Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by WestM
Now I've let him go. I don't think I can just be super happy around him right now. Is it appropriate to take space? I am still waitign for the book. I just need space to collect myself for a while.


I’ve been NC for 5 months now and it’s helped a lot. He’s with OW and it’s highly unlikely he’s coming back anytime soon if ever. My focus now is on me and my kids. I couldn’t do this while he dates so I filed for D.

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Physical space helps. It is still very hard but not seeing him will help you start to move forward without him. I don’t blame you for asking him to move out although I’m not sure how many women would be okay with dating a guy who still lives with his wife. I suppose they are out there though. Hopefully he finds out the grass isn’t exactly greener on the other side. Regardless...focus on you and GAL. It will help. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
W
WestM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
Thanks DejaVu6.

He's still helping - still at the house right now while I spend time away. He is going to find a way to work his schedule so I can do a 10 day silent mediation program next week. He's still doing firewood. Wants to maybe move back in in 6 months when we've had a chance to heal. Is signing over the house to me and walkng away with only the car. And says he will always have space for us and will always help when he can. I make more money than he does but he is also willing to pay extra child support.

I feel overwhlemed with all the changes... I am still left with 5 acres of land and an unfinsihed basement suite that needs to be finished so I can rent it out... all the bills and having my son the majority of the time, still trying to sell my business and am on medical leave as I can't fathom going back to work at this point - we live on a small island meaning that I commute to work on a 30 min trip ferry each day - I am too overwhelemed to be back at work just yet.

ALthough I still feel conflicted about having him move out - we were both angry and hurt in that moment... we have hurt between us that hasn't healed... and we were trying to live together in the same space while we worked on the basement suite... I still feel very conflicted.

I hope that by him living elsewhere he can do his "single" life and I can heal my own life and figure out how to do this mostly without him. Maybe that will actually enable us to find true healing.

With a heavy heart, but hopeful for the changes to come all around...

WestM


Me 41
H 34
Son 3.5
Married almost 4 years
West Coast of Canada
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
W
WestM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Physical space helps. It is still very hard but not seeing him will help you start to move forward without him. I don’t blame you for asking him to move out although I’m not sure how many women would be okay with dating a guy who still lives with his wife. I suppose they are out there though. Hopefully he finds out the grass isn’t exactly greener on the other side. Regardless...focus on you and GAL. It will help. (((HUGS)))


Hi there - I actuallly am starting to feel way better in many ways. There was so much confusion for me in his actions... he says the reason we don't live together now is because we reacted to each other... I am firm that the reason we don't live together is because he was very clear he does not want to be married or to have any of those commitments. Our tension revolved around his desire to be free to date and trying to separate our bills.

Now that he is out, although I feel very sad in many ways, I also feel like I am finally able to process my feelings and move on with GAL. I do miss him. But I do NOT miss the tension - the tension between me wanting to work on the marriage and he being extremely firm that we are over... and us behaving as if we were married.

I do not think he would have started dating anyone any time soon - but it was my one ask - my one boundary if we were going to continue to live togehter, was to have 3 months of no dating. He did not want boundaries.

I am now reading the Divorce Remedy. It makes a ton of sense... especially the stages of connecting. We seem to be extremely text book, just like most people. There was no violence or cheating... or anything. Just poor communication patterns.

I finally understand my boundaries and should have done this before Christmas.

I can only control (of course) what I am able to do, which is take care of me and my son. Fortunately, I have the means to do that.

As far as contact goes, I don't think I am ready to spend time with him. I still need to go through my anger and healing process for a while. Does anyone else have experience with this? Taking time away for themselves to heal and GAL, limiting contact and things working out in the long run?


Me 41
H 34
Son 3.5
Married almost 4 years
West Coast of Canada
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
W
WestM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
Another question I have is:

We live on a small island - just off the main city. It's a 20 min ferry ride or so with gettting on/off.
My H wants me to pick up and drop off from the ferry, both him and our son so that he can save $.
I don't really feel like doing this.

Is it fair to make him to drive over since it was his choice to move off island?


Me 41
H 34
Son 3.5
Married almost 4 years
West Coast of Canada
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
That’s a tough one West. If it were me, I would consider what the needs of my son are apart from H in this scenario. I’m not sure it is a question of fairness. If your H is spending money on the ferry, is that going to impact you and/or your son in a negative way? My XH and I have made it a priority to put our kids first and coparent in a way that impacts them as little as possible. For instance...my D12 wants to act in a play which involves going to a rehearsal every Thursday really close to my home but far from his. She already does quite a few activities (all of them close to my house and far from his) and he is tired of all the driving so didn’t want her to do it this time. I totally get it. But I really wanted my daughter to have the opportunity so every other Thursday, when she is at his house, I offered to pick her up from rehearsal and drive her to his place. Not my preference but I’m okay with it. Anyway...that’s just my two cents. I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your situation. My advice would be to try to make your decisions based on logic and reason and not on emotion. When your hurt eventually fades, you will be glad you did. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
W
WestM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
Thanks DejaVu - are you glad you are your husband divorced?
I honestly don't know how to feel about all this. I do know that I don't want to be with someone who won't tell me how he feels and what he really wants - especially when it really matters the most.


Me 41
H 34
Son 3.5
Married almost 4 years
West Coast of Canada
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
W
WestM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
So, after all that and one virus later... my H is living back in the house... but downstairs which is fine. We’ve had lots of ups and downs. I need to try different things... stop focusing on the relationship and thinking somehow I’ll fix it. The advice is, not to bring up issues... not react? Let him bring it up?


Me 41
H 34
Son 3.5
Married almost 4 years
West Coast of Canada
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
Originally Posted by WestM
So, after all that and one virus later... my H is living back in the house... but downstairs which is fine. We’ve had lots of ups and downs. I need to try different things... stop focusing on the relationship and thinking somehow I’ll fix it. The advice is, not to bring up issues... not react? Let him bring it up?


How is he treating you? I think the friendly roommate analogy applies to this scenario....continue to work on yourself and let him talk when he’s ready. At the same time don’t be a doormat if he’s showing you disrespect.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
W
WestM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 31
HI Wooba, thanks so much for asking.

It's alternating wildly really. What I am confused about is how to address items such as division of labour in the house and who looks after our son and how we ask each other for support.

He just agreed of his own freewill to accept a 20K loan from my dad to pay off our business credit cards and our personal credit cards. I gave him space to do so and said it was up to him... he took his time and answered my dad via email that we would accept. Then two days later he came home with a TV that he purchased on credit - I was shocked and said why didn't you talk to me about this - which of course set him off into a tyraid of the usual blame, most of which is simply not true. He blames me from not standing up for himself and always supporting my decisions throughout our marriage. He has not been able to be true to himself most of his life and tended towards being a people pleaser and avoiding conflict by not expressing himself. Whereas I am not like that for the most part, I enjoy helping people but I likely will tell you if I am not happy or don't want to do something. I can be fiery for sure, but I am also always willing to talk through things.

The interesting thing is he vacillates so wildly. One day (or even half a day) he wants to be here, help, be supportive, work together, pay of our debt together, then literally the next hour or day he's supremely angry about his needs being violated (any sort of ask is a violation of his needs/boundaries - Ive checked this out with my counsellor who has met him a few times - she likens it to someone who is just learnign to have boundaries for the first time who goes over board and assures me that my asks are just that - asks, not violations of his boundaries). He even said one morning he would be willing to read a book on relationships and work through it together... which also is hard for me because he's also stated he never ever wants to get back together. Then another day he will be intently connected to me during an argument to the point where we almost have sex, but settle for a cuddle in bed. Then two days later he completely blows up because I "asked" for him to be there after work when we first went through the business shutting down and working from home (I have another job that allows me to work from home) and losing day care all in the same day. He told me that even asking him was a violation of his needs/boundaries - and my exact words were: "hey, since things are so intense, would you consider coming home after work this evening?", that was after two days of supportive talks and connecting where we almost had sex.

I feel that we have to address how we are going to continue contributing to this household scenario in a productive way. But I don't want to go into "relationship talk". I just want clarity on what we are doing, but maybe even that is too much?

Is this normal? I am having a lot of trouble trying to stay positive.


Me 41
H 34
Son 3.5
Married almost 4 years
West Coast of Canada
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard