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I too vote for insecure. I can only imagine a 21 year old who most likely knows that you are the better choice is just wanting to show she's supportive, but knows she can't really compete. It really seems like you are doing so well in these circumstances. My kids are older. I don't know how I'd be if I had a 2 year old and had to really play off being happy and centered all the time. I do well enough with my teenagers, but they get it if I don't feel well or just start sobbing and have to leave. Don't do that too much anymore, thank God. But wow, you are strong. Good for you!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
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scout12 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
I vote for insecure, but could also be ex has told her some crazy BS about you.

How about turning up at the door looking like you're ready for a fashion shoot, and swatting ex on the butt as he turns to leave - just to get her goat? (Ok, not really, and thank god she's not coming to the door, that would be too creepy. And I'd have trouble not spitting in her face. Then again, she's won the "prize" of a super creepy guy who you are better off rid of, so I kinda feel sorry for her. So maybe I'd just give her the stinkeye instead of spitting on her. But that's just me wink )


But then I'd have to touch him! Haha. I'm not at all attracted to him anymore. He's lost weight and was skinny to begin with. His lovely thick dark hair is substantially grey now. He wears these goofy sneakers with jeans. Very uncool.

You and I have similar thoughts on how to handle her. Didn't want to admit it here for fear of DnJ judgement, but I did give her the finger the very first time. Don't think she saw me, but still. Whoops. Sorry DnJ smile

Quote
I too vote for insecure. I can only imagine a 21 year old who most likely knows that you are the better choice is just wanting to show she's supportive, but knows she can't really compete. It really seems like you are doing so well in these circumstances. My kids are older. I don't know how I'd be if I had a 2 year old and had to really play off being happy and centered all the time. I do well enough with my teenagers, but they get it if I don't feel well or just start sobbing and have to leave. Don't do that too much anymore, thank God. But wow, you are strong. Good for you!


Thanks B6. Honestly, it just takes time. No contact is the real MVP. It will be one year since BD on the 5th of June. My healing didn't really start until I made peace with my decision to divorce him. As soon as I confirmed OW, I was DONE. I'm not someone's backup choice or Plan B, even if he is the father of my kid smile also, I stopped leaning on MLC to excuse or explain his behaviour. That helped a lot.


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Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
Didn't want to admit it here for fear of DnJ judgement, but I did give her the finger the very first time. Don't think she saw me, but still. Whoops. Sorry DnJ smile

smile

I think all your ideas about OW are are in play to varying degree and affect. A 21 year old who broke up a marriage and family is in the deep end of the pool. Something I’m pretty sure she didn’t dream about doing as a little girl. Cheating with someone, defines you, and paints your world similarly. So yeah, she’s insecure, big time.

And you are her competition. You are the Mom and were the wife. She will never be able to live up to your example. No matter what, her relationship started in less than high moral standards. It is built upon sand. The likelihood of its crumbling is pretty high. She knows this, or at least feels and suspects it.

I’m pretty sure you have been built up into the crazy ex-wife from H. She is waiting to see it, and she’s going to be disappointed. Sorry, no drama here. Move along OW.

Another interesting thing is she’s a witness. The weeks after BD I never met W without someone else there. If things ever got to a “he said she said” stage, I was going to get the short end of that legal stick. I was concerned about her lying about me or something I did. OW is protecting him. From you, not so much. From himself, yes.

Of course you aren’t threatening him (middle finger notwithstanding smile ). She ensures he stays on the straight and narrow during pick ups and drop offs. I think she and H both know how much of a goof he has been. Just an observation. As I said many things are in play with her decision to attend these times.

And I do think your Mom is on to something as well. OW is young and in love, sees herself spending the rest of her life with H. So yes, she is integrating herself into his life and the life of his son. From here, I see her behaviour with non-vindictive intent; it’s demonstrated in how well S2 is being treated.

Personally, I wouldn’t start parking your car differently just to make him park half on the street in an attempt to limit their lingering. Don’t give them that much power. Park where you want, because you want to, not to manipulate their behaviour. Besides they could come up with something worse and you’d be wishing she just stay in the car again.

As for me judging you. And you thought you made it through didn’t you. Just kidding. Love you.

Seriously, I don’t decide what’s right or wrong in your life. You control you and you choose your path. I will encourage, gently steer, sometimes more aggressively suggest things, etc. The choice is yours. Always.

Please don’t ever fear well intentioned suggestions, advice, admonishment, or a good old 2x4. Around here I’ve found them to be handed out kindly and with respect.

I’m sure there is something I could suggest, but I can’t seem to put my finger on it. smile

I think you are doing really well scout. You’ve got lots to be proud of.

DnJ


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scout12 Offline OP
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Thank you DnJ. I am proud of how far I've come in a year.

Today is one year since BD.

What a weird, intense, glorious, heartbreaking year it has been. When I think back to how I felt this time last year - the constant unease and anxiety making me physically sick, starting to feel like something was really off with X, then watching my life fall apart in an instant - I'm so grateful to be here today. Content and free and secure in my knowledge of the truth.

I will never give away my power again.

I've been feeling a bit bummed lately, so last night I decided to list some things I've achieved in the past twelve months.

- Lost husband
- Paid and filed for divorce by myself
- Paid and finalised legal separation by myself
- Kept 100% custody of S2
- Bought X out of the family home we designed and built together
- Removed myself from X's truck loan
- Created and managed my own household budget
- Paying mortgage and bills on my own
- Applied for and now receiving government assistance
- Applied for and now receiving child support
- Received a promotion at work
- Transitioned to permanent remote work
- Put $7k in savings
- Refurnished and redecorated my home
- Took the remainder of X's things to the dump
- Toilet trained S2
- Moved S2 into a big bed
- Taught S2 to swim
- First holiday on plane with S2
- First camping trip with S2
- Had several first dates

Meanwhile X:
- Lost wife
- Rented a house
- Moved in with OW
- Gave up custody of S2
- Received settlement funds from me
- Solely responsible for his truck loan (a debt worth half the settlement funds)
- Committed insurance fraud
- Bought a brand new motorbike
- Bought a brand new jetski
- Ruined his reputation at work
- Lost all our mutual friends
- Family knows he had an affair
- Visited son covered in hickies
- Called me a bitch and a whore in front of son
- Bailed on S2 on his birthday, Xmas Eve, NYE
- Refused to help me when S2 was sick
- Continues to deny the affair

On balance, I think I'm the winner.

One thing is for certain - I am a hundred times the mother I would have been had X not abandoned us. The bond between me and S2 is indescribable. He is the light of my life and my pride and joy. Towards the end of the marriage there was a morning where X was openly resentful of S2 because he was stopping X from sleeping in. S2 would have been about a year old at the time. To my shame now, I tried to appease X by telling him that was me and him united against S2. I was so depressed and anxious from X's lack of support, I was starting to resent my own son as well. X thought that was really funny and coined it 'UAS' (United Against Son'). Ugh, that was awful.

I think I had to learn this very hard lesson in order to value the incredible gift of parenthood. And for that, I would go through it over and over again.


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Quote
things I've achieved in the past twelve months.

- Lost husband


Lol - yes, in your case, that IS an achievement! And look at all the good you have in your life since that happened.

Sometimes we don't really know what we are putting up with until it is gone and we are free.

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Hi scout

Good lists!

I’ll add one:

Quote
things I've achieved in the past twelve months.

- Found myself


It’s wonderful realizing the valuable gifts and lessons learn from such an incredible (and unwanted at the time) opportunity. The journey is very much worth the results.

DnJ


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Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Advice needed please.

Last week I was stopped by S2's daycare teacher when I picked him up. She told me he had a much better day, to which I replied that I wasn't aware he was having bad days? Looking flustered, she told me they had informed X, on the one day a week he does daycare pickup, that S2 had been unusually rough with the other kids. She apologised several times for not informing me separately to X. I said not to worry, but please do let me know in future any concerns about S2. I also mentioned that X is uncommunicative about childcare which makes things difficult.

They assured me they would inform both parents separately in future.

They also told me that X had asked them to keep soiled underwear and send it home in S2's bag, whereas I had instructed them to dispose of any soiled undies. This was apparently confusing and awkward for the teachers. I let them know that X doesn't have clothes for S2 at his house (or his own room/bed, according to S2) and has been sending soiled clothes, complete with solid poops inside, NOT in a plastic bag, home with S2 for me to wash. The teachers were kind of horrified by this and apologised for not knowing.

They also said they would follow my instructions moving forward.

Should I bring this up with X? As much as I've embraced no contact with him, I would absolutely do the right thing in matters of our child's behaviour or health and keep him in the loop. I don't want to set a precedent that this lack of communication is okay in this parenting relationship. Or is this not important enough to warrant a conversation?


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I always walk the fine line between sharing information and avoiding mayhem, misery and manipulation.

I don't want to do an app like family wiz..rd because I don't want my H to know that much and he mostly doesn't ask.

But if I was actively coparenting like you are, I might do that so that the stuff is posted and recorded but you don't have to talk to him.

For something like this, I would arrange with the daycare yourself to inform you of all things, that's done, so you don't have to tell H to tell you. If you want to have record that you are including him, just say, "Daycare let me know that S had a better behavior day. I also confirmed that I don't want soiled undies coming home; you can let them know if you have a different policy for days he goes home with you. Thanks."

My experience is that children are weaponized by the MLCer every chance they get. The less the better, but keep records of EVERYTHING for custody decisions/changes.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Good Morning scout

I agree with Gerda’s advice and suggestions. How stubborn has XH been lately? Do you think an app might help?

I’m happy to hear you embraced no contact and are willing to do the right thing for S2. I believe a more personal involvement, as in direct conversation or face to face, should be utilized to XH when discussion S2. You are correct, you are setting the precedent of communication for future issues as well.

When talking to XH, do something like Gerda’s example - just tell him what you did, it implies his compliance. I would not even bring up what he can do on his days. That opens the door for an argument, and I detracts from the implied compliance he needed you want him to adhere to.

The daycare providers recognizing S2 is having some troubled days and being unusually rough might be concerning. It does require follow up with S2. A nice talk to see what, if anything, is bothering him. There are lots of reasons for a boy, or girl, to play more aggressively. Depending on what is happening, will steer your actions and responses.

You are now directly in the loop with the daycare. Well done. Timely feedback is needed.

Originally Posted by scout12
I don't want to set a precedent that this lack of communication is okay in this parenting relationship. Or is this not important enough to warrant a conversation?

Very true. Lack of communication is not ok.

Couples who split and don’t talk, still communicate - usually through the kids, or pets, or something else. Children become the medium and conduit for communication that should never involve them. They don’t want the job or the messages they send, unwittingly or otherwise. And, like other third party communication, the messages gets garbled and jumbled. Purple monkey dishwasher.

I know you wisely realize this, and will prevent it. Just encouraging and assuring you are on the right path. Kids and parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual. A trip to the hospital, a flurry of activity, and poof you’re a parent. You’re handed a squiggling small life and sent on your way.

You are doing a fine job Mom.

D


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Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hey scout

How you been?

I feel the soiled nappy incident is him goading you and that it deserves raising with him, by email. Maybe show us your draft if you decide to do that.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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