Spent last night wanting to text/call and plead with him about giving our M more time. That's not good and not productive and is definitely a push behavior.
I didn't.
H will be coming this weekend to get his stuff. He hasn't seen me in 3 weeks. What will he notice? Will he even look at me?
I know I have to put my game face on and act "as if". I have to remind myself that any contact on his side has solely been about money.
Even last night he was contacting me about charges on the credit card and listed 2 stores, 2 gas, pet store and then he stated that my annual membership to X was on that card.
I responded that I had not been to the 2 stores, the pet store was 40lb of PUPPY food, and other PUPPY stuff, and then I said I had no idea that the membership was tied to that card - how much was that?
He stated the membership was $15 he thought and would double check. The pet store was almost $100.
He then came back and said the 2 stores were probably his cause they were from early March.
I later stated so I owe you $15 then.
I completely left out the pet store. I will see if he wants me paying for this puppy he states he is buying a house for.
He hasn't responded to my last text at all. Honestly it was dumb thing to contact over - you are coming after me for $15? I have been paying your cell phone and insurance.
But again - he isn't asking how I am. He frankly stated he doesn't care about me.
Your membership card is tied to his charge card...time to be proactive and contact that company and change your card number to the one that is in your name only. If you don't have a card in your name only, apply for one this week.
Yes, they actually do get uptight when they see charges on their card and yes, they want every penny that is charged whether it is 1 dollar or 15. Money is very important to them and once they've set their mind that they want out...it gets worse because they do not want to be responsible for anything that belongs to us. So, yes, I can see him getting a little bent out of shape over the 15 dollars. BTW, to him it wasn't dumb to ask about the charges.
You really do need to keep the focus on you. Yes, he will notice everything, but may not say anything about it. Are you going to have someone there w/you when he comes over? The reason that I ask is that you two tend to get into heated discussion over finances and this is one time you don't want to do it. Refer him to your lawyer and walk away from him, change the subject or go into another room, but don't discuss taking the lock down off of that account.
Don't hold your breath about him taking the puppy w/him. Many of them do not want that responsibility and will leave the animals w/the spouse and use that as an excuse to come see them.
Keep the focus on you, have your house in good shape, dress nicely, perfume on and have something baking in the oven that will provide a nice, warm smell in the home. You want him to leave w/positive thoughts of the home he is running away from. You don't want him to leave w/a lot of negative thoughts and run right to the ow who will stroke his ego and tell him what he wants to hear.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your membership card is tied to his charge card...time to be proactive and contact that company and change your card number to the one that is in your name only. If you don't have a card in your name only, apply for one this week.
Already done. The credit card is the main one that was used for EVERYTHING and I paid it off every month. There will probably be something else that will pop up along the way as well. It wasn't a conscious thing - I think deep down he knows that.
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Yes, they actually do get uptight when they see charges on their card and yes, they want every penny that is charged whether it is 1 dollar or 15. Money is very important to them and once they've set their mind that they want out...it gets worse because they do not want to be responsible for anything that belongs to us. So, yes, I can see him getting a little bent out of shape over the 15 dollars. BTW, to him it wasn't dumb to ask about the charges.
I do get that. And, it was funny when he started realizing the charges were actually his. He is still accessing my Amazon prime benefits that I pay for and accessing the Netflix I pay for. I've been paying his cell phone and insurance. But, I get it ---- HE WANTS OUT. He stated such in a text. He wants to erase me from existence and since we have no shared children he can.
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You really do need to keep the focus on you. Yes, he will notice everything, but may not say anything about it. Are you going to have someone there w/you when he comes over? The reason that I ask is that you two tend to get into heated discussion over finances and this is one time you don't want to do it. Refer him to your lawyer and walk away from him, change the subject or go into another room, but don't discuss taking the lock down off of that account.
I hope he does. I just got a compliment today on my weight loss. Of course during these hard times my hair is a hot mess --- definitely need a color boost and trim.
I for see him not even making eye contact with me.
My mom suggested not having him in the house. There will be plenty to do in the garage and attic. My mom actually suggested I just bag his stuff and move out stuff myself and tell him a time to pick up and then he isn't in the house/garage at all.
That probably is the smart move. But, then he doesn't SEE me at all. So waffling on that.
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Don't hold your breath about him taking the puppy w/him. Many of them do not want that responsibility and will leave the animals w/the spouse and use that as an excuse to come see them.
He can't take the dog yet - he has no place to live. He is just pulling out stuff from the house to move into storage.
But he hasn't talked about taking the dog in awhile. That's why I left the pet store stuff open ended - to see if he is "paying" for the puppy or he expects me too.
He has never used the dog as a reach out to make any contact AT ALL. He has never asked to come take the dog for awhile or walk the dog. If the dog stays he wouldn't use it as a reason to reach out if he hasn't already???
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Keep the focus on you, have your house in good shape, dress nicely, perfume on and have something baking in the oven that will provide a nice, warm smell in the home. You want him to leave w/positive thoughts of the home he is running away from. You don't want him to leave w/a lot of negative thoughts and run right to the ow who will stroke his ego and tell him what he wants to hear.
That fear almost paralyzes me... what he complains about me to her. Clearly before the PA he was sharing his thoughts and issues with our M. He said so clearly "she was there for him"... I didn't know what to say. I wish I had been there for him. I wish he would have never given up on me. I wish he had not gotten so burnt out.
I have to keep it good. He has to leave saying that was unexpected... hopefully leaving him confused but that of course is having expectations of which I can have none.
Good. Now why are you paying his cel phone and insurance? You've mentioned that at least a few times, it sure you're harboring some resentment over it. So tell him you are going to quit paying his bills by "X" date and he needs to get that stuff transferred to his own accounts.
I know the pettiness drives you crazy, but you've got to learn to let it roll off of you. Find your zen place!
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My mom suggested not having him in the house. There will be plenty to do in the garage and attic. My mom actually suggested I just bag his stuff and move out stuff myself and tell him a time to pick up and then he isn't in the house/garage at all.
That probably is the smart move. But, then he doesn't SEE me at all. So waffling on that.
It's only been 3 weeks, that's a blip on the timeline. I'm sure it seems like forever to you, but it's not long enough for him to look at you differently, or see you in a new light, or feel fondness for you again. Far too soon. So have ZERO expectations of any of that.
Your mom is right, you should pack up his stuff and put it in the garage or wherever for him to pick up. Don't be mean and throw it out on the lawn, be polite about it. But be firm. Send him a message that you're not Plan B, that your home is no longer his, that he is no longer welcome to come and go as he pleases, that you want your privacy and he needs to respect that. All of that will wake him up to the fact that he could lose you, that you may not be the safety net he thinks. Right now you have no value to him. Start setting these boundaries and he will start to see your value.
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But he hasn't talked about taking the dog in awhile. That's why I left the pet store stuff open ended - to see if he is "paying" for the puppy or he expects me too.
I said before that you need to give him an ultimatum on the dog. Take it or it goes to the shelter. I think your response was that you've bonded with the dog and want to keep it. I highly suggest you get the dog figured out now. If you want to keep it then tell him so, if you don't then tell him he needs to make arrangements to take it. You don't want to be his permanent dogsitter.
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He has never used the dog as a reach out to make any contact AT ALL. He has never asked to come take the dog for awhile or walk the dog. If the dog stays he wouldn't use it as a reason to reach out if he hasn't already???
A lot of WAS's just love to dump all the responsibilities of pets on their spouse and then just drop by now and then to play with the pets. All the fun with none of the responsibility. It also gives them a chance to check the LBS's place for signs of OP. Maybe your H isn't like that. I would still clarify who gets the dog though.
Also after reading the last few pages of your last thread- don't validate him when he's being disrespectful and abusive. Only validate when he's being reasonable, and expressing his emotions/ concerns/ worries about whatever is going on in his life. He is very fast to attack you and I think you said you turn "mousy" in response. This is a typical abuser/ victim relationship. The abuser attacks and lashes out, the victim cowers hoping to appease him and sooth his outburst, thus rewarding his abusive behavior. Please, please, please stop being a victim! You deserve so much more. I think in your case maybe you should just cut ALL validating for a while. No validation is better than misplaced validation, and I don't think you have the discernment yet on when to validate. When in doubt, don't.
I think I posted this to one of your threads before but you need to learn the "gray rock" technique. Here's a quick blurb from the 'net:
"One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don't feed their needs for drama or attention."
An energy vampire (like I suspect your husband is) feeds on ANY energy whether positive or negative. Gray rock is a great way to diffuse the negative interactions. Be businesslike to the point of boring in all discussions with him. He lashes out, you give him deadpan responses. He continues then state you will not be treated that way and he needs to settle down or you will hang up. He keeps it up you hang up. He calls back you don't answer.
I really hope you start taking some of this advice to heart. You are stuck in a repeating pattern with him (Michele's "cheeseless tunnels"). I know this is hard but start following our advice and I think you will notice a difference in your interactions with him very soon.
Also please listen to Job regarding using your lawyer as a shield. Your H keeps calling/ texting about the accounts and how you need to give him access. EVERY inquiry like this should get the same response- "that's strictly a legal issue, have your L contact my L about that."
Also after reading the last few pages of your last thread- don't validate him when he's being disrespectful and abusive. Only validate when he's being reasonable, and expressing his emotions/ concerns/ worries about whatever is going on in his life. He is very fast to attack you and I think you said you turn "mousy" in response. This is a typical abuser/ victim relationship. The abuser attacks and lashes out, the victim cowers hoping to appease him and sooth his outburst, thus rewarding his abusive behavior. Please, please, please stop being a victim! You deserve so much more. I think in your case maybe you should just cut ALL validating for a while. No validation is better than misplaced validation, and I don't think you have the discernment yet on when to validate. When in doubt, don't.
Yes, honestly he hasn't opened up about anything AT ALL. The only thing he did mention was that he had to put breaks on his truck for $700... it went by so fast I didn't validate like I wanted too.
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I think I posted this to one of your threads before but you need to learn the "gray rock" technique. Here's a quick blurb from the 'net:
"One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don't feed their needs for drama or attention."
An energy vampire (like I suspect your husband is) feeds on ANY energy whether positive or negative. Gray rock is a great way to diffuse the negative interactions. Be businesslike to the point of boring in all discussions with him. He lashes out, you give him deadpan responses. He continues then state you will not be treated that way and he needs to settle down or you will hang up. He keeps it up you hang up. He calls back you don't answer.
So I'm emotionless, business like... boring. But am I not supposed to be smiling, positive and upbeat so he sees I'm a woman only a fool would leave?
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I really hope you start taking some of this advice to heart. You are stuck in a repeating pattern with him (Michele's "cheeseless tunnels"). I know this is hard but start following our advice and I think you will notice a difference in your interactions with him very soon.
Difference in interactions with him very soon? In what way?
He will be here this weekend to get his stuff. He thinks all of it but its going to be too much to do in one sitting.
There will be no reason to have contact at all. The texts and phone calls will stop. He may get a lawyer and escalate to D as he has threatened... or it may ride out as Legal S. I don't know. I have no idea what he is thinking.
Difference in interactions --- like he will warm up to me? He is very checked out.
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Also please listen to Job regarding using your lawyer as a shield. Your H keeps calling/ texting about the accounts and how you need to give him access. EVERY inquiry like this should get the same response- "that's strictly a legal issue, have your L contact my L about that."
I do need to buckle down. I know. I'm afraid he will threaten to drop off me off his health care which I really need right now. As soon as D goes through me and my S18 will not have health care.
I wish I knew how to turn this around. Does he really want to go through another D?
As for the dog... I know he is mine. I just wanted H to man up to saying so.
I will love this dog and provide the best life based on my schedule. He is a highly pedigreed gun dog. Was supposed to be a hunting dog.
He is a beautiful athlete even at 6 months.
I'm looking into training for a gun dog. HOLY COW... watch me take up bird hunting to keep my dog stimulated. That would freak out H.
The last time we struggled in our M I did ask him to take me to learn to shoot a firearm. I didn't want my own (H has a to of hunting equipment) but I wanted to learn. He never made it a priority and I never nagged. He brought it up a couple of times but never made it happen.
I loved supporting H in his hunting but its not my thing. I even got used to watching hunting shows... a little boring but sometimes it was interesting and I would ask H questions. How funny if I go hunting with his hunting dog.
We will see how this plays out. The dog is gorgeous and completely bonded to me.
Last edited by job; 04/08/2003:05 PM. Reason: edited a word
H is blowing up my phone with texts this afternoon. No mention of the "money" I owe him from the credit card.
H:Saturday morning works best for me. Me: I'm working it will have to be Sunday... after 2pm Me: you will still need to call before the weekend H: Well I can do Saturday after 2 as well Me: Saturday after 5pm
H: Why wait so long Me: not sure I understand question H: You off at 2 you want me to wait till 5, why? H: when is next available moment I can get bike. H: and I will need to pick up my mail H: I can pick up the bike up tomorrow.
Well holy cow... he won't wait for my response. EXCUSE ME - you don't get to dictate my work schedule or when I am available to you.
AND, I offered the bike on Monday which was a beautiful day. I just made it clear that the bike cannot leave until we agree on a value of the bike (atty stated this). He blew me off and that he had plans... WTH... I don't have plans???
He is being very pushy. I get it that he is not working... therefore when I gave him over 24hr notice to get the bike on Monday he should have been all over that.
AND... the hardest part is I just want to say if he takes me for a ride he can get the bike... I KNOW THE WORST THING TO SAY EVER... but its what I want. At least I'm honest with myself.
H is blowing up my phone with texts this afternoon.
That's okay. His blowing up or not blowing up is for him to manage. If you "Hide Alerts" on your phone, you won't even see his blow-up until several hours later.
Originally Posted by KitCat
H:Saturday morning works best for me. Me: I'm working it will have to be Sunday... after 2pm Me: you will still need to call before the weekend H: Well I can do Saturday after 2 as well Me: Saturday after 5pm
Watch for shifting boundaries--you state it HAS to be Sunday, then agree to Saturday. This makes it hard for your ex to know which boundaries are real and which are negotiable. I also wonder if what you want to call him about could be stated in an e-mail. E-mails can slow down discussions when you're prone to get emotional. I believe you read CA_Hope's thread. That's where she's moving a discussion about co-parenting because she believes it's a sensitive and important topic.
Me: "Any day I'm in town is okay." Her: "I would prefer Day 0 [day I'm away] because blah blah blah" Her: "Day D1-D6 work for me." Me: "Day D1, D2, or D4 are best for me. Let me know when you select a time." Her: "Blah blah blah" Her: "Blah blah blah" Her: "Blah blah blah" Her: "So day D1. Is Time T okay?" Me: Thumbs-up.
Originally Posted by KitCat
H: Why wait so long Me: not sure I understand question
You don't need to humor WHY questions. It's like scheduling a root canal. The dentist's assistant doesn't need to know WHY you want a Saturday (because you want to save your PTO day that pay period for a trip to Vegas with an old college boyfriend) she just needs to know you're free Saturday 1-3pm.
Set aside emotions. He wants bike. You want bike valuation (attorney recommendation).
E-mail: "Kelly's Blue Book says bike Harley H1 from year 1999 with 30,000miles in GOOD condition is worth $4,500 (private seller value). Photos show scratches and corrosion by the battery so I think it's worse than VERY GOOD, but there are no prior accidents and no dents so it's better than ACCEPTABLE condition."
Text: I e-mailed you my valuation of the bike--$4,500. Do you agree? If you do, say yes, and I can put the bike outside either at 7-10am or 5-9pm tomorrow.
