Wow - everybody seems to have an opinion about Andrew’s relationship - even those who haven’t really braved relationships themselves in quite some time.
yes. as someone who hasn't met anyone who flips my skirt, i fall into that category. however, it is very easy to see something amiss from a distance rather than when you're in the middle of it.
Originally Posted by kml
I’d say some of the things people are seeing as negatives - such as taking on a 13 year old boy who lacks a memory of a truly stable home - are actually positives in Andrew’s eyes, an opportunity to be of service. As a middle-aged somewhat persnickety homebody with a bad ticker (love ya Andrew!)
there are no perfect relationships.
Originally Posted by kml
Is it a risk? Heck yes. But as many of you have expressed, living together will be the trial by fire. Either it will all work out - Andrew enjoying domestic life instead of a lonely empty nest, and someone who will nudge him out of some of his more persnickety ways - or it will blow up.
I get the feeling Andrew’s enough of a grownup to handle it if things don’t work out - and he’s working with S on the communication skills they will need to make this work.
I think Andrew posts here because he wants feedback, even though he may grumble about it. I comment in an effort to bolster Andrew 2.0, because I don't want to see him default back to how he was in his marriage. That made him unhappy, but sometimes we humans fall back to what is best known and most comfortable in an effort to keep the peace. Sometimes the best way to keep the peace is to raise a little h3ll first. Oi Oi Oi!
Originally Posted by kml
I’m rooting for the upside - a family happy to find safe harbor with a thoughtful and disciplined man. A woman sufficiently thrilled to be with a caring mature man that she can heal her wounds and blossom into a wonderful partner.
That would be a wonderful way for this to go, and what I'm sure we all hope for Andrew, S and all concerned.
Originally Posted by kml
None of us is perfect. Love isn’t easy. We hear the things Andrew is hesitant about but he shares less about the joyful things. That doesn’t mean they’re not there.
Maybe now that we’ve all put our two cents in, we should give Andrew a little space to take some risks in his life.
agreed
Originally Posted by kml
Just hold firm on that prenup, Andrew, ok?
AMEN!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Wow, blunt and perhaps harsh, and look who is saying this, but I can’t disagree. Actually, I don’t think anyone here would disagree. But I would add that it’s not healthy because S is not healthy. She has once again jumped from one man to the next without doing any work on herself. She’s just expecting this time to somehow be different. That’s the really sad part here as Andrew can only work on and change himself, he can’t change S.
This here has always been my sticking point: has S sufficiently learned from past relationships? Andrew, love, only you can figure that out. You're in this day in and day out. If S has taken or IS CURRENTLY TAKING the time to learn, heal and change patterns from the past, then you guys have a great shot at beating the stats. If not, it could become a very bumpy ride in short order. Is S self aware? Is S introspective at all? You've not given me any reason to think she is, but that doesn't mean she isn't. How would you honestly answer my question, Andrew? Do you think she's self aware enough to have made necessary changes in her approach to relationships? Do you think she's sufficiently open to change and compromise in your relationship?
Again, babe, only you have the inside track on these answers. What I really like though is that you're posting here things that are niggling at the back of your mind, stuff that's not quite - - sitting ok with you, for lack of a better way of phrasing it. And, you're allowing feedback that has to be hard to read at times. I'm glad you know it's all from a place of love and concern.
Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by exquisitetobe
In my eyes, you are worth way more than what you are getting out of this relationship!
Once again, I don't think there is anyone here that would disagree.
While I don't disagree, I do have to ask a question that I've been dying to ask for quite some time: Andrew, what ARE you getting from this relationship, because you wouldn't be in it if you weren't getting something from it. I think many of exquisite's points are worth a second look. xoxoxo
I'll shut up now.
love you Andrew xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks all and as always kml for being my cheerleader when the 2x4s give me a headache.
Bttrfly - to answer your question, S is I believe being quite thoughtful about what has worked and not worked in previous relationships. She reads a lot of relationship books I know and has asked that we read one together although it turned out that we both (she first) agreed that the last one (name redacted as not DB) was a bunch of acronyms and nonsense.
We've talked and for her, a lot of things that she let slide, especially not having a voice about her environment or input into finances she's choosing to assert herself in ways she never did before. I have from secondary sources (her kids) that this was indeed the case.
She has a history of trying to make a relationship work even in the face of difficulties. Historically to her detriment but it gives me the confidence that she won't bail at the first argument. And it also gives me the confidence that she is willing to adapt and be flexible while as I mentioned above working hard on making sure that she isn't lost in the process or just turned into an appliance.
So - yes - she is deliberately working to break the patterns of previous unhealthy relationships. On my side, I am working on being more flexible than I might be which can be a challenge being - ahem - persnickety
As far as what she brings - that's pretty obvious to me. She has a kind heart which has gotten her into trouble more than once rescuing stray cats and kids. I won't have anyone in my life who isn't kind. She also gets me out of what I call the groove I've been wearing in the carpet. Doing the same thing each day and not exploring the wider world around me. She has a different way of looking at things that opens my eyes and an overlapping but distinct set of interests that add to the richness of my life. She has practical skills that will reduce the load of a number of the day to things that take up my time and don't necessarily add Joy to my life. And as a special bonus and certainly not part of the requirements shall we just say - booty booty booty
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You are the one that is in it every day, only you truly know what you are experiencing.
I think the fear from my end is that you have everything to lose and she has it all to gain. Especially at the light speed this has happened in. It makes me question her intentions, especially with a young child involved.
The Doc's XH moved a woman in right after they got Divorced with her two kids. She used him to get back on her feet and then she dumped him, left him broken hearted. Granted they didn't get married so he didn't lose everything but he still dipped into his savings account, sold stuff and used his monthly income to help assist her along the way. He even gave his son's bunkbed to her two kids and made the Doc's son go sleep in another room. I guess the poor kid was beside himself.
That said I have been dating the Doc for over a year and haven't proposed. My experience could impact how I think about your situation. I have two young kids at home so I imagine some of my views on it come from my own beliefs. Others past experiences could as well and the advice they give.
Thanks all and as always kml for being my cheerleader when the 2x4s give me a headache.
Bttrfly - to answer your question, S is I believe being quite thoughtful about what has worked and not worked in previous relationships. She reads a lot of relationship books I know and has asked that we read one together although it turned out that we both (she first) agreed that the last one (name redacted as not DB) was a bunch of acronyms and nonsense.
We've talked and for her, a lot of things that she let slide, especially not having a voice about her environment or input into finances she's choosing to assert herself in ways she never did before. I have from secondary sources (her kids) that this was indeed the case.
She has a history of trying to make a relationship work even in the face of difficulties. Historically to her detriment but it gives me the confidence that she won't bail at the first argument. And it also gives me the confidence that she is willing to adapt and be flexible while as I mentioned above working hard on making sure that she isn't lost in the process or just turned into an appliance.
So - yes - she is deliberately working to break the patterns of previous unhealthy relationships. On my side, I am working on being more flexible than I might be which can be a challenge being - ahem - persnickety
perfect. as long as you both are mindful and keep working to change and evolve. That, to me, is key. Are you still going to couples' counseling? That might be a good short term help as you navigate the new living arrangements. Anything to promote success.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
As far as what she brings - that's pretty obvious to me. She has a kind heart which has gotten her into trouble more than once rescuing stray cats and kids. I won't have anyone in my life who isn't kind.
Bravo, Andrew!!! (again, this is about you, and your changes)
Originally Posted by AndrewP
She also gets me out of what I call the groove I've been wearing in the carpet. Doing the same thing each day and not exploring the wider world around me. She has a different way of looking at things that opens my eyes and an overlapping but distinct set of interests that add to the richness of my life. She has practical skills that will reduce the load of a number of the day to things that take up my time and don't necessarily add Joy to my life. And as a special bonus and certainly not part of the requirements shall we just say - booty booty booty
Ok, I know you say she has practical skills, yet all your posts show a woman who starts something and has you finishing it. I hope that isn't a trend, and merely examples you've chosen to share here.
I am going to be a lady and refrain from commenting on the triple booty.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You are the one that is in it every day, only you truly know what you are experiencing.
I think the fear from my end is that you have everything to lose and she has it all to gain. Especially at the light speed this has happened in. It makes me question her intentions, especially with a young child involved.
I do not question her intentions as it is pretty clear to me that she earmarked Andrew as hubby #4 early on. I do question the speed. It bothers me, a lot. I do question some other stuff. No need to repeat here. And I don't need the answers. Andrew does, as you pointed out J, he's living it, not us.
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
The Doc's XH moved a woman in right after they got Divorced with her two kids. She used him to get back on her feet and then she dumped him, left him broken hearted. Granted they didn't get married so he didn't lose everything but he still dipped into his savings account, sold stuff and used his monthly income to help assist her along the way. He even gave his son's bunkbed to her two kids and made the Doc's son go sleep in another room. I guess the poor kid was beside himself.
well doesn't that explain a whole heck of a lot about this poor kid and his behavior!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You might be right, as I used to think it was because he is adopted. His dad and the lack of involvement in his life could be the major factor here. He is needy, clingy and tells his mom about 10 times a day randomly that he loves her. He also hangs out in her bed all day long also watching TV on the side she sleeps. The kid is almost 9 and still talks baby talk. I guess he thinks it cute or his way of getting attention IDK.
If he comes up to me and asks me for something in baby talk I don't respond unless he asks me a legit question in a normal voice......smh. When he does it I just look at him.
