Scout's QLC journey #4

[scout12]

This toddler talking business is a double-edged sword. S2 just told me he went to the shops with OW and Dada in Dada’s car yesterday. XH only has two three-hour visits with S2 per week and he has to involve her in his parenting time? Please remind me that this is inevitable and unavoidable and there’s nothing I can do about it... I’m feeling annoyed to even hear her name come out of S2’s mouth. Obviously I can’t expect XH to be appropriate or respectful about this, so I need a reminder to keep my expectations at zero so I won’t be upset when he does something selfish or boneheaded. I’ll just take a deep breath and let it go (but in all honesty, I’ll probably vent about it to a couple of people first). Next time S2 mentions her, I’ll just say “wow, that sounds fun” and change the subject. Ugh.

[kml]

It's inevitable and unavoidable. Sorry.

The silver lining? He's talking so he can also tell you if he's not being treated appropriately. There's a big safety factor in that.

[Believe6]

So sorry, Scout! My kids are older and we are still living in same house so I don't have any sage advice. What I can say is that you seem like a very strong woman and a great mom. What you are doing for the sake of your S is admirable. Keep doing the right thing. We can't control others and what they consider right. We can only try to instill some basic moral code for our kids and hope they understand when they get older why certain things are just not healthy or acceptable.

Sending you thoughts of strength, peace, and love.

[scout12]

An Easter Sunday comedy.

When he opened the door to XH this morning, S2 chirped “Happy Easter!”

XH was delighted and overly jovial in his reply. “Happy Easter, bud!!! Hahaha!!!”

S2 asked XH if he was going to cook eggies.

XH’s face dropped. “Has he already had brekky?”

(Sidenote: XH collects at 8am on Sundays. S2 is up at 6. He is always fed before XH picks him up. XH knows this.)

My neighbour, who always does the exchanges with me, told him he’d already eaten a hot cross bun and milk.

XH: “A hot cross bun??? WOW!!! Hahaha!!!”

S2 looked vaguely alarmed. “Where’s Mama?”

I called out from the kitchen “I’m doing dishes, honey, have a great day. I love you.”

XH shouted “Have a happy Easter, guys!!!”

My neighbour shut the door and said “That was really weird”.

End scene.

Happy Easter, DB friends!

[Believe6]

Scout, I hope your Easter is peaceful and glorious. We have a choice to allow the light to permeate us this season. Let's trust that Jesus (if you believe) is working for us and has promised us a glorious life. We just have to let go and trust.

I loved your little comedy scene. I am hoping your S has a good time with your XH. I know it must be hard without your S today. But soon he will come home with a story and you can look into his amazing eyes and see the love that only a kid can have for his mom.

Blessings!

[scout12]

Thanks for the kind words, B6! I'm not a believer, but the sentiment is still very welcome.

Dropoff this afternoon was its own kind of comedy. S2 knocked and I opened the door with my neighbour by my side. I should add that she is the female half of a married couple we spent a lot of time with during our marriage, and she is a close friend of mine who knows absolutely everything about my situation.

Before I even had the door all the way open, S2 said "Mama, where's OW?"

There was a supremely long and awkward silence. I took S2's bag and tried to hustle him in.

Then he said "Where did OW go?"... Groan! XH said nothing. I quickly looked at XH's car in case she was inside, but I can't be sure if she was there or not. It would take some b@lls for him to bring his affair partner to an exchange at my house!

I said "I don't know, S2, but we don't need to talk about OW. Let's go inside."

We shut the door before anything further could be said.

S2 seemed quiet and very tired and just wanted me to cuddle him. This happens most Sundays, so I'm going to guess that XH doesn't put him down for a nap after lunch like I do. Which is OK, one day without a nap won't harm him, but he tends to be out of sorts for the rest of the evening, which makes it a bit harder on me.

My neighbour and I chatted for a bit. She reckoned OW must have moved in so they could be together during quarantine and I said yeah, probably. She also guessed that XH would be palming off the parenting to OW and said at least there's another person caring for S2 while he's visiting. Which is true, but it's hard for me to stomach this person playing mother to the child whose family she helped break up.

A few minutes later, my neighbour asked S2 (completely at random) who changed his nappies at Dad's house? Without any context or prompting, he said OW. As we were chatting, I realised that I shouldn't dictate whether S2 talks about OW or not, as I want him to trust that he can talk to me about anything in the world. So even though it was unpleasant for me, I asked him if he had fun with OW, and if she was nice, etc. I really wanted to say "she's not nice!".

But I don't ever want S2 to feel uneasy or unsafe at his dad's place, so I won't.

And at the end of the day, OW is not the one who broke up our family. XH is.

[OwnIt]

Handled again like a pro. Yes, you don't want conflict with S2 and you don't want him to know that his words can hurt if he shares them. The talking is a double-edged sword. Good for safety, bad for knife twists, but I expect those will lessen considerably over time. This is really one of the best times as a parent, so enjoy every wonderful moment with him.

[Believe6]

Scout, Wow you are so very strong. What a great mom you are. The amount of restraint it takes to not say anything and to remember that your XH is the one who did this... well that is just amazing to me. Our kids do bring out the best in us, don't they?

I know it's hard to get your S back on his routine, but to provide extra cuddling? Well, when my kids were younger, I cherished those. Soon enough they won't want that and now that mine are teenagers, I have to force myself on them. They tolerate it now because they know their mom needs the affection since they see my H isn't giving me any. And he used to be the most affectionate person. He is still pretty affectionate with the kids, which I appreciate.

He isn't a typical monster. He's just withdrawn, depressed, and selfish. But at least with the kids and the dog he is pretty much as he's always been. Maybe more affectionate since he isn't like that with me anymore.

Anyway, thanks for continuing to share your journey. I don't know how you've stayed so strong and centered. I guess it comes with time and focus. Happy that you are so very strong for your S. Have a great rest of your week!

[scout12]

Thanks, ladies.

Just journalling today. I'm sitting here at my dining room table working from home. It's a beautiful autumn day outside, the windows are wide open, and the sun is pouring in. Every now and then I get distracted looking around my lovely home and the little personal touches I've added since XH moved out. Artwork, plants, photographs. I love the written word and have several framed quotes hung on the walls:

"Children are not a distraction from more important work; they are the most important work."
"If you want to change the world, go home and love your family."
"To the world, you are a mother; to your family, you are the world."
"And remember, the truth that once was spoken: to love another person is to see the face of God."

In the front hallway, I have some watercolour prints of native plants, a sign which says "Welcome to Scout and S2's home" and another set of quotes from four of my favourite authors:

"Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"
"When you consider things like the stars, our affairs don't seem to matter very much."
"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."
"It is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love."

Finally, I have Rudyard Kipling's "If" - my favourite poem - framed in my bedroom. I think it applies to all of us.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

[Believe6]

Wow, this is beautiful, Scout. You've found a way to bring testimony to your space. My parents have a lot of quotes in their house. I don't ever want to live without H, but if that comes to pass, again, I don't wish for it... I too would put up quotes and poems. Words, just as much as images, matter. They can uplift us and ground us and humble us and move us...

And really isn't that what love is about?

Blessings