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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Thanks DS9. What have you been up to? Anything good?


Hey buddy,

Thanks for asking. I've been up to lot's of things. My bloody brand new mountain bike keeps having shifting problems so it's back to the shop for the fourth time! Its a fantastic dual shock one and I love it. Still playing tennis, and with my SD too.

SS came over last night for a chat and some weight training.

I mentioned in my thread about rekindling something with an ex girlfriend from over 20 years ago! How crazy is that! That's really ramping up actually, after growing from a kernel of friendly messaging. She's pretty much the total opposite of my XW, and I'm loving that to be honest. We're catching up again in a couple of weeks to spend a week together. I'm allowing myself to feel happy again, and I deserve it. The forum, and people like you, have made me realise that I'm a decent dude - flawed a little, yes - but high value and high worth.

With your sitch, can I be honest with you and say it'll sound real weird but the initial impression I got from these recent exchanges with XW is that she may be trying to reconnect with you in a fashion. Do you think that's possible? The way she ended things with you was crazy I know, but it's just a feeling I have about what you're telling us she's saying and doing.

I know you're saying you dont care, but reflect on that mate. I sense in you hurt still - if so, totally understandable after all you've gone through.

If you really don't care, then could it be better to try shift that to indifference? That's the place the vets here say you want to be.

I'm thinking too an eye roll with an "Mmhhmm" would be a good reaction to XW's mothering of you. I think silent, eye rolling scorn is sometimes the most richly deserved response to controlling behaviour and requests. Keep taking the high road mate!

How's your new place? Is your son better now? How's dating?

Keep posting here mate please. You've got a sharp mind and I enjoy your musings. I feel everyone here is trying to help everyone else and I'm sorry you felt as though you were being criticised. I'm sure that wasnt the intent at all.

Enjoy singledom, having fun and see you on the upside mate

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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If your son is 2 and you are going to coparent for many years , you should care. How did that communication style work for you during your M? It read like very childish communication and you say she was “fine” but I can assure you the way you carried that conversation on isn’t going to get her to stop nagging. And isn’t going to be help coparenting for many years to come . You say you appreciate her concern but you were very defensive and took it so personally.

But carry on. You don’t care, so carry on. I am sorry you felt criticized when I was trying to give some helpful feedback.

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Hey IHC ~ There are some really good resources out there about co-parenting and what you can do to best support your son, even amid accusations, nagging, intrusiveness, etc. Just an idea to reframe things: At this point, she is not your XW. She is the mother of your son. How can you best support your son in this challenging relationship?

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IH LOVE THE EXCHANGE. Sounds about right. I could see my ex saying the same things. She loves to remind me to do things like I don’t know what I am doing or like I have never done these things before. I did find your exchange comical. I guess it never ends. I agree with what you said about who wants to be friends???? They decided to leave us, I’m not looking for a friendship, I’m not looking for anything at this point. Our ex’s made the biggest mistake of their lives for their own “happiness”. Since I moved into my new home things have been slowly getting better for me. How about you? How have you been?? Miss chatting with you bud!!


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Hey Wolf and IH,

I wonder if if you two could post more productive posts on what you learned from your experiences and what you're doing to make sure it doesn't happen again. You indicate that your wives made the biggest mistakes of their lives but I'm wondering if your last few posts support evidence of that statement? It sounds more to me like you may have made some fake changes and when that didn't work you went back to being your true selves. Am I right or way off base?

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Originally Posted by LH19
Hey Wolf and IH,

I wonder if if you two could post more productive posts on what you learned from your experiences and what you're doing to make sure it doesn't happen again. You indicate that your wives made the biggest mistakes of their lives but I'm wondering if your last few posts support evidence of that statement? It sounds more to me like you may have made some fake changes and when that didn't work you went back to being your true selves. Am I right or way off base?


One of the biggest things I have learned is to validate. I do it with my GF and it works wonders. Where in the past I would argue a point or say why does that bother you, that’s ridiculous. Now I listen and validate. I’m really trying to understand what my GF says to me and we have a fantastic relationship. I have learned that there is so much more than physical love. Meaning touching and being intimate. The emotional love is huge with my GF and it was big with my ex but I did drop the ball there. The 5 LL book helped me to understand that. What I receive as love may not be there love language, and it wasn’t for my ex and for my GF. So my GF is reaping the rewards of my changes. Another I learned from here is would I rather be right or happy. I now always choose happy. It’s been hard at times, I like to be right but it’s not worth it sometimes. I really wish I would have cake here before all of my drama but it is what it is. I am making the best of it now with my GF. My GF says to me all the time how understanding I am and how I understand her feelings (although not all the time but I am getting better with it). I am also more patient, where if I would get into an argument I would raise my voice right away. Now I just stay very calm. I love this board and how you all have helped me. I know I still make a lot of mistakes but I am trying hard every day to be a better person. Like I said, it’s too bad for my ex because she is missing out. If only she would have been patient our kids wouldn’t be going through this. My GG is crazy about me that’s because of the validation and understanding her love language.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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IC, your convo with XW sure does seem very passive/ aggressive. A slightly different response probably would have changed the entire course of the convo.

Originally Posted by IHCLACS

XW: Please make sure you wash your hands, especially after changing S2's diapers today. It will help him to not have this reoccur.

XH: I have. I do. Maybe you should stop mothering me! I have been but thank you for the reminder, really can't be careful enough these days.


My XW says the exact same type of things and you know how I respond? Exactly like the above, and that's pretty much the end of the convo. It completely eliminates all of the below.

Quote
XW: Maybe you should stop being gross and start washing your hands.
[quote]
XH: Make sure to mention that with your therapist they might be able to help you with that.

XW: Good call!

XH: I don't know WTF you are talking about and I don't have time for bull$hit. So rest assured I am an adult. I am wasing my hands. S2 is in good hands we are having fun and every hand/surface is Chloroxed, and being bleached.

XH: 😆 😁 HAVE A NICE DAY!

XW: I would tell you to have a nice day, but you will probably have a $hitty day,… pun intended💩💩💩 😷😳

XH:Ooohh.. Chocolatte bon bons. Thanks you shouldn't have...

XH: Got me some N95 masks too. $hit is selling like hotcakes.

XW: Ewww

XH: Ill save you some of S2's patee with some crackers later. 😝

XW: 🤢🤮

XH: All kidding aside. I understand your concerns and fears with pathogens and stuff with this Corona Virus and other stuff going around. I do wash my hands religiously whether you want to believe and trust in that or not. Just because I took a moment to use a wipe to clean butt cream ointment off my finger after changing S2 this morning doesn't mean I didn't wash my hands right after. You watched me wash them! I'm not going to leave him unattended on the table. I suit him up. Then wash my hands. I always do after a diaper change. So I don't know what you are talking about? Just because I don't do something when you expect me to doesn't mean I don't do it.

I understand you have a lot of fears that don't stack up with my reality and that's fine. Maybe therapy can help with that. I really don't take it too personally. But I would appreciate if you would stop sending me these type of bull$hit motherly fearful reminder texts to do XYZ when its a given of what I do as a parent, and put trust in that S2 is in good, secure, and capable hands. I know your concern is him first so I don't take it personal. My apartment and my habits are way cleaner than yours. Hello! Your talking to Mr. Compulsive Neat Freak here!
But the frequency of these type of reminders need to stop. It would mean a lot to me and I would really appreciate it if you can work on that, work through you're assumed fears and develop some trust.

XH: What I'm trying to say is. Its not how an ex treats another ex and not how a friend treats another friend.

XW: Point taken


XW: How is S2?

XH:He's great! He's playing were having lots of laughs. Eating blueberries and crackers. And he's even helping me mop the floor


I mean why create trouble with XW if you don't have to? Maybe you've got some unspoken need to "get back at her" or "put her in her place". But I just see it as unnecessary conflict.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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BUMP

IHC, I see you posted in Wolfman's thread. Just wanted to see if you could give an update on yourself!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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