She did handle it well, seems a bit distant but I guess that is some what expected. Not sure what she had worked up mentally in her mind but us moving in together and getting married won't happen soon as I can't have my daughters struggling with the process. Her son also has a lot of adjusting to do as well not only emotionally but mentally. He is going to be challenge and is very immature.
I have heard of the show but never seen it. He is a very smart kid, speaks Spanish, good with his studies, the Doc makes him recite scripture nightly at bed time so to his credit he is whip smart. The downside is all the other stuff. Again not mean or hateful, not one of those little punks that would push a girl down or anything like that. I have also seen him be really sweet as well. Again he is probably struggling but doesn't verbalize like my daughters do. Being around us and me specifically is new to him.
Yeah the Doc's XH spent about 1.5 months in ICU. His heart was failing and he ended up getting a dual heart and kidney transplant. He has a history of heart disease in his family. He just got out of the hospital about 2 weeks ago. So outside of 2 or 3 hospital visits and a few Facetime calls her son hasn't spent in time with his dad in over 3 months. His Grandma was also a big part of his life as well and he hasn't been able to see her either due to the Pandemic. The Doc's sister hasn't been able to come to town also who he would see at least once a month and now that there is no school he is completely out of his normal routine.
I'm glad the conversation went really well but something tells me you are not out of the woods yet buddy lol. Type As take a lot of pride on how they raise their children. You're in a tough spot for sure because you are trying to do the right thing but also need to look out for the best interests of your daughter. Your kids are very young so that makes it tough too. I have a feeling why study's show that when they ask divorce people if they are happier 5 years down the majority are not happier and wish they would of tried harder because this stuff is difficult . As far as post D relationships with kids you are the best we have and it seems challenging. Andy's does not look fun but that's an entire different story.
As long as marriage isn't an urgency I'm sure you will figure it out.
Well me trying harder would have been violating DB principals and I would have chased, etc. The XW would of had to be the one to try harder which wasn't something she was interested in so here we are
The good thing is that she knows he is a handful. She is aware that his personality is difficult which is essentially if I am not happy no one else is happy. It just gets amplified when we are around since that puts him in a position of having to give and take. She picks and chooses her battles and really her nanny is the one that handles most of it since the doc really only is with him maybe 2 hours a day during the week.
Difficult for sure however the good thing is that I have no problems telling her and having the convo. I was diplomatic but I was honest with her about what daughters expressed to me.
The challenging part is the kids. Two adults with no kids at home not a big deal. Much more to navigate with young kids at home which is why I think most people who get divorced with young kids choose to casually date or not date all together until their kids are out of the house.
Truthfully...the doc lives 2.8 miles away. I would be perfectly fine just doing what we are currently doing for a long time. Besides she has so much on her plate right now getting married she be the last thing on her radar. She is freaked out about 100% of the time and stressing over all of what is happening right now. Then add in her XH, her kid, etc. and it is just icing on the cake.
I often told my kids that if I can't be a good example then at the very least I can be a horrible warning.
Keep doing you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think the XW enjoys her alone time without the girls and she has her BF to take care of her primal needs. Outside of her financial issues she has the perfect set up.
The Doc is locked in on my and has pulled no punches in letting me in know that I am her chosen one. I am in no rush and this could take years to happen. We HHH pretty well and neither one of us put pressure on each other. She will mention something every now and then but for my part her life needs to be a little less chaotic and she needs to be more secure with her practice. I think the entire time we have been dating I have not seen her in a normal state of just living and enjoying life.
Her son sounds like my son. My son is super impulsive though. I don’t know if it’s an only child thing, a spectrum thing, a gifted child thing (not saying this to sound pretentious - high IQs come with really difficult behaviors and emotionally/socially immature kids ). or a lack of male role model thing or what.
It’s an issue I’m experiencing as well with my BF and his older kids. My son can be annoying. He wants to connect so badly but he struggles and ends up just annoying them. I leave just wanting to cry because I’m so frustrated with my sons behaviors - plus I deal with it without a nanny or much help. I have exploded on my son, tried positive reinforcement, spoke with social workers etc. I have told my son that he is annoying people because it gets so bad and I don’t want him to be rejected but then worry about hurting his self esteem too. I even had my son go back and watch videos of himsel with other people and he even admitted he was being annoying - but nothing works!
It leaves me in a tough position - because I love my son so much - but I’m scared about how we will blend as a family too. I think we are different in that my bf seems to be more ready for blending families then you are presently.
Anyway - I don’t have answers. Just a similar experience from the other side. . We tried a counselor but good ones are hard to find and we are still gonna look after this mess. I know I try to limit the time they spend so his kids aren’t too overwhelmed, but the counselor seemed to advise to get them together more so they are used to each other and don’t view each other as a threat.
Sounds about the same J.....her son is very intelligent as well but extremely annoying. Has a complete melt down if he doesn't get his way and if you tell him the sky is blue would argue with you that it is green. It really is exhausting and the Doc knows it as well and has had the same conversations as you have. He will run up to her and say things like "Give me all of your hugs!" "Give me all your money!". Then he will talk in baby talk and just do really annoying things. I have also seen him be territorial with her and has tried to to be difficult towards me. One day I got up to get some coffee and he moved in next to his mom and wouldn't let me sit back down. Crap like that.
I do think if my kids were older it wouldn't matter to them however since they are all the same age (roughly) he wants to play and interact with them and vice versa. They are just trying to feel each other out. He just doesn't really know how to be social though and is actually probably better off as an only child.
If my daughters were not expressing these negative thoughts and emotions to me it might be a different story or at minimum it may speed things up a bit. I think they are tired of him being around. My youngest told me that they just wanted to hang out with me and spend time together with the 3 of us. My oldest asked me what should they do when he runs off and cries? They have both expressed the desire to not move from our house as well. Also questioning why me and their mom can't work it out and try again. My daughters have also spent a ton of time around him as well since he has spent several hours during the day with me while I am working at home. Again it saves the Doc money and the stress of finding someone to watch now that school is out.
My daughters come first though. I still believe they are going through an adjustment period. All of them need to be more comfortable with each other and it's just not there yet. Maybe it will never be and if not then that could be a sign that maybe it's not meant to be. The kids need to be able to get along with each other and if they don't it would place stress on our relationship.
Kudos to you for stepping up for your girls and letting the Doc know. I am sure this is hard on all three kids. That poor boy sure has been through a lot of turmoil as well. A lot of his pillars have been removed given that he can’t see his dad nor his grandmother.
Dating post marriage with kids is hard. I don’t think the age is always the only factor. I am learning it is personalities no matter the age. I am dating a guy who is 10 years post divorce. I am the first woman he has dated seriously and introduced to his kids, now 17 and 19. He purposely did not date in order to focus on his young kids.
Going into this, I would have thought a 17 and 19 year old would be ready to see their dad date. The 17 year old and I hit it off well. We always have. He is a boy and very good natured and well adjusted. The 19 year old is a daughter who clearly is not ready to accept her dad dating anyone. She told her aunt (bf’s sister) that she did not like that I took time from their relationship even though most of the year she was at college. Now she is home due to the pandemic and it is just clear she just wants to make things hard.
When I first met her, she was telling this story of how they went through a lot of nannies because she purposely would get them all fired for reasons she made up just to see them get fired. Really awful! I was freaked out by that level of manipulation. She was 19 and still laughing about it. No remorse or introspection on the meanness in that. She is a factor in my relationship with him, for sure. The mother was a very unstable force in their lives and I feel for her because it is clear she has turmoil within her. Time will tell how much she grows up.
Anyway, these are all the reasons why it is so important not to rush into anything. The moving parts are so much more complex than a first time marriage where both people are without children. And it takes time to see all the moving parts.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
You're right kids make it difficult for sure and their personalities make a huge difference. My oldest and him have a little power struggle thing going on. My oldest is used to my youngest just falling in line for the most part. The Doc's son just doesn't do that. He is so sheltered that the things he talks about don't even interest my daughters. They are into making Tic Toc videos and he is still watching Curious George.
I do think it burst the Doc's bubble a little bit but she needed to know. It is what it is and if she is the person I think she is then she will understand and get over it. I don't take this $hit lightly and my girls need to feel comfortable. The Doc and I are different in that way, I think the Doc would just power through it if it was her son. She doesn't let him dictate the terms to her. I don't try to either but in this situation it is obvious.
My youngest has a little bit of that going with me as you describe with his daughter. Each child has a different dynamic with their parents but my oldest is not that way with me. Interesting for sure.
The Doc told me early on she wants to get married again and doesn't want to waste time dating someone that doesn't have the same intentions. It's not that I couldn't get there our timelines may just be different. Plus her son and her are package deals and as I learn more about him it is something to consider as well.
