MLC newbie

[DnJ]

Good Morning B6

I think a lot of us are control freaks.

Faith and checking on God’s work - that was a great way of putting it.

Both of these intermingle. I found my willing surrender to God brought peace. I focus on what I can control and do something about. Abilities to control and focus are positives and admirable, we just need to point them in the right direction.

This goes along with so many of us being “fixers”. Another admirable and positive trait. Point that energy and drive inward and “fix” to your heart’s content.

Heart’s content . I wasn’t thinking of that until I typed it. Our inner work is a passion, a love of ourselves.

I love what you wrote about forgiveness on Grace’s thread. Very well said.

Good luck on your upcoming virtual interview. Is it just voice or video as well?

If you showed up in a bathrobe and bunny slippers it would make quite an impression. Lol. Hey, I’m working from home and I thought it was just a conference call. Hahaha.

Speaking of which, I do not work from home and need to get to work.

The roads are less congested, and the office is deserted. In a strange way, the world around here looks so peaceful. Funny to see so plainly, we, society, cause the stresses of modern life. It’s such a weird backdrop for the present health concerns.

Have a great day.

DnJ

[Believe6]

Good morning, DnJ! I guess you are probably overseas. I am in USA. Yes, the streets are much less crowded now. I hope your work is safe wherever you have to go.

I appreciate you continuing to check-in. It was strange today. My spouse works from home too and since we are all "sheltering in place," I was able to hear him laughing with our D and later chatting with our S. He never really distanced himself from them. I'm glad of that, but then my mind wonders if he is doing these things even more so that if he asks for a D, he can file for full custody. Even though our kids are older, he'd want full custody of our D.

He is a great dad. Always has been and I know he would make sure our D is first, but if he keeps going down this MLC rabbit hole, I can't allow that. I will fight for my kids. At first, I thought I would let him be with them and I'd take the secondary role, but I just can't.

They are my kids too and I want to be there every day. I want to see them and share whatever small victories or big challenges they face. I am not as fun or as funny... although I used to be. But I am their mom and I want to have a say in how they deal with life. I believe my D needs her mother's guidance and love. It's not as light, I know. I am working on that. I used to be lighter and freer.

I have lost a lot of that. I think I was going through my own midlife transition in the past few years. Looking back, I can see how some of the criticisms my H and kids were saying about how my tone wasn't very welcoming or the arguments I'd raise just pushed them away. I didn't have an affair and I didn't spend lots of money, but I do think I'd gone down some kind of rabbit hole myself.

I let myself go both physically and emotionally. Like I just couldn't face myself or my life. Then I got laid off and it got worse. I would watch mindless shows for hours. I wouldn't really go to the gym. I'd eat junk like a teenager and really not pay too much attention to anyone. I tried, but I found myself withdrawing and feeling sorry for myself that I had to find another job "again."

Or it could just be common anxiety and depression which I've experienced throughout my life. I want to stop that cycle now.

I realized too that I have wanted someone to take care of me. To tell me that they would always be there for me. I thought my H was it. He always had been and then all of a sudden he's confused, he's unhappy. He loves me, but not in love with me. He felt a connection which he can't explain with our friend and had the EA/PA.

Even though he's not in contact with her, I think he's in limerence and coming out of the fog. So he's dealing with that loss. And I am dealing with the death of my old M. Trying to come to grips that it will never be what we promised to each other and what I believe we had.

So I am doing what Heartsblessing said... what you all are saying. I am looking within and trying to see who I want to be now. What I'd do now that I have to focus on me.

I still feel awkward around him. I can't look at him in the eye this morning. After seeing his anger/disgust/disdain yesterday... I just don't want to see that and hurt myself. When I went to the kitchen t his morning to get coffee, I said good morning, but didn't look at him.

Is it supposed to be so awkward? Is it supposed to be so hard to be kind, pleasant, and accepting? I want to treat him like any other roommate. I want to be able to look at him and just be courteous, pleasant and caring. Not like someone I am afraid of... someone who may hurt me with his eyes or uncaring words.

I know, detach... detach... detach. It's hard to pretend I'm ok with all this. I'm not. I don't want to feel like I'm the bane of his existence.

But there it is. I'm not. I'm actually making him the bane of mine by putting that thought in my head. I need to let him be who he is. If he's unhappy with life or even with me, that's his right. I have to look at him with compassion. I have to be with him without judgment, fear or expectation.

Well hmmm... I am wondering now how I can pull that off. If I can do that with him, I can learn to do that with others and wouldn't that be freeing?

Something to think about... Happy Tuesday!

[DnJ]

Hello B6

I live in Canada. I’m your neighbour to the north.

I love your post. Seriously. We need to mull things over. Question things. Question ourselves, our lives, our values, our core. You are correct, we find ourselves.

A caution, if I may, do not rush this process. Do no make decisions quickly. Emotions are stirred within you, and it is not a good idea to make decisions based on emotions.

Definitely seek your emotions, and let them wash over you. Listen to them. Feel them.

Then bring in your thoughts on the situation. Not how you feel about something, how you think about it.

With these feelings and thoughts one explores their beliefs. That is where the inner work really happens. Beliefs are slow to change, which make them excellent headings for our lives.

At this time you have a golden opportunity, not available to many people. You have more access to your inner self, to those deep values. Yeah, it hurts; and it’s worth it. Look deep, and fearlessly. Change things you don’t like or value and strengthen that which you do. This takes time.

Eventually thoughts, emotions, and beliefs all move together in the same direction. It is great once they all line up.

I remember times just like what you posted about. That is why I love your post. You are on a very good path, IMHO.

Have faith, you are doing fine.

DnJ

[OwnIt]

Believe:

I just read through your thread. Sorry of course that you are here and going through this. I lived at home with mine for about 5 years through his early MLC. He would still be here if I hadn't kicked him out at my D's request. Of that I am certain. I think living at home stunted mine (but didn't stop him from having a secret affair for 3 years). My guess is that yours has resumed the affair or begun a new one based on the behaviors you are describing. Pretty typical for these folks and would explain the distancing and disabling the tracker, etc.

You are on the MLC board, so I take it you believe he is having an MLC. So I would encourage you to follow the standard advice in this scenario. No relationship talks period unless he initiates them. Definitely no initiating any kind of affection. You are probably right that he thinks he will leave when you get a job. He has likely talked to an attorney and gotten an idea of his support obligations in both scenarios. But thinking and doing are two different things. Mine actually filed, ignored my attempts to work it out between us, then freaked out when he saw I put on my lawyer hat and was marching to the end. Eventually he begged me multiple times to dismiss. Dismissing was the only quick thing he's done in this process.

Try not to ride his wave and try not to have your mood altered by his behavior. I know that's hard. But getting up your hopes to have them dashed again and again is really bad for you. He's going to do what he's going to do. Take it a day at a time. Do you want to stick around today? Then do. Just do it in a way that doesn't damage you. Doesn't have to be the same answer every day and you are allowed to flip flop as much as you want to.

If it is MLC, you have a long, long road ahead. Yours is doing some talking. That's a good sign. Maybe it is an MLT and maybe he will move through a lot faster. There really is no way to know. Just focus on you and your kids. The better you do, the better they will do. Remember that kids need fun. Hard for kids to see their parents suddenly become people with flaws and needs. A big adjustment for everyone. You will get through it though. You will see lots of evidence of people who find themselves in this process. DnJ hasn't had a reconciliation (yet) but he has certainly become an amazing person and helped his kids lead happy and productive lives in the face of this. It's all we can ask for or control right now.

[Believe6]

Own, thank you for your concern and reminding me it's a long road. I don't think he's seeing anyone else because of this Covid thing and the tracker has only been off 1 day. He's only gone to the pool store and was back within 20 min and it takes that long to get there so unless he's doing it while driving, I don't see that happening... at least not right now. But thank you for reminding me to focus on me and my growth which I am doing. We must all take care during these times and find a way to be healthy and safe... mentally and physically. Blessings

[Believe6]

DnJ, I read Own's first and just scrolled up to read yours. Canada... yay! It's beautiful up there.

Thank you for your inspiration and your encouragement to go within. I am better tonight. Had a nice dinner and finished monopoly with family. I was able to have a good conversation with H. We are trying to be friendlier, especially with kids in the house and sheltering in place.

My deep core and values? I've always had one mission- be love, give hope, have faith. How I live that out in my life is another thing. I have always tried to figure out how that plays within the roles I have, the work I do, the relationships I forge... including that with myself.

But also how does that look from a character perspective. For example, what does it really mean to be love. How does one give, receive, foster, and expand this love? How does that work in terms of the job you take, the things you do at work, the way you handle situations, etc. It is easy to say you love someone, but what about tough love. What about having to say no or even saying yes?

I can go deep with this stuff and often have. Maybe I should have been a philosopher. I also consider myself a spiritual seeker. I look for ways that can deepen and grow so that I won't be coming back here for another lifetime. I know this is the biggest forgiveness lesson I have to learn. He's just to last piece. I've had to learn to forgive so many in my life and have had to ask them to forgive me too.

We don't live up to others' ideals or expectations all the time. Often because they don't share what they expect or if they do, it's not in our wheel house to live up to it... So yeah, I have a lot to think about and am working on who this "me" is that is emerging. She's a combination of the old me, but with more wisdom, more courage, more strength, and even a healthy does of fear... not the kind that debilitates, but the kind that keeps you from taking unnecessary risks.

Thanks for reminding me to keep looking within. To be fearless. To face myself and this life that I find myself in. I know it will be worth it. Regardless of the ultimate outcome of my relationship.

I still have hope for the outcome though... the one where I am better, he is better... and we get that forever we promised... only this forever is actually real.

[Believe6]

Journal
Had an interview today. I think it would be the final one. It went well. I can see myself working with these women and for this org. I am excited, but trying not to get too far ahead of myself. My H and I are trying to be friends. He is telling me about some personal goals he is working on. I am sharing what happened with the interview. We talked last night and that is one thing we had agreed long ago we would do.

I will detach from the negative things he says or does. I won't however change who I am in order to just db. I am learning to stop worrying that he went to Costco (one of the excuses he used before to meet his AP). I am just doing what I do.

Right now, I came here to distract myself and to focus on me. Next time, I will choose another method to distract myself. I still feel like my heart is squeezing most of the time. Like I can't catch a full breath. But what can I do? I can't force him to stay. I can't force him to promise me he loves me and only me. I know he loves me as a person, but the love I really want he can't give me.

I am coming to believe he couldn't give it to anyone. He doesn't have it for himself so how can he give it to anyone. He's so very lost. I can only do what DnJ reminded me.... glow so bright in who I am and who I intend to be that I will be the lighthouse. Not just for him, but for my kids, my extended family... and my friends.

We all need to find a way to be the light for others.

I hope that since my H will be finally finishing college, he will start to feel a bit more in control of his future. That is one of his biggest regrets. He has a great job (although one he hates) that pays well and he's been doing for almost 20 years. That's part of the problem. He is embarrassed that he is going to be doing the same job without being promoted or anything for the past 20 years. He was offered multiple promotions, but for various reasons and because it would mean he couldn't be available for our kids, he turned them down.

I think he feels like a failure. And although we both talked about how we feel like our lives didn't turn out how we planned when we were young, we both said we were grateful for the life we built. Even with all my layoffs and even with him staying at the same job. Somehow though, after his dad passed, it all seemed like his life wasn't what he wanted.

He told me a while back that his dad seemed happy being alone and free. That the OW was just a girlfriend for the past 18 years and his dad could be with her or not and seemed happy. He can't know that for sure and he wishes he could ask, but since he's gone, he can't. My theory is he is trying to understand his dad by following in his footsteps.

The difference may be, that H's dad didn't finish college. H always wanted to. I am hoping that my figuring out these things he wants and giving him the space to have what he wants, he will figure out that he doesn't have to get rid of me or the family we have.

I am trying to remember what to be grateful for. I am grateful right now we are all healthy. I am grateful for the wonderful conversation during my interview. I am grateful that my kids are safe and we love each other. I am grateful for the faith I am gaining and learning to lean on. I am grateful for the family I have. I am grateful for my friends who are so different and varied and interesting. I am grateful for this board where I can come and share and get ideas. I am grateful for our healthcare workers and all other front-liners who are out there taking care of our sick society. I am grateful for love in all its forms.

I am also digging deep as DnJ said. I am leaning into these terrible, scary, liberating feelings. I realize as I look hard at the person I had become in this marriage, I can see where I was controlling. Where I kept using "push" behaviors with him. Especially the past couple of years. I also realize that when I started pre-menopause a few years back, it started to change me. I took herbs to help but didn't deal with the other emotions that were getting out of control. I should have addressed them. I should have gotten help. Now I have no choice, but to look at all of me and stop just existing in my life, but living it. Looking at the behaviors that I don't like and show that I am a weak, needy, desperate woman... rather become the strong, compassionate, powerful soul I have always been and have just lost somewhere.

So now I start to work on each and everything that I need to change. Not for him. But for me. Because I am worth it and the people in my life are worth it. He is just one person, although for the longest time the most important one, in my life... I am ready to become #1 to myself and the rest will line up after that (or maybe after God).

Blessings all!

[DnJ]

Hello B6

I’m happy to hear you so positive about the interview. Fingers crossed over here. Wishing you good luck!

Sorry for straying here:

DnJ hasn't had a reconciliation (yet)...

Thanks Own. Very kind words. (yet) - amazing how much such a little word can say.

B6, your assessment of H’s probable emotional state regarding his father’s death and his 20 year career does seem a likely candidate for his current path. Everyone looks back upon their life’s work and is either proud of their accomplishments or regret the time they feel they’ve wasted.

Your H needs time and space to reconcile his feelings and his life. Time to see that he put family first which necessitated some career limiting choices. Unfortunately, it does sound likely that he has some latent issue with his Dad, and he isn’t going to get to hash it out with the man. H is going to have to work through whatever it is on his own. That is going to take time.

I like your passion of digging in to that inner work. Take it slow and do it well. Get the complete view, the inventory of yourself, before making a bunch of changes. Chances are, and we all do it, you are seeing more of the negatives than the positives right now. And by the way, we all change as we get older. A woman of fifty isn’t going to be the same as she was when she was 30; and she shouldn’t be.

We all look back at our life’s accomplishments and regrets, mull them over, and rejoice or suffer into our golden years. Remember, we LBS are fortunate in this incredible opportunity. We have the gift of time. We get a preview of our life’s choices and can use our time wisely.

So now I start to work on each and everything that I need want to change.

Want to change, instead of need to change.

Need implies outside influence.

Want is from you. Want is something you “want”, you desire. It has a much greater probability of success. Actually, if you want it, you will make it happen.

Your mind is always listening. The words you use, accumulate within and have a significant affect upon your mental and emotional state.

For example can, can’t, will, won’t. A lot of times we say - I can’t do it. When we really mean - I won’t do it. Can’t means impossible and your mind will make it so. Won’t - it’s accurate and leaves you room to change your mind. There are very few things that “can’t” applies to. DnJ can’t get pregnant, is one of those valid ones.

Can and will are strong positives. Do and try are another pair I like to speak about. I will do this. Vs. I will try. Try predisposed us to fail. We, at the very utterance of “try” have already made failure a valid and real option or outcome. Of course we do fail even with the best intentions and using cans and dos, and that’s fine. I just find that “trying” leads to more unsuccessful outcomes than doing. Mental assertiveness, do it.

And yeah, we do tend to put ourselves lower on our list than we should. Most parents put their children first, then their spouse, family, etc. we show up somewhere in the list but it is hard to find us. No wonder when something like MLC, divorce, or just growing older and kids leaving we suddenly find ourselves sitting across from someone we don’t know.

In my opinion, God is first, then us, spouse, kids, parents, siblings, family/friends, and so on... gets more and more blurry the further we go down the list. This of course doesn’t mean you always get your way; it is more emotional importance. And yeah there will be times we put ourselves last for the good of our kids, but just think how many times we did that during our marriages - continually put others first. Oh well, lesson learnt I suppose. Using that gift of time.

Have a great day.

And go outside a little. Get some sun. You are allowed in your yard.

Will talk soon.

DnJ

[Believe6]

DnJ, I have to say this, then I will reply to the rest...
You wrote, "I will do this. Vs. I will try."

Yoda says, Do. There is no Try.

[Believe6]

DnJ, Thank you for your thoughtful and philosophical approach to things. One of my brothers is also a deep thinker like you (and me) tend to be and it helps. I have been doing the "inner work" for most of my life. I tend to think, probably way too much. Grew up in a house of people who were spiritual/psychological thinkers and feelers. It may be why I am actually excited to be "digging" in here. I did at lot right after BD. I found out a lot about myself. The biggest gift was I fell in love with myself for the first time in my short 50 years on the planet.

I actually looked into my eyes while driving. I was glancing in the rear view and saw my eyes and for the first time, I saw my own spirit. And I said out loud, "There you are." And then, "Oh, I love you X. I really love you." And I fell in LOVE with myself. I actually knew that no matter what, underneath the negative concepts, thoughts, feelings... the REAL me was perfect, complete, and lovable. Totally, undeniably LOVEABLE.

Of course, then life gets in the way and my negative inner talk wants proof that I am. I look at others to tell me that I am worthy. I am enough. I am loveable. But when I take the time to go to the mirror, like Louis Hay says, and look directly in my own eyes, I can't help but see ME again. And I say, "God, I really love you. You are perfect, just as you are." And I completely feel it. I get chills and goosebumps.

Just like when I first fell in love with H. And often, I still get those same chills and goosebumps when I look at him. I try not to let that distract me from learning to detach. I can still love him and know that right now, that can't and won't be enough.

No, I need to do what you say and put God, me, him, kids, etc... For now, it has to be me. The kids are getting old enough to start to find their own way and their own path. I sometimes throughout the day remind myself to check on them and to really listen to what they need. If it seems like they are fine, then I let them be.

Once again, we are all in our own corners until it's time to watch our favorite family reality show. Then we'll gather, do that and bond. We all need normalcy in this whole thing.

I also took time to practice the ukelele as I shared on your thread. I am enjoying being here and offering a little encouragement and peace. I am reading Hearts Blessings' website articles. I wish I could find more of her archives stuff. She is wise and connected to God in a powerful way. I am not trying to ensure my story ends like hers (or maybe I am have to think on that), but it help to read and educate myself.

For some reason, i am feeling peaceful and happy right now. Trying not to analyze it too much. Has nothing to do with H. It has to do with me. I think my EFT tapping earlier and doing some GAL stuff is really helping.

I can see me again. I can feel ME again. I like it. Have a blessed night. Thanks again, DnJ. It's great to have someone who is deep force me to go deeper into me... and at a pace that makes sense. Blessings