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Mumin Offline OP
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Ping


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Texted W this morning that pre-school teacher reminded about our schedule (she doesn't always fill in her times and I used to handle that mostly).

She answers with "OK (smiley face). I am not used to this new routine yet".
So not taking responsibility. I haven't answered.

Also still hurts a bit when she uses those phrases. I brush it off easily though.
Anyway this whole answer makes me think that she STILL thinks the status quo is OK and will keep going, and that there is NO disagreement or any concern now.
As if I am fine with everything...
I guess I shouldnt but this gives me an urge to tell her its not fine, she has TOTALLY deceived me and I will NOT be helping/catering/comforting her anymore...


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Mumin
She obviously isnt home and I sort of hope she will be commenting on it tomorrow. So I can NOT answer.


Try to detach to the point where you don't care whether she says anything or not.

Quote
Not sure what my next DB move is now. She sleeps in the cabin now... Any points on my next move? Ovr, Steve, LH, AS, R2C, Ben etc?


No move is the best move. LBS's always feel like they need to do something, they are grasping to establish control of their life again. But it leads the LBS to do hasty things they regret later. Just relax, take a deep breath, remind yourself that this is a marathon and not a sprint.

I've run a marathon (literally, as well as the post-BD marathon). A marathon isn't 26 miles of full speed sprinting. It is all about settling into a relaxed pace. It's about finding that peaceful zen spot in your mind while you're churning out these thousands of repetitive, boring, eventually painful steps. It's very much a case of mind over matter, because if you think too much about it your mind starts listing off all the pain and discomfort you're going through and telling you to stop to make it go away. If you can put your mind at peace then you focus on something other than the pain and discomfort and you put yourself on autopilot. You think pleasant thoughts, you let your mind drift to other places. Then just when you become content with your pace and disposition and forget about the destination, there it is. This is very much what BD'ing is. Work on your 180's until they become familiar patterns. Quit forcing something to happen with your marriage or divorce and just settle into life. The finish line will present itself in due time and when it does you'll know what to do.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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W wants to sell one of our cars.
She says "I really need all the money I can get now. Need to plan for myself."
She doesn't understand that we might even lose money on that car...

Once again seems like she's moving on.

Last edited by Mumin; 03/17/20 05:34 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Mumin
Once again seems like she's moving on.


It seems that way because she IS moving on! And you've got to let her. Detach. GAL. Leave her alone. Somewhere down the line she's going to look back, and when she does if she sees a sad, desperate needy you then she will look forward again and stay on her journey without you. However, if she sees a strong, independent, content you then she may be attracted back to you.

What I am saying is right now she is done and moving on. Later? That could change. It depends on what you do with yourself.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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BIG Thanks for answers AS! It sure sounds logical. I really like the marathon analogy. Good to be reminded of it.
Also VERY good description of how this is my time to improve. Maybe she will see it. Maybe she wont.
Think I am doing real good at not being needy though.

I have gotten quite far (compared to earlier) on detaching but now I am not sure how to actively work on this. Any tips?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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I'd talk to a lawyer. She cannot be selling joint property and pocketing the money herself. Then she'll file and take half of what's left. Waywards are devious, take extreme care. I'd also cancel all joint credit cards, move your pay check into a separate account and be very careful financially.

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Good input Vapo.
Will get a new credit card since she has my details.
Also moving health insurance (if I die) to the kids.

In this topic. I had IC today.
He thinks D as soon as possible. "Give her the 6 months, but start planning for your new life."
What scared me the most of our conversation was "what happens to you if W loses her job tomorrow?"
House, bills etc etc...


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 574
Likes: 5
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Mumin Offline OP
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Hi again,
Just came home and W was in MBR talking on phone (most probably with OM).
I just went and had a shower and prepared to potentially enforce some sort of boundary. (During witch they hung up)
After I went to shave and she came to talk to me, Corona and work etc.
She talked some work related feelings and I validated a bit.

Afterwards I feel torn/ambivalent/unsure if I did the right thing.
As established in my first thread her talking with OM in my face and then talking about her feelings is hugely disrespectful. But she didn't know when I was coming home and they/she did end the call...


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by Mumin
Afterwards I feel torn/ambivalent/unsure if I did the right thing.
As established in my first thread her talking with OM in my face and then talking about her feelings is hugely disrespectful. But she didn't know when I was coming home and they/she did end the call...


As long as she wasn't talking about OM then I think that's fine. If she does talk about OM then just tell her you're not interested. Regarding her talking to him in the house, it's very disrespectful but there's not a lot you can do about it. At least she hung up, that's more than many WAS's will do.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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