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Originally Posted by KitCat
I get it he is being NICE in efforts to NICE me back to being a doormat.

Love it! You are sounding strong today.

Originally Posted by KitCat
He texted me to let him know when he could pick up his stuff... no response... he can drive by and see the trash bags on the porch.

I'd be careful on this--you'd probably be liable and in the wrong if his things were to be stolen, damaged by weather, pests, etc. because you left them in a vulnerable position. I love your not letting him enter and leave as he pleases and use your residence for storage.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
I get it he is being NICE in efforts to NICE me back to being a doormat.

Love it! You are sounding strong today.

Originally Posted by KitCat
He texted me to let him know when he could pick up his stuff... no response... he can drive by and see the trash bags on the porch.

I'd be careful on this--you'd probably be liable and in the wrong if his things were to be stolen, damaged by weather, pests, etc. because you left them in a vulnerable position. I love your not letting him enter and leave as he pleases and use your residence for storage.


I see your point and that is why I stressed to him about scheduling a time that works for us both. He refused. And, I knew he was in town already.

I'm also in a high end neighborhood last house on dead end... my porch is also somewhat obstructed from street. It's a protected area.

I would have packed more but he was being pushy and I had to get to work... go buy a new toothbrush...

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Originally Posted by Steve85
KC! So proud of you! When you first came back here I saw a beaten down, sad, poor self-esteem woman. Now I see a fierce, strong, woman that knows her own worth!! Almost brings a tear of joy to my eye. And I am a man that cries even less often then your H apologizes.

Keep it up. You are right, things will get worse before they get better. But with your new outlook I think you will be fine, and will get through!



Thank you Steve85 but know while I'm trying to make up for lost ground... there is still a big piece of that scared, timid, wanting to make everyone happy little girl.

I'll try not to let her come out too much... but I know that silence from H now will plant some seeds of self doubt.

I will work out tonight and sweat out as much as I can.

Holding Tight

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Originally Posted by KitCat
go buy a new toothbrush...

lmao! That part was ridiculous. smile

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Glad to read the lock change post.


Standing up for yourself must feel good.

Stand on your core values. It serves us well.



HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Hit KitCat! How'd your night go? Nights early on can be hard with moods coming and going. I hope this morning finds you being that strong and determined KitCat again.

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CW -

Thanks for checking in.

Last night was not bad at all. While I'm in higher risk for virus than most because i still work and interact with public at the very least I get to spend my days with face to face interactions that I know that many are missing.

I'm an introvert so being stuck at home would technically NOT be a problem. But, given my emotional state and that of my M its been much more painful to be at home. I literally have not had a tv on outside of 30min in the last 8 weeks. Combine that with world troubles --- things are just plan weird here.

There is a tiny bit of peace today. There is some relief that this space is mine. That I have stopped allowing him to come and go as he pleases. He doesn't get to give the best of himself to OW and show up here to give his anger and disgust. Let her start to get on his nerves in a tiny one bedroom apartment. He lived a good life with me here and clearly he is not into downsizing as much as he professed. Might I suggest next time he pick an AP that lives in a higher income bracket then??? Okay... that was a snarky comment which I would never say outloud but I feel I'm allowed!

Our puppy is 65lb now and between the other 100lb dog I'm very busy.

That doesn't mean I don't get into my own head for sure. He hasn't texted in over 24hr. Certainly not the longest time we have gone without contact - I believe that to be 4 days? But, I won't lie I start playing our last convo over and over in my head picking apart his words.

When I stated that he voiced his feelings that he kept trying and kept trying hoping I would change.

I said my peace - that he should have never stopped trying because I was his wife.

He replied - you are probably right ----- HE JUST VALIDATED ME. This is why I soften. This is why I am hopeful. Because his validation made me feel good. I'm sorting it out. Just because he validated me doesn't mean he agrees with me but that he just understands my feeling of that he should have never given up.

He then also stated - he was just burnt out. He validated me and then gave me his true feelings. His excuse for leaving the M. He is simply justifying that he stopped trying because he was burnt out. I can see that he truly felt I had lost feelings for him and once that happened the drive he hated became the bane of his existence and everything spiraled. Had he not come into contact with this "old friend" and confided everything too her and became super vulnerable there might have been hope we would have weathered this rough spot.

I realize that my H is reverse DBing me... BIG HEAVY SIGH.

But, I will spend more time with the dogs today. Bite the bullet and sign up for MasterClass - I can only watch so many Ted Talks.

I will learn a new technique in a favorite hobby.

Those are my plans today!!!!

Last edited by KitCat; 03/25/20 04:02 PM.
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Originally Posted by KitCat

He was informed last night that locks and codes were changed.

That was met with a bevy of texts that he was coming by in the AM. I repeated again that he is not to be here. He needs to respect my need for space that he could give me a list of essentials and a time for where/when for him to collect.

He kept insisting he was going to be here at 9amish. He already needed to be in town.

I said again he is not respecting me and he needs to not be here. He has been gong 6 days already so he has enough to manage right now.

I got that he needed x, y, z. And, I was preventing him from access to his medical stuff. I reminded him he hasn't needed it for 6 weeks. He insisted he needed his toothbrush... Again, I reminded him that he hasn't missed it in the last 6 weeks and he started to complain about how the toothbrush he has is all matted, blah blah blah.


GOOD! It sounds like you finally got fed up with the BS. He's quickly going to figure out that the bullying is no longer working, so he will switch to being your best buddy so be prepared for that. It's not genuine, it's all tactics to get what he wants. When that doesn't work he will switch back to being a bully, he will keep going back and forth with that for a while. You've got to stand your ground! You can do this!

As for the toothbrush, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!!! He "must" enter the house so he can retrieve a toothbrush? I'd be inclined to take some of the puppy's feces, put it on the porch and stick the toothbrush in it and tell him you left it on the porch, he can pick it up whenever grin

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H states he hasn't slept well for 2 weeks as the oral appliance we sprang out of pocket for at 3K ins't working as well as the Cpap, but keep in mind he has never packed his Cpap in the last 6 weeks.

I'm NOT supposed to validate right now??? I get confused.


No not right now. Don't validate when he's whining, crying or complaining about you. When do you validate? When he is genuinely expressing his feelings. If he says he's down or depressed or such and he seems to really mean it as opposed to blaming you for it, then validate.

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I am kicking his behind out the door.

I am telling him I am worth more. I am done.


This is good, now stand firm! He's going to try and try to break you down and push you over. Don't let him.

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I'm trying to breath and give myself time to respond. Its not always perfect in the heat of the moment.


Good. You might want to turn off his text notifications so you're not tempted to read and reply every time he sends something.

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I said to him that you said you kept trying and kept trying, but YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP ON ME. I am your wife.


Don't say things like that, that's a "I'm still your Plan B" statement. It's desperate. Stick to BUSINESS ONLY. Nothing else. If he asks how your day is, ignore it. Where's my money clip, ignore. WHY WON'T YOU RESPOND, ignore it. Bills? Reply in a businesslike tone. He has narcissistic tendencies and narcissists love to suck the energy out of people. They honestly don't care if it's positive or negative energy as long as they get something. Quit feeding your energy to him. Some doctors advise that you have to turn yourself into the most dull, boring person in the world to stop them. No positive energy, no negative energy.

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I said this was supposed to be amicable but you have treated me like doormat. H apologized (please keep in mind how very little this man ever apologizes - he would do more with actions than words in our marriage.) H said he didn't mean to and this is just wasn't supposed to be like this.


Again, bullying stopped working so he's switching to being your buddy. It is absolutely 100% an act to bring you into compliance, nothing more. Do not believe it for one second.

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I'm bracing that this will get ugly.


You might be surprised. I think you've been through the ugliest part. Once he realizes he can't browbeat you into submission he will more than likely stop it. I mean he might try a few more times but as long as you hold the line he will eventually give it up.

Last edited by job; 03/26/20 01:29 PM. Reason: edited a word

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander


As for the toothbrush, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!!! He "must" enter the house so he can retrieve a toothbrush? I'd be inclined to take some of the puppy's feces, put it on the porch and stick the toothbrush in it and tell him you left it on the porch, he can pick it up whenever grin


My H has NO idea what a wonderful woman he M. Certainly I've had thoughts of using that toothbrush all over the house but I could never bring myself to do something so low. He is freaking out that his stuff is here and unprotected... but seriously you've been gone more than you have been here since BD. I could have f'd it up anytime. So not who I am in the world.


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Don't say things like that, that's a "I'm still your Plan B" statement. It's desperate. Stick to BUSINESS ONLY. Nothing else. If he asks how your day is, ignore it. Where's my money clip, ignore. WHY WON'T YOU RESPOND, ignore it. Bills? Reply in a businesslike tone. He has narcissistic tendencies and narcissists love to suck the energy out of people. They honestly don't care if it's positive or negative energy as long as they get something. Quit feeding your energy to him. Some doctors advise that you have to turn yourself into the most dull, boring person in the world to stop them. No positive energy, no negative energy.


I know. I realize that is ME trying to talk him into the relationship. And, that is pursuing. And I get that even as he said "you are probably right" he was most likely rolling his eyes.

Its hard. Its so hard to not to have that level of intimacy after 10yr. Its not like I want to ask where he is - frankly I have no idea. But checking in about work, family, etc. It really is so very hard.

I have to keep working on that.

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I'm bracing that this will get ugly.

You might be surprised. I think you've been through the ugliest part. Once he realizes he can't browbeat you into submission he will more than likely stop it. I mean he might try a few more times but as long as you hold the line he will eventually give it up.


I'm not sure about that but I do get what you are saying. That he is going to try to NICE me back to being complacent. I need to pack up more of his stuff but it is so painful clearing out drawers.

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Today I started my first pair of knitted socks!

I'm an avid knitter and knit anything but I've never seen the point of socks. High quality yarn cost about $50 for a pair of socks... those are pricey socks!!!

But I'm challenging myself so pricey socks it is!

The day ended beautifully with sunshine and slightly warmer weather so got the dogs out for exercise.

I'm going to work on some self motivational homework tonight/tomorrow.

-------------------------------

I had asked H to respect my boundaries and give me space...

I got 36hr before he texted and since I didn't immediately respond he called.

He said he needed his license. I get that he needs his ID. He definitely needs it to close on a house and he better not be using any of OUR funds to do it. I suspect his dad will give him the money.

It just seriously??? I just reclaimed my space and I DO NOT want to see you.

I ended up texting if I could mail to his parents house or work out a time this weekend. If that doesn't work I'm agreeable leaving it the mailbox as long as he comes after dark and doesn't come up to the house.

The conversation via text went on WAY longer that it needed to.... He sucked up too much of my time tonight.

Bottom line is stuff will be left for him on the porch again. He does not get to see or hear from me while he is here. And, I hope he has enough class not to be bringing OW to my home like she was just there for ride....

-------------------------------

Why is he engaging me so much in text???? I know I know I know... I'm plan B.

Back to the socks!

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