What if this is her reconciliation? What if she did stop seeing the OM? Her friends have a major influence on her and they all are calling her on her cra@p. I don't know until she says it to be but I've near bed "believe nothing that she says and half of what she does."
Her behaviors lately show me she wants back in. I don't know her motives but are you telling me to not try to find out her intentions? Knowing how guarded and stubborn W is, I feel like this is her way back in. Only now to I require she goes to IC, owns her cr@p, and work on herself.
@kt626
Trust the vets in the forum. It sounds like you are not detached nor thinking clearly, and you are trying to convince yourself that she wants reconciliation because you think it will end your suffering.
Has she done the work to grow? What books have she read? Have she gone to indivicidual counseling?
If you give in now, the pattern will repeat again, and you will be in for more suffering.
My W has gone back to IC, however, she did cancel twice over the last two months. Since then, her IC was canceled by her therapist due to the Corona scare. If I asked, she would go back to MC but I'm not there yet.
In the meantime, I my thought process will be confident and civil. That's all she will see of me. Do that while following the boundaries of sleeping in the other room and taking care if my D.
Any other suggestions if she moves in due to a potential lockdown? If she doesn't move in it will be easier to detach so I'm hoping they don't lock us down.
There are two versions of reconciliation with a WW. One is structured and gives the most hope for a successful outcome. Her version is the other one. If you settle for her moving back indefinitely, sleeping in separate bedrooms, and acting as if nothing happened (like her infidelity), then you will buy yourself years of living in a soul crushing state of limbo.
The LBH cannot allow her to come back under her terms. She has a wayward mindset, so he's crazy to let her set the terms of reconciliation. He was the one betrayed! She's the one who has to regain his trust. She must prove herself by doing the hard work, or she won't come out of her wayward mindset. She has to agree to his terms. Now, you won't read this in Divorce Remedy, so don't be confused by what you read here. Just realize when you read the board's advice, you may feel you are getting something a little different in most cases. I wouldn't say it's different, but more like additional advice, and personalized.
So anyway, your W has been involved with OM, right? That means she not only has a wayward mindset, but she's openly rebelled against her M. Therefore, you need to understand that it's going to take work for both of you to heal from the effects of this affair. Your work and her work will not look the same. I encourage couples to seek a professional family therapist who specialize in couples healing after an affair. Don't go to some common MC.
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What if she did stop seeing the OM?
Well, what if she did? Like I said previously, it doesn't mean her heart has automatically changed. You were her Plan B all along, in case OM didn't work out. Is being Plan B okay with you? She thinks you would be tickled pink to get her back in the house under any circumstances. An unrepentant wayward wife is not going to offer the authentic measures necessary to save the M. She's going to get back through the door with as little as possible. Based on your posts, I think that's exactly what is happening.
Here's the thing, even if she has ended her affair, you would still need to follow certain terms in order to have a successful reconciliation.......unless you are willing to live in a sexless, loveless relationship for the rest of your life. You don't want that type of arrangement, do you? There was nothing I could determine about her moving home that indicated she was willing to work on the MR. Nothing about the M or the A was discussed, right? Like other unrepentant wayward wives, she told you the terms, and said nothing about working on the M. You don't know if OM is still in the picture, or anything. One thing's for sure.......just moving back doesn't mean reconciliation.
I think some of your confusion may be due to the possible lock down and her coming to stay a few days. Let's separate this by defining it as the lock down stay. It's not really an emergency, b/c she could stay where she's been staying, but just in order to help you distinguish two different events, we will refer to the lock down stay as one event, and the reconciliation as another event.
Was the agreement about her staying for the period of the lock down? Then don't look at this as some hidden sign that she wants to reconcile. It is a temporary stay! It is not a marriage reconciliation. You need to conduct yourself like it is nothing more than a temporary stay through the lock down.
If she really brings all her stuff back, like she's truly moving back? That's when you should speak up and get the low down on where she stands. Don't accept her excuses of not sure how she feels, or anything less than her willingness to cease all forms of contact with OM (and any other man), and will agree to full transparency. If she isn't willing to do the necessary work to save the M, then you shouldn't let her come back.
If she throws something at you and you're not sure how to respond, remember these words: "I'll have to think about it and let you know". I mean, you don't say it to every little thing, but if you seriously don't know which way to go, tell her these words, and then come to the board for advice.
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Her friends have a major influence on her and they all are calling her on her cra@p. I don't know until she says it to be but I've near bed "believe nothing that she says and half of what she does."
The rule about believe nothing she says and half of what she does.......is a metaphor. It's to let you know she can't be trusted to tell the truth. She is deceitful, and a trickster. She is a manipulator and has a sense of entitlement. Until she shows true remorse, humility, and asks for your forgiveness and is willing to do whatever it takes to save the MR........you don't believe what you hear or see from her. You don't even believe tears she may squeeze out of her eyes.
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Her behaviors lately show me she wants back in. I don't know her motives but are you telling me to not try to find out her intentions?
Separate the two possible periods she might come and stay. If she comes for the lock down period, then don't discuss the relationship with her. If she continues staying well after lock down period has past........then you speak up and about her intentions. I'm trusting that you did not verbally agree for her to stay there indefinitely, since you didn't say so in your post. If I'm wrong, then tell me.
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Knowing how guarded and stubborn W is, I feel like this is her way back in.
She can't come back to permanently stay if she has stubborn pride, b/c she won't work on the MR. She can't be guarded, b/c she will need to be open and cooperative about everything. Don't forget who is the cheater and liar here. Don't walk around on eggshells, afraid she'll leave. You've got to find the b@lls to stand up to her and make your terms known.......if she expects to stay there indefinitely. But for right now, try to relax a little bit b/c you can't absorb much information if you are scared out of your pants.
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Only now to I require she goes to IC, owns her cr@p, and work on herself.
No.....not IC. She needs to be willing to go with you to a family therapist who works with couples healing after an affair. Yes, she certainly needs to own her own her cr@p.
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I will continue to DB but I was only cordial today.
What does that mean?
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I really appreciate Sandi, Mumin, and everyone else who has offered me advice. I'm extremely thankful for this site.
As long as you will keep posting, you will get replies from those who want to give you support. We all have different personalities and styles of writing, but we have the same end goal in mind.
I want to remind you not to share with her what we say on the board. We are giving YOU the tools to use.
Don't give up. Things did not get to this place in a day, and they won't heal in a day. Continue to ask any questions you may have, and please don't hesitate to ask for clarification of anything I've stated.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
QUOTE So anyway, your W has been involved with OM, right? That means she not only has a wayward mindset, but she's openly rebelled against her M. Therefore, you need to understand that it's going to take work for both of you to heal from the effects of this affair. Your work and her work will not look the same. I encourage couples to seek a professional family therapist who specialize in couples healing after an affair. Don't go to some common MC.
We were seeing a MC who specializes in divorce mediation. We liked him, but I stopped going due to her (at the time) contnuing to talk to the OM
QUOTE Here's the thing, even if she has ended her affair, you would still need to follow certain terms in order to have a successful reconciliation.......unless you are willing to live in a sexless, loveless relationship for the rest of your life. You don't want that type of arrangement, do you? There was nothing I could determine about her moving home that indicated she was willing to work on the MR. Nothing about the M or the A was discussed, right? Like other unrepentant wayward wives, she told you the terms, and said nothing about working on the M. You don't know if OM is still in the picture, or anything. One thing's for sure.......just moving back doesn't mean reconciliation. I agree. She is trying to find a way in but I will post an update below as there has been some effort on her part to begin to own her horrible behaviors.
QUOTE I think some of your confusion may be due to the possible lock down and her coming to stay a few days. Let's separate this by defining it as the lock down stay. It's not really an emergency, b/c she could stay where she's been staying, but just in order to help you distinguish two different events, we will refer to the lock down stay as one event, and the reconciliation as another event.
That is a good way to look at it.
QUOTE Was the agreement about her staying for the period of the lock down? Then don't look at this as some hidden sign that she wants to reconcile. It is a temporary stay! It is not a marriage reconciliation. You need to conduct yourself like it is nothing more than a temporary stay through the lock down.
We really didn't talk about it. We just said if there was a lockdown we would have to suck it up and live together to get through this. I implied that to mean she would move out when it is done. I have decided she needs to end contact with the OM (I haven't even asked her because I am detaching and focusing on myself), she continues IC (she was going but things have changed with the Corona), full transparency, and begin MC. She will not stay here unless those things happen. I am thinking 3-6 MC sessions before I even determine if she can come back. However, I don't even think we can get an appointment right now with everything closing.
QUOTE If she really brings all her stuff back, like she's truly moving back? That's when you should speak up and get the low down on where she stands. Don't accept her excuses of not sure how she feels, or anything less than her willingness to cease all forms of contact with OM (and any other man), and will agree to full transparency. If she isn't willing to do the necessary work to save the M, then you shouldn't let her come back.
She barely even took anything out of the house other than clothes. But I will know her intentions before I agree to any longer stay. She needs to respect my wishes on R if she is moving in.
QUOTE If she throws something at you and you're not sure how to respond, remember these words: "I'll have to think about it and let you know". I mean, you don't say it to every little thing, but if you seriously don't know which way to go, tell her these words, and then come to the board for advice.
Great advice.
QUOTE Separate the two possible periods she might come and stay. If she comes for the lock down period, then don't discuss the relationship with her. If she continues staying well after lock down period has past........then you speak up and about her intentions. I'm trusting that you did not verbally agree for her to stay there indefinitely, since you didn't say so in your post. If I'm wrong, then tell me.
There was no long term talk of her staying or going. However, she will know what I expect if she plans to come back for good. My hope is there isn't a lockdown and she can't move in until I say.
QUOTE No.....not IC. She needs to be willing to go with you to a family therapist who works with couples healing after an affair. Yes, she certainly needs to own her own her cr@p.
I agree.
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I will continue to DB but I was only cordial today.
What does that mean?
It means I was acting confident in myself, seeming happy and content, but also civil towards her.
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I really appreciate Sandi, Mumin, and everyone else who has offered me advice. I'm extremely thankful for this site.
As long as you will keep posting, you will get replies from those who want to give you support. We all have different personalities and styles of writing, but we have the same end goal in mind.
I want to remind you not to share with her what we say on the board. We are giving YOU the tools to use.
Don't give up. Things did not get to this place in a day, and they won't heal in a day. Continue to ask any questions you may have, and please don't hesitate to ask for clarification of anything I've stated.
I had our D and my W was to come to get her after she got out of work. She asked if we all wanted to go for a walk. I agreed this time. Again, I was civil but not chasing in any way. When we got back, she said that she was disappointed in herself and that everyone should be disappointed in her. She asked if my family and friends hated her. I told her no but they were also disappointed and angry that you did this. She said he understood that. That they deserve to have "choice words" with her.
We started talking logistics of the week (she begins working from home as I do so we talked about what that would look like for our D). She asked if she could have dinner at the house due to working late. I agreed. At that point, she said, we are taking this one day at a time. I didn't really respond and refocused on my D. We did hang out outside for a few hours and we did have laughs and good discussion (not about the A). I realize this may look like she is trying to brush this under the rug, which she could be, but I will not allow her off the hook that easy. As Sandi said, if she plans to stay longterm she will then know my expectations. If it is a lockdown, she is "the old lady living with me who owes me rent" and I will not discuss the A or R at all.
I could tell this was her way of "breaking the ice" to start the convo. However, I didn't want to have it then nor did I want to push her about the OM. Should I ask if she is going to move in as a result of a lockdown? I would definitely ask if was her just moving in w/o a lockdown. Truth be told, she can't see him anyways and I know for a fact she hasn't been seeing him because she is at her parents, at work, or at my house. I know I am naive, but I think she is removing herself from him. It helps she doesn't have a choice with the Corona scare. Hell, she bartends once a week down the road and that is where she met the OM...the place closed its doors a few days ago and said they don't know if they can open again (they were struggling financially before the Corona scar).
I guess what I am saying is, I know my W. She is so stubborn, defensive and builds walls anytime there is a problem. Yesterday, she took a few bricks down. But that doesn't mean my wall is coming down. But she is definitely beginning to change.
We were seeing a MC who specializes in divorce mediation. We liked him, but I stopped going due to her (at the time) contnuing to talk to the OM
Divorce mediation does not sound the same as a qualified therapist working with the couple to heal and save their M. Isn't it someone who works to resolve issues in the divorce? Maybe I'm wrong. One thing I'm not wrong about is this........as long as your WW is continuing to contact OM, she's not going to do the work to save her MR. Her work begins when she ends all contact with OM.
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We really didn't talk about it. We just said if there was a lockdown we would have to suck it up and live together to get through this.
Why would you have to live together to get through this health crisis? Did she give an explanation, or did she just say that's what you'd need to do......and you didn't object to her? I only bring this up b/c I have a feeling some of communication issues in the past were due to her not clearly stating things and you assuming what she meant. (I am bad at making assumptions, also.)
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I implied that to mean she would move out when it is done. I have decided she needs to end contact with the OM (I haven't even asked her because I am detaching and focusing on myself),
Yep, I can see how communication is a big problem.
We started talking logistics of the week (she begins working from home as I do so we talked about what that would look like for our D). She asked if she could have dinner at the house due to working late. I agreed. At that point, she said, we are taking this one day at a time. I didn't really respond and refocused on my D. We did hang out outside for a few hours and we did have laughs and good discussion (not about the A). I realize this may look like she is trying to brush this under the rug, which she could be, but I will not allow her off the hook that easy.
I suspect rug sweeping is exactly what she's trying to do. I've seen this same scenario played many times, and almost the same words spoken by the WW. WW's are like snakes who try to slither through a crack. She thinks she can be nice a couple of days and you won't require anything more from her. She's going to be surprised, may even get riled up when she finds out you aren't that easily played. Look, I know you want to believe she has kicked her OM to the curb, but please don't bank on it. Just b/c she isn't seeing him in person, doesn't mean she's not in contact with him. When your W said, "We are taking this one day at a time", was when you should have spoke up and let her know where you stand. Oh boy, have I heard that line used by many WW's who had no intention of doing the right thing. She's looking out for number one, and thinks she can just slither under the door and the H will have to accept it.
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Should I ask if she is going to move in as a result of a lockdown? I would definitely ask if was her just moving in w/o a lockdown.
I'm confused. I thought she was there. Anyway, here's my suggestion. You can ask her what her intentions are. If she still beats around the bush, then tell her you are not in favor of her staying there indefinitely.....without a commitment from her to do the necessary work to save the M. Also tell her that you won't settle for just taking one day at a time to see if things will simply ease back into a comfortable arrangement, b/c a lot more will be required before you are willing to live under the same roof without a serious commitment to saving the MR. If she asks what you mean, then you can start by telling her you won't live in an open marriage, and she'll need to end all manner of contact with OM. If she claims they've broken up or whatever, you tell her you wish you could believe her, but it's not that simple anymore. She has betrayed your trust, so if she wants to reconcile, then she needs to agree to transparency. No matter how she balks, or cries that it is intrusion of privacy, or claims you only want to control her.......stick to your guns. Don't back down. There is no need to bring up anything else, until she agrees to no contact with OM, and agrees to transparency. Understand? If she agrees, then you can continue with the rest of your terms. If she doesn't agree, then tell her there is nothing else to say at this time, and then leave the room or whatever.
I had hoped she wouldn't play this game, and you could wait until after the lock down period. However, since she's already making noises about taking a day at a time, that's a signal she plans to settle down and live like roommates. If you feel you are strong enough to handle it, then go ahead and approach her. But don't start out by asking her about the OM. You need to tell her what you need in order to reconcile, and if she won't cooperate, then you will prepare to take the next step. (The next step, meaning you will seek legal separation or divorce.) If you can't back up your words, then don't even put it out there. BTW, do not agree to an "in-house separation". That's the worse thing you could do. I've never seen it work.
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But she is definitely beginning to change.
She has showed no real changes. You had a couple of good days, b/c she wants to come home. That's all. True changing doesn't come that easy! A wayward W has it pretty rough while making real changes, b/c she has to get her heart/mindset right and try to make amends for everything she's done to you. Her old stubborn pride will want to hold her back. She'll want to tell you "her terms" of reconciliation. She's in no position to give terms, b/c you are the betrayed party. I'm not saying you don't have things to work on, but she can't be all high & mighty, laying down the rules to you. I've seen many, many WW's play that card. No, that doesn't work. She is the one who broke the wedding vows, not you. You can't afford to be weak when you are dealing with her. It's hard, b/c you want her back, but if you won't back down, there's a good chance she'll work through this and your M will be saved. She may refuse at first, but if she wants to live with you......she'll decide to do the necessary work.
All I can do is try to warn you how a WW operates. It doesn't matter that you know her as your W, b/c she is no longer that same person. Currently, I don't think you know this wayward wife at all. In my WW thread on "Help for the Newcomer LBH with a WW #2" I talk about the danger of taking back a WW too quickly and too easily.......if you are interested in reading it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We were seeing a MC who specializes in divorce mediation. We liked him, but I stopped going due to her (at the time) contnuing to talk to the OM
Divorce mediation does not sound the same as a qualified therapist working with the couple to heal and save their M. Isn't it someone who works to resolve issues in the divorce? Maybe I'm wrong. One thing I'm not wrong about is this........as long as your WW is continuing to contact OM, she's not going to do the work to save her MR. Her work begins when she ends all contact with OM.
-------The MC does have experience with working through relationships. He wants it to work for us...I know that because he is seeing me individually now (after I said I wouldn't go back to MC with her until she ends contact with the OM. --------
[quote]We really didn't talk about it. We just said if there was a lockdown we would have to suck it up and live together to get through this.
Why would you have to live together to get through this health crisis? Did she give an explanation, or did she just say that's what you'd need to do......and you didn't object to her? I only bring this up b/c I have a feeling some of communication issues in the past were due to her not clearly stating things and you assuming what she meant. (I am bad at making assumptions, also.)
--------she would only live in my house if they lockdown and you can't send my daughter back and forth between our houses (she lives with her parents and me in the house). I didn't object because raising a 3 year old, by myself while working for up to two weeks would be very, very difficult. Also, not good for my D. ------------
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I implied that to mean she would move out when it is done. I have decided she needs to end contact with the OM (I haven't even asked her because I am detaching and focusing on myself),
Yep, I can see how communication is a big problem.
Should I ask if she is going to move in as a result of a lockdown? I would definitely ask if was her just moving in w/o a lockdown.
I'm confused. I thought she was there. Anyway, here's my suggestion. You can ask her what her intentions are. If she still beats around the bush, then tell her you are not in favor of her staying there indefinitely.....without a commitment from her to do the necessary work to save the M. Also tell her that you won't settle for just taking one day at a time to see if things will simply ease back into a comfortable arrangement, b/c a lot more will be required before you are willing to live under the same roof without a serious commitment to saving the MR. If she asks what you mean, then you can start by telling her you won't live in an open marriage, and she'll need to end all manner of contact with OM. If she claims they've broken up or whatever, you tell her you wish you could believe her, but it's not that simple anymore. She has betrayed your trust, so if she wants to reconcile, then she needs to agree to transparency. No matter how she balks, or cries that it is intrusion of privacy, or claims you only want to control her.......stick to your guns. Don't back down. There is no need to bring up anything else, until she agrees to no contact with OM, and agrees to transparency. Understand? If she agrees, then you can continue with the rest of your terms. If she doesn't agree, then tell her there is nothing else to say at this time, and then leave the room or whatever.
--------she is not living here until they order a lockdown. Today, they ordered all nonessential companies to close, but no lockdown or stay in place. Therefore, she is not going to live here. In regards to the OM, when do I ask her if she is still in contact? I would like to believe that she is a decent human and after hurting me so bad she wouldn't do that again. But I realize that is naive. I just find it hard she would do all of this again. She had her chance to leave after all of this, and has, but now to call crawling back. Oh, after reading through OS2 sitch, we sound like we have similar issues. My W did give me the line "I just want to be happy" yesterday...I said, yeah me too--------
I had hoped she wouldn't play this game, and you could wait until after the lock down period. However, since she's already making noises about taking a day at a time, that's a signal she plans to settle down and live like roommates. If you feel you are strong enough to handle it, then go ahead and approach her. But don't start out by asking her about the OM. You need to tell her what you need in order to reconcile, and if she won't cooperate, then you will prepare to take the next step. (The next step, meaning you will seek legal separation or divorce.) If you can't back up your words, then don't even put it out there. BTW, do not agree to an "in-house separation". That's the worse thing you could do. I've never seen it work.
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But she is definitely beginning to change.
She has showed no real changes. You had a couple of good days, b/c she wants to come home. That's all. True changing doesn't come that easy! A wayward W has it pretty rough while making real changes, b/c she has to get her heart/mindset right and try to make amends for everything she's done to you. Her old stubborn pride will want to hold her back. She'll want to tell you "her terms" of reconciliation. She's in no position to give terms, b/c you are the betrayed party. I'm not saying you don't have things to work on, but she can't be all high & mighty, laying down the rules to you. I've seen many, many WW's play that card. No, that doesn't work. She is the one who broke the wedding vows, not you. You can't afford to be weak when you are dealing with her. It's hard, b/c you want her back, but if you won't back down, there's a good chance she'll work through this and your M will be saved. She may refuse at first, but if she wants to live with you......she'll decide to do the necessary work.
-----------If there isn't a lockdown, then she won't move in. Then I will continue to detach and GAL (the best I can with everything closed). Should I restate my demands? End contact with the OM, MC, and IC for her (which neither of those can even happen with everything closed)------- And I like hearing you say if I don't back down there is a good chance this marriage can be saved. I truly believe it can and need to follow your advice on how to make that happen. It just becomes more difficult with business closed, MC and C's closed, social distancing (that is why she is hanging out here because we are not hanging out with anyone else but each other). Is that a good thing...we are forced to spend some quality time as a family? There is no other option for weeks. I can tell she had fun yesterday, and there must be some part of the plan to have her love me again by me being secure, civil, and seemingly unbothered by her being WW.--------------
All I can do is try to warn you how a WW operates. It doesn't matter that you know her as your W, b/c she is no longer that same person. Currently, I don't think you know this wayward wife at all. In my WW thread on "Help for the Newcomer LBH with a WW #2" I talk about the danger of taking back a WW too quickly and too easily.......if you are interested in reading it.
---------I'm going to check it out now. Also, I need to figure out this quoting thing...no matter what I do it doesn't work for me! ----------
Is that a good thing...we are forced to spend some quality time as a family? There is no other option for weeks. I think she is removing herself from him. It helps she doesn't have a choice with the Corona scare.
Hi Kto626,
Consider you may be overblowing how much coronavirus restricts her options. Most shelter-in-place laws allow exceptions for "essential activities"--a broad term that in my area includes complying with court orders (custody changes). In my divorced parents group' nobody mentioned moving in with their ex because of coronavirus. Driving to transfer kids between homes itself wouldn't seem to affect risk much, unless one home was inherently risky e.g., a house vs. being a roommate in an apartment.
Another essential activity is outdoor exercise while maintaining 6 or more feet of social distance. I went hiking with 9 people this week and have had long calls with old friends. I don't see that me being intimate with my partner is any more or less COVID-19 risky than her being with OM as long as they're monogamous. She's less likely to "happen" across existing or new men while bartending or out dancing.
In my divorced parents group' nobody mentioned moving in with their ex because of coronavirus. Driving to transfer kids between homes itself wouldn't seem to affect risk much, unless one home was inherently risky e.g., a house vs. being a roommate in an apartment.
Exactly my point a few posts earlier. There is no way they would stop ppl from allowing their kids to meet there parents.
How to QUOTE: Select and copy what you want to quote. Click 'Use full editor' at the end of the page. Cick the button that looks like quotation-marks " A text like this appears: [qote][/qute] Paste what you want to quote in the middle, like this [qote] MY QUOTE[/qute]
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Is that a good thing...we are forced to spend some quality time as a family? There is no other option for weeks. I think she is removing herself from him. It helps she doesn't have a choice with the Corona scare.
Hi Kto626,
Consider you may be overblowing how much coronavirus restricts her options. Most shelter-in-place laws allow exceptions for "essential activities"--a broad term that in my area includes complying with court orders (custody changes). In my divorced parents group' nobody mentioned moving in with their ex because of coronavirus. Driving to transfer kids between homes itself wouldn't seem to affect risk much, unless one home was inherently risky e.g., a house vs. being a roommate in an apartment.
At this point, we are being "advised" to stay home. So it isn't necessary for her to stay. However, she is going to work from here upstairs so she can help with the D. I guess I am letting her back in without staying here but maybe I dumb. I still don't know if I should just ask about the OM or state my requirements, one being ending contact with the OM, and see how she reacts??
Another essential activity is outdoor exercise while maintaining 6 or more feet of social distance. I went hiking with 9 people this week and have had long calls with old friends. I don't see that me being intimate with my partner is any more or less COVID-19 risky than her being with OM as long as they're monogamous. She's less likely to "happen" across existing or new men while bartending or out dancing.
Yeah, I have been going for walks and having bonfires with people while staying away.
