Hunkered down in the house with H during this crazy quarantine situation. It seems like whenever we spend an extended period of time together, it makes us get along better. We’ve never been a couple that fights but on trips or less busy periods in life, our R seemed to flourish. H has been overall pretty flirty this week as we’ve both been working from home and taking care of the baby. Lots of silliness and laughing. He did try to initiate sex once and I balked and just steered it away without bringing up that I feel used when he has sex with me.
He’d been sleeping in “his room” as he likes to call the study, on the pull out sofa. This week he switched to an air mattress in there using only a sleeping bag as covers. He’s not a teenager so I’m not sure how sustainable it is for him to sleep on that. Reminds me of his sad bed situation in college.
One night this week, he told me he was driving somewhere to hike and was gone 8 hours, until well after it got dark. It annoyed me since we had plans for dinner and he did no communicating whatsoever where he was or who he was with. I really was trying my hardest not to let it bother me but it was hard to hide. I know, I shouldn’t care.
Lately, I’m finding myself just wishing he’d get it over with and move out. I’m sick of not knowing what the future will hold. But I know asking him for a timeline is pressure.
Rosy, I share your frustration and your feelings about wanting H out completely. What stops me from taking action/voicing it is I think about how different my life would be when it happens. For me, not that different...I think I’ve detached enough where his words and actions don’t really bother that much anymore. Yes, out of sight out of mind would definitely be easier, but that also might give you a facade of thinking that you are really detached. Use this opportunity of quarantine to practice patience and detachment!
Thank you, Wooba! Good points. This time is really trying my patience and I’m having trouble holding my anger towards my H in but it is an ideal time for me to focus on detaching and not worrying about his nonsense or what he’ll do next.
Feeling emotional this morning. H said he picked up a shift at his part time job last night but was gone until about 12:30AM, so who knows where he really was, especially during this quarantine situation. This morning I just am annoyed with him and sad about the future, just worried about not giving my baby the life I thought she’d have. I was feeling weepy so went to bed to lie down and H is acting all concerned, came upstairs to check on me, was rubbing my back, and asking me what was wrong. I felt like saying, “what the f*** do you think is wrong? My M fell apart, I’m scared for the future, and I’m so angry at you for continuing to be dishonest”. I just kept saying I was fine and that I was just tired because I figure it’s best to avoid showing that I’m still that upset over the situation. I don’t understand why he feels the need to try to comfort me and ask what’s wrong.
Feeling emotional this morning. H said he picked up a shift at his part time job last night but was gone until about 12:30AM, so who knows where he really was, especially during this quarantine situation. This morning I just am annoyed with him and sad about the future, just worried about not giving my baby the life I thought she’d have. I was feeling weepy so went to bed to lie down and H is acting all concerned, came upstairs to check on me, was rubbing my back, and asking me what was wrong. I felt like saying, “what the f*** do you think is wrong? My M fell apart, I’m scared for the future, and I’m so angry at you for continuing to be dishonest”. I just kept saying I was fine and that I was just tired because I figure it’s best to avoid showing that I’m still that upset over the situation. I don’t understand why he feels the need to try to comfort me and ask what’s wrong.
I suspect its guilt... I know it doesn't make you feel any better. I'm so sorry for this situation and I too what to say to my H those types of things. Trouble is he doesn't want to hear them and frankly push him farther away.
Keep showing strength even though you are so twisted inside. Focus on what you can control and the let rest go for now.
I freak out over not seeing or hearing anything from my H in 5 days. But what are 5 days really? Do I think he is going to have some epiphany in 5 days??? Probably not even after 90 days. It is gut wrenching I know.
Hi Rosy, I’ve been following along worth your sitch, can’t remember if I’ve commented before or not.
I so, so relate to your recent post. I just texted my best friend about this today, because my H does the same thing. At this point it makes me furious. Just this afternoon when he picked up D4 he was all “how are you? Are you ok?” And rubs my shoulder. I want to SCREAM. Just as you said, “YOU KNOW WHATS WRONG!!!!” And like KitKat said, if I were to actually stare the truth, well he wouldn’t want to hear that. It’s selfish behavior and it’s infuriating. All I can say is every time I’ve bitten at that bait to share emotionally, it’s bitten me right back. Stay strong!
Hi Rosy, I’ve been following along worth your sitch, can’t remember if I’ve commented before or not.
I so, so relate to your recent post. I just texted my best friend about this today, because my H does the same thing. At this point it makes me furious. Just this afternoon when he picked up D4 he was all “how are you? Are you ok?” And rubs my shoulder. I want to SCREAM. Just as you said, “YOU KNOW WHATS WRONG!!!!” And like KitKat said, if I were to actually stare the truth, well he wouldn’t want to hear that. It’s selfish behavior and it’s infuriating. All I can say is every time I’ve bitten at that bait to share emotionally, it’s bitten me right back. Stay strong!
Thanks Hope! SO tempting to lash out when they do this but that is true, it's not the best approach to take the bait!
Just some more reflections as we continue this crazy quarantine situation. Being stuck in the house with my H and not seeing other people in person who care about me feels like it is really starting to take a toll on me. I'm struggling with detachment. I so want a H who looks me in the eyes and is honest. Who wants to cuddle and sleep in bed with me.
I felt like I was making more DB progress overall when I was more "mysteriously happy" around my H. It is very hard to hide my lows from him and focus on making myself happy when his bad habits are constantly in my face (i.e. seeing him constantly text other woman/women). When he can't get through a diaper change or taking the trash out without checking his phone, that seems pretty pathetic to me.
I'm having quite a few bouts of extreme sadness and anger and hopelessness. I've toyed with the idea of signing up for one of those online counseling services - has anyone used one and have any feedback about them? Aside from the current pandemic, I feel like it'd be easier for me with my schedule and the baby to be able to participate in counseling virtually. I think it might be a combination of postpartum hormones and my situation with my jerk H but I am sick of having such low periods and feeling worthless. Being present for the baby does make me value my life more however. Don't want to share this to sound so pathetic or to ask for sympathy, just reflecting on my sitch and want others to know that if you're feeling this way, you are not alone.
I'm having quite a few bouts of extreme sadness and anger and hopelessness. I've toyed with the idea of signing up for one of those online counseling services - has anyone used one and have any feedback about them? Aside from the current pandemic, I feel like it'd be easier for me with my schedule and the baby to be able to participate in counseling virtually. I think it might be a combination of postpartum hormones and my situation with my jerk H but I am sick of having such low periods and feeling worthless. Being present for the baby does make me value my life more however. Don't want to share this to sound so pathetic or to ask for sympathy, just reflecting on my sitch and want others to know that if you're feeling this way, you are not alone.
I'm not a vet or an expert by any means but I'd strongly recommend IC of some kind. Your ability to handle your emotions dictates your actions and outward appearance to everyone - and in all of our situations, we're better off operating from a place of peace and strength.
Hi, Rosy. I really empathize with your feelings—H is my roommate in lockdown and whereas I was pretty good at not letting his moods get to me before, now I’m finding it harder to not be affected (annoyed, angered, saddened). I think we are all doing our best in an already very challenging situation made more challenging because of the circumstances. I have been meeting virtually with my IC and it’s very helpful to have someone to vent to, and someone who can validate what I’m going through. I wonder if a DB coach could be a possibility as well. It’s key to find a good fit, and you might have to check out a few counselors to find one you feel is best for you. You’re not alone, either! (((Rosy)))
Hi, Rosy. I really empathize with your feelings—H is my roommate in lockdown and whereas I was pretty good at not letting his moods get to me before, now I’m finding it harder to not be affected (annoyed, angered, saddened). I think we are all doing our best in an already very challenging situation made more challenging because of the circumstances.
One thing I have tried doing that helps is look at my H as a zoo animal. This sounds wrong, but I see it more from an observation point that I can't have interaction with. When he comes up and grumpy "Hmm that primate is angry. He doesn't understand(listen) to me, so there's no point in saying anything in-depth or meaningful. I will listen to his grumblings if he does them and offer to placate him with words (validation) " I also try to remember that he has an entire life beyond me, and chances are with everyone he's interacted with, the fact that it's me that angered him is slim.
