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A Message from Michele
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Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2893494
04/27/20 08:28 PM
04/27/20 08:28 PM
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rooskers Offline OP
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Another visitation cut short ~

D14 came home early again from her visitation. I am not sure exactly what took place before this but D14 said her mom came to her door Saturday around 4PM and asked her "would you rather just go home to be with your dad" in a snippy tone. D14 happily said, "yes I would and packed her stuff up immediately." D14 said this really made her mom mad because she was expecting D14 to feel guilty like she usually gets and try to talk things out with her mother. This time D14 said she was tired of being made to feel guilty and just straight up said yes I would like to leave and packed her stuff up and told her mom she was ready to go. Not a word was said after this or the whole drive.

I was not surprised when the door opened and there was D14. We went for a walk so she could vent and then came home and gardened. I hide most of it from D14 but the anxiety and hurt I see when my daughter is going through so much pain is starting to cause problems with my health. I am working on it in therapy but having to watch D14 go through this is heart wrenching.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2893510
04/27/20 10:35 PM
04/27/20 10:35 PM
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kas99 Offline
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Eventually your D14 will stop visiting her and will find the courage to ignore her rants as well.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2893803
04/30/20 07:43 PM
04/30/20 07:43 PM
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rooskers Offline OP
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D14 is having a rough time today. Her mother sent her text messages filled with flowers and I love you messages. D14 is so emotionally exhausted with this. One moment her mom loves her more than anything and the next she could care less about her. It has been this way since she was born. She treated me, her mom, her brother, her friends, all the same way. One day she will jump in front of a bus to save you the next she will push you in front to get rid of you. I just let D14 know that I will always be by her side and validate her struggles and feelings. I try to encourage her to talk to her therapist about this as well. What else can I do?


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2893805
04/30/20 07:46 PM
04/30/20 07:46 PM
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kml Offline
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One day she will jump in front of a bus to save you the next she will push you in front to get rid of you


Could she have borderline personality disorder?

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2893817
04/30/20 09:07 PM
04/30/20 09:07 PM
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kas99 Offline
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roosters you know I don't agree with allowing your ex to terrorize your daughter. Your ex made D14 suicidal and this needs to stop. If you insist on making her do visitation then at least get D14 a psychopath free phone and you monitor the other one. Please rooster please stop this.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2894228
05/05/20 09:49 PM
05/05/20 09:49 PM
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rooskers Offline OP
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I don't understand. I am doing my best in learning to let go of my old dreams and move forward. Twice I have had women who are married try to start a relationship. It is like they see a guy who cares about his daughter and think great he can also raise my children too instead of the drunk I am married to. Screw the guy or his heart as long as he is useful I will pursue him. What the heck, I am not just a dad but a human with a heart.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2894295
05/06/20 09:08 PM
05/06/20 09:08 PM
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kas99 Offline
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These are predators and that's really all you need to know.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2894305
05/07/20 12:46 AM
05/07/20 12:46 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello rooskers

It is nice to see D14 tell her Mom that yes, she would like to leave. It takes time for kids to find their voice, and courage to speak it.

Originally Posted by rooskers
I hide most of it from D14 but the anxiety and hurt I see when my daughter is going through so much pain is starting to cause problems with my health.

Yes, there is anxiety and hurt. You can talk to D14, age approximately of course. You donít need to hide all your feelings or share all your feelings. It is good when Dad is seen as a feeling person too.

Originally Posted by rooskers
I just let D14 know that I will always be by her side and validate her struggles and feelings. I try to encourage her to talk to her therapist about this as well. What else can I do?

Keep listening to your daughter.

Sometimes, to a daughter, youíre supposed to know exactly what to do (or at least appear to), and other times youíre not suppose to know (or at least appear not to). And no, I donít have a nice cheat sheet for figuring out which time is which. smile

My daughter is days away from being 18, and Mom left her when she was 15. Looking back (and somewhat forward) Iíll share some thoughts:

These poor hurt daughters have so many changes already happening in their young lives. Their mind, heart, and body are changing. Then heap a crazy Mom on top of all that; the very person she would have looked to for advice and her role model in this time.

Yes, your D14 has struggles and feels. Listen and discuss (not necessarily solve).

Another big thing to do - help and encourage D14 to find her voice. At 14 she gets a say in where, when, and who she visits. There really is no need for forced visits. I think the visits are twice a month and not over night. Ask D14 if she is ok with those arrangements.

Finding their voice and confidence at 14 is a big stretch. The seeds are getting sowed. Nurture. Grow a strong stable young woman.

For what itís worth. At 16 things change a lot. Driving license provides new freedom. (Oh there is probably a boyfriend somewhere in here too) They really start standing up on their own. 17-18 and beyond, yep young women, birth control, sex, moving out - all happening or soon to be happening.

In four, shorter than you imagine years, D14 is D18. Just think of who she will be. Itís quite amazing how they grow up and heal so well.

That is the road she is on, and you want her upon. What else can you do? Walk with her.

Bra and panty shopping, grad dress shopping, shoe shopping, OMG so much shopping!!! Oh yeah, girls, right.

I love how you immediately allowed her to cut your hair. That was perfect.

Be there for her first broken heart, while she stands in the rain, hair plastered to her face, her tears lost amidst the rain drops flowing down her cheeks.

Be so very patience and kind as she learns to drive your car.

Hold her accountable when she gets a speeding ticket.

Eat the burnt muffins she attempted to make.

Absolutely love the later batch of muffins she perfected.

Hold her hand and head when she is throwing up after drinking too much.

Be kind and love her, as she lashes out and ďhatesĒ you.

Be there, always.

Be Dad.

Be a role model.

Walk with her.

And when, at another sooner than you imagine time, you walk with her down the aisle sheíll be so very happy having the best Dad in the world.

What else can you do? Donít let this rob her of a healthy and full life. Or you either.

Walk with her.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2894322
05/07/20 01:16 PM
05/07/20 01:16 PM
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kas99 Offline
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I was raised by parents like your ex which is why your posts trigger me. They did so much damage and even though I moved out at 18 it was too late. Outwardly I seemed fine but I so wasn't.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2894850
05/13/20 09:22 PM
05/13/20 09:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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Could she have borderline personality disorder?

I spent 22 years trying to figure it out and have literally read or listened to hundreds of books. My final conclusion I came to was, it isn't my problem anymore.

DnJ ~ Thank you, your stopping by and sharing means more than you know. I will look back often on your advice.

kas99 ~ Your strength inspires me. You share so much of yourself on these boards and I am happy I can share in your growth. Thank you for adding your thoughts and advice to my sitch.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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