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#2889168 03/12/20 11:09 PM
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scout12 Offline OP
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Thread #3

De-escalation is definitely my goal now. This was only the third time I've spoken to him in person since I found out about the affair in October, so I have done pretty well at not engaging overall. Kid changeovers are generally very quick with no interaction. There were some things that needed to be said on my part this time for my own closure, but now it's time to grey rock. The next time he tries to engage, I will politely but firmly say that the only topic we need to discuss is childcare and we can do that over email or text.

I unfriended the rest of his family on social media before deciding to deactivate my accounts altogether. Staying in MLC and infidelity groups was keeping me stuck. I asked our mutual friends to please avoid talking about him or informing me what he's doing. I've asked my group of friends to hold me accountable on my decision to stop discussing the marriage, affair, or divorce. I'm really, truly ready to put it all behind me and move on with the next chapter of my life with S2. Whether that means stopping my posts here, I'm not sure yet. If nothing else, this has been an effective way to document times, dates and incidents.

Thanks to all who have read and replied to my posts over the past nine months. It has been a source of comfort and reassurance during dark times. Onwards and upwards!


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Hey Scout,

De-escalation is good. I'd suggest not putting yourself in a situation anymore where he can engage, such as thinking about changeover at another venue or supervised. Your call though, but I understand if you have your reasons for keeping it at your home.

Remember, you dodged a bullet with this guy - don't let the bullet shrapnel get you though.

The email to your L from XH is most likely an expression of impotent rage

I hope the new chapter in your and your son's book is full of wonder, excitement and anticipation, and has the happy ending both of you so richly deserve.

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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scout12 Offline OP
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Thanks DS!

I'm due to sign the consent orders at my L's office on Wednesday. Very ready to get this done.

Just journalling now, even though I said I wasn't going to focus on the past anymore. This seemed significant enough to reflect on.

Tonight, I found a notebook in my desk drawer that I used to keep notes, scribble down reminders, scraps of writing inspiration, song lyrics etc. And apparently, a couple of letters to XH. One from 2012 after we'd been together for year or so, and another from 2013 just before we moved in together.

The first one:
Quote
I love you so much. This is hard but it's come to the point where I have to say it for my own sake. This is beyond "getting sh!tty" or whinging or whatever, so please try to understand and take it seriously.

The truth is that ever since you told me that us being together probably wouldn't result in anything serious, I've been unsure about everything. Unintentionally or not, you really hurt me. I feel like I'm not good enough for you and I'm just holding on until the other shoe drops. I've tried to explain this but I always do it wrong which is why I'm putting it in writing for clarity.

This has always been serious for me, I wouldn't have bothered to keep up a real relationship this long for anything less. To hear that I might have been wrong for the past year has been killing me, especially when you keep telling me you love me. I don't get how you can love me but not imagine or want any kind of future with me, even in an abstract way.

You'll probably say I'm over-reacting or taking it the wrong way but I'm so confused that I don't know what to do any more. I'm going to give you some space to think about what you really want. I know what I want now.

I want someone to be proud to call me their girlfriend and introduce me to their parents and friends. I want someone who takes me seriously and doesn't dismiss my feelings even if they seem trivial or make you uncomfortable. I want someone who isn't afraid to consider the possibility of a future with me. I love you so much and think you could be someone like that if you thought I was worth the effort.

So that's what I want you to decide. Because constantly waiting for the other shoes to drop is doing my head in. There's a simple solution to this situation, one way or the other. I consider myself lucky to have you and I'm always here if you need me, so come talk to me when you're ready.


The second one:
Quote

I'm writing this under the assumption that neither of us want to break up. Let me make it clear that in no way, shape or form do I want to break up. This is also under the assumption that we will be living together in a few weeks' time, which for the record I am looking forward to and I hope you are as well. In general we have a good relationship and I will always love you.

However I am struggling right now and it seems you are having trouble as well. Monday night was pretty much the last straw after a number of incidents over the past few weeks. So this is what's going to happen. I'm going to make it easy for you by taking myself out of the equation for a while. You can have those two or three nights a week back to do whatever you want. I don't really care. You don't have to talk to me or see me or "check in", though I will not ignore you if you want to do so.

You deserve better than a girlfriend who is angry and heartbroken all the time. I deserve more than the scraps of your time that are left over when you're finished doing everything else. This will give you time to figure out where I fit in your schedule, and I will have the chance to restore my sanity as well as my feelings of goodwill and trust toward you, which honestly are pretty low right now.

I am doing this because I don't know what else to do. You don't seem to comprehend my point of view no matter how much I explain. You don't seem to recognise the difference between being "needy" or "clingy" and genuinely wanting to share something and be close with someone. I have never tried to control what you do or who you spend time with as long as I get a fair look-in. My only agenda is that I miss you and care about things that are going on in your life, and that's why I want to be close to you.

I guess I thought that since we are going to take a fairly serious step in a few weeks that you would expect and even be happy that our lives are becoming more intertwined. However if this scares you or is not what you want, then I think we will have a real problem.

Although spending less time with you isn't what I want, I can't continue on with thing the way they are right now. So I am making an executive decision that this is what needs to happen. As I said, I love you and will always be here if you need me. So call me if you want to talk about anything at all.


Reading these letters again absolutely broke my heart for that young 20-something year old girl. She was so earnest and in love. I don't recall any specific incidents but I do remember constant unease, anxiety, confusion, and insecurity. He made me believe there was something wrong with me and that our relationship problems were all my fault.


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Sometime around this time period (2012-13) I booked myself into counselling without really understanding why I was so anxious and depressed. He agreed to come along to one session and we did a little written exercise that I also found in my notebook.

My concerns
1. I only get leftover time, not prime time
2. I push him away because I'm boring and sad
3. He feels trapped and obligated to take care of me when I get upset
4. He loses interest in me if I don't want to have sex or if it's boring
5. He only does things with me because I initiate them
6. I'm not outgoing enough for him
7. He doesn't want to engage with me because he's always on his phone or computer
8. He doesn't like our house because he can't escape me

His concerns
1. I can't do anything outside the house because it's time I could be spending with her
2. I get blamed for not being there when I have to work late
3. Quality time never counts as quality time to her
4. I am impatient

Again, I want to go back in time and give myself a big hug. I deserved so much better. I really debased and devalued myself to make him happy, but it was never enough. On the plus side, I will be much more deliberate when choosing my next partner and will never again invest in an emotionally immature and avoidant man. I'll also take my learnings into my next relationship, as I am by no means perfect either, but I am always trying to be better.

Last edited by scout12; 03/16/20 12:53 PM.

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Scout, that is the advantage of hindsight. It allows you to connect the dots in a way that you can't in the moment. I married at 21. I ignored lots of red flags too. Important to see that, learn from it, and move on from it, but not beat yourself up about it. When we know better, we do better. Give that girl a big hug, and this one too who sees clearly now and is making choices to protect herself and her son.

You are such a very strong person. I'd love to see you turn that strength into some compassion for your STBX, for your sake and for your son's. Does he deserve it? Probably not, but you guys do. You have a lifetime of having to deal with him and the sooner you can see him as a former business partner with whom you have to engage rather than someone at the core of very powerful emotions, the easier and more pleasant for all of you. We can't change what happened in the past, but we can minimize the harm it causes us by keeping it there. I'm a much slower study than you, but through lots of trial and error I can tell you that the more I don't take the bait and feel the need to make a point or prove I know something, or inflict a little harm back, the better I feel about myself and my situation.

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It's a tough one, Own.

I do pity him - is that compassionate? Or condescending? Maybe I'm deluding myself, but the goal of the last few interactions was not to tear him a new one, but to help him understand himself better, and me as well. To show that I do not hate him despite what he's done. I don't want to punish him or get revenge, I just want to move on and get away from him. I admit that I do get a little hung up on The Truth, because how do you have even a business-like relationship with someone whose sense of reality is so corrupted by self-deceit, and who projects that onto you to control the situation and f*ck with your own sense of reality?


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Scout,

Pity is condescending and not the same as compassion, regardless of what its denotation is. You may want to help him understand himself better, but that isn't your place anymore. He doesn't value your input. He is not going to hear anything you say to him.

The best way to get away from him for your own sanity is gray rock. No emotion. No supply. Don't feed the machine. They really don't like it when you don't fight back. Makes it much harder to hate you and blame you. In time you'll feel a certain quiet power in restraint.

Your truth and his truth are two separate things. There is no absolute truth. You don't have the truth on your side any more than he does and you don't want to be self-righteous.

Let him go with as little energy as possible. Remember the whole what we resist persists thing.

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Originally Posted by scout12
Maybe I'm deluding myself, but the goal of the last few interactions was not to tear him a new one, but to help him understand himself better, and me as well. To show that I do not hate him despite what he's done. I don't want to punish him or get revenge, I just want to move on and get away from him. I admit that I do get a little hung up on The Truth, because how do you have even a business-like relationship with someone whose sense of reality is so corrupted by self-deceit, and who projects that onto you to control the situation and f*ck with your own sense of reality?

scout ~

It is maddening, isn't it? You just want to sit down and have an honest conversation without all the raw emotion clouding everything. Agree to disagree, but at least have some basic understanding.

One time in my situation, my W said (condescendingly, no less): "I know how important it is to you for you to feel heard." And I thought... "Yeah, that's true for every human being on this planet!"

He doesn't want to hear you, and likely never will. And it won't be your fault for lack of trying. Whether he comes around or not is not within your control. Sure, you could probably sabotage it I guess, but you can't make it happen. It's one thing to let go of the MR. It's another to stop CARING about reality, about what the other person thinks, about how they interact with you, and your kid/s, and how you want them to know you aren't malevolent and vengeful.

You can't control it. You just can't. We all want the amicable split, and some of us can't have it. At least not in the short-term.

Acceptance is hard. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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Originally Posted by scout12
To show that I do not hate him despite what he's done. I don't want to punish him or get revenge, I just want to move on and get away from him. I admit that I do get a little hung up on The Truth, because how do you have even a business-like relationship with someone whose sense of reality is so corrupted by self-deceit, and who projects that onto you to control the situation and f*ck with your own sense of reality?


scout, this resonates so much with me. I too am trying to find love and compassion despite everything....and let go of any resentment, hate and other negative feelings I have for my H. But the truth part eats at me. His version of reality vs mine. His denial of HIS contribution to the failure of our M.

So I know I need to continue working on that part about myself...like Ownit and unchien said...be the gray rock, accepting that H does not want to hear me.

You cannot wake someone who's pretending to be asleep.....

hugs.


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Thank you Own, unchien, wooba for listening and commiserating. The real talk is appreciated.

Consent orders are signed and on their way to be filed with the court. Execution date depends on slowdowns/shutdowns due to coronavirus, but should be within 4-6 weeks. It's a relief to have the business side of things over and done. My L said she will prepare the divorce paperwork sometime in May, ready to file in June.

Not sure on the best way to file for divorce (solely or jointly). A sole application means I will have to attend a court hearing. I'm happy to pay for the application myself whether it's sole or joint. I'll do some research and speak to my L.

My last email to XH was on February 25th asking if we could work out the parenting plan between us. I offered to commence the new schedule that very evening if he agreed to it then and there. I haven't heard anything back. So that's four opportunities for dinner/bathtime with S2 he has missed, and one overnight weekend he could have had in that time.

But me? I get daily dinners and bathtimes and bedtime stories and snuggles. I know that these days will be over all too quickly. He is such a funny and sweet little boy. This morning I went to wake him up to get ready for his dad's visit. Before he even opened his bleary little eyes, he said "Hi mama, cuddles and kisses" and dropped a big kiss on my mouth when I picked him up.

He has also started exclaiming "oh my goodness!" out of nowhere which is so quaint and cute. When our two cats start playing up he says "Oh my goodness! Naughty cats, I go have a look."

Oh, and the other night we finished our bedtime story and I told him it was lights out. He politely informed me "S2's a little bit busy".

Last one. We always have a big chat when I pick him up from daycare. Last Thursday I asked did you have fun at dad's house that morning and what did you do? He replied "Dada cooked eggies, hot hot hot". That was the first time he was able to tell me what he does with XH, and since XH doesn't communicate that information, I felt a little more at ease. It was also very cute!


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