Midlife wife crisis14

[Thornton]

LH,

I've seen your advice to Wolf, and I agree with a lot that you had to say. But because Wolf hasn't followed your advice, that does not give you the green light to ridicule him. You even called him a narcissist. If you believe that, why are you even posting on his thread.

Since when has sarcasm been appropriate? I think it's safe to assume that you don't talk to your wife like that when you don't agree with her. That's bush league dude.

And no, I never said that you should agree with everything Wolf says or does. In fact, if you read my message above, I said I didn't agree with a lot of things he does/says.

And I'm glad you realize will always be a work in progress because there are some things you can work on. You should start with an apology to Wolf. And if you disagree or can't do that, perhaps you are the one that needs to take a hard look in the mirror.

Considering that you have been here for 3 years and have 4,000 posts under your belt, I guess I would expect more from you someone like you. Show some class.

[LH19]

Dude what is your problem? He laughed about it.

Look I’m not a psychologist but I have had a narcissist as a father for 51 years so I know the signs.

I’ve already told you I keep posting because I’m trying to help him.

If wolf tells me he was offended I will apologize to him. Not because you told me to.

I did use sarcasm a lot with my EX wife so that might be why I’m divorced right now.

[AnotherStander]

My ex did a lot of damage to my d. My d is in 7th grade and won’t sleep at a friends house because she doesn’t want to leave her mom.

Wolf I'm really not trying to beat you up over this, but I do think it's an important issue because you may be the one inadvertently poisoning your children and their relationship with their mom. And that could very well backfire on you. What you know in this example- your D doesn't like sleepovers. What you don't know- it's all your XW's fault.

I've raised two girls to adulthood and let me tell you, the 10-15 age range for girls in particular will really test your parenting abilities. They say strange things. They do strange things. My XW and I both read a book at the time called "Yes your Teen is Crazy!" which delves into the subject of the chemical changes taking place in their bodies and how it affects their judgment and thought processes and makes them do irrational, out of character things. Sometimes no one is to blame, not even them. Years later they will talk about certain events and how they don't have a clue why they said/ did them. It's part of going through that phase. You have to be understanding and loving, not blaming.

I think it is very unhealthy for you (and for your D) for you to constantly blame XW for D's behavior. Even if you know something is because of your XW, set aside the blame, it serves no purpose at all. Maybe you just post those things here and it doesn't affect your real-life relationships with them, but I have a feeling they're reading your attitude about XW like a book. Anger, hatred, jealousy. That's probably what they sense (it is what I sense in your posts).

She won’t watch most movies because she is afraid of them. Example the Avengers. She is afraid of Getting sick. She washes her hands 10 times a day, all before this corona virus thing.

I hope you would agree that these are not things worth worrying about.

There were periods of times my ex suffered from depression and anxiety. I tried to speak to her to go to a therapist and she would refuse. I tried talking to her maybe going on meds for a while she refused.

Whether or not she should be on meds is for a mental health professional to determine. You should never, ever make a suggestion like that to someone, I mean you might as well tell them "You are crazy and should be on medication." It's very rude and insensitive. Words like that can drive people away from you.

She is also a hypercondriac, since the day we got married she always thought she had a major illness. When I would finally convince her to go to a doctor and they found nothing, a couple of months later it would be a new sickness or disease. And that was “passed” on to my d. She always thinks there is something wrong with her. Had to take her to doctors to show her there was nothing wrong with her. My d completely mimicks my ex.

OK so let's just say the above paragraph is true. How do you know this is your XW "poisoning" your D rather than it being something she inherited. People are not "trained" to have hypochondria, it's a mental disorder (somatic symptom disorder). So if your XW has it, then your D may have inherited it from your XW. Point being, even if both of them have it then that doesn't mean your XW is to blame for it. Honestly it doesn't sound to me like either of them have it. People who actually suffer from the disorder are constantly in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals. What you are describing sounds more like mild paranoia than actual hypochondria. But again that is for a mental health professional to determine. If you think your D has it then ask her IC to investigate it with her.

But if my ex is “poisoning” her my d won’t see that. She only “sees” what the ex wants her to see.

I'm not convinced your XW is intentionally "poisoning" D. I think maybe you want really bad to see something that may not be there so you can be the good guy and paint her as the villain.

All I know is I really don’t want my ex anymore.

Michele says in DR that when it comes to a marriage with kids, there's no such thing as divorce. The two of you are forever intertwined. I've seen cases where the exes maintained a cordial relationship and I've seen cases where it was complete War of the Roses. The former is far better for the children. Just something to consider.

[Thornton]

I'm just saying that if you know sarcasm doesn't work in eliciting positive change in people, maybe you should remove that from your repertoire. If it did work, millions of therapists around the world would poke fun at their patients and laugh at their poor decisions in an effort to help them.

And if you are so frustrated with Wolf that you can only resort to sarcasm, maybe you need to detach and let Wolf find his own way without you.

[Wolfman]

LH,

I've seen your advice to Wolf, and I agree with a lot that you had to say. But because Wolf hasn't followed your advice, that does not give you the green light to ridicule him. You even called him a narcissist. If you believe that, why are you even posting on his thread.

Since when has sarcasm been appropriate? I think it's safe to assume that you don't talk to your wife like that when you don't agree with her. That's bush league dude.

And no, I never said that you should agree with everything Wolf says or does. In fact, if you read my message above, I said I didn't agree with a lot of things he does/says.

And I'm glad you realize will always be a work in progress because there are some things you can work on. You should start with an apology to Wolf. And if you disagree or can't do that, perhaps you are the one that needs to take a hard look in the mirror.

Considering that you have been here for 3 years and have 4,000 posts under your belt, I guess I would expect more from you someone like you. Show some class.

Thornton thank you for sticking up for me. I really do appreciate it. I do stink at DB and can definitely do a better job. I know this is hard for everyone who gets to this point. I definitely flailed a lot, maybe more than most. At times LH’s comments have been a little harsh. And at times it does bother me. But I also don’t mind the truth no matter how hard it is to hear. Yes, the comment about me being a narcissist was hurtful. Again, I made plenty of mistakes but I always wanted to keep the family intact. I would of sacrificed my happiness for it too. I know a lot of you would not agree with that, but for my kids to have a stable family, I would have.

Dude what is your problem? He laughed about it.

Look I’m not a psychologist but I have had a narcissist as a father for 51 years so I know the signs.

I’ve already told you I keep posting because I’m trying to help him.

You said it there. You are not a psychologist and just because your dad might have been one doesn’t make you an expert in that area, so calling me a narcissist was offensive. But most of the time I do appreciate how you put it to me straight. I need that “tough love” at times. I know I have made so many mistakes and screwed so many things up. I just could not handle divorce like some of you here. I also know now I made many mistakes in my marriage and this board has taught me a lot. Mistakes that I will not make again or at least be more aware of how I speak and my actions. I wish I would have been a DB pro, but honestly I don’t know if it would of helped. My ex is so deep in a MLC I don’t think it would have helped. Please don’t stop posting but I would appreciate no more name calling.

ANOTHER STANDER, I read through everything you wrote. A lot of times I come on here and talk about my ex is to give you all background info. Not necessarily to blame for anything but to let you all know what’s going on.
As far as me asking her if she wanted to go on meds, I was only suggesting for a little while. She was going through depression and I was telling her to maybe take them to take the edge off. I did t know what else to suggest at the time. I realize now I should have just been there for her more. Right by her side and just trying to talk to her more. She refused any advice I would give. And now being here, I shouldn’t have given advice I should have just loved her more and been more supportive. My ex may not be “poisoning “ my d directly(saying this directly to her) but she makes sure to say it in ear shot. And she knows she is listening and will absorb the info.

Honestly I am so tired and I guess still in a little shock this is how my life turned out. But I am moving forward. I am very happy with GF. We have a great relationship. It truly doesn’t bother me that ex has moved on. I just have to work on that relationship with my d. Another Stander do you think I should read that book about teens? I need help there and want to be proactive.

Wow this post was emotionally draining.

[LH19]

W,

You are right I am not a psychologist and I should have not called you a narcissist. I should have said you have many narcissistic characteristics and you should talk to a psychologist about them. I apologize.

Listening, validating and being the rock are the keys to your daughter’s heart.

Onwards and upwards my friend!

[AnotherStander]

As far as me asking her if she wanted to go on meds, I was only suggesting for a little while. She was going through depression and I was telling her to maybe take them to take the edge off. I did t know what else to suggest at the time.

I know you were just trying to help. Your heart was in the right place. I'm just trying to say that from her perspective it probably looked like you were calling her "crazy". After BD my XW told me two or three times that I needed help and needed to be in therapy. The same week my daughter told me the same thing (both said it in anger). Whatever their reasons were for saying this, it felt like a personal attack and all it did was make me defensive and put my walls up even higher.

I realize now I should have just been there for her more. Right by her side and just trying to talk to her more. She refused any advice I would give. And now being here, I shouldn’t have given advice I should have just loved her more and been more supportive.

Yes, exactly! Most of us guys are fix-it types. The world is full of nails and we're holding golden hammers. But sometimes women don't want us fixing their problems, they just want us to listen and support and validate. If you had done that then she may have very well come to the conclusion that she needed help on her own. Obviously we can't change the past but we can learn from it.

Honestly I am so tired and I guess still in a little shock this is how my life turned out. But I am moving forward. I am very happy with GF. We have a great relationship. It truly doesn’t bother me that ex has moved on. I just have to work on that relationship with my d.

It's been around 8 years for me. It took about 2 years before I could look back without being really upset. And what I see in looking back just doesn't make sense. It may not have been a perfect marriage but it was really, really good. It was mutually beneficial. We did things together, we did things separate. It was a very stable, healthy home for us and for our kids. So yeah, I'm not sure I'll ever get over the shock and you may not either. That's not to say you won't get past the pain though, you will. And you'll find happiness again for sure.

Another Stander do you think I should read that book about teens? I need help there and want to be proactive.

I definitely recommend it. It helped with all 3 of my kids. I might have made it sound like it excuses their behavior, but that's not it, it just explains their behavior and also delves into how to address it as a parent in a loving but firm manner.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Wolf,

look at it this way. You're a good guy, genuinely. You have a good foundation in many ways, and plenty of areas to improve on. I think it's natural for humans to see other humans as the source of their problems. On the other hand, maybe you should not be so quick to blame others. At this point in your sitch, maybe you should consider "loving your wife from afar". Don't argue and fight and carry on. Just do the right thing, always. Y

You played football right? Me too, and I coached high school for 6 years. Blocking and tackling are the fundamentals, hustle between drills, always do the right thing - not the easy thing. Discipline, commitment, hard work...remember 2 a days? Remember how we always said football teaches life lessons? Well we forget to use them! We get too cute, too caught up in the wrong things. Positive mental attitude (PMA) is something I used to preach and live. I'm doing it again now.

Thornton, thank you for speaking your mind. It was well put. I'm not mad at you LH19, but your message can be lost sometimes as a result of your communication style. I think you're here to help, why else would you still be here contributing and helping out all the newcomers?

[LH19]

Point taken OB. Maybe I crossed the line with Wolf. I know my communication style isn’t for everyone. I just feel blowing sunshine up someone’s a$$ who has a victims mentality does a disservice to him and his children. I will be more conscientious in the future.

[Ready2Change]

We all have different communication styles. Words are abstract concepts and have different meanings to each of us. I like to focus on the intent. It is even harder on these forum than in person.

As a man, I am almost always in fix it mode. As a group of men supporting each other, I believe we are collectively trying to help each other change and grow.