Time to file? (Thanks BenB - part 2)

[Mumin]

Journal
Spending the night at my brother. It was late and bcs of Corona they cancelled most of the buses.

So W keeps asking me 'What will you do tonight?' when she is home with the kids.
I usually answer. At least an hour later.
I guess I shouldnt be answering at all... I motivate it too myself with "she needs to know because of the kids".

I feel very close to filing. Might wait till easter... See what happens.

[Mumin]

Journal.
Having a bad day today. Feeling sad and low energy.
Dreamt about W for the first time in a long time. Probably because I was up late reading DB.

Any pointers on my last post?
Would love for Sandi to come by here, seen she is very active atm at some other posts. Is it possible to request?

[LH19]

M,

I’m ok with you filing. She has a boyfriend after being married for 3 months. Clearly she has issues to work out.

[Mumin]

Thanks for staying up to date with my posts and replying LH!!!
Means a lot!

Actually got all the papers ready today. Just need a printer now.
And then its signatures...

[LH19]

No problem! Keep your head held high. You deserve better.

[sandi2]

Any pointers on my last post?
Would love for Sandi to come by here, seen she is very active atm at some other posts. Is it possible to request?

Last post????

I was trying to quickly read through your threads. Don't know that I have any advice that you haven't already been given. It's a sad situation, like all who come to the board. IMHO, you are doing what is "necessary", if you intend to hold on to your manhood. WW's are infamous for stripping her nice-guy H of his manhood, to the point the poor guy doesn't know who is the real male in their relationship. So, I commend you for getting your ball(s) and walking away from the game. That's how she treats the MR, like it's a game.

I get the sense that you are a very sensitive guy, and there is nothing wrong with it. I also think you were way too helpful in her everyday life. You probably saw it as acts of love, but she begin to take it for granted. Anyway, I just want to warn you that when you are dealing with a WW, you have to brace for the most insensitive words & actions to come from her direction. She'll even act insulted or shocked that you aren't happy to see her or you're not still doing things for her. Wayward W's are self unaware, arrogant, illogical, usually spoiled by someone.....(parents or husband), and their sense of entitlement is enough to make you gag. She'll throw out a few bread crumbs from time to time, like......."I'm not sure how I feel", just to hike the H's hope. But, she's not serious.

She will do things as her way to keep him emotionally attached, although she doesn't want to be his "wife".....she still wants him available, just in case she needs him to babysit, run an errand for her, let her sleep in the marital bedroom, of have "family time" if she's bored. It's apparent that I can't say enough bad things about a WW. I don't have an ax to grind, I'm simply trying to pay forward the information I have gathered, witnessed, and experienced. If anyone is helped from it, then it is well worth it to me.

So W keeps asking me 'What will you do tonight?' when she is home with the kids.

This is an example of her checking your emotional temperature to see how attached you are to her......in spite of her deceit, manipulation, and betrayal. The higher the temperature reads, the further away she gets.......b/c she knows she can still get you when she's ready for you. You can't make it easy for her to get you back. She has to work very hard to restore what she destroyed.

Someone said, "You have to take away her Plan B", which I thought was a good answer. Family activity, hanging out together, having long phone chats, eating together, attending events together, etc., is all Plan B for her. It doesn't draw her closer, like a lot of LBH's want to believe. The WW doesn't want her LBH, she wants another guy. She won't even begin to get the smallest bit interested in her LBH, until she sees him walking away. She has to suffer loss, due to her decisions, before there's much chance of her turning around and finding herself again. She doesn't want her place/position in his life to be replaced, but as long as she feels she controls him, then she's not worried. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm telling you I have watched it happen over & over again for many years.

If I read correctly, she was already wayward before the wedding took place. I hate this has happened to you. I think walking away from her is the right move. Even if she came today and begged you not to file, she would not stick. She is addicted to the affair, and if she went NC, she would still have a long process ahead of her. Not trying to discourage you, just being real honest with you. If you can move on and make a new life for yourself, then do what is best for you.

I hope you won't stop posting right now, unless it's just too depressing to continue. We are here to offer moral support, if you need us.

I won't keep talking on & on, but I will watch to see if you reply and/or keep posting. If not, I want to wish you the very best going forward. (((hugs)))

[Mumin]

Thanks again LH! I sure do!

So when the papers are ready, I would like some pointers on how I "present" them to her.
Either I just leave them out for her like its not a big deal or I take the opportunity to set some boundaries and tell her about my plan forward.
I think I will do the second approach, which means I need to prepare.

We will have a 6 month waiting period (by law) so untill then (sometime time in September or October) we will need some "ground rules".
* I will keep living in the house 100% and after the summer I will start actively looking for something new. She does whatever she needs to do.
* Till she has (or I have) moved out I will accept no phone calls or discussion about OM.
* During these 6 months thing will probably stay the same as now, but after I will not want to be her "friend". Contact about necessities and kids ONLY.
* We will need to agree on loads of things for the kids schools, activities, shopping, savings (for future) etc
* Today we are on a 2,2,3 schedule with the kids but when we live in separate places I will want to have weeks. Also expect this during the summer vacation.


Any pointers on the above or any tips for other threads to read for this stage?
Would like to bring up things that make me look strong and respectable.
Should I prepare an asset list? (We dont really have the same legal procedure here but it might still look strong and show I am mentally ready to move on. Which I actually dont think she is.). Likely, there will be no lawyers involved.

[LH19]

Yo M not a big fan of words. Deal with OM when and if it comes up. No need to tell her you won’t be friends. Just go NC unless about kids. Can you have her served? You show strength with actions not words.

[ovrrnbw]

Well people who are divorcing and are sure of it just file the papers and let them get served (not sure of the process for you Vikes). Actions, not words. Don't tell her crap. Don't try to "set rules". You live in your house and you focus on you, you don't worry about her. You talk to her only on kids and you go about your life beyond that.

* We will need to agree on loads of things for the kids schools, activities, shopping, savings (for future) etc

Prepare to not know all these answers right away. Prepare to get baited and act in accordance with your values. You will be tested.

[Mumin]

First. THAAAAANK YOU to everyone! These last posts made a previously bad day into a good day!
Going to bed happy thanks to you guys!
Huge appreciation to you Sandi that you came by and for getting your head around my sitch!

Second, This is not my last post. I should have written previous instead of last.
My aim is that this is still just the beginning for me at DB.

So to your comments and questions:
Sandi I think you and I posted simultaneously so there was some recent stuff added but I got some good advice already.

I am not certain I am very sensitive but I am far into NGS, I can be naive and I have high integrity.
I have as you say been way too helpful and almost father-like towards my W. STUPID when I look back. ITs bad for both of us...
I have read your view on WW's on many other threads (newcomer with WW are really Awesome!) and I cant say that I think it will ever get old. They are so irrational and self-centered that it is very hard to grasp.

You can't make it easy for her to get you back. She has to work very hard to restore what she destroyed.

The first thing that would have to happen is her to quit her job. (OM is co-worker like so many other)

Someone said, "You have to take away her Plan B", which I thought was a good answer. Family activity, hanging out together, having long phone chats, eating together, attending events together, etc., is all Plan B for her. It doesn't draw her closer, like a lot of LBH's want to believe.

This should go in some checklist and be added to. I will remember it for future boundaries.

I will be doing what is best for me and the kids!
(W missed D5's ballet for like the 4th time in two months and gave the kids ONLY rice for dinner the other day)

So about the D. I was about to print everything tonight but I am out of toner...
What does "have her served" actually mean?
The way I interpret it, my version of this would be option 1.
Just leave the papers on kitchen counter ready for her to sign.
Very good points that I dont need to talk that much.
At some point we will have to handle Where to live but that is definitely months down the road given Corona and 6 month waiting period.

Many ppl here have talked about an asset list. Whats your take in this, should I create one and give that to her as well?