Have you read the Detachment thread? If not, you should. It may help you figure out what you need to do in the detachment arena.
Also, it's hard because we still see the person that we loved and married, but deep down, that person has changed into the mirror image (opposite) of who we knew and loved. It continues to hurt because he's still beating his own drum and keeping you on the merry-go-round. You have to figure out a way to get off that ride, i.e., even if it is a little day by day.
Leave him to his crisis. Stop attempting to take the wheel back from God. God will drive the bus if you will just drop that rope and have faith in the process.
Keep the focus on you! Focus on what you can control and fix for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But how can I really focus on what makes me happy when I am so worried about losing my family? A friend of mine says I need to cut the spiritual chord so I can swim before I drown. Maybe that's what detachment is? But how?
Worry is like praying for something you don’t want.
Letting go of doubt, worry, and fear is a process and takes time.
For what it’s worth, detachment, in this situation, is uncoupling your emotions from H’s emotional state and his behaviour. You still feel, you just don’t get uncontrollably dragged around.
Indifference is when your emotions, regarding H and his antics, are greatly attenuated. You feel a numbness, a void, towards him. The pain and anxiety are much reduced. Indifference is a bit strange at first.
I don’t agree, nor advocate, cutting the spiritual cord. That thread of faith doesn’t drowned us, it lifts. And we do learn to swim these turbulent waters.
On the spiritual path of your PIES, I found this helpful in detaching, finding indifference, and letting go, while still being compassionate. There is no need to pray repeatedly. God knows what you desire, knows your deepest desires.
Prayers evolve as one progresses. In my bargaining stage my prayers were self driven. Were for reconciliation. I promised stuff, if only He’d just make her come back.
I no longer pray for reconciliation. God knows my desires, and He doesn’t need me reminding Him. My prayers are for others, to bless and watch over - that kind of thing. Yes I include specifics, but God hardly needs them.
About the only prayer I ask for myself is guidance to continue to become who I am supposed to be. To grow and live in the light.
Cutting the cord is not the same as Give it to God.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I totally get what you are saying how manage all the changes, work on acceptance, be upbeat while we are in so much pain The loss of the old M has to be dealt with to create something new The pain will come and go I have learned to trust the pain as a teacher when change or hurt or grief is present feel it and yes search for your dreams try to get moments of peace
this journey is really about us we may lose the person, we thought we would spend our life with some will reconcile
all we have is today and you can show your H what he may lose in you by being the strong independent confident woman he M How? one moment at a time doing this work and feeling the pain will lead you there Healing your past
he has given you a great opportunity
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Journal How can we really let go and trust this will work out as it should? I know I have to keep focused kn self care, self reflection and personal healing, but underlying that is this desperation for my husband back and for my family to be intact. Why is sleeping fraught with longing and sadness and hunger for a person who no longer feels the same? Living in the same house, pretending to be good roommates, it's brutal. I know others have it worse, but it just hurts sometimes.
I exercise, listen to great podcasts and videos to help with self growth. I pray often. I ask for help and release. Then my heart starts pounding, my skin feels like its covered with ants, and my mind makes me dizzy. When will this stop? How can we stop it _______
Peace today, thank you. I hear you. it's so hard in the midst of the physical and emotional pain to see that this is an opportunity. Dreams are so hard to release when they didn't feel like dreams but more of a real future. So clear, so true and so sweet that letting go hurts like nothing I've ever felt. I know grief comes in stages. I wonder if not knowing whether he will leave me is keeping me in this waiting stage where grief and hope keep cycling.
Trying to breathe. Feeling like I'm choking
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
We have to put our faith in God and yes, the techniques that we try to help people utilize here. Let's face it, none of us has a crystal ball and if we don't put faith in God and yes, even this system, then what do we have left? I have mentioned this before many years ago, that God has a way of working things out, for example when a tornado and/or hurricane come through a town/city, it destroys a lot of beautiful homes, scenery and businesses. However, when the storms are over and done with the people of said towns/cities begin to rebuild and when they do rebuild, their structures are stronger and better and yes, the people all come together to help one another...but I want to point out that we learn from these experiences and we learn how to build stronger and better foundations for our buildings and our foundations of life.
Your mind is working over time because you are worried, anxious and grieving. Do you think you may have a touch of depression going on or just going through the grieving process? It takes time, a lot of time, to work through the grieving process and no two days will be a like. Give yourself the permission to grieve and work through the grief and not just around it. Be patient w/yourself and know that one day, you will differently when you wake up and face the day.
The fear of the unknown is nipping at your heels and that is most likely why you feel like you are choking, i.e., you have no control over the situation w/him, nor can you fix what ails him. He has to do that necessary/hard work. Try to just focus on today and leave tomorrow to reveal itself when it's ready.
Keep the focus on you as much as possible. You can only control how you react to his behavior. Believe, have faith that no matter how things work out, you will be just fine. Dig deeper for patience and again...keep the focus on you. Leave your h in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your mind is working over time because you are worried, anxious and grieving. Do you think you may have a touch of depression going on or just going through the grieving process? It takes time, a lot of time, to work through the grieving process and no two days will be a like. Give yourself the permission to grieve and work through the grief and not just around it. Be patient w/yourself and know that one day, you will differently when you wake up and face the day.
The fear of the unknown is nipping at your heels and that is most likely why you feel like you are choking, i.e., you have no control over the situation w/him, nor can you fix what ails him. He has to do that necessary/hard work. Try to just focus on today and leave tomorrow to reveal itself when it's ready.
Keep the focus on you as much as possible. You can only control how you react to his behavior. Believe, have faith that no matter how things work out, you will be just fine. Dig deeper for patience and again...keep the focus on you. Leave your h in God's hands.
Job, Yes, I do believe I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for a good portion of my life. I know there are many inner demons for myself that I am starting to listen to. But on top of that, I am deeply grieving what I thought my life would be like.
I am trying to focus on me as much as possible and trying NOT to react to anything. I'll share another post as I received great advice that some may find useful. Thank you for continuing to post and cheer me up!
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Journal This morning (super early), I tried to engage my spouse in conversation. I told him I missed his friendship. He says we talk, but I said I know he is struggling with things and I want to be there for him. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. Then I started to apologize for all the things I did in the past to hurt him. He said it's too early for that kind of talk so I rolled over at stopped.
But per usual, my mind was racing, my body felt like it had ants crawling all over and my heart was pounding out of my chest. Out of desperation, I texted one of my best friends and told her of the pain I was in and how I don't know what to do. I apologized that it was so early for this kind of venting and she sent this... _____ My friend's text: "Never be sorry. I am your sounding board and you are mine. You are safe with me. I understand and love you so very much. It seems impossible now...but the moment you go inward and plead with yourself to tell you what is wrong, to share your own feelings with yourself, to confide in you and still love you without judgement- that is the moment YOU become loved. And therefore loveable. Its almost like the person who cant get any dates until they are in a relationship, then suddenly EVERYBODY wants them. Lol. I have a feeling that once you fall in love with YOU- things will fall into place. We lose ourselves in our partners. Its not supposed to be that way. We are told, in a marriage, two become one. It sounds beautiful. In reality...the two are two. Independent of one another. And they create one thing: a relationship. Still...it consists of TWO people. Your future is not rooted in him. It is rooted in you. Not even your children. They have their own path...eventually, they, too will be their own force to reckon with. And that is so fricken awesome if you think about it! The kids will be okay ONLY if YOU are okay. You...are the source. You are. And you have every will and power to swim harder and detach. Let go so you can use both hands to swim to shore. He can swim too. He'll meet you there. I promise." ______
There is a lot more and so much wisdom in her reminder and her words. I was going to share, but it is very long. Let's just say, she sees me. So much better than I have been seeing myself. I am going to do the work. Cut the spiritual tie as she says and swim. This way, when he comes back (trying to believe), I will be whole and it won't be two halves making one. It will be two whole people joining together to make a marriage.
I have a lot of hard questions to ask myself. A lot of things to really think about. We stopped sharing real goals. I allowed him to take the reigns in too many areas. I was subordinate in ways I shouldn't have been and took control in other ways that I shouldn't have. Roles were reversed in some areas and it changed me.
I want ME back.
More than I want to save him, actually. I can't save him. He can't save me. We must save ourselves first so that we can be good humans and strong parents for our kids.
I am so very blessed to have a friend like her. I knew, even just a day after DB, that this would be an opportunity and actually a blessing in disguise. I had fallen in love with myself and lost that live when I have been trying to win him back... before I realized he is in MLC and can't be won back.
If this didn't happen, I wouldn't be as real and honest with my friends as I have been these past months. I wouldn't be reaching out to so many as I have been. I was so absorbed in H and my family. I was pretending that life lived on a more shallow plane was ok. And for some days it really is. The highs and lows are too hard to navigate if you have to ride the highs/lows and do it multiple times a week. But we must be capable of dealing with painful feelings when they arise both in ourselves and in others... otherwise, we get to a place, much like our MLCer, where we don't know who we are anymore because we have forgotten how to listen.
So now I must stop always running away from my feelings and find out what the feelings are hiding from me. What is my mind trying to hide by flooding me with feelings? Lots to ponder and work through... It's a scary tough road. I wish us all strength and courage... and most of all LOVE... for ourselves, from God, from those in our lives.
Blessings
Last edited by job; 04/03/2008:54 PM. Reason: removed person's name
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
