Affair Fog-LRT 3

[sandi2]

H: Do you want to be here or are you coming for our D?

Personally, I think it is a mistake to put your daughter in the middle. What if your W said she wanted to be there or going there for the D? You already took a stance on her staying out of the house, so why even ask her that kind of question?

H: Go to IC. Do it for you or our D.

Neither do I understand why you would tell her to go to IC for the daughter.

I suppose the good news is that you can recognize where you weakened. Next time, try to avoid such statements.

[kto626]

Quote
H: Go to IC. Do it for you or our D.


Neither do I understand why you would tell her to go to IC for the daughter.

You are right. I shouldn't put my D in the middle of it. It was a statement that my IC and I came up with because he knows my W well and after explaining some of the scenarios that have played out, he is concerned for my W's mental stability. He has stressed to her (when we were in MC) the importance of her going to IC due to her traumatized childhood (her mother cheated and drank excessively and essentially abandoned her...probably why she is who she is today). So after talking with him yesterday, he continued to stress that importance. He said that she is going to break if she doesn't deal with everything and just continues to brush it under the rug. He said she should do it for her D if nothing else so she can parent in an appropriate way.

So even though I can't control her, I said what I said. And after saying it, my W texted me saying "she has emailed her IC to set up a FaceTime appointment (not allowed face to face with the Coronavirus). She was going to IC for the first two weeks after BD, bit as some have pointed out, she probably was challenged by her IC so she quit going. regardless of what happens to us, she needs to be a good mother and not choose booze and bars over her kid like she has previously done. She loves her D, but she certainly hasn't shown that the last year lying to her face about going to IC when in fact she was going to see the OM. That is what bothers me the most, lying to a 3-year-old every week when my D would ask where she was going and she said to an appointment (IC). She wasn't.

One last question: when I post about S/D, or anyone else does for that matter, why do so many say to do it? Isn't this site about divorce busting and not divorce initiation? I am 2 months in and people say to D. Isn't that the opposite of what MWD says? I realize it is my journey, my choice. But it seems counter-intuitive to support divorce so much on a divorce busting site. I can already hear all the boos.

[LH19]

K,

I will give you my opinion. This site is called Divorce Busting which is obviously great marketing and the goal for people here. The two problems I feel newbies run into are one they are to emotionally attached to implement DB strategies and number two they don’t understand the timeline for their situation to turn around. Pursuit, weakness, plactating and relationship talks never work but newbies do it all the time. This actually hurts their situation and pushes the WW further away. Timelines are typically a minimum 2-5 years for WW to work through their issues.

You have a WW who is openly in another relationship with an OM and is unwilling to end it. This is MY OPINION and only MY OPINION that shows total disrespect and you have only one option. Down the road if she gets her $hit together you can think about a recon.

It all comes down to your values and what you are willing to tolerate. As Sandi always says “for a woman to love a man she must respect him first”.

[MrBrside]

It was a statement that my IC and I came up with because he knows my W well and after explaining some of the scenarios that have played out.

1 word - Control. You ( nor the IC ) can control her. You can only control yourself.

her traumatized childhood (her mother cheated and drank excessively and essentially abandoned her...probably why she is who she is today). So after talking with him yesterday, he continued to stress that importance. He said that she is going to break if she doesn't deal with everything and just continues to brush it under the rug.

Not sure if its sunked in yet - She isnt going to break - She is already broken. My WW had a similar childhood - dad cheated and abandoned her.. Search BPD - Very common when children suffer early trauma.. She has probably been broken since way before you met her - you just chose to ignore it - and to a degree still are.

The thing is - with people like your WW.. Some are beyond fixing and some don't want to be fixed.. Either way, its not your job to fix her !!!

He said she should do it for her D if nothing else so she can parent in an appropriate way.

Again, its not your job to fix her ? - YOU control YOU - your focus should be on being the best dad possible for your daughter. Your wife has let herself, you, the family and daughter down - This is where you stand up and show the world and your daughter that your WWs decissions have no impact on you. Go one step further and learn from your WW...Look at how she messes up and make a mental note.. Then make sure you dont do it. As your daughter gets older she will know who the Rock is - and respect you - Carry on the way you are and your daughter will grow up seeing a weak father figure.

she needs to be a good mother and not choose booze and bars over her kid like she has previously done. She loves her D, but she certainly hasn't shown that the last year lying to her face about going to IC when in fact she was going to see the OM. That is what bothers me the most, lying to a 3-year-old every week when my D would ask where she was going and she said to an appointment (IC). She wasn't.

Why does she need to be a good mother ? Again you are trying to control it. If she wants to be a terrible mother, its her choice. You don't get much of a say in it. My WW was a great mother for the 1st child.. Amazing. Something happened in her head and by child 2 she was going off the rails.. By pregnancy 3 she was drinking through the pregnancy ! - even though i disapproved.. She will lie and lie and lie to you, her family, your child - anybody...

Look up BPD and venrable Narsasism.. similar traits and suit your WW to a T..

You made a mistake of picking a bad partner. You cant change that now.. What you can change is how your daughter sees her father.

One last question: when I post about S/D, or anyone else does for that matter, why do so many say to do it? Isn't this site about divorce busting and not divorce initiation? I am 2 months in and people say to D. Isn't that the opposite of what MWD says? I realize it is my journey, my choice. But it seems counter-intuitive to support divorce so much on a divorce busting site. I can already hear all the boos.

Me, you and 99% of the people come here looking for a magic bullet - how we can make our cheating partners fall in love with us again and dump the OM / OW. The OM/OW is the problem - if they end the affair we can get back to out happy relationship blar blar blar - So everything you read is counter-intuative. You are still VERY MUCH in that magic bullet phase and i dont think its sunk in yet that your marrige is gone... Even if she ends the affair, she doesnt repect you and it will come crashing down in 6 months, 12 months etc..
I cant tell you what the outcome for you will be, as you take your own path.
For me, it was a greater understanding of the WW mindset - Self Reflection and knowing what i needed to do to improve myself - I'm made a lot of changes in the past 12 months and feel 10 years younger. I made these changes for me and not WW - I know that one day i will have another long term relationship - and it will be succesful - as i wont make te mistakes i made 1st time - thanks to this site.. As for your WW / my WW and so many other WWs out there.. They will crash and burn becuase they never think they were the issue.

[Traveler]

she needs to be a good mother and not choose booze and bars over her kid like she has previously done. She loves her D, but she certainly hasn't shown that the last year lying to her face about going to IC when in fact she was going to see the OM. That is what bothers me the most, lying to a 3-year-old every week when my D would ask where she was going and she said to an appointment (IC). She wasn't.

Why does she need to be a good mother ? Again you are trying to control it.

If she fails--e.g., is physical abusive or suicidal or leaves your D3 alone or is convicted of a felony--there are recourses such as emergency mental evaluations, temporary custody, and/or child protective services.

Between "D-" to "A+" it's up to her. You control your grade. If your partner never takes your kids to the doctor, dentist, or ensures they do their school projects you can do all those during your custody.

Many single parents do exactly that!

I get wanting to support/encourage her improvements.

[kto626]

MrBrside:

Why does she need to be a good mother ?

Quick answer, so my D doesn't out to be like her mother and her grandmother. Why wouldn't I want the best for my D? I understand I can not control her but in one minute you talk about trauma leading to BPD and Narcissism. The next you say, who cares in your D mother is a drunk, selfish, cheater. With all due respect, you make no sense. I get the fact I can't change her. But I made one comment about seeking help. I didn't pick her, get a new outfit, a coffee and from her at her IC. I went the best for my D, plain and simple. my D3 is too young to know now. So if my W has a heart and loves her D, and she does very much, she has a chance to make it right for her, not me.

Some are beyond fixing and some don't want to be fixed

She may be beyond fixing, however, she has said numerous times she is "f'd up." She has said it to me, the MC, her BF's. She has said she has to figure her head out. Now, I realize these are just words. But if she really goes back to IC, and I mean for a while, then why wouldn't I want that? And that would be behavior, not words.

You made a mistake of picking a bad partner. You cant change that now.. What you can change is how your daughter sees her father.

Now you are speaking the truth.

ou are still VERY MUCH in that magic bullet phase

Also, true. After reading over OS2 thread, I saw he mentioned a book called Women's Infidelity. After reading over a synopsis, she was able to put it in a new way, a way identical to the advice on the board. Through the eyes of the WW, bu me chasing or remaining in contact, I am giving her the ingredients to continue her affair. She gets both guys making her feel superior. It dawned on me, don't give her the ingredients. It says as soon as she loses the ingredients, her A becomes an R, and most of the time they don't want an R because they enjoyed the excitement of the A. It also talks about the four stages of a betrayed H. Also, accurate info if you want to look into it. It agrees with you all saying I need to detach to the point where I don't care about the outcome of our relationship. I can't control the outcome, so don't care about the outcome That is what I want. I realize that is what you all have been saying but maybe it was the way she wrote it...I don't know but it resonated with me.

As I was reading over this today, my W texted "how are you guys?" I didn't respond. This is after me telling her to stop sending me texts and asking to hangout. Since I said that 24 hours ago she has sent me pics of our D, a produced video of my D with my W trying to coax her o say she loves me on video, and numerous texts. I have responded to zero. I am done being an ingredient.

[kto626]

CWarrior:

Between "D-" to "A+" it's up to her. frown You control your grade. If your partner never takes your kids to the doctor, dentist, or ensures they do their school projects you can do all those during your custody.

Many single parents do exactly that!

I get wanting to support/encourage her improvements.

Well said. I'm a teacher so I know that my grade is my sole responsibility. No matter how hard I teach another student, they need to work to get their grade. They need to study or else they will never get it. Very well said.


PS. After my W texted "How are you guys" a few hours ago, and i ignored it, now I am getting ????? texts. I JUST TOLD HER YESTERDAY TO STOP TEXTING AND TRYING TO COME BY. SHE WILL TALK TO OUR A 8pm. But yet, she continues. If she gets out of hand and sends numerous texts and calls 20+ times (like last week), what do I say to make her stop?

[LH19]

Just keep ignoring and she’ll eventually get the hint. If you need to just remind her one more time.

[Mumin]

Hi KT. Thanks for your encouraging post on my thread!

As your daughter gets older she will know who the Rock is

This!
After speaking to IC and others I have heard several examples where the child chooses to live ONLY with the "rock-parent". This is something that might happen to both of us. In fact if W doesnt get a grip of things I will introduce these thoughts to my D5 when she is maybe 8-9 (This is in 2-3 years). When she is older still this will be completely up to my daughters in my opinion.
But if W gets her [censored] together it wont be something that I bring up or even encourage. I'd prefer my kids have two stable and "healthy" parents to look back at.

But if she really goes back to IC, and I mean for a while, then why wouldn't I want that?

Point is she should go for HER and she nees to decide this. Not because you suggested/said it.

Since I said that 24 hours ago she has sent me pics of our D, a produced video of my D with my W trying to coax her o say she loves me on video, and numerous texts.

This is crazy! Good on you for not engaging! Stay strong!

After reading over a synopsis

Where did you find the synopsis?

If she gets out of hand and sends numerous texts and calls 20+ times (like last week), what do I say to make her stop?

Like LH said. Just ignore! Laugh at her in your mind!
Like I said earlier, use airplane mode AND/OR shut of notifications if it get out of hand or you get emotional.

[MrBrside]

Quick answer, so my D doesn't out to be like her mother and her grandmother. Why wouldn't I want the best for my D? I understand I can not control her but in one minute you talk about trauma leading to BPD and Narcissism. The next you say, who cares in your D mother is a drunk, selfish, cheater. With all due respect, you make no sense.

I totally get you want the best for your daughter - but you are still so tied up in emotion that you think the solution is to stay with a WW who doesnt love you, disrespects you and had mental health issues ?

I think you are fortunate that this happened while your daughter was 3. I have 3 daughters and my 5 year old was most affected by this. The 3 year old didnt really understand it. I would say D5 was / is traumatised, but what can i do ? - Simple - Be the best dad i can be and closely monitor. Being a good dad doesnt mean you need to stay in a relationship with a damaged individual. Look at the numbers ( lets say 10 years until D3 is 13 and can make her own mind up ) - Lets assume ( and i dont think your arrangements have been finalised yet ? , so its an assumption ) you do the 50/50 parenting. You get to be that great dad for 50% of her life. In that time you show nothing but love, support, strength, wisdom, dignity, fun, respect etc - you become the rock. When D is with you, you are always there for her. You do fun things together, you play with her and not par her off with a TV, you read / educate / do jigsaws - you have conversations etc.
You cant make up for the mother being a bad mother and just ignoring her, while she sits on her phone, but you can show her thats not the norm.. I say 10 years, but within 3 or 4 your D will know where she is loved / supported. You cant control how your WW treats her, but you can get some self respect and shine for D.. In 10 years you will be the cool dad that your D looks up to - the one who all her friends like and respect.. The one who all the other parents respect - You dont need to wave a flag saying "im a good dad" - People know who the good parents are.. Just visit the beach for the day after this blows over.. you will see 30% of parents engaging with their children - the other 70% ignoring them while they are busy on their phone, drinking beer, or sunbathing.

Lets Look at the alternative - WW calls it a day with other man and you take her back. You have made very few self improvements and any you did make will go out of the window once WW comes back, as regardless of all the advice here that is your primary goal ( not just yours, any new LBS ) - underlying issues arent fixed and you will settle for that.. WW will still not respect you and i suspect you will not work on self respect for fear of losing her again - if anything you will overcompensate with the love / fixing to keep her - D grows up in an enviroment where mum is disrespectful to father ( and maybe daugheter ) while she lives on her phone, ignoring D and father. You just want to keep the peace and dont want to risk losing WW again, hence will go with this dynamic - D will start to understand more and more as she gets older ( and IMO there is more risk of trauma ).. WW will eventually cheat again and this goes full circle - D is older now and will definetly understand more than when 3 and will be more traumatised than now - And repeat - idefinetly until you change the dynamic or WW actually finds "true love" with OM22 etc...

She may be beyond fixing, however, she has said numerous times she is "f'd up." She has said it to me, the MC, her BF's. She has said she has to figure her head out. Now, I realize these are just words. But if she really goes back to IC, and I mean for a while, then why wouldn't I want that? And that would be behavior, not words.

She could go back 10 or 100 times.. Unless you make the changes as well no amount of IC will make her respect you. You need to work on yourself as well


You will find no advice better than this site - stick with it. Once them rose tinded glasses break you see a whole new world