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Believe6 #2890011 03/21/20 03:54 PM
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Good Morning B

Originally Posted by Believe6
...are there any success stories for marriages coming through MLC? I believe long ago Hearts Blessing had hers. But anyone recently?

There are more successes than listed here. Building a new marriage takes effort and time. It stands to reason there are some posters reconciling and don’t have time, or the need or desire, to post.

As for success stories. There are many of those. True a divorce happened, and yet an incredible success was bore from destruction. All left behind spouses are writing their own success story.

I am single. XW is off running with unicorns and fairies, stubbornly living her fantasy life. My four children love me, have joy in their hearts, and have mostly forgiven their mother. I am happy, have joy, have love, have forgiven XW, have a peaceful and gentle life. I’ve been blessed. I am living within a success I could not see two years ago. I walk towards my unknown future with wonder and anticipation. Just imagine where I’ll be two years from now.

Have faith. The darkest times in our lives yield the best successes and growth.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Believe6 #2890019 03/21/20 05:20 PM
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Hi

Welcome to the land of MLC

You already seem fairly grounded, especially being so new

Some people do get back together after affairs and D

This board is only a fraction of people in MLC-
I personally have a very good friend whose XH is still trying to get her back
they are good friends, but she is done

but it is usually a long and bumpy road

Best to continue to do as you r
detaching
letting go

creating new hobbies and ways to confort yourself
prayer, meditation, yoga ect

I just bought a coloring book, I have learned to play music and am practicing more meditation than ever during these stressful times

Keep coming here to vent and get ideas

all the best..


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Believe6 #2890051 03/21/20 10:06 PM
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Journal: I saw Gordie do alot of Journal enteries... so here goes. It's been interesting sheltering in place. We took a walk as a family with our dog and saw lots of others doing the same. The OW lives less than a mile from us, but luckily we never see her. I don't know what my H would do or feel if he/we saw her out and about. He hasn't seen her in over 4 months. I used to see her driving her kids to school. It would trigger lots of feelings in me. Luckily, haven't seen her in a while and learning to have indifference.

I am working on detaching. For the first time in 2.5 weeks, he actually initiated sex. We haven't had it and we both are still very attracted to each other. He may not "want" me... but somehow he still finds me sexually attractive. He hasn't touched me unless to console me for the loss of a friend. About 3 weeks ago, I lost a good friend from high school and 2 weeks before that we lost our Godfather (from our wedding). But I knew my Godfather since I was a very little girl. Both losses have been hard.

He's been a good friend. Hold me and consoling me during the funerals, but other than those days/times not additional touching. His 3 main Love Languages is Physical Touch, Quality Time and Acts of service (although he says this is wrong and it should be Words of Affirmation). Mine are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Quality Time.

I haven't been able to fill his love tank because he doesn't want to touch him. He hasn't given me ANY words of affirmation in more weeks than I can count. Probably 6 maybe...

The strange thing is I think he is already trying to "reconnect." The reason anything even happened last night was that we had spent a nice evening with the kids. We had dinner and played monopoly with the kids. We also watched "Messiah" on Netflix since that's one of the things he complained about before dday. That I would watch shows he wanted to watch without him. We don't talk during those shows. We sit across the room from each other, but we do at least watch together like roommates.

But last night I was heading to bed and I said, thank you for the nice evening with the kids and watching the show. I am glad we have had peaceful times. He stood up out of the blue and said come here. He held me for a long time. He was shaking and I could tell his eyes were sweating (that's what one of my guy friends call it when men cry because they typically never do... and my husband rarely does, but has done more in the past 4 months than in the 24 years we've been together).

Anyway, during him holding me he apologized for how much we are going through. We both said we were sorry for the hurt we are experiencing. I said I am giving him the time and space he needs as he has asked. I am trying to be patient as he asked. He said he didn't believe it, but he said it in a teasing tone. I told him, wait and see. I am doing what he asked and he said he was thankful.

I told him goodnight and headed to our room. Soon he followed, which is rare. I was already in bed when he came out after he took a shower (we both shower at night). That's when he turned to me. He never does. We sleep in our far corners and for the first time in a month, he kissed me like he did when we were first dating. He asked me if this was ok. I told him and I do mean it, that I will never regret being with him. Never. And I mean it.

I know some may say this is not Dbing. So be it. I need it too for my own peace of mind and heart. I do not think and I knew when it happened that this means we are anywhere near R. I know we are not. It just helped me to get some release so it was selfish on my part. He has been trying not to touch me at all and the other times before were me fully initiating, as he used to say I didn't initiate that much and that our sex had become predictable.

In fact, he knew when I wanted it and he could time it-- which was a turnoff. So I was trying to be more spontaneous. But when we had the big blow out on Valentine's he'd been trying to avoid any kind of touch, especially sex. So this was a big move for him... especially after avoiding touching me for so long.

Today though, I am proud because I have't tried to hold his hand or touch him. Even though on our long walk we would usually do that in the past (before 2/14/20 anyway). I have made sure to stay in the MBR and he is in his office since then. So I am giving him the space he needs.

I will say this past week, I have noticed him really looking me in the eyes. Smiling at me. Trying to connect with me. I have given him short answers, but been pleasant, positive and nice. Just as I would any acquaintance or casual friend. I don't know if this means he is starting or trying to reconnect.

My mantra now is patience patience patience. Kindness kindess kindness. Detach detach detach. I am praying and leaving it up to God.

We have a group party planned via Zoom this evening with our extended family and friends. This has deprived all of us of social interaction. We still do things with our family friends because many don't know and it would be wierd if we don't go together. That has actually allowed us a relief as we can talk to others and be ourselves. I don't worry about him in those situations and he, I think is surprised to see how well I am doing there too.

Sometimes I wonder if he is in MLC, but as Hearts Blessing says, each MLCer goes through their own journey. We can't compare. And the way my spouse has been is very very different than his normal behavior. Especially with the moodiness, complete withdrawal and him saying sometimes he wishes he could just be a hermit. He is still trying with the kids and now that he is reaching out to me, even just to look me in the eye?

I am not sure where this is all headed. I am just living one day and sometimes one minute at a time. Thank you for reading!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
DnJ #2890052 03/21/20 10:10 PM
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DnJ, thank you. You are right. I guess I am still wanting the promise we made before God and family. I think all who post here do, but I know not all make it. I am so grateful for the support and the willingness for others to chime in. It can be lonely as most of my friends don't know what it is like to be betrayed much less deal with someone in MLC.
I hope I didn't insult by stating I wanted success stories. I just wanted to know if marriages can make it through. Maybe the better question is can I make it through? Thank you for posting!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
peacetoday #2890053 03/21/20 10:13 PM
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Thank you so much, PeaceToday! Great recommendations!

I was just painting my nails. We took a family walk (see my journal post above). I also watched Self Made (1st episode) on Netflix. Great flick so far. Will watch more. I have a list of things I want to do when I get a new job (been unemployed for a year). In the interim, i am researching things I want to learn, places I want to see and hobbies I want to indulge. I feel a bit selfish, but I am also trying to look into things I think my kids will want to do. They may be teenagers, but they still need their parents... I think I've been a good mom, but I also think I could be better so looking at what that would look like with teenagers.

I hope you are taking care of yourselves during this "shelter in place" times. It has been interesting for sure!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Believe6 #2890087 03/22/20 01:27 PM
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Believe,

It sounds like your situation has settled down quite a bit. Your h may be thinking about the world crisis and realizing that home is where he should be, i.e., not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. It could also be a small wake up call that so many people have contracted the virus and so many have passed on. Once the health crisis is over, it will be interesting to see if he continues on the current path of reconnecting or if he will go back into his own little world.

Just about every new poster asks about success stories, but as others have stated, even if the marriages/relationships are not reconciled, each and every poster is a success story. Why? Because they have rediscovered themselves, have been wiser, more independent and stronger in their values. They have learned patience and compassion for the fellow man. DBing is not only to try to save marriages....but to save us, to help us move forward and learn to live again, to enjoy each day as it comes and yes....eventually smile again and look to the future w/hope and anticipation of what may be out there waiting for us.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Believe6 #2890090 03/22/20 02:01 PM
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Good Morning B

Originally Posted by Belueve6
I hope I didn't insult by stating I wanted success stories. I just wanted to know if marriages can make it through. Maybe the better question is can I make it through? Thank you for posting!

No insults taken on this side. smile

It’s perfectly natural to want to see and follow a success story. And yes we all come here wanting to save our marriages. In the unfortunate realm of MLC it takes a lot of time.

That being said, the LBS become a success story first. The M/R comes after, and is a bonus. You are the most important person in all this, and you will definitely make it through.

Originally Posted by Believe6
I know some may say this is not Dbing. So be it. I need it too for my own peace of mind and heart.

There is nothing wrong with being intimate. I am glad to see you not reading too much in to his initiating.

Sex is fun and bonding. Just keep things no pressure, and no expectations.

Most of us have a spouse deep within an affair. Sex is off the menu for many LBS due to our spouse’s affections are ensnared within an other; and if they are active elsewhere the chances of STD are greater. This doesn’t sound like your situation.


One of the rules of DBing is - Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

It’s ok to try something. Some things work, and some things don’t. For those that don’t, you can try again later. Much later usually. It’s a slow process. MLCers are on their own timeline.

Originally Posted by Believe6
It can be lonely as most of my friends don't know what it is like to be betrayed much less deal with someone in MLC.

Isn’t that the truth!

I had no idea, before BD, that this world existed. To my naive self a midlife crisis was when the guy buys a red Ferrari. I see people all around that have that Hollywood idea; not even a glimpse of the world that right in front of them.

It is a lonely journey (in the real world). Most people are happily ignorant and blissful unaware. And they want to keep it that way.

Here on our virtual land, we all have experienced betrayal and seen the unbelievable affects of MLC.

Your close friends and family probably will learn about MLC, to a certain point. They (maybe) haven’t walked in your shoes after all.

Our mostly solo journey grants many blessings. Empathy and compassion are among them. They extend well beyond our spouse.

If you can be kind to your spouse, even with all they’ve done, the guy that cut you off in traffic - yeah, whatever it doesn’t even matter. We so - don’t sweat the small stuff. smile

Have a great Sunday.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
job #2890107 03/22/20 05:36 PM
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Job, thank you so much for checking in. I am not sure if it's being housebound. Although we are going on a family hike today. Maybe it is and maybe once this is over he'll go back to wherever he's been. I have been still giving him room. We are once again like roommates, but at least I am learning to focus on me and who I want to be after all this... or even during. I've read so many of your posts and your wisdom, caring, and support are immeasurable to all of us.

I keep releasing and letting go. I do journal any little thing that seems like a positive. He has been so distant physically even when he sleeps. But last night, I woke up with a heavy weight on my chest. I think I still panic and have anxiety when my subconscious takes over. Anyway, I started to ask God to show me if what I am doing is helping at all. And before I even finished my prayer, my H rolled over and put his arm over me like he used to. I know he was deeply asleep because he was snoring softly.

I couldn't believe it. Even if it doesn't mean anything now, I know that something is working in this marriage and at least, I will be ok in all of this.

My H used to say one of the things that he was most attracted to when he met me was how strong I am. I think there is a difference between being strong and just being an a$$. I think I got to be too self righteous and too much of a know it all. I think that's what happens when you are an executive and report to Chiefs or Presidents, even of mid-sized companies. I became a woman who had to know and push and be controlling/driven.

I get that I had to do that to get the pay we wanted and keep the jobs I had. But my line of work has changed so much so I gave up who I really am to keep jobs that ulitmately keep laying me off. I don't want to keep doing that. I want to be the real me. The one who is strong without being controlling or pushy or judgmental. Strength to me means accepting others as they are. Facing tough things with grace, compassion, wisdom and courage.

I want her back. I am fighting to get her back because she is the real me and I love her.


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Believe6 #2890108 03/22/20 05:45 PM
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DnJ, thank you for not taking offense. Before I got married to H, I was married to an alcoholic. We ended up getting divorced and an annulment. That "betrayal" felt similar to this, but because it was an addiction that my ex wouldn't fight, it felt like I had no choice.

This hurts much worse than this. Mostly because I didn't see this coming at all and I wasn't told about any of the issues before being blindsided. But I know we all went through this.

And now it's about finding me. Being me and free, powerful and strong as i can be. I had allowed myself to dwell in anxiety, depression and loss. I think I was going through my own softer version of MLC. My family of origin, we suffer from anxiety, depression, guilt and worry. It is something I am trying to break in my kids. My D15 has it sometimes, but she is seeing her on IC and she is doing much better than I ever was at her age.

I am looking at this terrible situation as a chance for me to break free of these addicting feelings. I often wonder if I became attached to those negative feelings because it made me feel safe somehow. I hid them from my H and I think he thought that I was hiding something more. He thought that I was lying to him and not telling him things and I thought the same of him.

Sad state of affair, but here we are. Funny. I write this but I am not sad. I am feeling peaceful knowing that I am facing so much. Or maybe this new level of pain, worry and anxiety is actually comfortable for me. I hope I'm actually healing and not getting deeper into these negative feelings. I use EFT tapping, meditation, prayer and mantras to keep me grounded and less volatile in my feelings. I just want this to be like floating down a river and not the "tower of terror" that another poster said this could be.

Have a happy Sunday and be safe in the world of the pandemic. Blessings


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Believe6 #2890119 03/22/20 11:02 PM
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How do you cope when you think it's all going ok... You go out as a family on a hike and you are dealing with the pain of knowing that your MLCer doesn't feel the same way about you or your life as you do. You hold back the pain and pay attention to your kids. Trying to laugh at the family banter and seem like you are totally ok with H not loving you... I mentally congratulate myself on making it through that with a smile on my face and a generally peaceful outlook.

Then you come home and bond with D15 by watching BroadwayHD. I let her decide because we both love shows, but she even more so. She chooses the Phantom of the Opera because she's never seen it and her dad and I have talked about it for years. I didn't realize how much seeing it would destroy me. How I would begin to sob and feel such pain. She understood. She held my hand and didn't ask for anything. Just leaning against me. We didn't turn it off. Just watched through to intermission. We will finish it. Maybe tomorrow.

But I had to get out so I made an excuse to go get soda and a snack my daughter wanted. I just needed to be away from the house, from him who was in his office. He had come out right before I went to the store and asked how the show was. I just said it was sad and that I was going to get stuff at the store. He offered, but I told him that's ok. I want to go.

But when I was driving back, all the pain, betrayal, and anguish hit me again. I sobbed all the way home. I wish us LBS of MLCers would get to grieve and regroup like others. But for us, we aren't able to have the pain. If our MLCers see it, they think we are trying to control them or make them feel bad. Their brain is like that teenager that doesn't want to be told what to do or even to own up to when they've hurt someone.

So here I am holed up in the MBR. Trying to cope with this incredible pain and longing and fear. I thought I had it under control. I thought I was ok today. These cycles are brutal and they suck.

When he came in and asked me how I was, he could tell I was upset, I told him "i'm ok." I didn't look at him or say anything else. I just grabbed my soda and came to the MBR and locked the door. I know I am supposed to show that I am ok that I am upbeat and dealing and "moving on." But sometimes, I am just not able to do that. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
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