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A Message from Michele
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Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2891985
04/11/20 10:57 AM
04/11/20 10:57 AM
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LH19 Online
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OS,

Again all words so we will see. Big red flag for me is that she said IC said sharing passwords is "controlling behavior". A good IC would know she needs to earn yout trust back. If I was a betting man and I am, she's trying manipulated you.

Only time will tell. This virus must be hell for cheaters.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2892306
04/14/20 08:33 PM
04/14/20 08:33 PM
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IC told her sharing passwords "sounds like controlling behaviour". W said herself though that she's done a lot of stupid things and regretted them (like resuming contact with OM) and she didn't trust herself. I said if she can't trust herself, how does she expect me to trust her without being transparent. She's also written "the letter" as I requested but it's on pause until she sees IC and is "better equipped for what will follow". I've made it clear I would need to see and approve it. W also says she is reducing communication with OM. It seems to me that W has a plan of getting over OM and getting on with her life,


SMH tired

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Sceptical of the whole situation


Yeah, me too.

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but that's where we are. I imagine you'll all tell me I should be entirely detaching and letting her come running back?


Would it do any good for us to tell you to entirely detach and let her come running back?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2892707
04/18/20 10:31 PM
04/18/20 10:31 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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We're all in quarantine, and suddenly everyone's GAL? smirk Can't give an update for days? What's wrong with everyone?

Okay, then I'll go over and visit You Tube and see if there is any action there. grin


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2893189
04/24/20 03:15 PM
04/24/20 03:15 PM
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Since my last update not much has changed in status but W's attitude appears to have improved a little. She's had IC now for a few weeks and as I put on my last update I've noticed some actual changes in her - talking now a lot about R, moving on with her life, and sharing more etc.

I've actually detached a fair bit but she's come over 2-3 times over the last few weeks to talk about R (prompted by her), two of those times she was supposed to be actioning NC with AP. A while ago I bought a couples relationship book that I thought we could go through if we reconciled and while we were talking one night she picked it up and started reading it and suggested we go through the book together. We did a few chapters and W said how much she had valued and enjoyed going through it together - seemed almost a taster of what working on the M could be like. As I thought it was positive and she appeared to have been trying I let that happen initially but eventually put a stop to it when she was asking to come round for the next bit as I said it was pointless to continue, almost like dating, while there is still communication with OM.

The last time she came round was on the condition of her sending 'the letter', although she wrote a new one out as she wasn't happy with the first one (she had a copy on her phone so at least I know it existed). What she wrote was actually pretty reasonable and made me think she'd drafted a few already, but after some tears she said she needed more time to be stronger to send it and would 'work on it'. W said I know everything now and has no problem with all my requests (passwords, phone, NC, etc no problem despite what she's said before) when she feels strong enough to give OM up but feels like an addict that can't kick the habit. I told her I was getting tired of the whole thing and feeling less and less interested. She has a friend who has been in limbo for years between two men (used to be intimate, now just friends with both) and she's been talking to her recently and they've been trying to motivate each other.

That brings us to this morning when she said she would come round to see me tonight. I told her that I didn't want to see her until she gives up OM and is ready to work on the M, and also that I'd like to complete the first part of the D agreement paperwork which we could set aside if it doesn't work out. She said she will sort herself out and follow through with what she's been telling me.

I don't know whether she's trying to play me or not but I do think she doesn't want to lose me or the M. I'm past caring about the cause and effect of what I'm doing now though, and just living my life the way I want to live it regardless of what else happens. I'm actually quite care-free now and have made peace with what will be will be. Either way I will ask her to complete the paperwork and will consider the options if she does come through on her NC with AP. I'm really investing in myself, I'm ready for whatever life throws at me next, whether that's a R or a new relationship. I won't become one of these sad people that hangs on forever, the ship is leaving the dock with or without cargo.

Last edited by OS2; 04/24/20 03:17 PM.
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2893193
04/24/20 03:36 PM
04/24/20 03:36 PM
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OS,

You are kinda like those parents who tell their kids if you do that one more time I’m taking away your car. Then the kid does it again and they don’t take away the car. Then they complain to one another that the kid doesn’t listen.

Yeah it’s hard to stop smoking crack. That’s why most addicts don’t stop until they hit rock bottom. Stop being the parent who doesn’t follow through and stop being an enabler.

She’s playing you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2893806
04/30/20 07:57 PM
04/30/20 07:57 PM
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Look, she needs to dump OM! Forget a letter, and go NC with OM. Why is she (and her IC) diligently working on a letter to a predator? I'll tell you why. She's more concerned about her lover's feelings, than her H's.

Quote
W said I know everything now and has no problem with all my requests (passwords, phone, NC, etc no problem despite what she's said before) when she feels strong enough to give OM up but feels like an addict that can't kick the habit. I told her I was getting tired of the whole thing and feeling less and less interested. She has a friend who has been in limbo for years between two men (used to be intimate, now just friends with both) and she's been talking to her recently and they've been trying to motivate each other.


Do you want to know how to end limbo? Apparently, there are a lot of LBS's who don't seem to know. You remove yourself from that dynamic. I think that's the real thing LBS's have trouble with. They had rather remain in limbo with the cheater, than shut the door. No more being friends, or having sex and/or sleep-overs, or something in-between where you don't know what the heck is going on. You are dangling by a thread, waiting.....waiting....waiting for her to make up her mind. How insulting for a faithful spouse to wait around for their cheating spouse to choose. Well, the faithful spouse can make choices, also, and decide to no longer live in limbo. Shut the door!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2893973
05/03/20 09:41 AM
05/03/20 09:41 AM
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Eventful couple of days. W came over a few days ago and said she had come over to sort out her life and start NC with OM. She said I'm the most important person in the world to her and she wanted to make the M work. She had a message she'd worked on and wanted to send to OM and told me that it was going to be hard because she had built it up in her head and still has feelings for OM but wanted to move forward with her life, come out of limbo and doesn't believe OM will make her happy long term and she wants to be with me. She said she was most scared of losing me. She had the message ready to send but didn't feel strong enough to physically press the send button and asked me to press it. I stalled and told her that she needed to be sure this is what she really wanted and that it was her decision and she said yes send it, and block him on everything for me. After clarifying, I did. OM immediately phoned her swearing and telling her he'd beat me up (unbelievable, and what a nice man). I think the phone call actually gave W some closure as he wasn't pleasant and was trying to manipulate her. I'm continuing being my best self, listening, supporting, but being cynical and observant at all times. Last chance and we both know it. Work on the new M begins now.

Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2893974
05/03/20 10:39 AM
05/03/20 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by OS2
She had a message she'd worked on and wanted to send to OM and told me that it was going to be hard because she had built it up in her head and still has feelings for OM but wanted to move forward with her life, come out of limbo and doesn't believe OM will make her happy long term and she wants to be with me. She said she was most scared of losing me.

I am gonna say this tongue and cheek "you sound like a luck guy"
Originally Posted by OS2
She had the message ready to send but didn't feel strong enough to physically press the send button and asked me to press it.

Seriously
Originally Posted by OS2
OM immediately phoned her swearing and telling her he'd beat me up (unbelievable, and what a nice man). I think the phone call actually gave W some closure as he wasn't pleasant and was trying to manipulate her.

So he's a bad guy for trying to manipulate her but it's ok she's manipulating you?

Look man I am not saying that at some point you can't reconcile but it is clear this is happening for two reasons. 1. Her OM turned out to be a dueshe bag and 2. she doesn't want to stay at her parents anymore. At best right not you have a stay of execution until an OM comes around.

If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to cheat again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

I am sure Sandi will come along and give you more detailed advice.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2893980
05/03/20 11:45 AM
05/03/20 11:45 AM
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sandi2 Offline
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I stalled and told her that she needed to be sure this is what she really wanted and that it was her decision and she said yes send it, and block him on everything for me. After clarifying, I did. OM immediately phoned her


Guess OM wasn't blocked after all.


Quote
I think the phone call actually gave W some closure as he wasn't pleasant and was trying to manipulate her.


Don't count on it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Help with WW #3 [Re: OS2] #2893989
05/03/20 02:12 PM
05/03/20 02:12 PM
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OS,
Good luck. I hope everything works out fantastically for you and your W.

I don’t know either one of you obviously, but be very careful. If she was over the OM enough to move on with you and you were the most important person in her life and didn’t wanna lose you, she’d do anything to make that happen. But she couldn’t get rid of the OM. She had you do it. That’s an issue because now she can blame you for sending it to the OM and tell him she didn’t do it. Or she can mentally tell herself the same thing. She left herself a path to open communication back up with the OM and she left a path to blame it on you if she does so. She can tell herself she wasn’t ready and you pushed her to do it.


Last edited by JosephS; 05/03/20 02:13 PM.

Me: 37
W: 33
Together 16 years plus
Married 15 years plus
5 kids, 16,15,12,11,8
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