Affair Fog-LRT 3

[kto626]

BrSide:

Try and stop thinking emotionally - its harming you.

I agree I am acting on emotion. Or should I say, I am writing on this board based on emotion. I am not acting on the things I post here.

I mean joing dating sites etc - Really - Your vision is so off centre its crazy.

Okay, good point. That was an emotional move.

You need to take a step back, breath and not make any decissions without thinking about it, and even after you have thought about it, think again. - and again

Okay. That is also good advice I need to listen to.

LH:

You have a very disrespectful WW on your hands and IMO the best way to handle them is with tough love. Like BS said now is the time to work on yourself and get really comfortable being alone. You don’t realize how important that is right now. I also agree with BS that your a smart guy but right now you are being controlled by your emotions. Unless you learn to have infinite patience you mine as well file for D right now. You’re in a marathon right now and you just past the quarter mile. You have the gift of time so use it wisely.

I hear you. I do. And honestly, I have been good about ending communication. I have not reached out to her unless I absolutely necessary b/c of my daughter. Being alone is an understatement. With social distancing, I am really, really alone. I think that is why I am having a hard time letting her go to focus on me. Because my mind has A LOT of time to wander. Being able to GAL with friends would give me something to look forward to...I don't have that.

Thank you both for your support. I don't think you re picking on me at all. And LH, you are right, I am in deep but I don't want to be.

[MrBrside]

I feel i should also add -

These improvements ( your WW mentioned smoking and healthier lifesytle ) - these arent just to woo WW back or a short term fix - These should be life changing and permenant - You are doing these for YOU, not WW or to impress / influence WW - Do whats best for YOU, but make it lifelong - One of the biggest things i have learnt on my journey is complaisance - its not attractive and probably a reason why a lot of partners start to look elsewhere. Work on a better you - you have the gift of time. Once you have healed, are a stronger and more confident you, carry on to self improve - dont slip or get complaisAnt

[kto626]

MrBrsde, for many years I was complacent smoking pot with a few buddies at home. My W would go out and I would stay home while my D slept. At first, I thought, this is perfect. I stay home with the boys, my W goes out to the bar with her girlfriends. But then this past year I noticed she was getting dressed up, doing her makeup, and taking a long time getting ready. Now I know why. I said this to her over and over, who was she getting dolled up for? This would lead to fights and she would claim I was controlling her. I never tried to control her, I just would ask why, or why don't you hang at home tonight and we watch a movie? But now I know I was too late. My complacencies provided the space between us to grow so another man could come between us. Let me be clear, SHE had the affair and I'm not to blame for that. But I contributed to a failing marriage. But I don't believe the marriage was dead, it was going the wrong way. But it will never excuse what she did. Never.

I also know I was complacent in my relationship. I blame pot for a lot of this. So I stopped on BD. At first it was because of the anxiety I was now having. So then I joined a gym and would exercise a lot. Admittedly, it was to look better to get my W back. However, that quickly changed. I realized I liked how I was feeling after exercising. I knew pot made me lazy so I stuck with not going back to it. Exercising cut the anxiety and made me feel productive. It's more difficult now not being able to go to the gym but I still run on the treadmill 3-4 days a week.

Since then I have lost 20 lbs (a lot from not eating at the beginning). But I've made heartier choices for myself. Sure, I want to look good for someone else, including my W. But the reason I'm doing it is for me. It has become part of my routine.

My W was always the one working out but now she has gained wait since BD. I would never say it, but she has. Roles have reversed in some ways. My guess is she is very stressed. I think she is upset with how I have lost weight. Her mother, friends, everyone point it out. When I comes up around my W she makes sarcastic comments about how Ive lost weight and she wishes she could.

[sandi2]

The first thing would be is that I am truly sorry for the hurt that I have caused. I know I cannot take any of it back and I know you will hurt for a long time. This was never my intention.type apologies that mean nothing.

Nowhere in her letter does she mention her affair, or the OM.

She is not remorseful. She goes out of her way to make sure her on-going affair, OM, lies/deceit, betrayal, etc., is not specifically mentioned.

She is tired of living with the consequences of her choices. She's wanting to slitter under the door, by giving an umbrella apology.

Has your IC/MC ever said you show codependency traits?

[kto626]

Sandi, my IC hasn't said that but I'm guessing I'm co-dependent. I'm guessing the only way to beat that is by being alone.

Btw, my W told me today again she was sorry. She also said she's trying to give up the OM but it's hard. I just validated and said I can appreciate the fact that it is.

At the very least, I see slight progress. But I know there is a long way to go. She is totally to slither under the door. But I've told her no.

[Believe6]

Kto626, It's good that you are taking care of yourself. Working out helps so much. I've lost 31 lbs and I didn't have that much to lose. I am the smallest I've been in decades. But now, like you, I am eating healthier and working out to make sure it is a habit and something I can maintain.

It's good that you continue to have your boundaries and make sure you know clearly what you want before you even let her thing she can slither under the door. They need to get themselves worked out first. Keep taking care of yourself and your D. That's your priority. Blessings

[sandi2]

Btw, my W told me today again she was sorry. She also said she's trying to give up the OM but it's hard.

It doesn't matter how many times she says she is sorry. She needs to tell you what she is sorry about.

Trying to give up OM.......? What does that mean? She used to text him XXXX times per day, but has cut back to XXX? That's not good enough. She has to go cold turkey. She can't taper off an addiction.

I just validated and said I can appreciate the fact that it is.

You men and your NGS! This is not the time to get soft. In her wayward mindset, that's how she'll see it.

At the very least, I see slight progress.

Where? I see a WW who is tossing out a few apologies (without specifying what she did wrong), and then adds that she's trying to give up OM.....but it's hard. So.....none of it means a thing! When she gets serious, you'll know it.

Have you ever had someone give a backhanded apology? "If I've done something to offend you, then I apologize". It has zero value. It's worthless, if they don't name the offense. Google backhanded apologies.

[kto626]

Trying to give up OM.......? What does that mean? She used to text him XXXX times per day, but has cut back to XXX? That's not good enough. She has to go cold turkey. She can't taper off an addiction.

I realize that. And that is why when she came over to take the dog for a walk and asked if I wanted her to work over at my house to help with our D, I said no, you know where I stand on that. She knows I will not accept contact with the OM.

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I just validated and said I can appreciate the fact that it is.


tired You men and your NGS! This is not the time to get soft. In her wayward mindset, that's how she'll see it.

What should I have said?

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At the very least, I see slight progress.


Where? I see a WW who is tossing out a few apologies (without specifying what she did wrong), and then adds that she's trying to give up OM.....but it's hard. So.....none of it means a thing! When she gets serious, you'll know it.

I see progress because she has started IC and wrote a semi-good letter. It isn't perfect, but it is okay. I spoke with my IC who knows my W well from months of MC before and after BD, and he said the following about everything:

Based on knowing my wife and how guarded, defensive and f*ed up in the head right now:

-Graded the letter a B+. He said she does seem sorry but never mentions the OM or affair. She isn't there yet but does see her starting to turn a little. That it is a good sign she wrote it, he does believe she is sorry, but she hasn't apologized completely yet.

- By her saying she is trying to give him up is a sign, but not one I should even read into.

-He said my W is extremely insecure, probably due to her traumatic upbringing, so now she wants to see if it will work with me because she knows it is the right thing to do but she wants to keep the OM there in case it doesn't. He doesn't believe it is the other way around anymore due to some of the things she has said. Specifically, the other day when she told me she is scared to make it work with me because she is afraid I will tell her how to feel. She is afraid it will fail with me.

-He thinks her head is so f*ed up. That her head is spinning. She knows what is the right thing to do but doesn't know how to get there. So he is very happy she started IC to see if she can figure it out.

-When I mentioned filing for D, he said no way you aren't there. You haven't given this long enough of a chance to see f she will do the work necessary. He told me what I am doing; exercising, reading, going for walks, being in IC spending time with my D is the work I need to do. He told me to wait 4-6 months from the letter (April 1st).

[LH19]

K,

I think it's really simple. Keep doing what you're doing including sticking to your boundaries. Keep your expectations at zero. You are definitely not plan A you are still plan B. I'll give her letter a F for fuching bs.

You have the gift of time so use it wisely.

[kto626]

My W texted me tidal saying " I have told him I want to focus on my family, myself, my work, and my daughter. I know it's not everything you want but I'm trying."

H: what do you mean everything I want? Have you ended contact and deleted him from all social media?

W: everything you want meaning I still have work to do on myself in IC. And I'm drafting how to end contact with my IC but I'm going to do that.

H: you know that needs to happen. Otherwise nothing has changed.

W: I understand


I will ask to see what they write to send him and watch her send it.