"How many times do I have to ask the sky to stop wetting my hair?" However many times it takes to realize that asking is ineffective, and to take personal ownership by carrying an umbrella.
YES --- I can ignore his texts/calls
What do I do when he demands to get something... I have no right to prevent him access to???
I do not wanting him showing up with the police or anything.
I am chiming in here with an al-anon principle of giving someone the dignity to fail on their own. The more you try to fix and help and solve his problems, the less time and energy you spend on yourself. If he forgets his ID somewhere - he is an adult man and can get it himself!
(Conversely, give him room to succeed on his own, too)
I see what you are saying - its just he left it at the house and wanted to get it. I cannot deny him his ID?
Legally I cannot bar him from the house and while he is pushing back on that he did back down based on my principle of needing my own space through this. I tried making a point of saying I have no idea where he is and I'm not showing up there announced or otherwise.
Its way to early in our sitch for him to have a change of heart or regret. I get that. His mind is made up.
I'm trying hard to pull back. And, I do really good NOT contacting him first. However, I did a poor job of repeating his texts to him today. I need to take action and remove myself from his banter.
I'm trying to get my strength and work on my issues that caused our M to collapse. I'm focusing on my future. I know if he can give me 4 days of no contact... like I have been asking for so long it will help me. How many times do I have to ask for space???
I'm giving him his.
I know I still have a lot to work on.
I didn't say deny him his ID or bar him from the house - letting him solve his own problems means no actual involvement at all. If you are really wanting to resolve this ID situation, mail it to him. It seems you are not really examining the gray area - everything seems black and white. Either you're being super nice to him, or swinging the other way and being petty. Both take energy. I understand ignoring him takes energy now, too. You deserve your own attention and energy way more than he does.
Echoing CW's sentiment: he doesn't GIVE you space, you TAKE your own space and ignore him, regardless of what he does. Block his number, put notifications off, etc. etc. If you feel you want to reply, either make yourself wait 24 hours or write it down and burn it.
I did say I could mail the ID... but then he continued to text and went off the deep end stating he would get x, y, z.. But I do see what you are saying about just letting things go.
I'm not sure what to do or say about the next issue - We Share A Calendar on our phones.
He is still using this calendar and I can everything he is adding to it. Surely he has not forgotten its a shared calender??? He sees things that I add and at one point 4 weeks ago mentioned to S18 about his competition that weekend. He would have never remembered if he hadn't seen it on the calendar.
He hadn't been using it for a month... NOW he is using it a ton.
He put a vacation to WV on it for 5 days. He has put his phone consult with free atty one month from today.
This is just weird.
He must have spaced that this is a shared calendar????
Again - I now I am giving him too much credit and thought. I will just be quiet and maybe he will figure it out.
I do not wanting him showing up with the police or anything.
When I had issues with anxiety, one of the exercises they had me do was to visualize these "catastrophic" scenarios. You often realize they aren't as catastrophic as you initially worried. Imagine: 1. He bangs on the door unannounced. "I want in NOW to get my toothbrush. It's urgent. I'll get cavities!!" 2. He didn't give you advance notice of his visit. You happen to be in your bedroom with the door closed and your headphones on. 3. He calls the police non-emergency line. 4. The police come 40min later and he says the door his front door is locked and blames you. 5. You police rev their sirens, shout, etc. 6. You open the door. You tell him, "Oh! I had my headphones on. Wish I'd known you were coming" You tell the police, "Sorry for the bother. I didn't know he was moving things out today."
Originally Posted by KitCat
What do I do when he demands to get something... I have no right to prevent him access to???
::2hrs later:: "Okay--give me a few hours' heads-up before you head over."
Originally Posted by KitCat
did say I could mail the ID... but then he continued to text and went off the deep end stating he would get x, y, z..
If your phone is set to hide alerts, it's usually be 2-4hrs before you see each message anyway.
I started out being cool that when he said he needed his ID I replied over an hour later with just OK.
That was good. But once I agreed he started snowballing with this that and the other... I again tried to play it cool by stating this was a very busy time let's try for the weekend... AGAIN I know I did well.
But more snowballing from him and it was game over for me... I reacted by baulking and saying no... and he upped his game.
He is still asking about the financial order. He is expecting me to lift it. Of course I can use the excuse that courts are closed but then he told me to talk to the broker. I could use the excuse he is out of town due to spring break this week.
I tried telling him that whatever money he uses before assest are divided that I would then own this house with him. That is what my atty is telling me. She is stating he not use any marital assets to buy this house. I'm not sure what his free atty is telling him.
If he wants out so badly go rent a 2 bedroom apartment so he is not so cramped/complaining about her 1 bedroom apt. Who goes out and buys a house when nothing has been settled with the court??
When I brought it up last night about how he can't sell the boat right now he seemed confused. Like we have already divided up assets verbally and its all a done deal. He lectured me on why legal s wasn't an option because I would be unable to sell the house during that time but suddenly he can sell the boat?
Is this just more of the fantasyland that WH live in?
Now that you have a lawyer, any legal questions should be handled by the lawyers. One thing that you need to do is stop attempting to reason w/him over anything, especially the financial/asset side of the everything. If he has any questions concerning the financial order and why your lawyer is against giving him money to purchase another home, then he should be directing his frustration and questions to his own legal counsel.
About him coming to the home and getting things. Have him give you a list of what he wants, then set those things somewhere safe, schedule a time for pick up and remind him that you are only going to compile what is on that list. Be sure you keep a copy of that list and take photos of what he is picking up. Advise him that you need a date and time for the pick up and if he misses that opportunity, then another date and time will need to be scheduled. I would also make sure that my son was there as a witness to the pick up of items.
As for the shared calendar...I would suggest you stop posting on that calendar and if there is a way tor remove that app from your phone, then by all means do so. He may very well be posting stuff on there just so that you can see it and get you all spun up over the postings. There's no rhyme or reason for what they do...but they are really good at aggravating us. So, take control and delete that app from your phone.
As for replying to texts, read them and determine if they really require a response. If they do, then reply back at a later time. If it's an emergency, then reply as quickly as possible...but otherwise, leave them until later.
Please, please stop trying to rationalize w/this man. You can't do it because he doesn't want to hear it right now. He is a desperate man who wants everything done his way and it's not going to happen. He figures that the more he badgers you, that one day soon you will finally give in. They are like 2 years olds who want everything their way and will continue to annoy "mom" until "mom" gives in.
You have more control over things than you think. Take back the control...stop telling him you need time and space. That is just fueling his fire to annoy the h*ll out of you. Just take that time and space back. Actions speak louder than words. Remember...your words are falling on deaf ears right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Work is slow today. I'm kind of cutting off my mom and limiting contact with friends. My mom has the best intentions but any time I blow off steam about H I'm inundated with lengthy texts about contacting atty, getting a protective order, change his address to his parents so I can get him off auto insurance, blah blah blah.
I'm overwhelmed on a good day and the bad days I just cave to what I eventually think are bad decisions made out of anxiety.
I need a clear head.
I'm willing to take steps to protect myself financially and I have done that. Paperwork is filed. I'm in no rush to hurry this along... the slower the better right? Give us more time to see if I continue to want recon or he continues to want to move on. Either one of us could change our minds at any time.
I want to stop the negative interactions. That's 100% up to me. To stop engaging him. If I can to give him what he wants (obviously not releasing funds for him to buy a house.)
I'm working out everyday until it hurts so much I cry.
And, I'm dealing with the old adage becareful what you wish for... :-) I asked to be left alone and I will most likely get it and it will probably drive me a little nuts that he is respecting my wishes for a change.
DO not write out that he is in love with her. Who he is in love with doesn't matter.
That he is a lying cheater is what matters. Write that out. I think you still have him held up as some ideal, something to be desired. He is not.
I think telling myself that not only does he feel he does NOT love me and loves her --- is my way of accepting the situation??? At least that is what I thought. Accepting the current reality?
And, if I like many people who come here are struggling in the Ms and hoping for recon isn't it more like he is nothing to be desired right now?
Or, is the principle he will never change. He will never notice my absence or have regret? I know that he will never come back unless he fears he has lost me even at that?
I believe you gave your W a timeline... a frame in which things had to change or else?
My timeline is one year. When the legal s is over if he hasn't had that wake up call I will know to move on. Until then I am trying my best to drop the rope.
My wife wasn't sleeping with another man, getting listed as his wife in an obituary and telling me she didn't even consider it cheating because she didn't feel married anymore.
When you frame it that he is in love with someone else it is like you are letting him off the hook. "He can't help it, he's in love with someone else, not me."
That's crap. You said this has been going on for 8 weeks? That ain't love. That's lust. That's infatuation. That's limerance.
He's a lying cheater. And you shouldn't even be one open to R until such time he is no longer a lying cheater. And even then he should have to prove it through a longgggggggg period of consistent behavior. Like, after another 3 months he realizes he screwed up, you start the clock and if he consistently is not a lying cheater for 9-12 months then you consider R, but only with conditions that he you give him zero tolerance on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My wife wasn't sleeping with another man, getting listed as his wife in an obituary and telling me she didn't even consider it cheating because she didn't feel married anymore.
When you frame it that he is in love with someone else it is like you are letting him off the hook. "He can't help it, he's in love with someone else, not me."
That's crap. You said this has been going on for 8 weeks? That ain't love. That's lust. That's infatuation. That's limerance.
He's a lying cheater. And you shouldn't even be one open to R until such time he is no longer a lying cheater. And even then he should have to prove it through a longgggggggg period of consistent behavior. Like, after another 3 months he realizes he screwed up, you start the clock and if he consistently is not a lying cheater for 9-12 months then you consider R, but only with conditions that he you give him zero tolerance on.
I get it.
When I first mentioned that someone else listed him as their spouse he acted like WTF... went on to state that only person listed as his spouse was me. When it came to light exactly what I was talking about he insisted that he was listed as her boyfriend. I said do you know how lame that sounds - that you are married/I am your spouse but you have a girlfriend?? I let it go after that. He clearly doesn't care.
My H will take the path of least resistance... even if this relationship fails... which even he predicted it was not a smart idea to sleep with her and any relationship wouldn't last... whatever...
It would be far to hard to come back to me, beg for me and chase me... He knew all along that my deal breaker was cheating. But, I am 100% aware that I left him on empty for a long time. That doesn't excuse his choices but I accept my role. I'm owning it... I doing what I can to change myself and find that woman that he fell hard in love with. I really miss her too.
I'm still in the mode to save my M. If he clearly came back and wanted to sincerely do whatever it took to make amends I would be open to that...
One of the things when you are with someone for 10yr is you know them... you really know them... and I see a pattern with my H. While he seemed to acknowledge my feelings that I was probably right in that he should have never given up on me --- he did. Now, I never know what to believe if ever.
I 90% certain my H will not come back.
I will keep moving forward and try to enjoy a few days without him contacting me.
