I know she is still a WW but I have seen her chasing me more. She seemed genuine on the phone saying she still cares for me...but I am trying not to believe her because I know words are words. But behaviorally, going to IC again is a solid step. Many steps for her to still make, but she did make a step.
LH already said it. But I will enforce. She is not chasing you. My W told me she still loves me (and just like you I heard she ment it) one month before confessing she is "seeing" OM. She is most likely going to IC to handle her own stress and feelings. Do not see it as a "solid step" towards you. Very dangerous waters!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
The email came last night. I don't know how to respond. I see some hope, but I bet you don't. I see some cake eating but I see a somewhat remorseful apology. My W is someone who struggles to communicate unless it is in writing.
So I have been thinking a lot about everything. There are lots of things I want to say and need to say.
The first thing would be is that I am truly sorry for the hurt that I have caused. I know I cannot take any of it back and I know you will hurt for a long time. This was never my intention. I know that a sorry wont take any pain away but I want you to know I am. Sorry is never going to take the pain away but I want you to know I truly am. I wish I could take what I did back knowing how hurt I made you and (our D).
I lacked in many things in this relationship. I think I did not communicate well with my feelings and emotions until it was too late hence my poor decisions.
I also did not take in to consideration your feelings and emotions on certain things especially when it came to going out. I was very selfish.
I think I could have been better at planning time for just us two especially after having (our D). It is so hard to have a relationship and raise a child and work full time and I could not manage it all or felt very overwhelmed with it all that I just gave up on the effort. You know I have never been good at this and that is not ok. I need to put way more effort into planning and being proactive otherwise I will never be successful in life.
I have kept stuff internally for so many years that I just figured why deal with it now. Knowing that I wish I could have dealt with it all better. I know that is not fair to you and I realize that and that's why I am trying to make you aware now.
I know you have been waiting for along couple weeks, months or even years for this email but you know how hard it is for me to express my feelings and that's unfortunate and most of the reason we are at where we are.
I am sorry for arguing with you last night and it was not appropriate but you also need to realize how stressful life is for all of us with this Corona stuff, our situation and child care. It absolutely infuriates me how you can look at me and say "figure it out" when I have (our D). You know what I do for a job as a nurse and with all this stuff going on lately you are not supporting me at all if you say you will not help. What would you like me to do? Hire a babysitter or my mom etc and expose her potentially? This is what you want this to come to? It feels like you're being selfish of being angry at me and taking it out on (our D). I am not saying that's the case that's just how I feel about the situation that happened.
I know you are beyond upset about (grandmother). I am so heartbroken for all of you. I pray every night since I knew. I know this isn't helping anything we are going through and no matter what I do still love you and care about you and your family. I love you and always will. I know I hurt you more than anything in the world and I wish I could truly take it away along with all the other worries we have going on currently.
I offer to come over to hang with (our D), cut your hair, get you wipes/gloves/mask from work all because I still want to make sure you are ok not just for (our D) but for you. I know you don't want to hear all that but I do love you for you and you are not the reason for all of this but I am.
I am and have always just struggled with my feelings and I let things build up over time and I get anger and resentment and it ruins everything. I just need some space and time to figure me out (which I know you have given me and now with all the corona [censored] its not helping any situation only making it worse) and I am not asking for you to wait around or put your life on hold I am just telling you what I need to do for me. I am sorry and I know you wont wait forever and I get that and I am not asking you to just simply telling you how I feel. I have come to terms with that and with your actions and emotions towards me. I know what you want from me. I know you are moving on and I don't blame you. I am just really having a hard time and I need to just find me. I have lost me and cant seem to find it at all.
I am so proud of you for the things you have changed since this all happened. Smoking and making healthier options for you is beyond amazing. I hope you made those changes for you. I worry about you and I just wish I could take away what I did. I never intended to hurt you but I know I did. I am so so sorry (KTO). I am struggling a lot as well. Don't think I don't have my bad days, my crying days or my depressed days. Those days are most of the time to be truthful lately. I know its not a pity party I am just being honest.
I am going back to counseling finally after missing it for a couple weeks because of Corona and I had a good session this week and have another one planned next week. I know I need to try harder and I have been saying that for years. I agree and I have to be about it and not just talk. I am so sick of fighting and wish we could just have talks without arguing and that seems to be few and far between and I know I am guilty of that. I just get so frustrated and feel like you still want to tell me how and what to feel. You also don't ask me things and just assume and that bothers me so much. Please ask me and don't assume. I know you don't owe me a response from this as I know this is way long over due but if you would like to respond ok.
I agree, I see remorse. I see a woman who's sorry she used cheating to get where she is now, who's not sure what she wants long-term.. Plan A (other men).. or Plan B (you), who wants space from you except for you to solve childcare for her. It's unclear if she wants space from OM. She cares about you, probably always will, which is not the same as wanting to be with you or being in-love with you.
Originally Posted by "Letter"
What would you like me to do? Hire a babysitter or my mom etc and expose her potentially?
How worried are you about your ex-wife exposing your D to her mom or a babysitter? (I assume her mom can decide for herself whether or not to watch your kid and how to best protect herself.)
Originally Posted by Letter
I am so sick of fighting and wish we could just have talks without arguing and that seems to be few and far between and I know I am guilty of that. I just get so frustrated and feel like you still want to tell me how and what to feel.
These are good 180s to strive for if any part of them rings true. Fighting, arguing, and controlling others is rarely necessary and aren't good relationship patterns.
First off to me there is a difference between being sorry and showing remorse. I think the majority of WWs are sorry that this is happening. I think very little show remorse until way down the road when they understand the damage that was done.
As for the letter this is what I read:
I’m truly sorry for the hurt I caused you. I was not perfect in the relationship and made mistakes. I was not happy in the marriage but I never voiced my unhappiness. I should of communicated better but instead I sought happiness with another man. How dare you not support me when I am having an affair with another man.
I know you are upset about your grandmother and I love you but I’m not in love with you so I’m not ending things with the om right now.
I want to come over and eat some cake and while doing so I will even cut your hair for you. It’s not you it’s me that’s the problem.
I built up anger and resentment over the years from all the things you did wrong in the relationship. I need time and space to see if the new guy is long term relationship material but I’m not asking you to be plan B. Though your actions dictate that you are willing to be plan B.
The changes that you are making are great but sorry it’s too little to late right now. I wish I could undo what I did but since I can’t I’m just going to see where this goes with OM. I’m sad sometimes for breaking up the family but everyone will get over it.
I’m going to counseling and I know I need to try harder because marriage is hard but I really don’t feel like it so I’m gonna see where things go with om. I’m sick of fighting and arguing because you won’t see things my way and you don’t understand me.
I know you don’t owe me anything but I’m really hoping you wait around until I see if it works out with OM.
My response would be:
Thank you for the email. I really have some thinking to do.
At what point do I allow her to come over to the house to be a family for a few hours? Through this crazy time of social distancing I think it may be good for all of us.
Originally Posted by "Letter" What would you like me to do? Hire a babysitter or my mom etc and expose her potentially?
How worried are you about your ex-wife exposing your D to her mom or a babysitter? (I assume her mom can decide for herself whether or not to watch your kid and how to best protect herself.)
Her mom works in a nursing home and continues to work through all of this. So it probably isn't a good idea. A babysitter, I don't know about that but it also probably isn't good. My D has an autoimmune deficiency so we need to take extra care.
My W knows I have offered to take her when she needs to go into the office. If she is working from home, then she needs to take care of our D on her days...it is no different than me working from home. So all of that talk in her letter is old news...probably b/c it took her 5 weeks to write it. Honestly, I am just as worried my W bringing Corona home to my D and therefore, me too. But when I brought his up she stated that she is full protective gear. Also, she doesn't work with Corona patients, only pediatric non-sick issues (immunizations and physicals). But she uses Corona as a reason for not being able to talk or do anything because she so stressed. I don't doubt she is stressed but she is hiding behind Corona as to why she is really stressed.
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I am so sick of fighting and wish we could just have talks without arguing and that seems to be few and far between and I know I am guilty of that. I just get so frustrated and feel like you still want to tell me how and what to feel.
These are good 180s to strive for if any part of them rings true. Fighting, arguing, and controlling others is rarely necessary and aren't good relationship patterns.
The only arguments have been about me kicking her out 2 weeks ago when she was hanging out with us (cake eating) and I asked if she still was in contact with the OM. When she said she was still talking to him, I told her to leave. She became explosive; "I hate you. I am going to punch you in the face, etc. etc." She is the one who argues I stand my ground on my expectations. She wants me to allow her back to the house and pretend like everything is fine while she still talks to the OM? No, that will not happen.
I do see some progress in her ability to show remorse. And even though I want our family to be able to spend a few hours with each other, I know I am inviting her to eat cake (thanks LH). But doing this alone now for weeks is eating at me. I thought maybe with a little progress, I could give in a little. But I guess not.
I thought I was clear but I’ll repeat it again. Your W is not showing remorse. Right out of google “it means that your conscience is working on you, your past actions are biting you back and making you feel very regretful”. Don’t you think at that point she would end the affair and beg for forgiveness?
Your has repeatedly said f you, it’s over and she’s going to punch you in the face and you view this as progress wtf? You need time and space from her.
I know you want to see progress but right now it’s progress to not make matters worse.
I'm going to chip in here and say that if you want to move on with your life, start listening to LH19.
And more importantly - Try and stop thinking emotionally - its harming you.
Your WW is acting on emotion - Look where she is.
A lot of the stuff you have writen here / your actions - emotion..
I mean joing dating sites etc - Really - Your vision is so off centre its crazy.
You need to take a step back, breath and not make any decissions without thinking about it, and even after you have thought about it, think again. - and again
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I do see some progress in her ability to show remorse. And even though I want our family to be able to spend a few hours with each other, I know I am inviting her to eat cake (thanks LH). But doing this alone now for weeks is eating at me
You see what she wants you to see.. The same way some snakes play dead to lure in their pray.
Doing this for weeks ? - again, you are thinking with emotion and it isnt helping you..
More self improvement, become less needy and start to try and think with logic...
Maybe make a list of the qualities you would like to see in yourself - then starting working on them..
I'd start with less needy, less emotional, less reactive.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I don’t want you to think Briside are picking on you because we are not we are trying to help you. We have been in the trenches and I have seen hundreds of battles fought on this battle field. Right now you can’t see the forest for the trees because you’re in to deep.
You have a very disrespectful WW on your hands and IMO the best way to handle them is with tough love. Like BS said now is the time to work on yourself and get really comfortable being alone. You don’t realize how important that is right now. I also agree with BS that your a smart guy but right now you are being controlled by your emotions. Unless you learn to have infinite patience you mine as well file for D right now. You’re in a marathon right now and you just past the quarter mile. You have the gift of time so use it wisely.
