Well, H turned off his music when I turned my light off to go to bed. Today he’s acting normal and friendly as usual. Good, because a little goodwill in the house at this time is appreciated. It’s not about me, and maybe the words I overheard weren’t either. At any rate, he’s not desperate enough to bring anything up with me. Just more of his teen behavior, I suppose, and his trying to stay happy. It does hurt to see him like that.
Hi Cardinal! I’ve been gone for awhile and am slowly catching up with everybody and their current situations. Huge (((((hugs))))) to you. I can see in your last few posts that things have become difficult due to proximity with the live in MLCer ...you know how much I can relate. Things have definitely become more difficult with being very limited in getting out of the house and GAL that way anyway. It’s easy for us to let the focus drift back to the stranger in our house and all their crazy behaviour when it’s in our face all the time. I too am struggling with how happy and content he behaves ...whistling and singing to himself CONSTANTLY. I don’t get it. Is it part of MLC behaviour- their mask of ”everything is great, everything is fine, everything is normal?” I hate that you can’t escape the loud game play and phone calls...I can relate again. I’m working from home right now and the other day he was playing a game so loud that people on the conference call were asking who is being shot at???!!!!! I think I remember you saying that the weather is ok where you are and that you garden....can you spend more time out in your yard? How do you remove yourself from his constant upsetting display of behaviour at least for parts of the day?
I don’t have much to offer advice wise but I’m hear for hugs and understanding ....you still got this even when you don’t feel you do...you do ...more than you know. (((Cardinal)))
Cardinal, I keep saying over and over... detach detach detach. Kind Kind Kind. Peace Peace Peace. Love Love Love. Mostly this is for me. But I am trying to remind myself to be that way regardless. The only thing we can control is our own mind. We can't control anyone else. It is so very hard, I know. For those of us who still live with MLCer, we can get enmeshed with them. I can sometimes feel my H's feelings. I can almost hear his thoughts, but then I remind myself... it is mostly my assumptions and my projections. His eyes, his facial expressions, even his demeanor may seem to say something, but then I know that he assumes something about how I look too or what I say.
So I am trying to sink to that. He will think and do what he will do. If he decides to share what he things, I'll listen, validate and if appropriate kindly share my own perception or what I was really thinking. He can believe me or not.
I will not let my own mind poison me anymore. If the thought hurts, I will do what Byron Katie's the Work says... I will question my own stressful thoughts and see if there is a higher truth. It isn't easy. It [censored] to be the one to have to do it. It would be easier if they would just do what we want, but we can't control them. Nor should we want to. I don't want to be controlled or told what I actually think or actually mean.
I must work on me and only on me. Do I want peace or do I want conflict? Even in my own mind? I want peace. I need to let go of my stressful thoughts. It's the hardest thing in the world. Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
H has remained friendly. Posting here because it’s taking all of my willpower not to go say something to him about how he’s obviously smoking pot right now. It smells. And that’s not something old H ever would have done. I really, really want to go say, Do you see yourself? This is not you. Please find a healthier way of coping. It hurts my heart to see this. I also really, really, want to tell his mom, because I know there’s no way she’d think this is normal. I know none of those things would do any good. But the urge is strong.
(Also, to clarify, I wish I could talk to his mom because I’m worried about him, and we both love him, and it would feel like something just to be able to worry together. I’m not going to contact her, but that’s just a wish I have.)
I’ve wanted to say those things to my H many times...
“Do you hear yourself?” “Do you see yourself?”
I’m glad you are posting here instead of asking him those questions. Because the answer most likely is no, they do not/cannot see things the way we do. It is frustrating...I know.
Thanks, Wooba. I feel like my teenager had gotten in with the “wrong crowd”! Though he had friends pre-BD who smoked occasionally and wasn’t into it himself. I guess he’s just looking for what makes him feel better, and that’s alcohol or pot or these friends. He already has some form of asthma. There’s no time when it would be appropriate for me to tell him I’m worried about him, right? He would either get mad or laugh it off probably. All I can do is pray he will find his way.
The health thing is one thing that I’ve let go awhile ago. Both mental & physical (his). I’ve done my part post BD, I’ve scheduled his check ups and suggested him to see a therapist. But again, ultimately it is out of our control. Nowadays I would only tell him to stay away from covid and don’t bring that back to the house. No longer about him but more about whatever you do, don’t get US sick.
Yes, that’s right. And while I see H escaping/running from his feelings through these behaviors (and I wonder what the heck IC is helping him with—I hope something), he would just see it as the new him. It’s just so unbelievable that this is the same person I married. Some day I’ll get to acceptance. If you would have told me two years ago in 2020 H would be smoking pot and people would be stockpiling toilet paper, I would have laughed. This lockdown period, however long it lasts, is going to be interesting, probably with lots of ups and downs for both H and for me. It’s just been a week and I’ve had to confront so many aspects of alien H, but I’ve also had more interaction with him, engagement from him, the kind I usually only get once a week when he’s home all day.
Thanks for chatting with me tonight, wooba! And no kidding about needing to protect your family from exposure through H. Stay safe.
