Well I feel stupid. I was feeling good and optimistic after his email (I didnt respond or acknowledge it). I did well after work, we had supper, he took the kids to swimming and then my mom was taking them overnight. I was initially waiting for him to come home like always, but instead went for a bath. When he came in, I forced myself to stay in there longer. I went down after to feed the cat and he told me he was mad and that one of my friends told the wife of one of his coworkers/friends that we were separating and that he didnt want anyone at his work to know.
I remained calm and apologized that my friend told someone else. He reiterated that he didnt want work knowing and that he wasnt even planning on telling his counselor tomorrow.
I didnt apologize for telling my friend or try to explain or justify myself.
I did leave the house though. I needed to break down and wouldn't do it there. I knew something was coming because every time the girls sleep out, he reminds me that he still wants out.
I know not to believe what he says and half of what he does, but him saying he wasnt telling his counselor made me feel like I wasnt even worth mentioning Like our almost 2 decades isn't even a blip on his radar.
I keep telling myself that this is a long process, but my mind still dreams of him walking in the door and telling me he loves me. I dont know if I'm strong enough
Thanks for checking in on me. Things have been crazy with work and then all this quarantine business hit and things have been even crazier.
It all came to a head yesterday when he told me he found a place and asked again "You didn't think I changed my mind do you?" like he asks every month. He's able to do sweat equity in order to forgo first and last month's rent and asked to stay here until that happens. I told him I don't know. After thinking about it though, it will give me a bit more time to save up a better nest egg for when he's gone so hopefully I don't have to sell the house.
I think he feels guilty because this morning he offered to make me breakfast, cleared off my car, asked if I needed anything from the store etc
Good.
We still haven't told the kids. I still keep wanting to wake up from this. I didn't actually think he would get a place.
Obviously it's been impossible to get out and have a life, but I've been spending more time doing my hobbies in the house and taking time for me. His laundry is all piled up because I haven't done it in months.
I’m sorry you are here, dealing with this These kinds of mixed messages are insanely confusing and they can REALLY mess with your head. I know from LOTS of experience that reading into them and trying to decipher their meaning only makes it worse. Waaaay easier said than done, but the more you can just notice them and not assign meaning, the easier it will be on you. The way I get through them at this point is to tell myself in my mind “this means nothing”. Because honestly, as far as the LBS is concerned, it usually does mean nothing. That’s not to say that there is no reason he is doing what he’s doing, just that unless it comes with him telling and showing you he wants to reconcile, it’s immaterial.
I do so much self-talk that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy! I keep reminding myself to only worry about today, and believe nothing he says and half of what he does. He was listening to break up songs in the kitchen last night about not wanting to break up. I kept telling myself that I have been getting mixed messages for months. He knows that I want to work on out marriage so if he he wants to, he just has to talk to me. This is seriously so difficult right now, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. If I think too far down the road, I will lose it.
I'm trying really hard to project the happy carefree person - I do my hair and my makeup every day despite not leaving the house. I smile and use a calm voice.
I'm struggling with the whole distant but happy part. Do I initiate conversations? How do I respond when he's joking around and being flirty?
I also need help with the 180. I don't argue my opinion on things that don't matter (which I used to defend my position no matter what), I sit in the evenings (by myself) and do my own thing instead of constantly cleaning (easier since I'm home all day now) But his biggest issue with me was that I didn't initiate intimacy. Certainly can't do that now, do I just leave that one alone?
I also need advice - he has found a place and can work on it in lieu of first and last months rent in order to make it affordable. He wants to stay here while he does that. It would help me financially and give me more time to save up. We would split the finances and take him off the now joint account. I told him I needed to think about it. I have and it makes the most sense to do it that way. So do I wait for him to bring it up? Do I tell him? Can I do it in email?
I wouldn't initiate many conversations unless something funny or strange happens right in front of you and you crack a joke for example.
Leave the intimacy alone, but be subtly seductive IMO. You want him to want you, but you can't cave too soon just because he wants a little hanky panky either.
He wants you to move to a new place with him? Is that what you mean?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
He has switched his paycheque to his own account now and left me his card (which I cut up) and I've changed the online banking password. This keeps getting more and more real and I am sick to my stomach and destroyed. But I am home all day, every day with my girls and still need to work from home and take care of them.
I just want to wake up from this horrible dream.
I keep reminding myself that it isn't over until I decide I'm done. This is not a sprint but a marathon. I am strong. I am capable.
