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Before I respond, please understand that I am not saying the WW has to admit any of this to her H. I say this b/c I don't want any H trying to put words in the mouth of his WW, so he can check it off the list. Okay?


That is very useful info. She hasn't said much other than she is sorry for what she did. But it wasn't vert remorseful.

However, today, after she found out my grandmother tested positive for Corona, she reached out to my mother. That was very big of her and I am sure very hard. She sent a message and said, "I know you probably don't want to open a message from me right now. And I am sorry for the extreme pain I caused to both you and KTO, but once I heard (grandma) tested positive I had to reach out to you and tell you I praying for her." She went on to say nice things about my grandmother. My mother did respond back with thanks and that it is a scary thing and none of us should take things for granted in life (my mons attempt at a little jab but she is more than right).

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IMHO, it's when she stops blaming her H for her unhappiness. When she accepts total responsibility for her decisions connected to the affair. When she stops having so much anger toward her H, and stops demonizing him. It's when she stops justifying her actions.


She is still doing this. Not as much lately, actually getting a little better. Recently saying, "I should've told you that I was unhappy in our marriage before and not done what I have done." A few weeks ago it was, You made me walk on eggshells every time I went somewhere" (duh...I wonder why??) I guess it has got a little better.

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We aren't saying you have to stop loving her. You know that, right? You are only a couple of months out, and you're wanting to know how long this is going to last. I understand you are in pain, but there are no crystal balls here. I'll try to help by telling you about the usual behavior of WW's and advise you about some things related to your sitch.


I haven't stopped loving her. I just don't say it or even show it. And Sandi, you have been so helpful. You are an angel. I am thankful for your words of advice. Thousand times over, thank you!

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Quick update: Again, my W texted me this morning and asked about my work situation. I told her I will be teaching from online 4 hours a day (4 periods with office hours for parents). She immediately said she would work form the house (our shared house). I didn't respond to that text. So a few minutes later she said, "or I can take our D to my parent's house." I also didn't respond to that text.

Later, she found out about my grandmother and messaged my mother. I think that was a big step for her. She is so afraid to face me and definitely afraid to face my mother. I know she is. So it is a big step for her to reach out.

Then out of the blue, her brother called me to check on me. He was very kind and said he still refuses to talk to my W because he will say things she won't like (they haven't had the nest of a relationship anyway). He said that when he spoke to his mom (where my W is staying), she had mentioned about how mad she is getting at my W for not ding anything to better herself. That she was thinking about putting a deadline on how long she can stay. Even though she hasn't yet, I am sure my W knows she can't stay forever, hence why she is trying to sneak back in the house with me.

Later, my W came to drop off my D with me. She asked about my grandmother and began to cry. Saying how sorry she is and knows a 98-year old contracting Corona is an uphill battle. She was very sincere and I know how much my W respected and loved my grandmother (my grandmother said my W is on her S#!tlist...lol). I will give her credit for seeming like she really cares.

At this point, she asked about my work again. I said I had to look into the times and get back to her. Basically, I have an hour-long meeting online (video conference) tomorrow. But I think I am going to use this meeting as a barometer to see how it goes while I am watching my D. Then I will have a better idea of what 4 hours of teaching would look like

The bottom line is still: end contact with OM, be remorseful and own your behaviors (starting to happen a little), and transparency. From there, we can hang out, then begin MC to see if we can reconcile. Otherwise, I will continue to detach and GAL as much as I can(I really am trying).

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K,

Really try to keep your expectations at zero. Keep DBing and stick to those requirements.

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kto626 Offline OP
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After my W left yesterday, she texted me last night asking about my grandmother. She said, "I know you don't believe me but I am here for you (heart emoji, heart emoji" I just replied, "ty, I appreciate it."

This morning, she reached out to my mother again offering her to get nursing supplies for her so she could go see my grandmother (my W is a nurse and has access to masks, face shields, scrubs, etc). IIMHO, this is HUGE for my W. She respects my mother a lot and knows that she is pissed at my W. I know it sounds crazy but I bet it would prevent my W from R because she doesn't want to face my mom. It seems like she cracking the ice. Not like she is cake eating with my mother...it must be genuine and difficult for my W.

After that, my W started texting me first saying that she was sad and depressed today and then asking if I wanted her to come by while I had my online meeting. I said, "you can come to hang with my D while the meeting is happening if you wanted." I realize that I probably wasn't smart.
She replied, "I don't want to interrupt her but I didn't know how long your meeting is." I said, "I don't know." So she said "okay". That was the end of it.

An hour later, she sent "how was your meeting?" I said "fine" and then she said, "what's the plan for work then?"

Lots of questions. Lots of temp checking. I'm guessing that is too much texting back and forth. I am waiting sometime before I respond and trying to keep it short.

I am waiting for her to say she has ended contact with the OM. She knows that is the first step. I want to ask her if she has, or bring up in some way? Is that dumb? I would I do that in a smart way? I know I shouldn't try to control or sway her. But can't I ask so I know I just see a lot of change in her behavior already so I am trying the course of not initiating contact but remaining civil when she does.

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K,

I would suggest that if you are going to ask her that question then you put on a jock strap first before you get kicked in the nuts.

What is the objective of your question?

If she wanted to work on the marriage and was no longer in contact with OM, you would know.

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kto626 Offline OP
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The objective of my question is to know.

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Originally Posted by kto626


I am waiting for her to say she has ended contact with the OM. She knows that is the first step. I want to ask her if she has, or bring up in some way? Is that dumb? I would I do that in a smart way? I know I shouldn't try to control or sway her. But can't I ask so I know I just see a lot of change in her behavior already so I am trying the course of not initiating contact but remaining civil when she does.


I know you have had a rough few weeks, but seriously - You are in Lar Lar land.

You are so so fortunate to have people here spend their time trying to assist you. Sandis advice is worth more than ANY therapy could offer - she has been there, done it and now spends her free time trying to assist the LBS..

Yet i cringe when i read your replys...

Being no contact with the OM WILL NOT make happy families.. Its so obvious from your posts you are looking for that little crumb to put right all the wrongs in the past. It really doesnt work like that.

I doubt you will follow this advice, and if you do, you will probably still ignore it..

Search for the topic by Curtis - From memory its something like persistance and endurance.

Your posts are very similar to his.. He would come on here and say how he was going to do X Y and Z against the board advice.. His justification was he had searched old posts and found it worked for Mr A and Mr S - what he didnt grasp is that it worked for Mr A and S but crashed and burned for Mr C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q etc etc - you get the picture. He took the smallest little thing he could turn into a positive and hoped it would apply to him.
12 months after his first post he was still in limbo, his wife had moved onto OM3, OM4 etc, ate so much cake that she would be morbidly obese - and his wife still didnt respect him - but we refused to change his mindset - and i personally feel he lost a lot of respect from the vets here because he didnt listen to them either. He never truelly grasped that you cannot control the other person - and you dont either.

You really need to ask yourself do you want to feel like you do today, yesterday and the day before in 12 or 18 months time. Unless you seriously start walking the walk, you will be in the same head mentality in 12 months time - and even if you are playing happy families with your wife, she will still be looking for the next OM - why - because neither of you have actually worked on yourselves.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Hey Kto, hope your grandma gets well soon.

Are you in a hurry? Remember it´s a marathon. Live the present time. Train your mind to do that. If not, you´ll get anxieties. Don´t do that.

You have really good advice here. Time is on your side. Keep calm and keep DB

Patience. There´s a long road ahead.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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kto626 Offline OP
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Thanks, neffer and MrBrside. I do follow the advice but I find myself coming on here when I feel myself walking to the edge of despair (aka contacting her). I am getting better, but I am looking for a quick reminder of what I need to be doing.

I do feel like she is beginning to turn but I don't know if she is ending contact wit the OM. Her actions are seeming like she is but I have no idea. So I will continue to detach, work on myself, and try to focus on the present.

And MrBrside, I know you think I am doing things against the board's advice, but I haven't. Just walk me away from the edge is all...

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K,

I really really want you to keep your expectations at zero. If and when she seizes contact with om and wants to reconcile you will know. Until then don’t waste your time speculating.

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