I wondered if I would start a new thread or not. Not that I have any substantial issues with the feedback, most of which comes from a place of caring and concern, but because there's not really a lot to say. job - if you don't mind doing the back-linking, I would appreciate it.
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Rise up this mornin, Smiled with the risin sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:) Singin: don't worry bout a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin: don't worry (dont worry) bout a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right!
Another gorgeous day starting here. S is going to be coming by this afternoon and help me strip. Wallpaper. Yeah - wallpaper. Absolutely. The wallpaper in the front bedroom in fact.
She came to dinner last night - brisket roast, mashed potatoes, veg, fresh buns (she couldn't have them), (store bought) gluten free cake for desert and sparking juice to accompany. I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink for about a week now and intend to keep that up at least until the end of my vacation. I miss the habit and the tang of that first cold beer after working hard. Regular cider seems to be hitting more or less the same spot for now. Not missing the after-effects.
S17 was supposed to come to dinner but didn't as he went straight to bed after work. He's been putting in a lot of hours at the grocery store and I don't think that he really cares one way or another about coming out here.
S offered to help with dishes but I demurred and we sat and visited for a while while S25 attempted to take the dog for a walk. The dog didn't want any part of it surprisingly preferring to sit on the couch with "Mom and Dad". S25 ended up going on his walk by himself.
When I sent S her good-night message I added in a bit of self-discovery that might help her understand some of how and why I do what I do. I said "I am sure that you think it weird, but I do love that time when everyone is fed and happy and I can put the kitchen back together. It's very satisfying." And it is. I love that time of the day that most people would regard as an odious chore and one that they would want to get over with as quickly as possible drafting in whatever help they can get. I do enjoy doing it with S but in some ways I prefer to do it on my own. Says something about me I suppose.
S brought in a favourite mirror of her's which has replaced another mirror that was in the hallway. It hadn't been hung at her apartment and kept being in the way. It looks nice. S25 helped me attempt to hang it and then gave me eye-rolls telling me that I shouldn't be bothering putting it up because there are renovations happening. It turned out that the hook on the wall was too big so I had to go to the shop and fabricate another one that worked fine.
S and I spent a bunch of time talking about decorating and I think are finding common ground. My preference is for bright, cheerful and functional. I've been firm on and S agrees with (although I think it's hard for her) that we want to keep the spend down so things like replacing the kitchen counter which is just fairly new are off the table and we just have to decorate around that. Also the original red oak trim throughout the downstairs is similarly to be kept as is. I am confident that she is very aware that despite me having a good income that there's not a bottomless well of money to do things. We save first THEN we spend and on things that matter. Despite the low interest rates, I have no interest in going into debt for decor. S is used to operating on hand-me-downs and no money so hopefully things will go smoothly now that there is actually a budget available. She is well aware though that there are a "lot" of things where that budget needs to be prioritized to and we've talked about them.
Little to my surprise, the plans with S17 continue to be vague and uncertain. I'm assuming that he'll end up here rather than in with his friend. It's all out of my hands and because of the current social conditions going on out there, his plans may fall down. It's still a (fairly short) while away though so we'll see. As seems to always be the case, there's a lot of moving parts both known and unknown. S and her family tend to operate on the "let's wing it and hope for the best" system so I need to be adaptable.
I'm currently convinced that S25 is planning on moving in with his mother. I asked how the apartment hunting was going and got an eye-roll so severe that it must have hurt as he explained to the "thicky Dad" that undoubtedly people weren't renting apartments right now. But at dinner he commented on what inventories of kitchen stuff etc that he had found and packed. He's been rummaging around in his room and the one other closet where he's got a lot of stuff sorting and organizing for the last few days. He's not told me anything about his plans which is fairly typical when it involves his mother. Other than her, he's very open about everything. I do laugh remembering when he moved in here, that neither his mother nor I knew what was going on to the point where his mother texted him as we were driving here to move him in asking where he was going to be living.
I did tell him that I have a dump-run planned for later this week to toss some of the furniture that 20S left here (with her permission) along with some stuff from S's apartment and that if he had anything to just toss it into the utility trailer. He possibly has some stuff.
I think that his current attitude is an off-shoot of interacting with his mother. He's usually like this after being around her. I expect that she has little respect for me still - after all OM must be absolutely fabulous in comparison Assuming history repeats, or at least rhymes, I'm sure OM is being thoroughly put in his place. Kinda makes me feel sorry for him, but then he (and she) brought it on themselves. I can't know any of this for sure of course but imagining that there is little joy in Mudville makes me feel a bit better. I'm certainly glad that I'm not stuck here with her.
In other news, it will be S's 52nd birthday on 1st of May. I contacted our mutual friend who ran the bakery around the corner and is still taking orders for pickup to make a cake. I then reached out to all her kids except for S13 who isn't on social media to let them know that I was planning on organizing a celebration, that it wasn't a secret and that I looked for their input.
Her D25, who if the army ever needs a field-marshal could probably do that along with everything else she does, was very keen, volunteered to do decorations and to organize "the kids" into getting their Mom a present. I said that I was planning on getting S a nice BBQ, something we've talked about.
I mentioned it to S last night and she was surprised and very pleased. She said that this is the first time "ever" that a partner has organized a birthday for her and that in the past she's either had to do it by herself or D25 has done it for her including one surprise party organized by the then D13 which was rather too much of a surprise for her . It should be a good time. I told the kids that we'd use Skype or similar to include those who are unable to physically be here especially her son in Australia and to keep the number of people who mingle in and out down. So her friends and Dad certainly won't be involved which is sad.
We did discuss Easter dinner. Not something S normally does. We don't know if we should/could invite any of her kids who aren't living with her. I have a small duck plus 2 hams of different sizes. She's going to talk to her kids and see. With her, the two boys and S25 that makes 5 which is the limit. And her youngest is still out with his Dad and surprisingly all seems to be going smoothly. It makes sense to leave him there as he can get outside which he can't do at the apartment. So he might not be coming.
Relations with S have gotten back on a positive footing. I think that she is comfortable again even though we've taken a bit of a step back. The fact that I've made a move-in commitment with a specific date, while that's not her way of doing things, she has confidence that I'll meet that commitment. While in many ways I like having her here, I'm intending on enjoying my "me" time. If S25 does move out - which I sort of put as happening this week despite the lack of corroborating evidence - then I'll have about a month of just me in the house the greater amount of the time.
Given the speed that everything is changing though, who knows what will happen with anything.
Stay safe all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm not good with cyber hugs or attaboys. I tend to be too direct and too opinionated. Sadly I don't dislike these things about myself enough to change them entirely.
Andrew, you must continue to post. People like you who share their thoughts, feelings, struggles, missteps and triumphs are the tapestry of a place like this. Without people willing to be vulnerable and share, there would be no one here to read, encourage, learn and care about. I've learned so much from you and your struggles. I've watched your sisters KML, bttrfly, Ginger, and Dawn tell you off again and again because they love you and care about you. I usually agree with almost everything they say. Job, the mother of us all, is always looking out for you, and Don is the crabby uncle who delivers the necessary punch every once in a while to keep everyone on track. I've learned from all of you. I don't think I've told you guys that before, but you give me so much hope for the other side of this mess.
Andrew I've seen you pout and run off on being told things you didn't like and then I've seen you calmly reflect and take action. This post above proves that. I truly believe I've witnessed the process of someone healing, becoming a better person, a better partner, and a better father. I have so much hope for your future and your happiness and that of your son and daughter, and S13 (who I confess I'm falling in love with here through your words). I'm rooting for all of you.
Fundamentally, I think the thing that draws the people who come here and stay is that we believe that change is possible and that people can make better lives and better relationships. Have you been a doormat in the past? Sounds like it. Have you been desperate for love? Looks like it. Does S have a trainwreck of a history with men? Sounds like it. But you know that stuff, you see it now, and you don't have to repeat it--you really don't. She doesn't have to cut bait and run the minute it gets hard and unpleasant and you don't have to bend, and bend, and bend until you can't bend anymore.
Will it last forever? Who knows? This virus should have taught us all that there are no guarantees. Just live your life. Every day. Find something wonderful in every day, even if it is a great meal, a cold beer, or a real conversation with another flawed soul. But keep posting, keep sharing, keep teaching. You are a real individual Andrew. We don't get to see that too often.
Well, as any good sister would do, I feel like I have to “tell you off” (OwnIt’s words) but it is from a place of care and concern. So, in that vein, I will start by saying I agree with everything OwnIt said. I’m so glad you and S seem to have worked through something. I’m also glad S25 is looking at options even if that option is going to the other parent’s home. This crazy world right now doesn’t offer him a lot of housing opportunities. Bravo to you for taking charge of S’s birthday celebration. Sparky did that for my 50th and I so appreciated it.
Now, having said all that, let me get to the tell off part. Andrew, you are a wise man. Please, for the love of your friends and family, DO NOT have an Easter dinner that includes S’s non live in kids. Now is not the time for these things. You know how close I am to my family and it is not easy for me to say that but right now staying in and away from people you don’t live with is the best strategy. I know you want to see and spend time with S, but y’all really should think about staying put away from each other.
I’m not a conspiracy theorist nor a hoarder nor a crazy person but I’m taking this stay home and stay away from people you don’t live with thing seriously. The longer people don’t take it seriously, the longer we are going to be saddled with this crazy scenario we are in the middle of. Call her on the phone, text, h3ll...write her a letter, but PLEASE think about closing the revolving door on your house for the health and safety of everyone involved.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
thank you OwnIt. FWIW, Andrew, I was to host Easter dinner this year, for 12 or 13. About three weeks ago, my cousin and I had a consult because she needed to start on the home made raviolis (a family tradition) if we were still going to gather. We opted to not do so this year, and this was before things escalated to the current state of affairs.
This is no joke, Andrew. I had an hour long conversation with a friend who is an ICU nurse. She says this virus eats lung tissue. Zoom, Skype, etc are fine ways to get together in these uncertain times. It's not forever and you can have an Easter dinner in a few months, if the spirit moves you.
We are having a family party as soon as we get the all clear (probably just in time for Hallowe'en, rme), and not a moment before. In the meantime, safety first.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes, bttrfly! We’re postponing our family Easter and my beloved nephew’s college graduation party indefinitely because we are just not taking any chances. This is not something to play with and is definitely not the time to be hosting gatherings of any size, at least not in person.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My family has postponed several birthday celebrations, college graduation party and Easter.
I totally agree, now is not the time to have people over. God forbid if you get the virus...what then? Even though S and her family appear to be healthy...any one of them could be a carrier. Her S17 is working in a grocery store, whereby he is around people all day long. Anyone who is out there working right now...creates a concern for me....why? Because they are being exposed more so to the virus than those who stay at home and are attempting to distance themselves socially for a period of time.
I know you have your heart set on Easter dinner...but we are all attempting to socially distance ourselves. We are all in this together and we all want to see our loved ones and friends healthy and safe during this crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I often joke to myself that for some reason women in my life are very protective of me, like an idiot child who probably shouldn't be allowed out on his own but for some reason is wandering around .
I do agree that a more muted Easter dinner is called for. A roast duck perhaps. Not sure if either of the boys will be attending and S17 hasn't been too interested in being here anyway.
Just a bit of a rant about the state of the world right now while I'm on this rather boring conference call (yes, he's on vacation too).
There is a marked increase in petty crimes, at least in my hearing about them in recent times. Thefts of all sorts and including a sort of home invasion a couple of villages over. I have also gotten an upswing in contacts from what appear to be young ladies who can't afford a lot of clothes. If this is happening here, I'd hate to think what's happening in more urban centres. I moved the bicycles from the easy to access front shed to a back one just in case. Sadly nobody has any interest in stealing 20S's furniture on the curbside so I'll need to haul it to the dump later this week.
I do believe that some malls have taken steps in recent times to prevent looting. Sigh - I really hope we as a society aren't going down this path.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Assuming history repeats, or at least rhymes, I'm sure OM is being thoroughly put in his place. Kinda makes me feel sorry for him, but then he (and she) brought it on themselves. I can't know any of this for sure of course but imagining that there is little joy in Mudville makes me feel a bit better. I'm certainly glad that I'm not stuck here with her.
. It should be a good time. I told the kids that we'd use Skype or similar to include those who are unable to physically be here especially her son in Australia and to keep the number of people who mingle in and out down. So her friends and Dad certainly won't be involved which is sad.
Thanks OwnIt and others.