, I feel like you are very much living this way. I am living it but not always feeling it lately, if that makes sense. Reading Grace's comments about love being not a feeling but a choice, not given because someone deserves it but because they need it was really helpful. It all seems so clear and simple, but all the feelings that are coming and going in me lately don't feel simple.

I googled "surviving MLC" or something like that last night. I know I won't ever find any new info, but sometimes it is helpful to re-read some therapist's blog post or something, just to know it's all the same advice. Some stuff I clicked on happened to take a more negative view--that most marriages don't survive. I know the real answer is no one can know, but I am just finding myself in a more depressed place lately. I know I'm still afraid of the unknown future, and afraid that I won't have any semblance of old H in my life ever again. I still don't want to accept that. I still miss him. I still want a life with him in it, want him to grow through this. I still want to have hope, but it seems so unlikely.

Is it normal for this to seem more hopeless as the BD anniversary approaches, the first one especially? I tell myself the fact that it's been ten months is good, because time is passing and H is on his journey and I am on mine. We have both traveled in that time, though it might not be clear where yet. But I also feel that time passing is making our old life together less and less real. I know it's no less real--it happened, there was love and friendship. I know that, but I don't always feel it. Time passing also makes me feel like any future possibilities for us are less and less likely, but I don't think that must be true necessarily, because if it's MLC, what H needs is time before there could be any possible new R between us. That's why it's a marathon, right?

I'm also probably feeling extra down because H seems to be withdrawing more from me as his birthday approaches. I realize now how nice it was to be sharing food and having small conversations for the first few weeks of this. If anything, I know I can 100% expect periods of coldness or near-silence from H followed by periods of friendliness—I've gone through these cycles again and again! But it still gets me a little.

Reading Canbird's update made me really wish I could talk to H's mom about all of this. Not to get solutions, but just to have a connection with her again. Just to feel supported by her. And I guess I want to talk to her because (I hope) she would recognize and validate that there was love and friendship between me and her son too.

A baking update for Kindly and Wooba: I've been looking for recipes to use up my sourdough starter discard, so I've made a chocolate cake with it (I already want another), waffles, biscuits, and blueberry muffins. I'm getting ready to make bread and pizza dough next.

[cardinal]

Also I just want to tack this on in an attempt to practice compassion for myself:

It's okay that I am feeling lost and afraid. BD opened up many areas of uncertainty in my life, not just my M and R with H. I still haven't found a job that will make it possible for me to support myself, and so my creative self/work/career is up in the air. I had the very great freedom in my previous life to pursue creative work and PT paid work, and to accept awards of time and money to travel to do this creative work and further that part of my career precisely because my PT job made it possible to be away for weeks at time. The creative work is a large part of my identity that now feels lost too, though I realize it only feels like it's lost. I'll just have to trust I'll find a way to rebalance that part of myself with a FT job that will make it possible for me to pay rent and eat. Job listings have become sparse post-Covid, which worries me, but I know a lot of people are going through this. BD also opened up all of these questions about having children, and whether I will be able to do that. I said a couple posts back that I know who I am, but I also realize BD has disrupted parts of that identity that felt so solid before. All of this is to say I'm dealing with a lot of uncertainty in the best way I can, and trying to get better at it.