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kml Offline
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I had done the same, mommy tracked my career for my kids and so my ex could be extremely successful in the same field. I do work in my field now but earning far less than me ex. He's also managed to stick me with most of the expenses related to our adult children that are not covered by the divorce decree (and there have been many - none of the three are quite self-supporting yet for various physical and mental health reasons).

Nonetheless, 11 years after our divorce, things are not all they seem in his life. Yes he's got the cool beach pad two blocks from his favorite surf break, and the cute Asian wife 19 years younger than him. But he's had 5 surgeries in the last few years (neck, lower back, and shoulders ) one of which was the night before he turned 60 (he never did well with birthdays ending in 0). Some of those surgeries may have been a result of ignoring a medical condition that I tried to get him to pay attention to 20 years ago but he wouldn't listen to me. Right now he's lying on the floor suffering from intractable pain due to nerve damage in his lower back. Despite his much larger income (twice mine at least even after alimony) and his wife's income he has not managed his finances well and is always crying poor. He's also wrecked his relationships with our kids. He's just retired but his medical condition is keeping him from doing what was planned, which was to take the early retirement and then work part time to keep his income the same, so now he has to live on the same income I've had for the last 11 years (plus his wife's income) and I'm sure he'll be whining about it.

Meanwhile I am in good health even though I'm 4 years older than him, my relationships with my kids are great. I've learned to play the drums and mallet percussion and have toured with my best friend who is a professional singer songwriter (and my ex thought HE was the musician in the family because he could strum a half dozen Neil Young songs that he learned in college on the guitar. Ha!). I don't live in the rich neighborhood he does but I live in a nice quiet middle class suburb and have room in my nice house for my kids. I don't have as much money as he has but I've managed it well so I don't stress about it. I'm not remarried but all the men I've dated since my divorce have appreciated me more than my ex did (and the sex has been even better than in my marriage, which was pretty darn good in that regard). I can't retire yet but I enjoy my work and am glad I am able to help my kids.

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kas99 Offline OP
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kml your story inspires me so much. Makes me happy so happy. smile

My H makes more than me but his job physically challenging. At 54 he's already experiencing joint pain, can't get up off the floor, loss of flexibility and balance. All kinds of medical problems run rampant in his family, late onset diabetes, cancer, dementia, etc. He's already had gout, diverticulitis and skin cancer. I made sure he got balanced meals. Now? Meat and booze. Doesn't cook and eats out all the time.

More to say but gotta get some work done.

Thanks kml for talking to me.

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It's 80 degrees and sunny. We all just found out we get 2 weeks full pay if we get COVID. Everyone is in good spirits and happy. This triggers me because I imagine H just got the same news (we both work in gov't) and he's texting the OW excitedly suggesting they get some wine and celebrate. It is gorgeous day after all.

I have no one to text. I post these things to remind myself that he traded me in he did not have a personality transplant. He's never excited, that's just who he is. S19 has aspergers and he shows more emotion than H ever did. Not often no but I see it enough to feel a deep connection to him. I think S19 laughs more now than when H was around. What is up with that??

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he traded me in he did not have a personality transplant.


Exactly! I think my ex and his new wife are happy together (she wasn't an OW thank god, he started dating her about a year after we separated). However I know that eventually his critical nature will come back out and he will start to find fault with her the way he did with me. Or maybe he already does, who knows? I hope they stay together so she will continue to care for him.

AS for your Aspie son - my ex had narcissistic traits, and the fact that our oldest (mild Aspie) son was not the "cool kid" he wanted him to be meant that my ex was never able to be the loving father to that son that he deserved. That son still tries to win his father's love and attention but it almost always has to be on my ex's terms. (Example - this son has lived with me for 5 or 6 years, since finishing college. Ex lives 45 minutes away. Son works graveyard shift so it is difficult for him to travel to see his father, since he needs to be in bed by 2-3 in the afternoon and has a fear of driving tired. However over those years I think ex has driven up here to see son maybe 5 times - all other visits have been son driving to ex.) It's probably a relief for your son not to live under the critical eye of his father.

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kml back later but omg just read a few COVID stories (been trying to limit them) and suddenly I’m feeling quite self absorbed. People are sick, dying, losing their jobs, and I’m whining over getting dumped.

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S19 could do calculus in his head but couldn’t tell me what he wanted for dinner. H leaves and suddenly S19 shines, doing things that shock the heck out of me. S19 isn’t afraid to try things now, his confidence is up, he talks more, laughs, plays pranks, it’s adorable.

H has less money right now due to COVID and not managing his money well. He said he’d buy me a lawnmower but now says he can’t (I believe him - long story). S19 and I went to Lowe’s tonight. If you told me a year ago that S19 would go in a store, pick out a lawnmower, get it in the car, come home, put it together without an anxiety attack I would have said no way. Wow just wow.

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H tried to help S19 aka me out with the lawn he really did. S19 got an earful about how Hs trust fund value is down 40%, how his dividend check hadn’t come yet, how his hours have gone down. Sigh...the dividend check will be here any day now, the stock will come back up and the big box store (2nd job) will reopen eventually.

Unlike H I saved for a rainy day and I’m a wizard with money. It’s not much but I can afford a $200 lawnmower. H is letting us borrow his leaf blower and weed eater so I’m good.

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I may have to delay my support hearing/divorce until after he's back working at full capacity. At the moment H doesn't know I'm divorcing him so this decision is mine. Something to discuss with my L once court is open again. People can't believe I haven't told him but I think its in my best interest to stay quiet. We're NC so it's not that hard. I figure it's best to let him stay in his fantasy bubble because it keeps him cooperative.

He hasn't seen D17 in almost a year (her choice). S19 has lost all respect for him so doesn't see him much. He has to bribe D14 to spend time with him and she lives there. So yeah he wrecked his relationship with his kids too.

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I've never really had good friends (history of attracting toxic ones), didn't relate to other women and just felt like an outcast. No one seemed to like me. Since H left I've made one really good female friend. I've also been in a support group for a year and it's on hold now. Got a text last night from a woman. She said she missed our chats and could we find a way to keep in touch. I was so happy!!! That's TWO people who like me...for ME.

My other happy is I'm not interested in men. Not in a bad way in an I'm starting to enjoy a life that's all mine for a change. I still miss H and it pains me to think he's happier with someone else but I no longer feel the need to replace him.

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In light of COVID his dividends will likely be cut or suspended for a few months. No announcement has been made. Fun times.

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