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A Message from Michele
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Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2894867
05/13/20 10:47 PM
05/13/20 10:47 PM
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kml Online
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Could she have borderline personality disorder?

I spent 22 years trying to figure it out and have literally read or listened to hundreds of books. My final conclusion I came to was, it isn't my problem anymore.


The reason I ask is because she IS your children's problem still. Borderline personality disorders swing between "You're the best thing ever" and "you're the worst person I ever met". It's so confusing and disorienting for people who are involved with them. They have trouble maintaining long-term relationships, friendships, sometimes jobs because of it.

My best friend was raised by a stepmom who is a (relatively benign) borderline. This stepmom did manage a long marriage to my friend's father but he was extremely codependent. My friend says the stepmom can be a lot of fun when she's in a good mood, but can turn on a dime if she perceives some kind of (usually imaginary) slight. Stepmom and dad moved a lot, stepmom either didn't fit in or wore her welcome out with various friends and church groups. When she married the dad stepmom threw away almost all photos of my friend's deceased mother. After the father died she threw out a ton of family photos without asking my friend first if she wanted them. She's finally moved out of state to live near her biological daughter and although my friend misses the good times with her, she realizes how unhealthy the stepmom is and is happy not to be walking on eggshells all the time caretaking her stepmom's "feelings".

From the Mayo clinic: Signs and symptoms may include:

An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel
Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all
Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2894957
05/14/20 05:29 PM
05/14/20 05:29 PM
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kas99 Offline
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I spent 22 years trying to figure it out and have literally read or listened to hundreds of books. My final conclusion I came to was, it isn't my problem anymore.


See it helps me to diagnose H because it helps undo all the gaslighting I endured. He convinced me I was crazy, a bad mother, needy, flawed, broken and he was just so much better than me. The thing about gaslighting is over time you become that person. I had 30 years of this.

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kas99 ~ Your strength inspires me. You share so much of yourself on these boards and I am happy I can share in your growth. Thank you for adding your thoughts and advice to my sitch.


I relate to your story because we're kind of on the same timeline only you're divorced already and I'm just getting started. Oh and our ex's are unbelievably cruel to our kids.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2900019
07/15/20 07:41 PM
07/15/20 07:41 PM
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rooskers Offline OP
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~Update~

Court went very well and the judge said the divorce would not be reopened period. He called all the accusations ridiculous and on the 19th of July it will be one year from the date the judge signed the papers. What a relief. Since the judge ruled on the case ExW has been emailing me to renegotiate the financial aspects of the divorce without using lawyers. I politely say "All negotiations or questions regarding the divorce can go from your lawyer through my lawyer." Another step for me in keeping my boundaries and not getting emotional but keeping it business like. When that didn't work she has started to email me about small talk but I never respond. I just have no desire for any type of connection with her in my life unless absolutely necessary.

D14 has continued modified visits that that they discuss and agree on. Since the divorce her mom has taken her a little less than 20 days even though she was legally entitled to 52. I have used that time to grow closer, go on adventures, and create amazing memories with D14. We went to the top of a mountain to look at the comet Neowise. D14 loved hiking at 1am in the morning.

Life continues.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2900043
07/16/20 04:36 AM
07/16/20 04:36 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello rooskers

Nice to see the decree being upheld and XWs accusations being ruled ridiculous.

Really good keeping a strong healthy boundary with XW regarding outside negotiations and the not so innocent small talk emails tact she is trying.

Love hearing about you and D14 bonding. A mountain top hike at 1:00am to view a comet. Awesome. Shell never forget that! Or Dad who experienced it with her.

Well done my friend. What a good path you are on.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2901475
08/06/20 07:51 PM
08/06/20 07:51 PM
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rooskers Offline OP
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Update

Ex has now resorted to trying to get me involved in a visitation battle again by saying D14 was ready to do overnights with her on her weekends knowing full well D14 didn't want that. I didn't take the bate by arguing with her about what D14 wants and instead just let her know that she was legally entitled to her full time with D14 from x-time until y-time and I fully supported that and would let D14 know. Visitation came and not only did she not take D14 for the full visitation but will now be cutting her visitation time with D14 from 3 days/2 overnights every other week to only one afternoon every other week. I am realizing the emails sent are just a way of trying to annoy me and really have nothing to do with wanting to spend time with D14. The more I don't respond to her emails or engage in drama the less she wants to do with D14.

~kml~
Quote
The reason I ask is because she IS your children's problem still. Borderline personality disorders swing between "You're the best thing ever" and "you're the worst person I ever met". It's so confusing and disorienting for people who are involved with them. They have trouble maintaining long-term relationships, friendships, sometimes jobs because of it.


This is why I have D14 in therapy and I continue to provide stability in her life. I have also fought and won to be the primary caretaker of D14 for 339 days of the year. I understand what you are saying but BPD, Bipolar, and all the other disorders are not treatable unless the person who has it is willing to get the help they need. My strategy has been to develop D14 into a mentally/emotionally strong individual who has resources and support to navigate the difficulties in life as opposed to trying to analyze and change my EX. It isn't what I wanted for D14. I appreciate you sharing with me kml and it must have been hard to watch your best friend go through that. I am glad your friend had someone like you to help navigate the struggles.

~DnJ~
Raising a teen by oneself isn't always the most pleasant experience especially during this COVID nightmare but I wouldn't trade it for the world.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2901972
08/13/20 05:55 AM
08/13/20 05:55 AM
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rooskers Offline OP
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Oh well it was fun while it lasted. I will be headed back to court. EX has hired a new lawyer and now is going after more stuff. Does this nightmare ever end. What is the point of a signed legal document if she can just take me to court every 6 months on stuff she already signed and agreed on and the judge signed it as well. Just feeling really frustrated. It seems she won't be happy until I am dead in the gutter.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2901973
08/13/20 06:34 AM
08/13/20 06:34 AM
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Sorry Rooskers. Seems pretty ridiculous when the judge said last time it would not be reopened. She seems to be really in love with the fight. You would think she was the LBS. I totally get your frustration. Wish I had some words of wisdom or advice but unfortunately I dont... other than to stay the course and keep your cool. Keep your focus on D14 and building good memories. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2902002
08/13/20 09:56 PM
08/13/20 09:56 PM
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My parents could not afford their house about 4 years ago so when I was married we helped them out by paying down their house some. Part of the agreement was we refinanced it into all 4 of our names and we each have a 25% ownership and if someone dies the percent ownership gets divided among the other owners. We are not allowed to will it or sell it to anyone else only inherit a larger percentage of equity when someone dies. This asset she says was not put into the divorce settlement and now she is demanding she be bought out of her 25% equity and the house be refinanced without her name on it within 30 days or have the court force the sale of the house. This would leave my parents homeless since the equity they would receive would not be enough to get something around here and they only live off of social security and I do not have the financial means to buy her out or refinance it. It is pretty stupid of her since my parents are in their late 70's and not in good health. If they pass away she immediately gets another 25% of the equity when it is sold but she seems to only care about the now.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2902003
08/13/20 10:58 PM
08/13/20 10:58 PM
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kml Online
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If that agreement is all in a good legal contract you should have no problem - the divorce doesn't change anything about that agreement. (BUT - if you can - buy her out because it's a great investment for you! You get a 100% guaranteed return on the money when your parents pass. How many investments can you make where you are guaranteed to double your money in that time? )

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2902058
08/14/20 07:59 PM
08/14/20 07:59 PM
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rooskers Offline OP
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I have the money to buy her out at least most of it but I don't make enough to refinance it. Very frustrating. The thing that hurts the most is the fact she is willing to boot my parents out just so she can get money immediately. They were her mom and dad for 22 years and they treated her like a daughter. It won't happen but still the fact that she is trying is what is so disappointing to me.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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