Moving forward

[unchien]

I haven't posted in awhile, but I miss the support of the forum.

I filed for D last month. To be honest it was long overdue. We have been in mediation but it was moving verrrrry slowly, one session per month, barely dealing with the first of many issues. We may still continue with mediation, possibly L-assisted. I've taken other steps to stand up for myself during this process. My anxiety has been through the roof at times, and I see the impact of these changes on my kids, but ultimately I feel a sense of relief. I could not keep living the way I have been for the last 9 months.

I get a lot of blowback from my STBXW, but none of what I am asking for is unreasonable. I keep telling myself that. She just doesn't like it, it's a huge change for her. I struggle a lot with this, since I don't like upsetting people, but if I keep letting that instinct run my life I will be miserable. She gets frustrated that I am not abiding by verbal agreements we made when we first separated, and I point out we need to change those agreements and get them in writing, but it gets nowhere.

One major realization has been that my STBXW was quite ill-informed about the D process. For all her accusations with legally problematic language the past year, and the personal emotional turmoil I went through as a result, it's clear she probably did no more than a 30minute L consult. This has become a problem in mediation, because she does not have a L, and hence is not well-informed about the process. The pandemic is obviously affecting many things as well.

It's also a really confusing time for me. I don't understand exactly how things fell off the rails. I know I won't ever get that closure, but the desire to have it remains. Sometimes I wonder if she knew the impact the D would have if she would have made more of an effort to work on the MR. I guess I'll never know. Maybe it's best that she didn't. It's really disappointing to see the impact on my kids right now.

[LH19]

U,

I’m glad you updated and pulled the trigger on the D. Every human alive knows there is an impact on children when you divorce. There’s some good podcasts on YouTube by Diann Wingert that talks about what is going on with women during the midlife transition.

Keep your chin up and move forward!

[may22]

Hi U, thanks for updating us-- been wondering how things are going. I'm sorry it is so tough but I am glad you're moving forward and doing what is best for you and your kids, and truly for your W as well, in the long term. What does the timeline look like for you now?

[unchien]

Thanks LH ~ I'm hoping at some point to do some family therapy work with the kids. This next phase of the process will be hugely disruptive to them.

It's still incredibly disappointing to me. With some effort on both sides we could have tried to repair this MR and keep that solid foundation for the kids. Now they have to adjust to their new lives while both their parents try to get their feet set again. We moved away from family 3 years ago. We don't know many people here. I guess it's better to move forward now than sit in limbo pretending that things won't change. But this is going to be hard on everyone, really hard. I feel like my W did not realize that, and perhaps she would have made different decisions if she understood those consequences. It is what it is now.

may ~ The timeline isn't clear at this point. There are so many sticking points to work through.

TBH I am back here because my anxiety is through the roof. I completely lose my appetite when I get this anxious and have to force myself to eat. My W may have made all her accusations without legal intentions in the past. But they are there and I have had to take some proactive decisions to protect myself at this point. We are so far apart on custody right now. I see no reason why we can't be going to 50-50 (pandemic aside). She wants to be close to our current 25-75 and maybe offer me a night every 2 weeks.

It's forcing me into difficult decisions, because I have no clue if she intends to use her accusations legally or not.

It seems simple: 50-50 joint custody, support payments per guidance, split assets. The long drawn-out process of slow mediation is not working for me. To give some flavor of how it has gone: My W offered a home "buyout" where we refinance the home under both names and then I stay on the loan for 2 years. Her income? My support payments! We also have spent time discussing if she does work on the house preparing it for sale if she can be compensated with a pedicure.

All this on top of trying to keep performing at work during this pandemic while I live alone... it's a lot. I know many people are struggling. I am incredibly grateful to have L representation at this point to help guide me through this.

[HopeCA]

I wish I had good advice for you. I don’t. But I do have a great deal of empathy. I feel your pain and your confusion and your anxiety. You always offer support and advice to me, so I just wanted to let you know I hear you. This is so hard.
Keep coming back and posting.

[unchien]

LoL Hope I just realized I titled my post the same as yours when I was responding.

Thanks for chiming in. I am struggling. A lot. The isolation of the pandemic is probably contributing to these feelings also, more than I realize.

[Traveler]

feel like my W did not realize that, and perhaps she would have made different decisions if she understood those consequences. It is what it is now.

It sounds like, if you had 20/20 vision and could re-do your situation, you'd have pushed for space, 50% custody, and typical financial support sooner so your ex could see what "divorce" was really like?

The isolation of the pandemic is probably contributing to these feelings also, more than I realize.

What are you doing to stay sane? For me it's been leading hikes (soon to cease) and guitar. Glad to see you posting again, unchien, and back from the archives.

[unchien]

It sounds like, if you had 20/20 vision and could re-do your situation, you'd have pushed for space, 50% custody, and typical financial support sooner so your ex could see what "divorce" was really like?

I think I should have pushed harder for custody and financial separation sooner. Primarily for my own sanity. It's possible the side effect would have been my STBXW seeing what D is really like, I don't know. It is interesting how she seems unprepared for what is coming though.

I also didn't speak up because I was going to MC sessions where she repeatedly used the "A" word up until December. I lived in a lot of fear. It controlled me. I didn't speak up. I don't think she realizes how controlling that was. Now that I have a L she seems surprised I speak for myself. She works in a field that does not take the "A" word lightly. She knew what she was doing, and knew the potential consequences. The MC, had he thought it serious enough, would have by law had to report me. This was not a game.

What are you doing to stay sane? For me it's been leading hikes (soon to cease) and guitar. Glad to see you posting again, unchien, and back from the archives.

Honestly not much the past week. I try to go for a mid-day walk to break up the work routine. I'm intending to try out some yoga (I like the combo of physical exercise and meditation) but struggling right now. I have my kids this weekend so that will keep me busy for a few days.

[Mumin]

Hi unchien thanks fo an update!
Big ups to you for staying strong so long. You will be glad to be able to look back and say you definitely gave it your all!


I just D'd myself. Tough stuff!
Also really wondering (now that papers are signed) how the hell we got here. Reading more on women, infidelity, attachment etc definitely helps. But I just dont get how she could just leave everything and all of us...

Anyway, keep updating! I will as well.

[may22]

Hi U,

you probably already have some yoga resources, but if not, a ton of studios are doing free streaming classes. Core Power has a set of rotating free video classes on their website. I like CPY because (especially the basic classes, CP1s) are always the same and for me it is helpful to have some thing that you can look forward to being consistent every time.

Hang in there!