A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Save your marriage singlehandedly with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available November 16-25 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100
So, I moved out all of W's stuff last night and took it round to her parents. W messaged me a few hours before to tell me she would intentionally be out as she would be too emotional. Her parents seemed sad, I tried to hold back the emotion. Once I got back W messaged and said she wanted to see me to talk. I said I didn't think there was anything to talk about but said she could come over if she wanted.
W came over, and started by telling me all the ways I have disappointed her and what she's found difficult over the last few weeks. A lot of distorted logic and over-actions to things I've recently said which I think may have just been excuses in her head for how she's acted. But then she broke down and said she doesn't want a D and doesn't think she can live without me. It all came out that she has strong feelings for OM, feels like she is infatuated and has seen him a few times over the last few months, including being intimate and is in contact a lot (which I presumed to be the case). Said she has broken it off with OM 3 times already including Sunday when she came home upset. We talked about all the usual A characteristics - "he understands me", "I'm different around him", "spark was gone" etc. I said that was all pretty usual. She said she thinks about me all the time when she's with OM. Essentially she said she is trapped and needs help and support and that she isn't strong enough. I validated. She said a few times she was shocked at how much I understood her, the situation and how understanding I was. Turns out I was right about nearly all of it, even at a deeper level as to precisely what the A gave her. She said she didn't want to tell me the extent of her feelings in an attempt to minimise the damage. OM wants a relationship with her I think but has apparently let her go without chasing previously.
She said after I found out she thought she might be best letting me go and trying to be single for a while. I said it was inevitable a relationship with OM would start in that case. She said she doesn't see a future with OM.
I told her since finding out she's been seeing him behind my back I've emotionally checked out of the relationship and have been seeking legal advice. Pictures taken down, her stuff out of the house, taken off my W ring. I told her I would think about what she had said.
She also said she would end it permanently with OM. I said if she did that she would need to do it with me involved. She said she would want to do it in person, I said that wouldn't be an option, she agreed. I told her she would have a long road ahead of work to do if she wanted me back and I wasn't sure. She said she thought she wouldn't find it that difficult because she would set her mind to it. She also said she would need to cut large groups of friends out of her life to honestly R which she has never said before and I know are really important to her. That also includes changing gyms and making some major lifestyle changes. She said she can't believe how badly she's treated me and feels she's been very cruel and cold which she didn't think she was capable of. I agreed.
I know it's all "she said" above ^ . I know I'm guilty of this. Believe nothing she says and half of what she does. So I'm sceptical of everything she has said and I know she could just be bouncing off the idea of losing me. I'm not rushing into anything now. She is so changeable day to day (just like I've been) she needs to prove herself over a sustained period before I will consider next steps. In just 1 week she has told me she wants to make it work, then broken it off with OM, then changed her mind, gone out with him, been caught, decided her M was probably over, wondered about dating again and then come crying back.
Sandi - could really do with your help here! Living separately, changeable from day to day. It feels like she is on the brink of properly wanting to come back but she still isn't ready yet and has a lot of work to do. I wouldn't be sure how to handle a R. I'm in 2 minds anyway now.
Looks like you’re a glutton for punishment. I’ll say one word to you. ACTIONS. She needs to contact MC. She needs to get herself into IC. She needs to give you all her passwords for her devices. She needs to draw up the “no contact letter to send to OM.
Only time will tell.
M:51 W:46 T:22 M:16 S:15 D:11
“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
OS2, I feel for you man. I've been reading over your sitch as mine is similar to yours but I'm a few months behind you. I'm also like yup listening to the smart members in the board but it can be hard to implement sometimes.
I will continue to follow you and your sitch. Be strong man. I'm following your lead...
Last edited by job; 03/28/2006:56 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.