Today's thread title is courtesy of the British Library which recently digitized a 15th century handbook on how to scold your children.
As someone who has a tendency to consult written sources when in doubt about things and who had the whole set of "what to expect" books when my kids came along, it's not surprising that there was a handbook on how to scold children.
S and I are off shortly to a local "wedding show" and to have a day's adventure together. It's a lovely clear day here with almost the scent of spring in the air. I'll check for my supplies of pepper spray but may have to just use my pepper grinder instead if difficult conversations need to be had.
I was surprised when I got home that S25 was here. He booked off work because he pulled a muscle in his shoulder, he believes by sleeping wrong. Ah - welcome to adulthood. We did chat about a few things and he seems to be getting more and more excited about being on his own. One item was our cats "the girls". We both agree that it would be best if they moved with him as the introduction of to other cats, a dog and three rabbits might be a bit much for them. S's cats are also not de-clawed. I'm sure they would sort everything out on their own, but why introduce stress if we don't have to. There will be stress if they move from they home they've been in their entire lives but undoubtedly less than if they stay.
The town that S25 is looking at moving to is a good size and a 30 minute commute from work and about an hour from here. He could also be looking at places in the small city the same distance away where co-incidentally OM is from. He doesn't seem to be interested. I do know that his mother has moved, presumably with OM who sold his house last year and I would presume they are living close to or in that city but don't know. I can't see them living anywhere near that other town. Perhaps being close to his mother isn't a priority for S25.
I mentioned that I've still not heard from D27 and just got a shrug. I was surprised to not get a Valentine's card from her. She's usually good about that. I'll directly ask her for a call next week I think. I've avoided pushing things, but it's been since October that she stopped talking to me. For those who don't recall, I had warned her to be careful around new male friends as a single and pretty young lady in a strange city. I think the "topper" was when I mentioned that her mother had assured me that OM was completely safe - and then he wasn't so to not trust intentions. She's not talked to me since.
I'm feeling Spring in my bones and can feel the thunder of the on-rushing future approaching. I had a chat with my former boss on Friday and got the definite feeling he had had plans to downsize me and my colleague who does the same job. He was rather surprised that I'm working on re-inventing myself. There's a few things going on at the one plant including our new co-generating initiative that I've been informally asked if I'm interested in being involved in. Heck yeah! We're losing our part-time admin person at the end of March and so then we'll be down by about 3 people leaving only 3 people not counting me.
In other news 20S is stopping by the house today with her grand-mama to go through stuff. Hopefully she'll take a bunch with her. I think she can use the money she could get from selling some and when she abruptly left her former "situation" I think it was pretty much with just the clothes on her back.
Didn't expect that I'd have much to write on this "bookmark" post but I suppose once I get writing, it's hard for me to stop.
Enjoy your weekend all! I've got to get my overnight bag and CPAP machine packed up and head out to pick up S.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sitting in S's apartment at 10:00 am surrounded by critters. S is "not" a morning person. I've already fed the critters, walked her daughter's dog for a bit over 3 1/2 km, picked up some groceries, cleaned her cat boxes, washed the car, filled it with gas and grabbed myself a large tea.
Late risers really don't know what they're missing in their days.
So - we did finally have our first fight. Fortunately nothing too serious. Caused mostly be being tired and grumpy late yesterday. It's amazing how these things can spiral out of control. But overall I think it was helpful as it cleared the air about a few things.
I was washing the dishes - something S has difficulty with right now with her back still hurting. It turns out I was doing it wrong and not rinsing them before drying. She asked me to do that, I grumpily agreed, then she reminded me two more times. I snapped at her that she'd already told me three times. She countered that I've been mean to her and she didn't like the way I talked to her. She dragged out various things that she'd interpreted one way when they were meant another and started crying.
I stopped what I was doing, offered her a hug, we hugged it out, I drained the sink and we sat and talked.
We both are dealing with throwbacks to prior relationships. Ah divorce - the gift that keeps giving. In my case it was being told I do everything wrong and being made to feel "less than". Something I've explored here a bit so at least I was mindful of it. Similarly in her case.
Add on top of that us both being tired and her being in a lot of pain and she admitted, feeling more than a bit emotional recently so it was a bit of a powder keg.
At least it's more out in the open now and we've talked about it. And both agree to try to do better.
I did ask her if she still wanted to get married and she said yes. I asked if she still wanted to get married to me and she laughed and said yes. She asked me the same questions and got the same answers.
I think that another thing that S is struggling with is how we handle our leisure time at home. I'm a putterer. I can't easily sit still when there's things to be done. She'd like us to sit together and watch TV - which I can only do in short segments. I think she's learning that puttering is how I relax but it undoubtedly seems weird to her as a SAHM who looks at what I'm doing as her every-day work.
I know that in the end that it will all be worth it, but this is certainly work. It would certainly be easier to stay single and while I know that is an option it's not the one that I want. I do want to move forward with S and her crew.
Well - my take-away tea is done. No breakfast yet - I'm still very uncomfortable in S's kitchen. In some ways kitchens are a very personal thing at least to me. Perhaps to her as well which may explain her insistence on washing the dishes "her" way. It's certainly not a problem at the house for me to do it the way that I have been for 50 years.
Lovely sunny day here. We have some things to take care of at the apartment. A plant that needs re-potting, a fan that need a repair after the bunnies chewed through the cord, some cleaning that S can't manage on her own. Still have my own groceries to do (picked up my roses yesterday morning) and Sunday supper to make plus my ironing. S isn't sure she'll be there as S13 has some homework that needs to be done for Monday that he's not started. He's off with his Dad this weekend so it's guaranteed that he's not doing it there. I'm going to see if S is more awake. We're planning on going out for brunch and then starting in on the various lists.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Almost done the ironing. I made Sunday Supper in record time including a roast of pork and broccoli with cheese sauce and fresh buns (Pillsbury)
20S was by on Saturday and got some stuff and said that she's going to be taking some of the bigger items of furniture shortly. So that's moving along.
For some reason the muscles in my upper thigh and lower back are hurting but I did do about 4 hours of cleaning at S's apartment today. I am now certified to operate a rug shampooer. S and I talked some more today about our need to cut each other more slack and to work more on putting reactions that were based in past relationships behind us.
She did tell me something that really made me think though. S13 who has a lot more depth than I think many credit him with told his mother that he is really looking forward to moving because then as a family that they could finally relax.
He's spent his entire life more or less in an environment where change and uncertainty are the norm. Right now there is constant underlying stress about their housing situation and the impact if they are inspected by the landlord who would find far more critters than they are supposed to have. S and the kids have a constant level of stress about this. He is also well aware of their tight finances. He misses out on school trips and events because his Dad isn't all that interested in funding them having already done that for 2 kids.
It's easy to say I think that kids are resilient and will adapt but I imagine that that simple statement "we can relax" defines a lot of kids lives.
Back to the ironing. Still need to get the kitchen cleaned up and my lunch made. Just S25 and I today. S13 has homework to do so his Mom is picking him up early from his Dad who has a history of not caring about any of that.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You are taking care of S, taking care of her kids, taking care of her apartment, taking care of her pets, taking care of your own house and working a full time job. And she doesn’t like the way you dry the plates? I’d be pretty friggin grumpy too.
Yes, A13 has had lots of uncertainly. Dad was gone, mom quickly remarried someone, separated from someone and now she’s marrying someone else. I could imagine that’s a lot for a kid to go through.
Andrew, not to be mean but do you really think you are in a position to advise your daughter on who she should surround herself with when yourself are engaged to a married woman?
You are discussing and planning a marriage that cannot happen until a DIVORCE is signed.
SLOW DOWN!!!!
May i ask what she brings you? What makes her special TO YOU? What does she do for you? How does she show her love and devotion to you?
We need to read about this because from here, it sounds like you are in it alone to do everything for everyone while neglecting yourself, pushing away your son and not making amends with your daughter wich to me, those 2 children SHOULD COME FIRST no matter their age.
I mentioned that I've still not heard from D27 and just got a shrug. I was surprised to not get a Valentine's card from her. She's usually good about that. I'll directly ask her for a call next week I think. I've avoided pushing things, but it's been since October that she stopped talking to me. For those who don't recall, I had warned her to be careful around new male friends as a single and pretty young lady in a strange city. I think the "topper" was when I mentioned that her mother had assured me that OM was completely safe - and then he wasn't so to not trust intentions. She's not talked [/quote]
I am pretty sure the first time you told this story? You left off the “topper”
Are you kidding me?!? You compared her to her cheating mother! Then you made sound like women are stupid and you shifted the blame! Her cheating mother made the choice! It had nothing to with her believing she was “safe” and this man come and took advantage of her. And I imagine it’s very insulting and hurtful to your daughter to insinuate your daughter would fall for the same! And then here you are now engaged to a married woman! I sure hope you have apologized to your daughter. If you didn’t, I don’t think I would be talking to either, quite honestly. I’m kind of flabbergasted. I thought you just told your daughter that the intention of some hues aren’t always pure” and that I understand as a concerned father. But the rest?? That was uncalled for.
Andrew you are a grown man and I’m not going to tell you what to do or what to see or what to believe. I think for the sake of your health and your family, the life you built yourself, you should take a step back, take a breather and do some serious internal digging.
From my view over here you are doing stuff and making extreme decisions without really seeing what others can see from the outside . It seems as if you are so scared to be alone you’ll sacrifice a whole lot of important stuff in your life. And sacrifice the nice life you built for yourself .
That might all seem pretty harsh. But l will tell you I am never harsh for my own sh it’s and giggles. Not something I get off on. I’m blunt when I see freight trains barreling and I hate to see so many get hurt, mostly including yourself and your family.
I did apologize back in October and again in December. She does communicate to me from time to time but the cadence of that isn't back to what it was as of yet. With her husband being at sea for 10 months and then now recently returned, I don't want to add any stress to her life by pushing myself forward.
I'm not sure what's wrong with helping a friend who has a bad back clean - especially when we are working towards being a couple and I was spending the weekend there. Both boys being away gave us a great opportunity to move some heavy stuff and clean in spots that were hard to get to with them being under-foot.
And yes - I can appreciate that for some people the fact that she is still technically married despite not having co-habitated for quite a few years does offend some here. Their reconciliation attempt last year was going on a few dates where she realized that he hadn't changed. She's dated others, he's dated others both before and after that attempt. It's been over for so long that it has moss growing on it and in fact she's been on her own for even longer than I have I believe.
And I'm not scared of being alone. I have been single myself for quite a while and do enjoy the freedom that it brings. But I also want to have someone to share my life with and am grateful that we found each other. What I lose will be more than offset by what I gain.
Breathe in - breathe out. No drama going on here.
Sheesh.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
1. What is the hurry to get married? 2. Are you doing a prenuptial agreement? 3. Are you aware third marriages have about a 10% success rate?
1 - There doesn't really seem to be a lot of reasons to wait. Roads are paved with hesitant squirrels. And there are people who date for years and then still have everything fall apart. In my first marriage we were dating for 3 months before we were engaged and cohabitating and that lasted 26 years most of which were pretty good. I also felt that I couldn't ask her to make the commitment to cohabitate without also making the larger commitment to marriage.
2 - Yep. We both have things that we agree we want to keep separate, mostly in the interests of our kids.
3 - Jack Three Beans - a former moderator here - gave me the wonderful advice to not pay attention to the odds. It didn't matter if it's 1-10 or 1-1000000. The idea was to focus on the fact that you want to be that one who succeeds.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
