I'm kind of cutting off my mom and limiting contact with friends. My mom has the best intentions but any time I blow off steam about H I'm inundated with lengthy texts about contacting atty, getting a protective order, change his address to his parents so I can get him off auto insurance, blah blah blah.
I have the same issues here with my mum. I haven’t spoken to her hardly in a year because she has always treated H poorly and with disrespect. And I hate that I let that happen and didn’t stand up for him (because I don’t like confrontation with her as she would go off and cry and make out she’d done nothing wrong and that I was the bad guy for upsetting her). Since the separation 2 weeks ago, I texted her to tell her he’d left, she started replying with a few supportive messages but these quickly turned into anti-H messages, such as urging me to not let him see the children because of C-19. It was nothing to do about the children, it was about punishing him. After her multitude of texts of screenshots of govt advice and regulations (all of which I knew already) I said, I’m not stopping them seeing him END OF. I’ve never cut her off like that before, and it felt good. And I haven’t spoken to her since. I can’t bring myself to contact her because of her toxic behaviours. It’s really sad
Hang in there and if it feels better not to talk with her, then don’t put yourself through more anxiety by doing so.
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
My H said the same thing - that it wouldn't be a good idea if he slept with OW and that any relationship wouldn't work long term... even took a moment and said nope, wouldn't work.
Are they saying this because they know they are just looking for a short term fix for their pain OR is it all about keeping us as plan B?
Its probably NOT worth mulling over but seeing that in someone else's thread triggered me.
H also had the same brief convo with me 3 times in 24hr - twice on phone and then in person. Is that to convince himself? Could he have seen I've dropped 15lb... that I'm working on myself again, finally... and its in anger?
CW- you speak that he still has attachment to me?
Steve85 - He has to feel he has lost me before he would ever if even get his crap together?
OK. That was my 15min of alloted time to mull this over today. Heading to work today, exercise remains top priority in these lockdown times, clean house, play with dogs, knit.
My brain knows it's way to early in my sitch to expect any changes.
Anything he might see and feel in me is too early to trust. He has no fear of losing me. His last words to me last week is that he was trying to respect my wishes.
I've had this strong urge to ask him to call so we could talk... why???? Even if he agreed to call to talk I dont have any idea what I would say to him so it all seems silly... is it to see if hei would even talk at all?
I want to text that since he is not paying off the cars could he move that money back to other acct?
What does it matter? Am I being controlling?
I know I'm type A personality. I know I have a strong need for neat and tidy.
IMO the single most unproductive and damaging thing a LBS can do it hang onto a WWs words. Unfortunately this is quite common.
Right now especially being type A you are under the "illusion of action" where you feel you have to do something To convince him that staying with you is the right choice.
If you want to so something then your action should be to drop the rope and let him go. Lead a kick a$$ life. At some point he is likely to have second thoughts about his decision. If you're leading a great life he will be tempted. If you have made no improvements and are offering the same relationship he will likely keep moving forward.
IMO the single most unproductive and damaging thing a LBS can do it hang onto a WWs words. Unfortunately this is quite common.
Right now especially being type A you are under the "illusion of action" where you feel you have to do something To convince him that staying with you is the right choice.
If you want to so something then your action should be to drop the rope and let him go. Lead a kick a$$ life. At some point he is likely to have second thoughts about his decision. If you're leading a great life he will be tempted. If you have made no improvements and are offering the same relationship he will likely keep moving forward.
Do not contact him for anything.
Thank you...
I know I was very tempted today especially about the money he has moved around and not paying off the cars as he said he would.
But, he needs to feel my absence.
I need to let go.
If he misses me at all it will be a very long time from now as he is giving his all to OW.
Sooo observations on how things are different in the last week:
Contact prior to being 100% gone was limited/brief. I was guilty of hovering at times which was not good. But, on the times I wasn't hovering I caught him seeking me out... he would try to be sly such as looking into the room very quickly to catch a glimpse of me to know that I was there. Walking though out the house to... oh there you are... blah blah blah... oh your heading out... blah blah blah.
They say for every negative encounter it requires 5 positive ones to counteract it. So I was trying to make bank that the brief positives times would start to out stack the negative ones.
Now that he is 100% out of the house there are literally no interactions. There are text exchanges but texts can be difficult to navigate. You cannot interpret tone in a text message. Its easy for someone already primed with negative thoughts to take even the most simple text message as threat/disrespect. Yes, there have been a few phone calls but seeing how I am not detached emotion can end up being a run away train. I'm grateful that in all phone calls (save one where he hung up on me) I have been the one to end the call.
I try very hard to not be the last one to text in any exchange. That's a 180 for me... having to to have the last word. So I let them hang if I feel that anything I add does not require a response and make sure I do not leave it as the last one.
I suppose there is more mystery for him that he is not here? Some might suggest that. To me its seems out of sight out of mind and he is able to focus more on what is the here and now for him which is OW. Its just there is no increased contact from his end now that he is out of the house.
So if you are musing in your sitch whether its better for the spouse to be in the home or out. I would have to say in despite the fact that yes I needed to kick mine to the curb. At least even in the brief 10-30min of contact you can't tell me he hasn't noticed I wear a new perfume and I've lost 15lb. Even if you don't like someone you do tend to notice those things.
My H truly dispieses his first EW not so much for what happened to their M but more the following 10yr where she spent so much time and energy keeping his kids from him. But, before we were M we were at an event with the kids and he noticed how much weight she had lost and commented. It wasn't something she maintained as she quickly ballooned in all the years that followed. So I know he must see it... but doesn't trust me that the 180s will stick this time.
Outside of that I am working on what some people refer to as a clean slate message. Not with the intent of giving to H or least not anywhere in the near future for sure. H doesn't like to read ramblings so I have to work on a message that is compact, concise and meaningful. I'm looking for 3-5 sentences max. I'm a wordy girl so that will be a challenge.
I'm struggling today with no contact. I keep picking up my phone with the thoughts:
Since you are not paying off the vehicles right now would you consider moving the funds back to the other account.
I can't get the clean button to turn off on the Ninja - I guess I'm just going to have very clean coffee!
I cannot open that can of worms. I cannot have his phone go off when he is with OW and its me. That would be so lame and humiliating not to mention create yet another bonding experience for them.
I'm trying to let go of all expectations. That is difficult. I work in a field where if you X you expect Y. I've never had the best in patience. Even in my professional career of 30yr I often still get nervous and don't let treatment have enough time before re-evaluating/changing course - I want things better and I want them better now! In contrast my H has been instant gratification guru. It led to some issues early on in our M and he recognizes this is true and I have to say I've seem improvement over the years. To the point when he whined and complained about wanting a new truck I just said go get one. Go pick out what you want and what you will be happy with and we will make it work. Funny... I got all kinds of excuses why he should wait due this/that. Sadly I feel that OW is more of his instant gratification popping back up.
I'm still working on knitting socks. I hope to have 2 complete pairs in a couple of more days. Cleaning the house. Its been a challenging weekend with the puppy. 6 months, 60 pounds and loose stools... yup, you get the picture. Didn't call/text H once to complain OR ask for help. I realized that if he were interested he would have been here. And, I've picked up an online coach. Goals are to work on myself and increase my emotional attraction.
Hi KitCat, love you're self-policing that those aren't good reasons to reach out and are staying dark.
Originally Posted by KitCat
To me its seems out of sight out of mind and he is able to focus more on what is the here and now for him which is OW.
As they spend time together without breaks, their "grass-is-greener" illusions of one another may vanish, and they'll see more clearly what each other offers. You often see a WWS with an AP calling their LBS to complain about their day, because they need to tell someone, but don't want to risk turning off their AP.
If you manage no-contact, he may begin to realize feelings he blamed you for are actually internal to him. My ex realized her feeling exhausted and super-messed-up were due to her disease and not me and sought medical help. I realized nobody could fill my need for validation--that could only come from within.
Again, I see your strength, and I'm loving where you are going.
Ok clearly quarantine is getting to me much like Jack N in the shining...
Inside my head:
So I wondered WHY I wasn't DBing from the very get go of the BD? I had been here before. What was holding me back? What was making it so difficult?
Last time my H never moved out and while he had a realtor and looked at houses we shared the same bed and he was home every night. We still talked about basics... work... when he was working over. Nothing financially had changed.
I won't lie it was still a lot of hard work last time.
So why this time was I dragging my feet with something that I knew would be the only way to get back on track? Was it this time he was leaving... finances were changing... he was really buying that house... we stopped talking basics... now there was OW?
Was I overwhelmed? I think I looking back I felt this time he was TRULY gone. There was no hope of reversal... he had given me a second chance and I had squandered it. And, ultimately did I have it in me to do the work really necessary and give it the time it required to save my M?
I think if I couldn't get it back immediately what was the point??? That if I kicked him out and he didn't have this Aha moment and want to work it out would it ever??? Would there ever be a chance that he would remember why he married me???
That's a lot to struggle with AND THEN>>>>>>>
I think back to myself and previous relationships that have ended. I've chased terribly. I've begged and pleaded in the past. I done foolish things like finding out information about them, etc etc. I did terribly needy things to push them out the door. Not proud but I can admit being immature at the demise or rejection in the past.
Of course I have stated to my H that this is not what I want. That this is not the solution to our problems. That he shouldn't have given up on me. That I did cry in the beginning but not since. But, I haven't snooped outside of what is not just laid out in front of me. I left him alone for days at a time. I am not the one to call or text first. I don't always DB like I should but I'm not slamming him with a dozen texts when he doesn't pick up the phone.
Why is that? Why is my behavior so much different that what is "normal" for me? Is it because this one really matters??? Is it because deep down despite resenting the work that lies ahead of me he is totally worth the fight? Is our M worth that fight?
Clearly the easy route is to accept the friend zone. Its been offered... If that were the case I could call or text daily. I wouldn't care so much what he thought. We could casually discuss D and start sorting out who gets the juicer or the smoker... etc.
What's my motivation? What's putting me in a place that rather than figure out which account the funds should stay in until used I'm letting it go AND not texting him over it?... that a simple logistics text that makes sense for us is less important than letting him feel my absence?
I'm letting go WAY sooner than I would at any other relationship demise. Maybe not truly detached and dropping the rope per say but I'm really doing my absolute best to save the M.
Maybe I should ask them to up my medication???? :-)
Hi KitCat, love you're self-policing that those aren't good reasons to reach out and are staying dark.
Originally Posted by KitCat
To me its seems out of sight out of mind and he is able to focus more on what is the here and now for him which is OW.
As they spend time together without breaks, their "grass-is-greener" illusions of one another may vanish, and they'll see more clearly what each other offers. You often see a WWS with an AP calling their LBS to complain about their day, because they need to tell someone, but don't want to risk turning off their AP.
If you manage no-contact, he may begin to realize feelings he blamed you for are actually internal to him. My ex realized her feeling exhausted and super-messed-up were due to her disease and not me and sought medical help. I realized nobody could fill my need for validation--that could only come from within.
Again, I see your strength, and I'm loving where you are going.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Like I said earlier... becareful what you wish for... i have had no contact from him at all.
I'm still in a terrible struggle... I still want to text... I have this terrible need touch base and ask if his extended family are doing ok. I hope this passes soon.
Interestingly in the last week I have noticed he has taken every call I have made to him. Now most of those times we were texting and I just found it easier to call. But last Thursday I called 3 times with logistics issues and he answered every single time.
I know dont read anything into it... period. It's just speculation. Like why he feels my asking for the garage openers is a control thing.
