Mumin, first know I also follow your thread and I am wishing you the best.
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After speaking to IC and others I have heard several examples where the child chooses to live ONLY with the "rock-parent".
From what I have been told in my state this can't happen until my D is 16 before they allow her to decide for herself. Obviously, if there is abuse, W drinking too much, etc. that would change. My W loves her D. Shows her that love and she has gotten much better over the last year in spending time with her. But then she would lie to her face to go out with the OM, so I don't know.
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Quote Since I said that 24 hours ago she has sent me pics of our D, a produced video of my D with my W trying to coax her o say she loves me on video, and numerous texts.
This is crazy! Good on you for not engaging! Stay strong!
I did stay strong. And it continued last night. After texting, "how are you guys?" and then "??????", and then "just text me back and tell me you guys are alright." I ignored all of them knowing that she was trying to engage me in convo. She had to wait until 8pm to talk to our D. When my W FaceTiemd with my D, my W stared saying, I need to talk to your father. I was in the other room (listening a little) and I said not hats okay. She insisted and my D brought over the phone and she said, W: you can't text me back and tell me you guys are alright? H: You know what I said yesterday. W: I get to know if my D was alright (the ironic thing was she asked if WE are alright) H: I asked you yesterday to respect my wishes and you don't get 24/7 access to us anymore. W: F you. and hung up.
Within 30 seconds the texts came. "F you." And then, "I am f-ing done" and then "you literally hold our D against me and I would NEVER do that to you." I responded with one text "If there is ever an emergency or something you need to know you will be the first one to know."
MrBrside: Thank you for offering so much support. I do value your insight and appreciate your advice.
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She could go back 10 or 100 times.. Unless you make the changes as well no amount of IC will make her respect you. You need to work on yourself as well
You are completely right. I am trying to make that switch from listening to my heart and start listening to my head. I am working out, reading, and trying to stay centered and unemotional. I have gotten better but have a little more work to do. I am finally sending the message clearly to my W that I don't want to engage in convo, I don't want her to come over, that she can live any life she wants and I can do the same. I need to stay strong on that and am doing okay with it so far. Over the last 1-2 weeks, there have been LC and it has only been about my D (even though my W keeps trying to engage me). Again, I will not be an ingredient to her A.
Can I ask a question: There are a few females that I have spoken to and they are obviously interested in me. They seem nice and I am questioning of meeting one of them to take the dogs for a walk (social distancing). What are your thoughts on dating or seeing what else is out there? I think it would help me move forward. They are aware of my separation but not the affair. Although it's not what people would want to hear, I do want my W back but am trying to move forward because I become more and more skeptical that we would ever get back together in a long-lasting relationship.
Can I ask a question: There are a few females that I have spoken to and they are obviously interested in me. They seem nice and I am questioning of meeting one of them to take the dogs for a walk (social distancing). What are your thoughts on dating or seeing what else is out there? I think it would help me move forward. They are aware of my separation but not the affair. Although it's not what people would want to hear, I do want my W back but am trying to move forward because I become more and more skeptical that we would ever get back together in a long-lasting relationship.
Personally - WAY TOO SOON - with all due respect you are still broken. Meeting a new lady now is a car crash. You are still thinking with emotion and your rational isnt bang on. You will ignore any and all red flags and boom - car crash.
I waited 6 months - the women will still be there in 6 months and your head will be in a better place. Its also not fair on the women either - your heads in the wrong place and you or them will get hurt..
Theres no rush - WORK ON YOU..
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Okay thanks, MrBrside. Too soon is right and it isn't as much about me being hurt but I don't want to be unfair to them. I don't want a relationship, just companionship. That's not fair to them.
If it’s just dog walking and are looking for some companionship then I say go for it. Just make it clear you are not looking for anything more then a friendship.
Nice work. She’s losing control and doesn’t like it. Just proves her niceness was all BS.
Wow--your responses to your ex-wife really nailed it!
As for female companionship, that's an interesting can of worms.
I've thought about the pros and cons of dating quickly.
First, being ethical requires the other partner knowing you're recently single. I assume the other party is an adult capable of and responsible for making their own decisions (e.g., "Should I date someone who's broken?"). I was more broken when I realized when I began dating after my break-up.
Second, studies support that dating quickly does help you get over ex's and improve your sanity. For example, "An empirical investigation into rebound relationships" (Brumbaugh/Fraley, 2015) says " Analyses indicated that people in new relationships were more confident in their desirability and had more resolution over their ex-partner. Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health."
Third, that study cuts both ways as dating quickly hurt your chances of reconciliation. Those chances may seem meager now, but firemann and I learned the hard way it can have an impact.
Fourth, you may lose this friend where enjoyment of each others' company is mutual if you date.
Friendship/companionship is great. I've been open to making new male and female friends since this started. I just met with a woman for the 2nd time yesterday for a walk in the woods.
Second, studies support that dating quickly does help you get over ex's. For example, "An empirical investigation into rebound relationships" (Brumbaugh/Fraley, 2015) says " Analyses indicated that people in new relationships were more confident in their desirability and had more resolution over their ex-partner. Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health."
I do think it would help me move forward. Obviously, this whole thing shot my confidence a bit. My friend had me sign up for one of these dating apps and I have received multiple "likes" and have reached out to a few. I was forthcoming on the app saying I am separated but no one knows the full extent. For me, knowing I am getting "likes" and a few asking to go for a hike, I feel more confident already. Mt W is dumb for what she did. I am successful, attractive, kind, and provided a good life. I haven't been believing that lately. I am finally realizing there are other women who will see that so it helps to meet them and feel it from them, I guess. Byt I don't want to be unethical or unfair.
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Third, that study cuts both ways as dating quickly hurt your chances of reconciliation. Those chances may seem meager now, but firemann and I learned the hard way it did have an impact.
Honestly, that is a fear. I am DB'ing but you all now in my heart I still want her back if she is willing to do the work. I am beginning to make her coming back secondary to me wanting to be free from working about the outcome so I can solely focus on myself. Hence wanting to go on a walk to help me move forward. But I don't want to make it damage any possibility of my W doing the work to get back. It is hard to balance both, I guess.
CW, what negative impact did it have on you and fireman? They found out and it stopped your chances of reconciliation?
Like CW and LH said, if I make it just a walk, just to socialize, then maybe there is no harm. These social distancing times make it very hard to GAL and socialize so maybe I will take the opportunity but keep it as a friendship for now. However, both the women I am speaking to are putting on a full-court press so I need to be careful.
CW, what negative impact did it have on you and fireman? They found out and it stopped your chances of reconciliation?
With firemann, if I recall correctly, upon his initial dating she "discovered" an extra car in his driveway and used it as a wedge against reconciliation and as something to highlight to the kids as a reason for D. I believe she'd already had a secret EA, but I think neither he nor the kids knew it at the time.
With my g/f, upon reconciliation, it was a wedge. She cried, felt jealous, always imagining me as hers alone. When she says "I've only done X with you", I have to say "You're the first person I've done X with." Certain places and activities are "tainted". That's not to say it was wrong. I'm undecided. I learned some problems were mine that I'd attributed to ex's. My IC points out all the ways it led me back to my ex.
- i wrote a similar thing when my WW was blowing up my phone..