Thank you both peace and Job, I’m so glad to have found this site and feel like I’m in a much much better detached headspace than only months ago. It now is just a matter of trying to navigate these stuck in isolation waters with H.
He’s out in the garage today “packing” ...I am doing a very good job of avoiding him and staying silent right now but how do I respond/react when I eventually have to go out into the garage and see everything in boxes? I have no idea what he’s packing up or where the heck he’s taking it for that matter. Do I acknowledge or just ignore what’s happening under my nose? Do I ask any questions or leave him be to carry on as he wishes right now (unless he’s putting me at risk for this virus- so far that’s the only time I spoke up)
Peace....I am in a much clearer space now where I can see that the calm & peace will come immediately once he moves out. That is miles from where I was even a month ago, when the thought of it would make me cry uncontrollably.
If I were in your shoes, I would just let him pack away. He's frustrated and he's finding things to do and hoping against hope that the virus disappears over night. When he is elsewhere, I would take a peek at what he's packed up. If there is anything that you think you will need, then remove it from the box and store it in a safe place. They have a tendency to take things that we won't miss until much later. BTW, he doesn't have a clue as to where he's taking the stuff either...unless he's seen some ads where the storage facilities are allowing people to store stuff there for a while (ads that actually pertained to college students kicked out of dorms, etc.).
The more you draw attention to what he's doing, the more determined he will be to continue doing it. The less said, the better. Now, if he begins packing up the inside of your house, now I think I would have to call him on that.
For now, observe and listen. As I mentioned, when he's elsewhere, take a good look around your garage to see what's missing. I'm sure he's not going to be to stay at home for much longer because, like a teenager, he has this need to be free and out from under the same roof w/his family.
Stay safe and above else try to stay healthy. Leave your man/child to his packing...I would bet money on the fact that he won't be able to find a thing when it's time for him to need something. He will swear you hid it and it will be right there in one of those boxes. It's happened before to others. Dig deeper for patience. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kindly, you’re doing well dealing with H’s craziness! I wish I was in that place of feeling stable and detached again. It would frustrate me so much that he went out after he ordered online. SMH. And your baking sounds delicious.H made banana bread last night and then has been sharing it with me in between telling landlord about D and work! The “royal wedding scones” recipe from Food52 was a favorite of mine for a while. They’re really great to keep in the freezer and bake as needed. I’m thinking about finally trying to tackle making some sourdough starter this week. At least it will keep me focused on something.
The more you draw attention to what he's doing, the more determined he will be to continue doing it. The less said, the better. Now, if he begins packing up the inside of your house, now I think I would have to call him on that.
So he started loudly packing inside tonight, but it seems like only in his man cave. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of looking in the garage much to my own detriment! I needed something out of the freezer and changed my whole meal plan just to avoid going out there! I can be stubborn. Hahah!!! But I will look soon in the interest of protecting myself.
Originally Posted by job
Stay safe and above else try to stay healthy. Leave your man/child to his packing...I would bet money on the fact that he won't be able to find a thing when it's time for him to need something. He will swear you hid it and it will be right there in one of those boxes. It's happened before to others. Dig deeper for patience. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Thx Job this made me laugh!!! I can TOTALLY see that happening. I feel like I’m in a strong detached place right now. The only time I get hung up is hearing the new audio cues of “I’m leaving you” with the packing and banging. But I tell myself nothing is new and there is no call to action for me. I’m finding that’s where my panic and anxiety comes from - is feeling like I’m not doing something I should be ....like he’s packing so I should be getting my stuff together!!! What for I’m not goin’ anywhere yet!!! The breathing and stopping become important in these situations.
Can I take a poll - once I do look in the garage I fully expect to see storage shelves taken down and prob mostly his work stuff packed up. How do I behave? Do I : A) say nothing / acknowledge nothing has changed B) ask where he is taking the stuff C) use this opportunity to ask about his lawyer and where the process is at D) put everything that is packed up out by the curb
I would like to set up our outdoor furniture but do not want to invite his nasty comments of “why bother ...we are leaving”...etc
How do I respond to that kind of behaviour from him? It’s always so venomous and yet no plan of action from him (except for the packing) so unless he has a place he’s going to that I don’t know about ...I’m not too sure how fast he thinks things are going to move here.... I’d like to say “ can you please stop harassing me and threatening me with your nonsense, especially when I haven’t heard back from your L yet? Where is she now that I finally have mine settled”.... I’m going to assume I should clean that up? But how? Any advice for this and my above question in the previous post? Obviously it is not my intent to push anything along faster but I get tired of the mental abuse. Can I point this out? Thx so much! 😊
If you want to set up your outdoor furniture, by all means do so. If he comes back w/some nasty comment, just say...as long as we are in a stay at home crisis, I would very much like to be able to sit outside and enjoy the weather.
His comments are just his way of venting and yes, to buy you to death. When something pops out of his mouth about the divorce, just say "h, I am sorry you feel that way" and walk away. You do not need to listen to his spew.
As to your poll, I wouldn't say a word. I would just sit back and watch/wait. He may be taking his frustration out on the "stuff" and felt like he needed something to do...but most likely most of that "stuff" will remain in boxes and not moved.
If you don't want to rush the process, then do not engage in conversations about his lawyer and where everything is at the moment.
Dig deeper for patience, walk away when he starts talking about the divorce and one more thing, try to sit quietly..the answers will reveal themselves in due time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job, I feel like things are suddenly flaring up again with both being stuck in the house. He is clearly becoming agitated again and I’m starting to see behaviour again back to month 3-4. Running behaviour, excessive exercise and drinking again, mini L bomb drops... One funny thing is how much more time he is devoting to his family...pre BD it was me always pushing/suggesting that he take a break from work. I know every MLCr is different, but it sounds like most distance themselves from family? I wonder why he’s not..esp since they are on the surface close but not deeply close if that makes sense. I was so preoccupied thinking about what I was going to say if he confronted me about the patio furniture or his packing of stuff that I got slightly blind-sided tonight and def could have handled it better than I did. I’m still really working on validating and not letting my “common sense” and slight disdain for his behaviour interfere with my reaction...I think I said to much. I think that is my problem I’m always still “reacting” instead of being a passive passenger. Here’s the bulk of the convo: H said “we need to talk about everything” Me: sure about what? H: the house and what we are going to do with it? M: I know my lawyer has contacted yours, and last we spoke you wanted to do everything through the L H: no I didn’t. M: you did and I have the emails but regardless what would you like to know? H: what we are doing with the house? I’m not waiting a year to sell it. M: I don’t know. I don’t think we can do anything right now in this current global situation and I also think we need to complete the FD first ... H: mine is done M: does my lawyer have it? H: I think so...but they can’t tell us what to do about the house M: no but I would think the FD is the first step before any of the house decisions can be made so let my L know once your L has all of your papers together
In a nut shell....he deems he can’t move out (buy) until he gets the money out of our house. He has to complete a FULL business disclosure which I know for a fact will take months and hasn’t been done. His rush to run is not my emergency. I did my best to deflect and put things back onto the L’s and him really. He can go rent as far as I’m concerned. I don’t know how I could have said less and I could feel the “tone” in my voice. How do I dig deeper and not engage in this nonsense when he try’s to bait me. Most the time i find that “I’m sorry you feel that way” doesn’t apply...do I just need to say “I don’t know” more?
Also Job, I am astonished at the time and advice people share on this forum and how helpful and accurate it all is. I can’t thank you all enough this has truly been a guiding light in such a dark time. I think I’m starting to focus a little too much on the sitting quiet and answers will come. Sorry to sound so silly and literal but sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what answers I’m looking for. Is it as simple as - I used to blame myself a lot more but now I know this was not my doing? Or I still sometimes think “what am I going to do without this man I love”...but know do realize this currently is not the man I love(d). I keep asking myself what is his “childhood drama or trauma” and I can’t come up with anything that would have thrown him into this....I feel like there’s homework I’m not doing or questions I’m missing that would give me further clarity. Sorry for the long post - him kicking me in the knees again got the mind swirling. Thanks for being here. (((Hugs)))
It is not your job to figure out what his childhood trauma may have been. It could very well have been comparison between two children, i.e., your h not being as intelligent as a sibling, or he could have been bullied, i.e., there are any number of things that may have been a "trauma" which would have stunted his emotional growth. He is the only one that can face those traumas and work through them and accept that he was not at fault for what happened. Unfortunately, even if you knew, you couldn't fix his problems because you weren't at fault for them.
When you say sit quietly and the answers will come...the answers will come when they are good and ready. He may open up and provide info that will help you connect the dots. Many of them will eventually start talking and when they do, you will need to really listen, not offer up advice..,.just listen. Later, that conversation will play over in your mind and you will discover some tidbits that will help you better understand where he's coming from in his crisis. Trust me, when you sit quietly, the answers will be revealed, might not be today...but tomorrow or the next. When we drop the rope, focus on ourselves we will learn more that way. Fighting the urge to fix things and just allow things to flow naturally and turning your h over to God to drive the bus and not taking that wheel back each and every day will help not to prolong his crisis. One thing that I learned early on...you can't force the answers to come to you...they will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The homework is to work on yourself, detach more, just listen and validate, dig deeper for patience and the most important thing...keep the focus on you. You can't fix him...you didn't break him. This is his journey of self discovery and you have your own journey to travel, i.e., to rediscover you! It is an opportunity to work on you, the list of things that you've put off doing, and to think about the person you were years ago...do you want to be that person again? If so, this is the time to think about any changes that you need to make for yourself, not to convince him to stay.
Also, I would try not to discuss the legal matters as much as possible. I would refer him back to his lawyer and let the lawyers do the work, after all, they are getting paid to do so. Try to remember, you can't have a rational conversation w/someone who is emotional and bouncing off the walls. The more you attempt to explain things, the more he will become angry and irritated. Best to keep conversations short and to the point...as their emotions are all over the place.
I know living w/a MLCer is difficult. I've been there and done that. It's not easy especially now that we are in a major health crisis all over the world and we are having to share space w/them or dealing w/them on a daily basis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gosh Job is brilliant and grounded. I am taking her words of wisdom for myself too. I hope, Kindly, that you are finding moments of peace and clarity. That outside this forum you have people who can support you, reflect back to you, and remind you of who you are. I find that when I feel trapped by this situation and the circumstances of the world today, having someone who has a clearer mirror of who I am than I do (or than the H does for sure), I am able to think more about what I need to do to actualize self-care. Some of the self care stuff has to do with addressing my pain and what I've ignored. Some of my self care is about laughing more, learning more, allowing myself to not be strong all the time...
I am sending good thoughts into the universe and whatever power you believe in. Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
