Speaking to a friend who is in the national guard, there is a chance that they have everyone stay home at not allowed to leave as a result of the Corona virus. He said it is the next step they would take and that it is likely. I'm am not working for the next few weeks, my child's daycare has been closed, and businesses are starting to remain closed.
My W knows this and said, "well I'm not going to stop seeing my daughter." Do I allow her to move in to co-parent if that happens? She can live in the spare room. Honestly, I would need the help with a 3 year old. And if it's for multiple weeks I definitely could use the help.
None of this is at that point so I won't even bring it up unless it gets to that. But it got me thinking. I do believe she has pulled away from the OM. I know her friends have given her crap for continuing. Her friends are her world.
I am in a similar situation. Wonder, Will she still be living with OM...?
Sounds like you are saying that D will only be living with you? Why? That's not the way I have understood it. Anyway you need to be prepared for take care of your child 100%, for the rest of your life (at least every other week).
Without understanding the situation fully, in general I would say, if she has moved out she aint moving back in to your house unless we are talking like weeks/months into reconciliation.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Without understanding the situation fully, in general I would say, if she has moved out she aint moving back in to your house unless we are talking like weeks/months into reconciliation.[/quote]
Normally, someone as stubborn as my W, how long does it take for them to move through their concussion and reconcile? I don't know if she would, but if she did, how long do W's stay away for? Months? I'm trying to figure out how long this process is.
Btw, she stopped by to talk logistics regarding Corona and she said she would want to stay at the house if we get locked down. I know it isn't smart but I'm going to need the help. If you are adamant that I shouldn't I guess I won't.
I don't know if she would, but if she did, how long do W's stay away for? Months? I'm trying to figure out how long this process is.
If you get lucky, I'd settle in for at least 4-6mo of ups and downs. What helped me continue was realizing the best first steps for "staying" or "going" were similar--detachment and GAL. Key factors in how long to stand, IMHO, are the duration of the relationship and the presence (or lack thereof) of young children.
+ Kristin arrived in Oct and her partner returns in Jan (3mo), before leaving again in Mar (5mo).
+ May arrived in Sep and I believe her partner gave up the AP in Feb (5mo). He's back to monogamy, and the situation seems promising, but he's not quite ready to reconcile.
+ CWarrior arrived in May and my partner was back to monogamy, intimacy, and fun trips by Nov (5mo), but I pulled the plug when she kept screaming and I got exhausted making backup plans based on her mood.
It's a good question. I'm surprised when people start, then give up 2mo later no new skills learned.
(Those may do better to just go no-contact and move on.)
QUOTE If you get lucky, I'd settle in for at least 4-6mo of ups and downs. What helped me continue was realizing the best first steps for "staying" or "going" were similar--detachment and GAL. Key factors in how long to stand, IMHO, are the duration of the relationship and the presence (or lack thereof) of young children.
----- -10 years together, 4.5 years married, one 3 year old daughter. ------
QUOTE It's a good question. I'm surprised when people start, then give up 2mo later no new skills learned.
-------I'm thinking I should file but then I read that statement and think I haven't given this a try long enough. I might give her 1 more month but then file, wait 30-60 days and then turn it into the courts. --------
I'm thinking I should file but then I read that statement and think I haven't given this a try long enough. I might give her 1 more month but then file, wait 30-60 days and then turn it into the courts.
Filing is the last thing you should do - because you will not follow through with it.. I've seem so many new people come and threaten to file - thinking it will scare the WW to return. - From your posts, you are desperate to get your WW back and i think you feel this will scare her back home. If it fails, i feel you will backtrack which shows weekness - Not attractive. - Bye bye respect.
Originally Posted by kto626
Normally, someone as stubborn as my W, how long does it take for them to move through their concussion and reconcile? I don't know if she would, but if she did, how long do W's stay away for? Months? I'm trying to figure out how long this process is.
This was written less than 12 hours before your file comment. You are still focusing on getting her back, not focusing on you.
You need to realise that if she does end it will AP and come running back, the underlying issues are still there - I speak from expereince on this.. I found out about EA1 and ended it with my WW... She gave me a sob story and i took her back. But this didnt address any underlying issues ( this was months before i found this webite or understood the WW mindset ) and with 2 months she was flirting with other guys.
Respect is key here - there are lots of posts on it. You don't gain respect by being nice. I get the impression you have NGS. Try reading No More Mr Nice Guy.
Re your comment about letting her move back in - Personal opinion - I wouldnt allow it, as again you are giving that inch for her. This is your opertunity to man up and do your best by your daughter, showing WW that your dont actually need her there anyway. If you do divorce, this would be the new norm anyway, so why not start now.. Focus on you, focus on your daughter..
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I definitely have NGS! It is totally me. So what do I do? Be a jerk?
Also, I want to file to wake her up, give her 90-180!days before it's finalized, bed if she doesn't wake up, screw her. I can't wait forever. I can't go a day without talking to her...usually about my daughter but things always seem to come up about us. It's impossible that it doesn't.
She is in complete control. Why can't I taje some back by filing? My W is so indecisive and runs away from all problems. She knows she can come back so she is going to play this game forever. I can't do that. A lot of people have suggested to file to wake her up.
What good can come from not doing it? What bad thing comes from filing?
The opposite of NGS is NOT being a jerk. You need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy stat!
NGS isn't just being nice. It is being nice to manipulate people to get what you want out of them. If you think about it, that isn't nice at all!
Filing to wake her up will backfire. If you file before YOU are ready to be D'd you will end up D'd, and still have a lot of emotional baggage to work through, including the feeling of not being patient enough.
Filing to take back control? Really? Here is the thing. She wants D. You want to R. How does filing NOT give her control since it is what she wants? I am all for LBSs filing for D when the circumstances and time is right. Filing to wake her up IS NOT the circumstance nor time.
So what good can come from not doing it? See my first paragraph about filing above. What bad thing can come from filing? Also see my first paragraph for filing above.
Principle: Only file for D when you are ready to be D'd. Because that is the likely outcome. Filing for D to "wake her up" will not work the vast majority of time. And then you will regret filing.
When you can file and not care how she reacts to it.....then that was the right time. Not until then.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I definitely have NGS! It is totally me. So what do I do? Be a jerk?
Thats not what its about at all - Its a good book and worth a read.
Originally Posted by kto626
Also, I want to file to wake her up, give her 90-180!days before it's finalized, bed if she doesn't wake up, screw her. I can't wait forever. I can't go a day without talking to her...usually about my daughter
Very irrational and emotional reply - You still dont grasp that she needs to work on herself - but you need to work on you. The last thing you want to do in this state of mind is file. Even if she "wakes up" it wont be all happy families.
Originally Posted by kto626
but things always seem to come up about us. It's impossible that it doesn't.
YOU can control this - You end the conversation.
Originally Posted by kto626
She knows she can come back so she is going to play this game forever. I can't do that.
Well this is where YOU need to be strong and stop allowing her to play a game. You say you cant allow her to do this - Well don't - But do it without having a motive - Stop the contact becuase you want to stop the game playing - not "oh i'll file and it make make her come back" - You need to grasp that this will just happen again - she doesnt respect you.
Originally Posted by kto626
A lot of people have suggested to file to wake her up.
And if it doesnt - you look weak - Unless you are going to be strong on this, you will come across as weak ... Bye bye even more respect. If you can't enforce no contact, the chances of divorcing are less - zero - as its not what you want. You want her back, but you are happy to accept your WW back - still WW - which wont end well..
If you havent read Sandy's posts on this - Do so - I would take her expereince and the advice of people here ( all been there ) over "A lot of people" any day of the week.
Your WW has a lot of work to do - but you will take her back any way you can get her.. You don't need to be a jerk - you do need to gain her respect and i suspect a bit of self respect
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
[quote=Steve85]The opposite of NGS is NOT being a jerk. You need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy stat!
------Is there a thread on this forum? I found some stuff online but it's vague-----
QUOTE Filing to take back control? Really? Here is the thing. She wants D. You want to R. How does filing NOT give her control since it is what she wants? I am all for LBSs filing for D when the circumstances and time is right. Filing to wake her up IS NOT the circumstance nor time.
-----My W has said once she wants a D but since then it's, "I'm not sure if I do" or "I don't want that pressure" etc. Honestly, I don't know if she does but if I bring it up she doesn't want to talk about it....cake and eating it too.
