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Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2891062
03/31/20 11:44 AM
03/31/20 11:44 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Good Morning rooskers

My XW did something similar and I had to discuss the situation and provide the documented proof of our agreement. It took a while to sort out. Just have to roll with it; you know it will be fine.

Kids to need to lash out, they have a lot of frustration and loss to deal with. We, the sane parent, usually get the brunt of it all. We get double, since kids cannot risk losing their other parent. All my kids, at first, vented their anger at me. Yes, when we get in between the relationship of them and their Mom, they do direct their venting at us.

A lot of the kidsí frustration is at the loss of control; just like us. Ensure your daughter it is ok, let her express herself. Demonstrate that she controls herself, and not her Mom or anyone else for that matter. Maybe letting her know she has choices would help. At 14 one of those choices is visiting or not, sleeping over or not.

Things do look different to our children when they are visiting with the knowledge they could leave or say no. They are not just a pawn, or just a kid who has to do whatever is said. Of course that comes with a big helping of responsibility for them too. I tend to believe that is good. Our children are a lot more, than we sometimes give them credit for.

I suspect that your daughter would find her voice and speak up to her Mom. The wasting her life for two and a half days kind of thing. She probably would continue the staying over and visiting, and move forward along her path of healing.

She, you, no one can make her Mom be a better Mom. We can just be better ourselves. We control us. Thatís a hard lesson to learn. And really good when learnt at such a young age.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: DnJ] #2891137
04/01/20 04:54 AM
04/01/20 04:54 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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DnJ thanks for the reply. I have done some deep thinking and am trying to realize why it bothered me so much when my tax returns were rejected because of what my EX had done. It will be fine and only really require time and paperwork to get it fixed on my end, so what caused such anxiety in me? I believe it is the acceptance of who my EX is rather than who I thought or wanted her to be. I had this idealistic picture of her for 22 years and trusted my life with her and now I have to let that go. My relationship with D14 grows ever stronger.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2891351
04/03/20 05:24 PM
04/03/20 05:24 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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kas99 Offline
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rooskers it's hard to face the reality that your EX only cares about herself but the fact that you typed it out is a very good thing.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2891803
04/08/20 06:46 PM
04/08/20 06:46 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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Just another rant session~

So D14 received a text from her mother yesterday asking her if she would like to meet the mother of the family she will be moving in with on May 1. I don't particularly like or agree with the situation but there is nothing I can do. My EX has decided to move in with a friend. The friend is recently engaged (the fiance lives with her) and has an 11 year old son. They live in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house and my ex will be taking the spare room. When D14 has visitation she will be living with this family. I can foresee all sorts of problems but I realize I cannot control what my EX does or how she lives. The aggravating part is the texting back and forth between D14 and her mother. D14 said she strongly disagreed with her mother's choice of not finding a more affordable apartment she could live in on her own and even offered to help her find a place. Her mother texted back saying your dad takes all of my money literally every single cent I make each paycheck and that is why I have hired a lawyer to rectify the situation. She went on to say that once I get back everything that is rightfully mine we can have a wonderful place together just the two of us. D14 broke down crying after the texting because she knows it is all a lie. D14 is with me all the time and knows what I spend my money on and how much I make and can also see what her mother spends her money on and how she lives her life. D14 said her mother is mad because she can't afford to live in her townhouse in a million dollar neighborhood anymore because she has gone into so much debt buying things. I am now the scapegoat on her financial problems and if only she didn't have to pay me spousal support and child support the world would be right again.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2891806
04/08/20 07:12 PM
04/08/20 07:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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someday i hope you are truly rid of this woman and her projections. in the meantime, i hope that you realize with every cell of your being that this is her issue and her problem. stay strong for yourself and your wonderful daughter.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2891873
04/09/20 05:49 PM
04/09/20 05:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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Quote
someday i hope you are truly rid of this woman and her projections.

This is certainly the goal, but I think as long as we share a child I will just have to toughen up emotionally.

Quote
stay strong for yourself and your wonderful daughter.

D14 just got a text message from her mom saying, "would you rather stay with your dad Easter?" So she gave up her time with D14 on Christmas Eve and now she is giving up her time with D14 on Easter. I am still working on not being shocked by this type of behavior. D14 I believe is much further along on this process of acceptance because her only reaction was that of utter joy at being able to stay home and celebrate Easter with me.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2891906
04/09/20 11:58 PM
04/09/20 11:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Offline
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Awww - that says good things about you as a dad.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2892333
04/15/20 12:57 AM
04/15/20 12:57 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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kas99 Offline
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Quote
So D14 received a text from her mother yesterday asking her if she would like to meet the mother of the family she will be moving in with on May 1. I don't particularly like or agree with the situation but there is nothing I can do. My EX has decided to move in with a friend.


Keep in mind this may not be true. My H said similar things and in the end he rented a house nicer than mine.

Quote
Her mother texted back saying your dad takes all of my money literally every single cent I make each paycheck and that is why I have hired a lawyer to rectify the situation. She went on to say that once I get back everything that is rightfully mine we can have a wonderful place together just the two of us. D14 broke down crying after the texting because she knows it is all a lie. D14 is with me all the time and knows what I spend my money on and how much I make and can also see what her mother spends her money on and how she lives her life. D14 said her mother is mad because she can't afford to live in her townhouse in a million dollar neighborhood anymore because she has gone into so much debt buying things. I am now the scapegoat on her financial problems and if only she didn't have to pay me spousal support and child support the world would be right again.
.

H dabbles in this game every once in a while but the kids know more than he realizes so all he gets from them is blank stares.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2892567
04/17/20 06:02 AM
04/17/20 06:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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D14 has been behind in homework and when I asked her about it she admitted to watching too many YouTube videos. I asked her what she has been watching and she said how to cut hair. She then proceeded to ask me if I would be willing to let her cut my hair. Without a second thought I smiled and said that would be a great idea, while panicking inside. Turns out she has a talent in cutting hair. The best moment of the whole thing was the giant smile on her face when I told her what a great job she did and she could tell I was being honest. I live for those moments.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2892599
04/17/20 04:01 PM
04/17/20 04:01 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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kas99 Offline
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kas99  Offline
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Those moments are what keep me from completely falling apart.

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