He doesn't have to be but it would simplify things. Mostly between the various cats.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So you’re pressuring your son to move out in the middle of a pandemic so your impatient girlfriend can have her way?
No part of this sounds good to me. Her leaving her 17 year old to live largely unsupervised. Her lack of concern about your son’s feelings. Her pressuring you. Her impatience. Her inability to occupy herself when you’re working.
I hope you know what you’re doing my friend. And set aside some money so that if living together turns out to be a disaster you can afford to pay her first months rent and moving expenses.
This world is in flux, the economy is in flux, there is an apocalyptic situation going on out there and you want your son who just got his feet to find an apartment in all this mess? I have always been a proponent for encouraging your son to grow up and take responsibility , but now is not the time to put that pressure on. It’s scary out there.
You know, I believe in 2 sides of the stories in relation ships. She had been the common denominator. Do you think perhaps maybe her view was these guys weren’t meeting her needs or is it possible she is so pushy and cold until she gets what she wants the way she wants it when she wants it??
You have your house on the line here and your retirement . You need to be very firm and vocal else your are going to lose it all and I hate to see that happen to you
kml - that is a rather harsh and blunt way of saying things but there is certainly some truth to what you said.
S25 has made his own choices. He could choose to stay. He wants to be on his own and has for quite a long time. He's finally in a position to do it.
The S17 thing confuses the heck out of me so I honestly can't comment other than the fact that while I'm worried about him but that he's not my kid to worry about.
Ginger - as far as S's past relationships, all I can honestly know if from her perspective and from the opinions of her kids which match her's. I do feel that she is in some ways a love addict who has a history of making some poor choices. Hopefully this time she's not.
I will be protecting myself financially even though she says that there is nothing to worry about. I haven't heard back from my lawyer's office as of yet as I imagine they are taking a break.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My concern about her S17 is what that says about her as a parent and as a partner. A Love Addict might sacrifice their child to obtain the love object. (I know of a woman who did just that - left her husband and her young kids to pursue an affair with SUPER famous musician, who had numerous women and she was just one of MANY at the same time. She spent the next decades focused on her “relationship” with said famous musician , left her ex to raise her kids, was really in love addiction lala land.
I just pulled out my drum so I can beat out the same song I have been playing all along.
We don’t need to know about her past relationships. We know she makes bad decisions because she is speeding into her 4th marriage (because the 4th time is the charm?) at the expense of s13 and s17.
When she guilted you by saying she did not know what she would tell s13 about the delay of moving in, actually, the conversation she should have had with him (and herself) is: I have a history of rushing into situations rather than working on myself.
Your hope that this time she is not making poor decisions is completely unfounded. And you know that as you yourself state it in the above post and this is why you tried to put the brakes on this all. And you can still do that. She is not in any sort of position to lose anything in this deal. If she walks because you are not ready after less than a year and lots of crazy variables (pandemic, children, you don’t know each other, you are in limerence [which may be fading fast, causing her to speed this up]), she is not the one! You should both want to set this up to succeed not just to happen.
That said, I get why she is confused; because you are too! You have proposed to her which theoretically means you want to be with her til death do you part. And yet you are waffling. (And you have reason to be). Now, I am betting that if the rest of us gals here giving you advice were in S’s situation; engaged to a man who clearly had cold feet, we would downshift into neutral real fast. I know I would! Another example of her bad decision making skills. You are unsure and she does not care. She is going to harbor resentment over this delay. I can tell.
If you move forward with this make sure you talk to a lawyer about writing in a move out clause for her if things do not work out. Recently had a friend whose ex wife claimed she still lived at his house and by law she had a right to live there for 60 days or something like that even though they are divorced! But he let her stay over 1 night and she, crafty as a fox, found a loophole that she was a “tenant!” There are lots of laws out there protecting those who cohabitate.
Definitely discuss with a very trained lawyer all the clauses that protect you. You are the one with much to lose.
If this is harsh it is only because I have grown to care about you.
P.S. Outdoor gardening stores are booming here in CA. Might be the same there.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Wow. Ok. Andrew, I'm not really sure what to say here, but I do have a question for you. I remember months back, maybe three months into your relationship S sat you down because she wanted to talk about the relationship. In short order, you were engaged. She gets what she wants. Do you? I know you want the richness a marital relationship will provide. Believe me friend, I get it. My question is this, if she hadn't brought it up, would you have thought of this at that point in the relationship or would your pace be different?
When we date we are auditioning for a role. That role is different for each party. For one it could be the role of companion, lover, friend. For the other it could be the role of fwb, or girlfriend of wife. I think it's important to realize that it takes time to really get to know someone. Time is a commodity, like money. S seems to view time as her enemy. Your and your son's living situation changing is not up to a 17 year old with mental health issues. Your entire life changing isn't up to that same 17 year old.
Put another way: how many kids does S have? How soon did she move them out of the house? I do not understand this at all. I try really hard not to judge other moms; that said this is very strange to me and concerning. A 17 year old with a mental health disorder is still a child. He is a minor, isn't he? Is that different in Canada, the legal age, I mean? I would think he needs structure and counseling. And btw, every 17 year old wants their own place. Most parents won't oblige and with good reason.
It's really easy for us reading along to armchair QB your situation, based on the information you share. I know there is more to it than you're sharing, because you've admitted as much, and that's fine - who needs all the details? Only you do, my friend. My point is, I feel like she's pushing and pushing and pushing. Sometimes with more subtlety than others. You had a nice date. Now she's got a move in schedule, based on one day.
Andrew, I don't know S. I'm sure she's a lovely person. My point is I'm invested in YOU not her. I could give two actual f's about her wants, needs, timeline, hurt feelings, etc. I've not heard you say once what she is doing to make your life better. Not what you perceive the benefit to be by being with her. Actions that she takes on a regular basis to improve your life. What are they?
In every relationship there are gives and gets. Hopefully it's an even exchange. Think about this now, because it isn't going to get better later. You're in the audition phase. Maybe you need to read up on relationships with love addicts to get more information?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The ladies have made many excellent points here about the recent discussion about the move in date. With the way that this health crisis is going, I do not think it is a wise move to have your son out there looking for a place to live at this time. Your home is clean, safe and healthy.
As for the situation w/the pets, well, the two of you will need to decide about them. Your son's cats, and since they love you as well, have first dibs on the place. Is there a way to to block off the downstairs so that all can continue to live there until this health crisis is over and your son has found a place? If not, then she needs to figure out what to do w/her cats before moving in.
Unfortunately, I do think she's pushy and I don't know just how long you will be able to put up w/that behavior once she's under your roof full time. Being passive and giving in will eventually create resentment in your towards her behavior and her. As you stated last week, you needed some time to recharge your batteries. Where do you think you'll be able to go to do this in the coming months if this health crisis continues?
Also, I may be wrong, but the kids are looking at you as the goose that is laying the golden egg. They are looking at you as the man who is going to make sure they have plenty of excellent meals, carpooling and being the father who treats them well. As for S, well....I don't know her, but if my IRL friend was involved w/someone who exhibits such behavior, I would tell them to run as fast as they can from getting in too deep until they had gotten to know her better.
Andrew, we all love you and care about YOU! Evidently something is going on because you come here to post about your situation and many of us are picking up on some under currents that are creating some concern for you, whether you actually are aware of it or not. Just be careful, don't push your son, Amy and Liz out the door just to make this woman happy. You have to think of your son's safety first. Relationships are a two way street and she needs to put her big girl panties on and figure out what she's going to do with all of those pets and stuff before she moves everything in.
BTW, our garden centers are open as well here in MD.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
