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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I recently found this:
Originally Posted by Sandi2

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. NEVER LIE! When getting a life or trying to be mysterious….do not lie in order to be able to do it. You can be somewhat vague about what your plans are by not revealing all the details, but never even resemble lying to your spouse! Lying is not Dbing, so if you cannot carry out GAL on a particular time schedule without lying about what you are doing, then keep the trust and don’t lie to your spouse.
38. Do not keep company with the opposite sex. Do not turn to old friends of the opposite sex to talk to about your problems or just to hang out with them. This is not getting a life! This is not acceptable for a MR in trouble and could lead to you getting involved in an EA. If you cannot have your spouse present while you are with the friend of the opposite sex…..then you do not need to be with that friend. That includes any type of regular calls, emails, TM’s, etc., with friends of the opposite sex without the spouse present. You may not understand the seriousness, but it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.
39. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.



So is it that the only reason to not have time/support of members of opposite sex is strictly due to risk of EA???

I have a dear childhood friend who has been the for me thru this bigtime. He lives several states away. There is NO risk of EA. We have always had a special friendship to the point a teacher in high school gave us nicknames that we still use to this day.

Now, now H knows he is a close friend. And shortly after BD... he made a horrible comment that now I could be with this with friend... no desire... never going to happen. H also got into my FB acct and saw that we had been messaging and read those messages... which were in fact all about H and my regrets in the relationship in regards to how I dropped the ball... my pain... etc. H also admitted after trying to hack into my acct that he thought this friend was in town... NOT the case and i made it clear to H that he is not in town.

Did I see myself back by leaning on this friend who is opposite sex... and H is feeling justified in then having an A???

Ther is no risk of EA with this friend... ever but is that the only reason to avoid friends of the opposite sex?

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This is great stuff thank you .so hard to not react especially with children involved ,I know I have to step away and work on me .

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38. Do not keep company with the opposite sex. Do not turn to old friends of the opposite sex to talk to about your problems or just to hang out with them. This is not getting a life! This is not acceptable for a MR in trouble and could lead to you getting involved in an EA. If you cannot have your spouse present while you are with the friend of the opposite sex…..then you do not need to be with that friend. That includes any type of regular calls, emails, TM’s, etc., with friends of the opposite sex without the spouse present. You may not understand the seriousness, but it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.


So is it that the only reason to not have time/support of members of opposite sex is strictly due to risk of EA???

I have a dear childhood friend who has been the for me thru this bigtime. He lives several states away. There is NO risk of EA. We have always had a special friendship to the point a teacher in high school gave us nicknames that we still use to this day.


I apologize for being a little late in seeing your post regarding the rule above.

You have a valid question, and I wish I had added more to #38, but I get so wordy, I was trying to keep it short. Actually, I've seen many cases where the friendship was not with the opposite, but the friend was not a friend to the marriage. Know what I mean?

Let's go back to friends of the opposite sex. Due to the emotional hurt inflicted, low self-esteem, and the emotions being all over the place.......it can render vulnerability. Under those conditions, the male friend's tender concern, special attention, time, soothing words and maybe compliments (which were to encourage you) and it was an ego shot. That's exactly how some EA's begin, b/c the ego shot becomes addicting when you feel starved, so you go back for more "encouragement", b/c it helps you feel better about yourself. Something sparks some feeling that would, ordinarily not happen. You weren't looking for it, but under right circumstances, emotions can get us into trouble if we aren't very aware of what's really happening and why.

He may feel more like your brother, IDK. I'm just sharing what has happened to other people.

Is your friendship with this man exclusive from your H, and your friend's W? I don't mean it's a secret, but this is not a couple's friendship.

As the LBS, you must feel hurt and your self-esteem may be in the tank. As women, most of us feel the need to turn to another female friend or family member to talk. Turning to a male friend to discuss intimate things, such as your H and/or your MR, could be seen as inappropriate to your spouse.........and to your friend's spouse, if he is married. Perhaps neither spouse has said it, b/c they didn't want to appear petty, but having a "special friendship" with the opposite sex can cause jealousy. That doesn't mean they are suspicious of an EA, or more, but when the MR is not where it needs to be......they are jealous of another person receiving more time/attention than them. What if your H had a "special friendship" with a woman, talking to her about his unhappiness with you and the MR? What if their friendship was the two of them, and you were left out? I know we may not admit to feeling jealous, but we might make a few comments letting him know we aren't thrilled that he can turn to a female "friend".

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H knows he is a close friend. And shortly after BD... he made a horrible comment that now I could be with this with friend...


Yes, he is aware of the male's closeness to you, and I dare say it has been a thorn in his flesh. It's just human nature, b/c you were not giving your H the physical touches, personal attention, admiration, etc.

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no desire... never going to happen.


But it does no good trying to verbally explain to your spouse how your "special friendship" with this man is never going to turn sexual. What matters is how this friendship made your H feel. Judging by his comment and actions, I'm guessing it was more painful than you thought.

Quote
H also got into my FB acct and saw that we had been messaging and read those messages... which were in fact all about H and my regrets in the relationship in regards to how I dropped the ball... my pain... etc. H also admitted after trying to hack into my acct that he thought this friend was in town... NOT the case and i made it clear to H that he is not in town.


Put yourself in his shoes. You had been almost unapproachable for your H, but not this other guy. It obviously didn't help when he read the messages, where you talked about private things with your friend. Would he have felt the same, if your friend was a woman instead of a man?

Here's the thing, Kitcat. If you have a friendship with anyone, male or female, and your H is saying enough that you know he isn't thrilled about it.........why would you continue the friendship? I get it.......you've known the friend forever, but which is more important to you..........your friend or your H? Which relationship is more important to save?

I looked up the first few posts in your initial thread, and I immediately thought your H must be having an affair. But when I read about the male friend, it clicked. It all makes sense that your H could feel something more is going on between you and OM, b/c you were withholding the emotional needs of your H. That's what women do when they have another man in their head. All the protests that you could never feel anything but a friend, will not mend your H's heart.....as long as he's not getting his needs met. Maybe he was trying to figure out why you became distant to him, and that's why he went searching through your messages.

So, you may have to make a choice, which relationship is more important to you.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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As a P.S........... I haven't read your story, just the first few posts, so your H may be in an affair, IDK. If so, then hopefully, something else in my post might shed light on my reason for the rule.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Wow, this thread really provides valuable guidance - before reading the first post, I either broke some of the rules, or would instinctively break them if I haven't read this. Thanks a lot for sharing the wisdom!


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sandi, could you elaborate on "36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise."

I am pretty sure about what you are getting at this this rule. But I'd love for you to change to something longer and more explicit. So many of our newcomers to the board are falling into the trap of thinking that the only way they can move on from their WAS is to replace them with someone else. To me that is a cop out. It is extremely unhealthy thinking. And as you so eloquently put it: "other problems easily arise". So I am pretty sure that was the spirit of what you were getting at, whether the meeting of the new person is at a bar, an online dating app, an introduction by someone you know, etc.


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Seems to me it is similar to telling teenagers that nothing good happens after midnight.

Don't stay out late.

Its good advice.


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