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Hello, just as FYI I’ve been on other forums so may story could be familiar to some. One site was basically dead and the other site just seems to be get a divorce move on.

A little back story, I met her when I was 20 and she was 17. We started dating 2 month’s later. We were engaged 6 months after that and married one year to the day when we started dating. I’m 36 now and she’s 33 and we have 5 wonderful children.

So here’s my story. March 6th I found out my wife was having an affair. I had a feeling for a little while that it was going on, and snooped until I could prove it. I found out she ordered a very expensive pair of male boots from an amazon account I knew nothing about on her credit card I did know about and it was sent to her work. She told me she wasn’t in love me anymore but would always love me, but really liked the OM and wanted to try with him. I asked if she loved him and she said she didn’t know.

My older children got home from high school and that’s when the proverbial crap hit the fan. My oldest daughter just turned 15 in December and had known since January this was going on. My W was manipulating her into hating me and liking the other man. She used my daughter to help meet up with him. Saying things like we are going to go to Wawa and get coffee etc but she was going to meet the OM with my daughter. My daughter witness the affair first hand. My daughter ended up getting so stressed about everything she started fainting and that was hidden from me too. Well I guess my daughter had enough, went into her moms purse told the other kids to go upstairs and she gave me the secret phone. My W without a word packed some stuff and left me with the 5 kids.

Since that night, my daughter has told me my wife’s plan was to leave around my birthday (this week actually) and take the kids without warning with the hope that I’d kill myself. My daughter can be a bit of a story teller and I’m not 100% if that’s true or if she’s trying to make me hate her. Through the phone I found out this was a full on affair emotionally and physically. It was bad. My W denies she ever said that, but honestly i really don’t believe much of what comes out of her mouth anymore.

So since that day, my youngest kids invited her to the Olive Garden 2 days later and she did show up. The next day they invited her to the park, and she did show up. The next weekend, so a week later, she invited all of us to lunch. We had a decent enough time every time. Since than she asked to see them 3x and no showed them twice. Yesterday was the first day she showed up to see them.

She only texts them in the morning to say hello, and will FaceTime them at night to say goodnight. Other than that she doesn’t make an effort with the kids. And we have had it out several times over her treatment towards them.

For the first couple of weeks I did everything wrong. The usual, what did I do wrong. I love you come back etc. for the last week I’ve kept it strictly about the kids and have rarely contacted her first. The 1st week of separation she said wanted space to figure out who she was. The 2nd and 3rd week she was firm on getting a divorce. If we talked I could hear the OM in the background and she actively used that as a way to try to rub it in my face. Than last week I told her on her day off she needed to take her name off our marital account. She has a checking, savings and money market account solely in her name. (Has for years this is a non issue) so she agreed. The day of, she calls me and tell me we can meet at the park to talk about custody etc and the bank account. I told her the park is 45 mins away. No. She got upset and she said she wasn’t ready for that. We talked on the phone for 2 hours and met at the park for 2 hours. Actually it was great and felt like nothing ever happened. She told me she’s been fighting with the OM about me. That she talked to nicely about me. She’s been sticking up for me to her friends recently and doesn’t understand why. She’s back to saying she doesn’t know what she wants.

Fast forward to yesterday she asks to see the kids. The 2 oldest at this point flat out refuse to have anything to do with her. The 2 middle kids want no part but my youngest really wanted to see her. My 2 middle went to support their younger sister. But none of them would go without me. She got angry about that. Saying they’re trying to manipulate the situation into her spending time with me in the hopes we would get back together. I told her she can either deal with me being there and we don’t have to talk or they aren’t coming. Period. So 30 mins later she calls back and kindly asks what we want for lunch and makes me pick something too. We go to the park and I proceed to ignore her. My 2 middle kids want nothing to do with her but my youngest had a fantastic time. It was really nice to see that actually. About 20 mins before we left I asked her if she was ready to take her name off the account. She gets mad and says well since i keep asking than fine. I told her if you’re not ready than fine but stop and be honest. So I do ask if she has decided if she wants a divorce she says she doesn’t know yet. I asked her if she wanted to hangout on my birthday and she said she’d think about it. (I honestly don’t believe she has any intention of hanging out as FYI. ) and we left it at that.

I know there’s a ton I’m missing but I’m sure more and more will come out as I post. Also as FYI me and the kids are in counseling. And I do have a lawyer on retainer just in case but I have made no moves legally.

Also during the affair nothing changed in terms of our routine. We still had relations regularly and she we cuddled every night. This really came out of nowhere. Who this person is anyway.

I do not want a divorce. Like at all. I’ve tried to convince myself it would be for the best, but for me I just don’t want it. She also won’t go to counseling and has basically zero effort to show any interest in fixing things. So I’m not sure what steps to take next.

Also I have exposed the affair to all friends family and even her job. I also have become friends with the OM wife. (And boy does my wife hate that). I know this is jumbled so if anyone has any questions or needs anything clarified don’t hesitate to let me know.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
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I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please read all of the homework links.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Me-66, D33,S32


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Joseph, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Originally Posted by JosephS
i really don’t believe much of what comes out of her mouth anymore.

Excellent start. DB's saying for wayward spouses is, "Believe 0% of what they say and 50% of what they do."

Originally Posted by JosephS
The usual, what did I do wrong. I love you come back etc.

She's obviously most in the wrong if she's having an affair and you have primary possession of the kids.

Originally Posted by JosephS
She’s back to saying she doesn’t know what she wants.

Very common. A lot is changing and she wants to preserve her options.

Originally Posted by JosephS
About 20 mins before we left I asked her if she was ready to take her name off the account. She gets mad and says well since i keep asking than fine. I told her if you’re not ready than fine but stop and be honest. So I do ask if she has decided if she wants a divorce she says she doesn’t know yet.

Pressure and Control. You can't force her to make choices on your timeline. You do control your choices and your timeline for taking actions. I do like where you've said "No" to some requests and "Yes" to others. That shows some strength and healthy self-esteem you're able to work from.

Originally Posted by JosephS
I do not want a divorce. Like at all. I’ve tried to convince myself it would be for the best, but for me I just don’t want it. She also won’t go to counseling and has basically zero effort to show any interest in fixing things.

If you're opposed to Divorce--even when your wife abandons you and the kids to live with another man--have you considered Legal Separation? I ask because filing puts restrictions on finances and custody that may be helpful for you whether you reconcile or not, such as preventing her buying huge vacations or gifts for OM or taking the kids. I know she doesn't want them now, but in six months that may change. Getting some of this documented may also put you on better footing later whether you end up reconciling or divorcing.

DB'ing is counter-intuitive because it focuses on building yourself up and moving on (with hope of reconciling) as opposed to any attempt to compete with OM and try to convince your wife to return.

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JosephS Offline OP
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There is no legal separation in my state unfortunately. Let me ask, it’s been a month. I know that’s not long, but for me it’s been an eternity. In the entire month I can only think of 3x she asked to talk to me. Once about her car and twice about the kids. How many of these types of situations actually result in a wife returning or attempting to return to their husband. The more I look at multiple sites and more grim this seems. I can find very few if any stories where a wife returns and actually tries. I mean there’s got to be some right?

She supposedly staying with her friend. And I tend to think she is because the background never changes when she does FaceTime, and I have heard the friend in the background. It’s just he’s allowed there ironically me and my kids have never been there. And they’ve been friends for 3 years.

I also forgot to mention, she basically told everyone she’s been done for years and I was abusive. She also told everyone at her work the OM W was crazy and had cheated on the OM 4x. So she actively did this in front of people while I look like an idiot. I am aware now this is all lies to make her look better and less like crap for her terrible behavior but it still does damage to my self confidence and esteem. I mean we weren’t perfect but nothing ever is and this is so extreme. As many others have said, I do not know this person that she’s become.

She also has claimed in the last week she’s been a wife since she’s 18 and doesn’t know who she is. She doesn’t know if she wants to return, be with someone else or just be single. I know I can’t believe anything she says, but
Idk. Sadly I’d wait how ever long it took. For me this woman is my soulmate. The last month the only thing that’s changed for me is I’ve learned to live without my best friend. But I’d do anything to get her back as a friend and wife. I can handle no contact (within reason, I.E keep the convos short and about the kids) but I know myself. All I’ll learn to do
is live without her. I watched my mom do it, and my aunt. They both got divorced in there late 30s and never dated again. Heck my W mom did the same thing. Is there actually hope one day she’s going to look in the mirror and realize what she’s done? Ruin the relationship she had with her kids and with a good man who always had her back? Or is this the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Ya know right before I hit post reply it hit me, on several occasions when we talked about the kids or whatever, she does manage to drag out a fairly long conversation with me like nothing happened. I can think of 3 times we were on the phone for 90 mins or more. I really got
to stop letting that happen. I’m just so happy during those times because it’s like nothing ever happened.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
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Joseph,

Sorry you are here. Your situation is tough but I will implore to look for the good in everything, even this.

Prepare yourself for court, document everything.

Protect yourself in all ways.

I'd drop the OMs wife as I'm sure it's not a very healthy friend to have anymore. What do you guys discuss? Prolly the same things over and over...

I would also not pursue your W anymore. Seeing as the kids live with you and she moved out there probably isn't much to discuss with your W either. You should continue reading other threads here and posting updates to yours as well.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Actually we don’t talk about what happened at all really anymore. She has 3 boys so she’ll ask for some advice on that. And I have 4 girls and 1 boy so I’ve asked her some advice on the girls. We give each other ideas on crafts and stuff we can do with the kids while everyone is in lock down. She’s given me recipes to try to cook for the kids. We actually get a long pretty well. Weird I know. We don’t talk everyday or anything like that. So honestly I think all things considered it’s a decent healthy friendship. But of course that is just my side of things.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 569
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JosephS Offline OP
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Last night the W called the kids on FaceTime. I was outside just sitting on the deck enjoying the stars, while the kids watched a movie together. Apparently my daughter finally answered and said just stop calling no one wants you to bother anymore. This was really out of character for my kid, so I asked her what was going on. Well she broke down and cried, doesn’t understand why mommy left her. What happened to her mom. Why doesn’t mom try to see or talk to them more than a text in the morning followed by a phone call at night. Idk if it was a mistake or it, but I figured it’s time to go to the source. I’ve asked all these questions myself and all I ever get is ignored or I’ll do better. Never does, but hey, why not let her daughter try. They’re counselor says they need to be more open with their feelings, so I call, she answers, I say you me youngest has some questions for you. They talk. She asks why can’t she have her old mommy back. The one who thought they were the most important people in the world. The one that was always there. Her mom actually gets mad at her and says it’s their fault because when she does text or call they don’t respond all the time. Then tell my youngest she has asked to see them but we fought so she wasn’t able too. I was floored. Well that was obviously a mistake. I took the phone immediately, and told her you aren’t going to blame a child for your actions. And you sure aren’t going to start lying when her sisters have texts proving you blew them off. And i immediately got blamed for treating her like she was stupid because I was calm. I’m not kidding, you can’t make this stuff up.

I really don’t even know where to begin with this person. I really don’t. I have no idea who this is. But on the bright side today I absolutely blasted music for 90 mins while making dinner and felt more like myself than I have in years. I know the peace I feel won’t last for long, but I really enjoyed it while it lasted.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
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Originally Posted by JosephS


She supposedly staying with her friend. And I tend to think she is because the background never changes when she does FaceTime, and I have heard the friend in the background. It’s just he’s allowed there ironically me and my kids have never been there. And they’ve been friends for 3 years.

I also forgot to mention, she basically told everyone she’s been done for years and I was abusive. She also told everyone at her work the OM W was crazy and had cheated on the OM 4x. So she actively did this in front of people while I look like an idiot. I am aware now this is all lies to make her look better and less like crap for her terrible behavior but it still does damage to my self confidence and esteem. I mean we weren’t perfect but nothing ever is and this is so extreme. As many others have said, I do not know this person that she’s become.

She also has claimed in the last week she’s been a wife since she’s 18 and doesn’t know who she is. She doesn’t know if she wants to return, be with someone else or just be single. I know I can’t believe anything she says, but
Idk. Sadly I’d wait how ever long it took. For me this woman is my soulmate. The last month the only thing that’s changed for me is I’ve learned to live without my best friend. But I’d do anything to get her back as a friend and wife.


JS,
So sorry this is what's happened to you and your kids. Especially around your bday. Mine is coming up soon too and it's hard. I am in the MLC forum and from what you say, she's felt like a wife since she was 18 and doesn't know who she is... do you think she may be going through early midlife crisis? I am asking because the crazy behavior is very similar to MLCers.

Of course, I can't say for sure, but if that's so, although DBing is still recommended, there are phases they all go through. It sounds like she's in replay and that could take a while. So patience is key.

Working on YOU for you and your kids is key. It's hard. Regardless of if our spouse is in MLC or a WAS, it's painful and devastating. We wonder who we married and how they could turn into this person... that the one we knew is being taken over by an alien.

For me, it helps to realize that MLC is basically like an illness. I wouldn't leave my spouse if he had cancer or some other deibilitating disease. Even if it means we have to be separated, I would want to support him and get the help he needs. But like they say in the airlines, we need to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help anyone.

There were things in your marriage that were probably red flags. What were they? Are you aware of what you can do to get back to you? What things did you put off or stopped doing? You need to get out and get a life. Self care and kid care is vital. Even sheltering in place there are plenty of fun things to do for you and your kids. You can take virtual tours of national parks, museums, etc. You can take free online classes. You can learn to dance salsa from YT.

So many things just for you. Try to focus on YOU and your kids. Your WS will do what she will do. She is not right in her mind. I sometimes imagine an alien has taken over my H's body. That even if he looks like my H when he is speaking or looking at me in a way that doesn't make sense, I remind myself it's not the real him.

Who knows if they will return? The best we can do is be the lighthouse and work on us.

Blessings!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
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Originally Posted by JosephS
She also has claimed in the last week she’s been a wife since she’s 18 and doesn’t know who she is. She doesn’t know if she wants to return, be with someone else or just be single. I know I can’t believe anything she says, but Idk.

Hi JosephS, well, her action of abandoning the kids aligns with MLC. Often the wayward spouse eventually wants the kids back--if not 50/50 custody then at least on paper for financial and social purposes.

Yes, the words--if she had no idea what she wanted, she wouldn't have started on this plan of cheating with the OM with your daughter present and making future plans with him. (I get your daughter's account may not be 100% reliable on the details.) Reality isn't aligning with her dreams, so I bet she's asking questions.

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Well she asked to see them today. That’s more in 4 day’s than 3 weeks. She started asking me questions like if we did end up filling for divorce would I give her trouble about her bank accounts just in her name. I told her no. I honestly don’t care about that. And I honestly don’t. She said her sister in law and friend is making her paranoid. She also did ask that maybe in 6 months if we aren’t back together if we could split the kids 50/50 without getting courts involved. I just said we’ll cross that bridge when it comes.

I did ask why are you talking to everyone besides me? She said she isn’t , they come to her and talk to her and make her feel pressured to do these things. I said that’s nice. My friends and family are supportive of whatever decision I make. I’m sorry she doesn’t have the same support system.

She did make a comment about her friends child waking her up and being weird about it. While the little girl won’t wake her up she just climbs into bed with her and goes to sleep. Well I’m not gonna lie, I could see the hurt on my kids faces when she said that, so I did say that’s nice, I get to wake up with my kids everyday. Why don’t you not talk about other people’s kids climbing into bed with you to sleep in front of your kids when you haven’t made much of an effort to see them. She just said sorry. I could tell I hurt her feelings.

Today’s visit was so weird. You could tell she felt awkward and not apart of the family anymore. I had my 3 girls sitting with me in the grass leaning on me talking to me and she sat 7 ft in front of us. I thought maybe if I put my airpods in and listened to music they could talk, nope, that gesture made the wife angry. She gives me a dirty look and says really?

The more I read about a MLC and affairs the more and more familiar it sounds. But the lying is so so so out of hand. I just wish I could fast forward a year. But I guess everyone does.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
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